Wanted to update quickly to say thank you again for reviews. Here is a fun chapter to hold you over for the sexy time fest of next chapter. I needed a cigarette after writing it. You'll see.. ehehehe. Oh and footballgirl1, you wont want to read the next chapter at work...This one is fine though.
Getting Your Sea Legs
Amy left Sheldon and his three jealous male comic book comrades to move furniture and clear out the office. With a steaming cup of Sheldon coffee in hand, Amy knocked on 4B and after some finagling of Penny out of bed, they made their way to Amy's apartment. Penny agreed to help out Amy on the condition she got some brownies. Now, Amy had to promise some other sugary bribe.
"Cookies are great, but really what the heck is his deal with Brownies? It like he turns into that creepy Gallup or something about them… MY PRECIOUS, MY OWN!"
"That's Gollum…" Amy held her mouth like she said something horrid, "Oh god, I'm becoming one of them! I know things now... Sci Fi things..."
"Me too!It's scary."
"But truth be told, those were good movies…"
"Yeah, there were. But if you every told them I said that, I will go Nebraska on your ass."
"My lips are sealed, not word. Anyway, Sheldon just wants his brownies for us. I think I know what's its about, but I'm not 100% sure."
"What do you think it is? Cause I'm just chalking it up him being a selfish jerk!" Penny had a brownie craving for days after she smelled the enticing aroma wafting from 4A. Amy didn't tell Penny about the sexy Skype call over brownie batter, but she did tell her about the train.
"The first time he kissed me on the train, we had a brownie pie. Maybe it's an Olfactory memory response triggered by the smell. Or he just loves brownies. Either way, I wouldn't mess with him. You may be a Nebraskan spitfire, but he's Texan powered keg and from what I've seen, he's got a big can of Whoop ass." Amy hated to admit it, but she thought Sheldon's temper was sexy. Scary Sexy.
"HAHAH! I can take Sheldon, any day of the week. But I hear ya, no more brownie begging. Cookies are fine, but I still want my cake though. Promises were made!"
Amy wanted to talk to Penny about her concerns over intimacy with Sheldon. She had to balance her need for coital advice verses the ramifications of Penny's big gossipy mouth. Bernadette would be a better choice; she had a slow build up to coitus with Howard. Unlike Penny where afterglow conversations included questions like, "Sooo, what's your name, and how did I get here?"
Maybe she could talk to both of them. Bernadette was kind when she wanted to be; and a honey badger when needed. Amy respected that. Emily was the odd man out, but she wasn't coming till later with Pizza for everyone, so it would be like old times.
While Penny and Amy waited for Bernadette, they started on the books. Books were easy to pack, therefore easy to delegate. After Bernadette arrived, Amy eased into the conversation.
"So, impromptu girls day! This is fun! "Amy was obviously nervous for some unknown reason, "Bernadette, when was your first time having sex? Were you as young as Penny?" Penny shot her an icy stare. Not quite the easing into it that Amy should have done, but she could never stop her bluntness.
"I was 22, in college. I had a steady boyfriend. We were going out for quite a while before we had sex. Lots of make out sessions before. I mean lots. Boy, were there lots… Mmmmm."
Penny snapped her fingers, "Earth to Bernie! So, when you did have sex was it good?"
"Oh, god yes. Since we had so much experience with each other, it was easy. He had an oral fixation which was bordering on obsessive. We did have sex, but it was only one or two times though, then we broke it off. He started dating my best friend. Skank."
"My first time was completely different, it was fast, quick and painful."
"Painful?" Amy was crossing her legs now. Amy knows that when a women has sex for the first time, it could be painful if the woman is not properly lubricated. The thought of painful sex made Amy shutter.
"Yeah, we were making out, and he said, "I don't want to do it with you baby till your ready." Then 2 minutes later, "You're ready!" Then on top, 3 grunts and done. Not the magic moment you dream about when your 12."
"You dreamed about having magical sex at 12?"
"NO! just you think your first is going to be with you forever, ya know. Your prince your soul mate. Then it turns out you gave the goods away to some loser from the Quikie Mart over a 6 pack of Schlitz, it kind of takes the magic away."
Bernadette added, "Ya, I always thought I would be that guy forever too. You never know."
Amy was mortified. Given the information she received in the last 5 minutes, sex was painful, over quickly and could lead your boyfriend leaving you. She was never so glad to be a virgin in all her life.
Penny and Bernie saw the horrified look on their inexperienced friend's face, and smiled knowingly to each other. "So Ames, what's the sudden interest in sex? Are you and Sheldon diving in?"
"Yeah, do you see Coitus on the horizon, or are you still at sea, stuck in the doldrums?
"Okay, if I talk to you guys, you have to promise me, and I mean pinky swear, cross your heart, don't want to end in a ditch covered in monkey feces, PROMISE me you won't tell…"
Penny and Bernadette looked knowingly at each other and nodded, "We swear!"
"And no teasing Sheldon, he's still a flight risk. Given what you guys have told me, a bigger one than I thought!"
"Oh honey, Sheldon's not like that! He's different…" Penny sat down on the ground near Amy now. Amy was on the ground, her legs scissored out behind her, slumped shoulders and hair in her downtrodden face. "What's happen Ames, did you guys… ya know?"
"No, not yet. But it's getting there. I am…" Amy lifted her head now, " nervous! After all the years of wanting to be with him, fantasizing about him, practically begging him to touch me, now I'm the scary cat? It seems almost cruel."
Bernadette put her hands on Amy's shoulders, "Oh, honey, it's completely natural to be nervous. That was why my boyfriend and I did so many things BEFORE sex. We had to ease into it. He was a virgin too."
"Really? Was he nervous?"
"Oh yeah, big time. There's a lot of pressure on a guy to, you know… do right."
"Wish my guy had some of that pressure. With me, it almost felt he was using the bathroom on me." Penny shuttered. "What's been going with Sheldon? Are you guys, ya know… getting there?"
"We have had some pretty hot and heavy make out sessions. Now we are sleeping together. It is hard not turn over and have my wicked way with him. As soon as we get close, I tense up."
"What does he do? Does he continue?"
"OH god no, he stops. We just continue at the stage we are at. He reads me like a book. When I get nervous, he just keeps on kissing me, touching me where I'm not timid. It's… nice…"
"You lucky bitch!" Penny and Bernadette shouted the exclamation at the same time.
Amy was shock by their declaration. "What?!"
"Amy, if he is waiting, going at your pace, you are lucky. Most guys couldn't handle their girlfriend next to them naked in bed and not bounce on them at first chance. PLUS! You get to make out without the pressure of sex? Damn girl, it's like you got your brownies and can eat them too!"
"But I heard sex is great! Shouldn't I want to do that, like soon, like right now!"
"Sex is great, and you will see soon enough. But the build up, is the best. Then when it does happen…"
Penny cut her off, "And it's done right, with the right guy, under the right conditions, oh man…"
"OH man is right. Then it's magic and it makes up for all the times it was bad." Bernadette was misty eyed.
Penny added, "All the hurt, gone! You feel loved, fulfilled and more beautiful than you ever been."
" I didn't feel that till had Howie."
"Or me till Leonard."
"Never forget, no matter how much you wait, your first time… you're gonna be little nervous and so will he and that's expected, and natural. It's a big deal and your body and mind know it."
"But there's ton of stuff you can do before then!"
"Yeah, like lots of stuff… So much stuff. Oh man… the stuff… mmmm." Bernadette was starry eyed again.
Amy listened to her friends. It sounded like it was okay to be a little scared, and timid. It was natural and Amy liked feeling natural. "So, tell me more about this oral fixation?"
Sheldon had to endure his own interrogation of sorts from the guys who were fascinated to know how much more they would have seen if they had come in 10 minutes later. While they were grunting furniture down the 4 flights of stairs, they starting in Sheldon, who was trapped by the weight of the furniture, unable to escape his friend's taunts.
"So, Sheldon… How's it been going with Amy? You guys seem to be merging together nicely?"
"Yes, Sheldon, tell us, how is the blending of two minds?"
"And bodies, don't forget the bodies.." Howard was trying his best to hold up the side of the bed, and failing.
"Yes, of course, how could we forget with him plastering her up against the wall like spackle." Raj adjusted the load, " Yes, tell us, how is the blending of two bodies going?"
"Yes, was that foreplay or an afterglow surprise?" Howard had to stop on the 3rd flight. This was one heavy bed.
Finally Sheldon, who was easily carrying the slats of the bed, looked up to met the 3 sets of greedy eyes begging for salacious details. He gave them nothing. "Gentlemen, I know you are expecting a blow-by-blow so to speak, but…"
"Oh my god, is she already doing that? You lucky bastard!" All three said in unison.
"I don't know what you are referring to, but my lips are sealed. Sheldon Cooper does not kiss and tell."
"OH, let just hope Amy's lips are sealed…"
"Yeah, around something…hehehe." Raj could be so nasty when he wanted to be.
"Don't kiss and tell is fine, but we don't want to know about the kissing part. We saw that. We want to know about the blow-by-blow part."
"Yeah, that part. Tell us about that part."
Sheldon looked confused, but still gave nothing away. "No parts will be discussed. End of conversation."
Sheldon turned to Leonard, who was schlepping down his mattress by himself. " Now Leonard, I think it's high time you gave me back my key. You have been walking in without knocking quite a lot, and with Amy here now, I have respect her privacy." And Sheldon was sick of getting interrupted during his sessions with Amy, which were quickly heating up to level needing a R rating.
Leonard stopped and pulled the key for 4A off his ring, he needed a break to get his inhaler anyway, "Yeah, and you never know what she'll be wearing, either."
Raj was next, "Oh Sheldon, you have to get her wear that open back blue dress again! She looked incredible! How her womanly curves met the apex of her…"
"Raj! Quick your talkin about Amy's Apex! " Sheldon got his Texan up.
"I want to see Amy in that dress! Where was I?" Howard hated being left out.
"It was when Jelly Shelly over here kicked you out, when Amy was on Skype. She looked…" Raj looked over to Sheldon laser gaze and whose skin was getting an unhealthy green hue; his clothes seams were pulling. "…Nice." And Raj put his head down.
"Well, you can get her to wear it at Stuart's party. He changed it to formal dress. Something about comic book agents were coming to talk about yet another comic book he's working on! Sounds like he's finally getting noticed. He's been working night and day on some secret project. Because they are coming, he wanted to class it up." Howard had no idea that Sheldon knew all about Stuart's secret project. He didn't even notice Sheldon's twitching at the mention of it.
Sheldon dropped the slats which slide down the stairs, "WHAT! HE CAN'T DO THAT! It's supposed to be a costume party!" Sheldon was crestfallen and sounded like a 7 year old's trip to Disneyland had just been cancelled.
"No big deal dude, he's having a Halloween party with costumes, a huge shin dig. I am helping him plan it; the food, the music! Ahhh… It going to be epic!"
"Well… that would give me more time to work on Amy's costume. I still need to get her measurements. Oh, that reminds me; Leonard, you need to take me to the fabric district after work on Wednesday, I need latex. Green latex."
"Oh you need to get some latex, there buddy. Individually wrapped in foil packages."
"That would never do, I need… " Sheldon looked at Leonard who gave him the look over his gasses that told Sheldon he was missing an important hint, "oh… I know…yes well. I don't have to worry about that." The implied "Yet" hung in the air.
Howard quipped in quickly, "Why? Cause Amy's on the pill?"
"How do you know what's Amy's on, Howard?"
"Bernadette told me. She's been on the pill for years. It helps her cycle or something. It's a woman thing. Bernadette's on it too."
"So's Penny. They all went together. They say it cuts their days to like 3 or something. I have the Bill Clinton policy on menstruation: 'Don't ask, don't tell'."
"How come I am last to know about these things?"
"Sheldon, since when do you care that your girlfriend is on birth control pills? It's not like you need to worry about it. You're Homo Novus, remember, above such … How did you put it… "unsanitary displays of hormonal based sweating and grunting."" Howard needed to get Sheldon back for years of teasing him about his baser urges. Now that Sheldon was finding them, not unpleasant, Howard was reveling in it.
"Well, as her boyfriend, I need to be aware of such an important part of her health. There could be side effects that I am not aware of."
"Yeah, like the side effect of not having to use a condom. That's a bonus, not side effect."
"What so bad about condoms? Seems it would be better for the mess?" Sheldon was elated over anything that kept things tidy.
"Mess, schmess...Don't get me wrong, they're essential with a partner you don't know."
"Well, that's not an issue for me." Sheldon was beaming with pride. He loved the fact that Amy was a clean slate, so to speak. He didn't have to worry about Amy's past, unlike some of the men in the group.
Leonard continued, "It's a pain to have to stop, put one on, all the while the woman is waiting there, watching you. Then, you could put it on wrong and get her pregnant anyway!" Leonard had a few scares with that horrific scenario.
"Then there's the feeling." Raj looked like he swallowed a spider, kind of disgusted.
"What feeling?"
"Feeling like you junk is being cut off with a tight rubber knife. Not a pleasant feeling when you're in mood for Amour…" Howard was crass, but he got his point across. Sheldon was perplexed and now wincing at the image. He picked up the slats and led the group to the 2nd landing.
"Well, I don't have to worry about that unpleasantness."
"Oh, it's still pleasant, believe me. It's plenty pleasant. There was this one time, Bernie was…"
"Wolowitz, I do not need a detailed account…"
"You mean a blow by blow, don't ya? Well, we did that too. Oh man, sometimes that can be even better. Not all the time, just sometimes."
"I have no idea what you're referring to, Wolowitz, but I'm sure it's dirty."
"Well, not too dirty, because the first time was in the shower."
"The Shower?" Now Sheldon turned around, interested like he just was told where the hidden Oreo stash was kept.
"Oh, yeah. Shower sex is the great and shower oral sex is even better. Nice and clean. OH, and when she was, ya know." Howard looked down at Sheldon's crotch which Sheldon covered with the slats, "It was like being on a sexy boat with my own mermaid getting my sails to full mast."
"Penny has her own way of casting off, if you know what I mean. She can really raise my Jolly Rodger."
"Emily does too. It's so romantic, she really knows how to pillage the treasure."
"All in the shower? With all the water? That sounds… Not unpleasant…" Sheldon was stuck on this shower idea. He was lost at the other sailor based innuendo.
The four women at the bottom of the stairs caught the innuendo however, all of it. Standing on the 1st floor landing was an unamused Amy, Penny, Bernadette and now Emily holding 3 pizzas and beer. The other women had their arms crossed, scowling at their salty talking pirates.
"Hello Sailor!" Said Amy flatly. Sheldon put his head down, and looked up with rounded blue eyes begging for forgiveness.
"Avast, Mateys, You know everyone can hear everything you've said since the 2nd floor!"
"Yes, boys, every word… Like your announcing Land Ho! From the crows nest!"
Silver tongued Wolowitz tried to save the day, "Ladies, lovely to see you. You see we four cannot resist your sirens' call! We are lost at sea with you!"
"Yeah, buddy, well you better get life vest, cause dead men tell no tales." Bernadette was most displeased about her sex life blabbed all over the Los Robles apartment complex.
"Yes, well, when you're done getting this bed out of here, come up to the poop deck for some grub with us saucy wenches before it turns into hardtack." Amy sure knew her pirate lingo. Sheldon smiled at his saucy wench.
The three women huffed up stairs while Raj, Howard and Leonard went out to deliver the bed to the waiting donation truck. Amy and Sheldon were standing there. He hadn't moved since he was caught talking sexy sailor with his salty mateys.
"So Captain Cooper, had a pleasant conversation?"
"Amy, I'm…."
"Chin up my blue-eyed swashbuckler. If you're good, I let you pillage the apartment for booty. I heard there's some in the shower." Amy winked at Sheldon who had dropped his slats again.
"Siren!"