Chapter 26
Ozymandias Seeking the Light - Part 3 of 4
"So that's what a Tholian looks like. And I thought it was hot in the Vulcan desert." Watching the recordings of the sessions Phlox had with the Tholian left Trip knowing there was little chance of face-to-face visits if these beings required the temperature at 480 degrees Kelvin. Trip flinched as he watched the Tholians exoskeleton shatter into pieces when Phlox lowered the temperature too far. "What was that signal he...she...it sent?"
Tucker made this odd almost quizzical face. "Well according to what passes for a doctor here it's both sexes or it can switch sexes but what the determining factor is for that I really don't think we want to know. The signal was some kind of short distance distress signal, I'm sure, because a whole squadron of Tholian showed up after that. Forrest, Archer, and Reed destroyed most of them before they disappeared again."
"So are the Tholians here aggressors?" They had been aggressive, strong-arming Enterprise, trying to take what they wanted but they had not attacked without what Trip thought they'd consider justification on their part.
"No. They only seem to be interested when there's advanced technology involved and of course they defended themselves when we attacked and stole Defiant and then again when they tried to retrieve their crewman but we haven't seen them since." All they could hope was that Archer hadn't forced them to become aggressors. Defiant may be able to destroy their ships but the Tholians were very intelligent and outnumbered them. They'd tried to warn Archer that eventually the Tholians would find a way to be victorious again, but he only cared about claiming his empire.
Tucker tried to read what Trip's thoughts were as he stared at the picture of Phlox still frozen on the screen. "Reed got to him when he first got here from what they tell me. The Major had been on board a couple of years before I got here and he started from his first day cultivating the dark side of everyone he could. It wasn't difficult with some of his MACO's. The military seems to attract the most demented minds and Reed had a knack for knowing just how to tweak them to their full effectiveness."
The comments shook him from his reverie. He understood the fine line one could walk between one reality and another. If T'Pol hadn't been there for him, he could easily have sunk down that black hole in his own mind, on at least two occasions, and died or gone insane. "How are you doing?" Trip shifted uncomfortably in his seat and turned his attention to Tucker and his worries about his health and mental status.
There was still intense pain but much less than before. "Don't know how to answer that. She seems to be trying to help me but I'm not sure. The anger still takes over and then there are...I can't do some of what she's asked me to." He hadn't agreed to accept the shipments but shortly after she left his office he sent her a set of medical scanners and the other medical devices they'd found when they took over this ship. Their so-called doctor wouldn't bother to learn how to use them so he also sent her a padd with encoded copies of the specs and operating instructions, he'd found and removed from the database. And just before he sent it he added a disk with an encoded file with the security codes she'd asked for.
Tucker couldn't think about this right now because it took him to places his mind wasn't ready to accept, so he shifted his focus. "You know this new technology could be useful if we ever learn how to use it."
"Give it time you'll figure it out." Tucker was a stubborn engineer just like Trip so he knew he'd solve the problems eventually.
"Not the way Archer keeps pushing me. He wants everything working full out now even though I'm missing parts. We have replicators that can make replacement parts but we're short on raw materials. Our new re-sequencers can replicate food that taste like the real thing but they require a protein based mixture with ingredients we've never even heard of." The new cook was a young crewmen who was trying but lacked the ability to prepare more than barely edible meals. The recipe was in the computer but was of no help if the components were unknown to anyone.
"The cook's using the re-sequencers. T'Pol and I helped him figure out how to put real ingredients in and get finished meals out." It wasn't the re-sequenced protein it was designed to use but it worked and the cook was satisfied with how much easier it made his job. And the rest of the crew could use the re-sequencers in the Mess Halls once they were taught how and some system was worked out so the ingredients were available, as needed. Trip had already unsuccessfully tried to find a way to retrofit one back on Enterprise. The current re-sequencer on Enterprise produced really good-looking imitations of real food but the flavor was always a variation of re-sequenced protein. They had yet to master how to recreate the true flavor so it was used only in emergencies or for those like Dr. Phlox who had no idea what real food tasted like so it was all new, different, and acceptable to him.
"Commander Tucker where are my engines?" Archer bellowed from the doorway startling both men.
Tucker whispered to Trip. "Well that took about 3 hours longer than I expected." Archer must have spent the morning with Hoshi. She had always been one of the few things that distracted him. He testily turned to face his captain. "We're doing the best we can. It looks like we're going to have to make some adjustments to the port auxiliary sensors." The sensors they'd shorted out earlier that morning after they sabotaged the warp drive and caused it to gradually lose power.
"Then get to it. We need fully powered engines now." Tucker observed his captain trying to hide the bitterness he knew was at the back of his throat because he didn't have any idea what Tucker was doing. It didn't help that Tucker and Trip both seemed to just have to look at anything mechanical to get a basic understanding of how it operated then learned as they went. On Enterprise, Archer had a basic understanding of the warp engine because his father, Henry Archer had been the one who had taken Cochrane's warp drive and upgraded it with some of the Vulcan technology they stole when the Vulcans came to Earth. But Archer, who lacked the skill to be an engineer, was a pilot. A pilot who desperately sought ways to be seen as a better man than his father.
"It takes time to learn how to work with a new warp drive and we still don't have enough raw materials to make all the repairs." Tucker snapped at him. A team from engineering appropriated the agony booth on the premise that in order to replicate metal parts they needed metal and Reed's project had used up most of their meager supplies.
Archer had already covered this with his first officer and chief engineer. Impulse engines were working but the warp drive had been hurriedly put back together and online, became unreliable, and was likely to shut down anytime. Archer couldn't afford the weeks of travel away from Earth to the nearest planet if they had to make a supply run or risk being attacked while not at full power. "Any ideas on what you can scavenge to get these repairs done?"
Tucker appeared to be thinking but he already knew what metal he would lay claim to first. "We either find a planet to get supplies or maybe Phlox doesn't need all those cages and supplies in Sickbay? He's only using them to house and complete those twisted experiments of his and they don't really serve any purpose as far as helping this crew, do they?" Tucker wanted Phlox neutralized until they could figure out how to get him off this ship. Allowing him to continue his demented work only kept Reed's abhorrent ways and memory alive. Tucker was masterfully using Archer's paranoia to accomplish this.
"Do your people need to collect the metal or should I send Mayweather and the MACO's?" Archer could use the fact that he'd taken away Phlox's research. He'd have the carrot he needed to hold out there whenever he needed Phlox's compliance.
"We need to finish this then we'll take a crew in and take care of it. The metal needs to be sorted through." This was true but more than that Tucker wanted Phlox to know it was him that had gotten Archer to let him destroy his laboratory and he wanted to make him watch as they dismantled it and put all those creatures he'd been torturing out of their misery.
"So how long before you're finished here?"
"When we're done. The sensors are on the outer hull so we need to go for a walk but neither of us have ever used these suits they've got." Tucker flipped the suit around like he was trying to discern how it was operated but that was only an excuse for the delay. These EV suits were lighter than the ones Enterprise had and they also had small tanks on the back that neither Tucker had seen before. Trip's diving experience came in handy and in reality, it had only taken a short time to understand how it worked.
Archer was impatient. He was almost ready to head back to Earth to claim his Empire. "I take it the 'we' is the both of you?"
"It'll go faster." Getting him his warp drive back meant Archer was agreeable to anything if they were careful and made it sound plausible. He and Trip needed half an hour to rig up their switches to disrupt power and bypass sensors when they sedated the entire ship and took over to take over Defiant, locate the hole the Tholians had created, and send Trip and T'Pol back home.
"Just get it done and get my engines back online." Archer walked away muttering to himself, under his breath.
---
Tucker sat trying but failing to meditate. His thoughts were too erratic and this rhythmic tapping was the latest of the interruptions that broke his concentration. The noise was overhead but he couldn't discern from where exactly until the ceiling tiles moved. Moving the desk chair he stood up and pushed the tiles upward where he found Commander T'Pol.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"It was you who warned that no one should observe me coming to your quarters, was it not?" She dropped down to the chair he'd vacated.
"Yeah, but I don't remember saying you should crawl around up there." He looked up again. "What made you think of that anyway?"
"The other T'Pol suggested it might be an acceptable way to move about the ship undetected. Seems she and Trip have found it necessary to do so in their own ship."
Why would anyone have found it acceptable to crawl around the small shafts on Enterprise? "You've been talking to the other T'Pol?" He wondered what the pair could have had to talk about.
"I offered her my apology for interfering in their bond and asked for some advice."
"Advice about what?"
"About many topics. There is much that is different between our worlds and much that is the same." She was evasive because she didn't want to tell him she had hoped for a better understanding of the bond and Tucker himself but found asking about the man was more difficult than she anticipated. Having no experience with a mate left her not knowing what questions to ask and being Vulcan most of what she could think of was far too intimate for a Vulcan to consider appropriate. She'd ended up relying on the other T'Pol volunteering information she thought would be helpful.
That was the worst evasion he'd ever heard but she'd managed to tell him absolutely nothing. After the last couple of days he didn't have the wherewith all to fight with her so he concentrated on what she had in her hands. "Okay so you aren't going to tell me about T'Pol but you are going to tell me what you brought with you?"
"First, I brought these." She reached her hand out offering him several devices. She took one back. "This one masks your life signs and the other one duplicates them so the sensors read a presence where there is none." She took the duplicator, attached it to his arm, and turned it on so the device could read his lifesigns. When she removed it and placed it on the desk, she picked up his tricorder and showed him the readout. The tricorder showed him at the desk and where he was standing. She then attached the other device to his arm and his real lifesigns no longer appeared on his tricorder. Then he saw that hers didn't appear either.
"So who do we thank for this?" They worked like devices they'd found on the ship but they had all been collected by Reed and locked up or so he thought.
"They were created using devices found on Defiant." The replicators had produced these. He had started working out how to do that himself. Somehow, they were tied into the systems on Defiant but no one had taken the time to understand how.
She didn't have the expertise to do this so that meant there were members of her group that had serious engineering skills. He wondered if any of them worked in his department. He knew she wouldn't feel comfortable divulging anything about the members so he took a different tact. "Does this group of yours have a name?"
"We have no name just a common purpose." Why humans insisted on naming things was a mystery. Give it a name and advertise it's purpose.
She was not making this any easier by clamming up every time he asked a question. "What else did you bring?" He tried to see what was on the padd she had in her hand but he couldn't make it out.
The Commander handed it to him. "This is a plan that needs your approval before the order is given to proceed." T'Pol watched as he looked over the plan.
Pictures of Florida. Lizzie. "This...this is my sister's house. That's Lizzie." His finger pointed to her image as he stuttered out the words and tried to keep the fear on the inside from registering on his face. "Who the hell has been watching her and why is somebody watching her?" He hadn't seen or spoken to her since he joined Starfleet.
"She is important to you and I assumed if she were placed in danger due to your connection to me it would make it difficult for you so I devised a plan to have her taken to Xindus to keep her safe." She pulled out the information on the planet and handed it back to him.
He dropped hard into the chair never taking his eyes off the plan in his hands. How did she know? He never spoke of her. Never. It was the only way to keep her safe. The pain jabbed at his chest. The one thing he could not fail at and he'd let someone get close enough ... If anyone found out how much she meant to him they'd have something to use against him. Lizzie had always been the one person alive he'd willingly give up his own life for. It suddenly became clear why his tension level had been building, nagging at him, pulling at the back of his mind since he'd learned of the bond and more so after T'Pol asked for his help.
"So if I'll help you, you'll protect my sister?" He'd already done several things for her and now she had him so she was offering this to ensure his continued assistance? The anger hit hard and he could feel the bile in his stomach starting to backup into his esophagus.
His assumption startled her, but then she thought why should it? You've done little to make it possible for him to do anything more than assume the worst of you? "There are no conditions. She is important to you; therefore; she must be protected and this is the best way to ensure that."
"Wait a minute. You're telling me that you and this group of yours are willing to kidnap her and take her to this planet and keep her safe just because she's my sister and I don't have to help you in return?" He rubbed at his stomach trying to release the knots forming there.
"She is important to you and that makes her important to me, so yes."
Tucker needed time to calm himself and sort this out so he studied the information on the planet. "Tell me more about this Xindus." He'd heard of a new species that was out there in some part of space known as the expanse but the Terran Empire kept news such as that quiet. But it still sounded familiar to him.
"It is the homeworld to a species known as the Xindi. They consist of six different sub-species..." She showed him the images of the six species. "...and they have offered whatever we require to build our numbers and our strength to take back our worlds from the Terran Empire. The threat of the Terran Empire along with the recent treaty between the Klingons and Romulans concerned the Xindi enough that they feared for their own future. They see it as self-preservation to work with us."
Then out of nowhere came Trip's memories. Once his terror at what he remembered settled a bit he explained what he'd seen in his alternates mind. "You're sure there are no spheres in this expanse and the Xindi are not plotting against Earth and she'll be safe there?"
He could sense the tension building and his body overheating from the build up of anger but could do nothing to prevent it as he was overwhelmed with sensations leaving him with nothing to center himself. Emotions hammering at him, turning on him. Slowly at first but now confusion swirled through everything. He suffered from the lack of sleep, pain, and so many thoughts and dreams had been haunting his every waking hour until he was worn out from the effort it took just to think. It all became too much for his human brain. His head laid on the desk, his face turned toward the wall. His mind silently screaming for it to stop and trying to focus on anything to halt the cyclone ripping through his mind. Breathing like they'd recently taught him to center himself, calm himself, but no relief came. Only more disorientation. All he knew was this connection to T'Pol had brought him nothing but a lack of control and pain and that he didn't know what to do.
He fought to lift his head and turn to her. "Why? Make it stop." He didn't understand what was happening to him or why.
As his hold on the inner workings of his cognitive processes vanished the Vulcan stood observing having no idea how to help him. Her own emotions were severely threatening her control as it was and lending him support would only weaken her further but she couldn't watch him like this. Moving closer her hand moved of it's own accord and touched the back of his head. She didn't need to see his face to feel the fear and exhaustion emanating from within him as he tried to even out his breathing and find calm. She stared at his hand as it reached up behind him and overlapped her own hand as her fingers raked up and down through his hair.
Tucker woke lying on a bed. Unsure where he was, but he knew he wasn't alone. That hand that was grasped tightly against his chest could only belong to one person. He opened his eyes and turned his head slightly to the side, finding her sitting on the floor with her head resting on the bed with her other arm wrapped around it. He pulled himself to his side and watched her sleep, wondering how and when he'd gotten from the chair to here and why she'd chosen to stay here like that, not having joined him on the bed.
Releasing her hand had been a mistake. The contact was broken and the spinning current in his mind took over leaving him unable to form a coherent thought. His hand immediately sought out the contact once again. The sensation and pain stopped causing him to recognize that this was exactly how he felt whenever he drank too much. But instead of hanging his arm and leg over the side of the bed to add weight and force so his alcohol soaked brain could redirect the swirling in the opposite direction, making the motion stop so he could pass out, he'd clung to T'Pol. T'Pol added much more weight to ground him but the activity of his brain was that much more intense and required it. He had to stop this. Analyzing how it was he tricked his brain into letting him think solved nothing and he needed to solve this. It was impossible to hide their secret if he had to walk around in physical contact with her in order to function. Archer was already suspicious of them after meeting their alternate selves and would be watching them closely to be sure they were not close or connected in any way.
And he had to protect Lizzie. No choice, but kidnapping her had terrified him when he read through the plan she laid out. Even if he didn't help her, they were bonded and Trip had been right. He had to deal with the consequences of his actions just as T'Pol did. She'd come clean and seemed to be trying to make it up to him but he still didn't quite trust that. He wanted to but didn't know how. She'd ask to meld with him again at some point last night after she'd ask him to let his shields down. Said it was the only way to stop this from continuing to happen. She needed to remove the shields she had placed in his mind so they could allow the flow of the bond to open up the way it was intended. There was no choice here either, but once he allowed that, there was no going back. Not that there really was now but, at least, it let him pretend and gave him some sort of protection from reality.
Focusing his mind, he let one barrier down and let the newness of it all flow through him. Once he felt comfortable he let down another and another until they were all down. The emotions and thoughts were no longer just his and it took several minutes for him to slow it all down enough to see them clearly. T'Pol had each of her emotions in a category and separated. He looked at each one but couldn't make sense out of any of them. His understanding was that Vulcans didn't feel their emotions, they suppressed them without thought or association. But T'Pol had these emotions she couldn't suppress or had chosen not to. His best guess was that being unfamiliar with them she didn't know how or what to do to deal with them. It was like a puzzle as he tried to match them up the way a human mind would. He stopped when it became clear he would have to examine them closely to continue and he didn't want to invade her privacy even though she had done so to him. He'd never trusted anyone and wasn't sure how to go about it but he did know it was going to have to work both ways. She'd have to learn to trust him if he was going to learn to trust her. He felt her eyes staring at him and turned to meet their gaze.
"Morning." He thought it was morning as he searched the desk for the display that would tell him the time. "I'm not going to ask if you slept well because I don't think anyone could laying like that but thanks for letting me sleep." He'd needed the rest, which must be why she had stayed.
"You're welcome." She caught the surprised look on his face at her response. She had never been one to use amenities so they must sound strange to him. She started to remove her hand but he stopped her. "You are still experiencing difficulty?"
"I let go earlier and my brain went tilt." Went along with the rest of his world being off it's axis.
She gave him a perplexed look then concentrated on their connection. Then it hit her. Tucker was in her mind. He'd let down his own shields and let her in. The shock of it surprised her because it should have been the first thing she noticed having not had a strong bond present in her mind in many years. "You've removed your shields. If you leave them down I can assist you."
"Yeah I remembered what you tried to tell me." He didn't remember when exactly that was last night but he did remember parts of the conversation. "You said something about melding and getting rid of the shields you placed in my head. It better help stop whatever is going on with me." This had been the reason he'd invited her to come see him last night but things went to hell before they had a chance to talk and settle this.
"You have worked around many of them but if I remove them it will make the bond stronger and will remove more of the discomfort we have been experiencing. "The bond was fully formed but had not been allowed to function as a complete bond so would require time to establish a full forced connection.
She didn't look away as his gaze intensified. It felt like he was trying to see inside her, to determine if he could trust her. "You will be aware of my presence and you will remember. I am no longer able to enter your mind without your knowledge and you are capable of preventing me from doing anything you do not wish me to do." This wasn't totally true but at this point anything she did against his will he would be aware of and it would only serve to threaten the progress they were making. Apprehension seemed to be flowing both ways between them. Outwardly, they were still acting as if they were just fellow officers on this ship but inwardly they were forging a completely new relationship that each was unsure of.
"Yes."
"Yes you will meld with me?" She tried to read his emotions but they were complex and the ones that were most influential seemed to change quickly.
"Yes." He dropped his body over onto his back having resigned himself to the only path open to either one of them.
T'Pol calmed herself and reached out to touch his face. He jumped when her fingertips made contact with his skin but remained there. He turned his eyes to look at her as he felt her enter his mind and repeated the words back to her..."My mind to your mind...My thoughts to your thoughts...Our minds are one."
T'Pol moved around feeling the intensity of rage, anger, frustration, and confusion swirling like a whirlpool in his mind. These were feelings they needed to do something about but that was not her purpose here today so she proceeded to remove his uncertainty and remove the barriers.
He felt her there and once he eased his resistance, the pressure was gone, he felt her moving around, and the shields he hadn't known were there came down. He felt relief and found it strange that his mind reacted to the removal of something it hadn't even perceived was there before. Then he felt memories coming to life but they weren't his; they were hers. "What are these?"
"They are the memories that I blocked from you. They are my memories of what I told you before. If you do not wish to have them I will take them away."
He began watching them. Her being assigned to him. He hadn't known he was an assignment but then he felt the pull she'd felt toward him and knew it had strengthened from what she'd felt when they first met. Her decision about her Pon Farr as she saw it brought up his own memories of those days. Then there was a night she used his attraction to her to get him to her quarters only to get him to change some codes so she could access the cargo bays and supplies. When he'd returned they talked. He quickly went through several of the memories and discovered they had talked many nights but he'd never remembered that. They had conversations about growing up, life on Earth and Vulcan, and Lizzie. They spent hours together kissing and talking, but except for her Pon Farr and the dreams, it had never gone farther than that.
He continued to explore and came to a memory that was only hers. When the accident took place in engineering that had caused the injury to his face. He waited to see if she wanted him to stop but when she didn't react or say anything he went on. He saw her sneaking into Sickbay to check on him because she couldn't let anyone know she was concerned about him. She watched from the hatch when he returned to duty, conscious of his scars, dreading the reaction of the rest of the crew. His own memories of these events came forth and then a shockwave hit as he remembered this all happened before her Pon Farr. Next he felt how it had affected her when he ran toward the cloaking device. He saw her react when the device exploded sending him flying across engineering. She'd had to really work to appear unaffected and almost will her feet to stay planted where they were signaling for the crewman to assist him and she thought he'd been seriously injured. She was standing in the shadows when he returned to engineering after his session with Reed in the booth. The turmoil playing across her face and inside as she tried to bury her reactions to the pain her deception had caused him.
He looked around them and understood that here they could see themselves in physical form because that's what their mind found easiest but that was not what they were truly experiencing. His hand went to his face. "This really doesn't matter to you?"
Had she wished, she could see him without the scar in this place but it was still there. "Vulcans choose mates based on their internal life. The bond is spiritual and forms between those who are able to share their katras. We were attracted to one another and our katras or 'souls' wished to be together."
She took a step closer to him and touched the area around his eye. "You will need reconstructive surgery to remove this tissue so you again have a full range of vision but this has no bearing on our relationship." He needed his full vision and she wanted to see the brilliance of both his blue eyes again.
He felt the release as some elastic-like part of himself that had been being stretched too tight, finally snap. "But I feel almost as twisted up inside as my face is. What's attractive about that?" He let her see the entire range of negative emotions that drove him.
She returned the favor. She may be Vulcan but she was just as angry and twisted up inside as he was.
"Aren't Vulcans supposed to suppress their emotions? You have a lot floating around in there." He understood they were both damaged and lived within and were driven from some pretty dark places in their inner worlds.
"It takes an immense amount of effort to keep them under control and many hours of meditation. Suppressing them is one way to control them but we are not able to suppress them all. We are taught not to allow our emotions to determine our actions. That can be difficult for a Vulcan in this universe because our true nature is already violent and destructive." Fortunately, there was little else to do so meditation filled her off hours.
He could relate to not being able to keep his anger under control but here he felt warm and protected. Safe in a way he'd never felt before. "So now what? You already know this but the only person I'm close to is Lizzie and she's my sister. I have no friends and zero experience with women other than for sex." This was the first time he'd woken up with a woman still in his room. "And I've spent most of my adult life despising...hating everyone, and everything but my work."
If she were human, she would have laughed when he asked her how to proceed. "Vulcans do not have friends, we only associate with those we work with. Our mates are chosen in childhood and we form bonds after we marry so I have no experience either. And my work was chosen for me. The only thing I've chosen is to work with the resistance and that was out of necessity not desire." She had spent the last two years aware of their bond, but that offered her no practical experience with relationships. She'd tolerated Captain Forrest because he trusted her and therefore protected her. The only other person she had any kind of relationship with was crewman Soval and that was professional.
He'd caught both the slight humor she felt and what she'd said. Necessity not desire. Did she really desire him...want him...or was it the self-indulgent sexual lust he kept trying to convince himself was all he felt towards her. He remembered saying he loved her during those lust filled days they'd spent together but he didn't know what that really meant beyond just words. He supposed he loved his parents just because that's what kids did. They loved the people who created and raised them. And he loved his sister, Lizzie. She was a few years younger than he and when she arrived she was the first thing he cared about without conditions. She was bubbly and happy and as she grew that feeling grew too. He made sure no one hurt her and that she had whatever she wanted or needed. He didn't leave home until she'd gotten old enough to look out for herself and told him just that. And once he left he'd buried her alongside a part of himself to keep them both safe. "So why exactly did we decide to bond? Wouldn't it have made more sense for you to be with someone who had a clue about how to be your mate?"
"I do not know how to answer that as I have no frame of reference for the question. I do not understand what factors went into this bond but I assume it has something to do with these needs and emotions we do not wish to admit exist."
The other T'Pol had said it was in the nature of Vulcans to be honest and direct. This Vulcan was for once being direct. "We're talking about you take care of me and I take care of you, aren't we?" He'd sensed this from her before and he knew she meant more than that but he wasn't quite ready to accept that.
She did not want to push or add to the fear she could already sense from him so she proceeded with caution. "I suggest we let our bond stabilize, continue to work together, and then we can decide what to do next." Maybe she could find her center again. Her logic and rationality had become less than optimal and she needed to re-ground herself in her discipline now that she didn't need to expend so much energy maintaining their bond on her own.
"We really have to work at keeping this bond hidden. I'm going to need your help with that. Trip and T'Pol have been teaching me to be calm and relax but it doesn't always work." Lately when his temper got the upper hand the bond seemed to take on a life of its own and he was lost.
"Most of the other Vulcans lack training and will not recognize it. Crewman Soval was raised on Vulcan and may sense it unless we both make an effort to shield it in his presence. Just behave as you always have and no one will know." Soval had stated that he hadn't known for sure that Trip and T'Pol were bonded when they first arrived but it had become obvious after observing them for several days.
Not convinced that he knew what that meant he still tried to project a confidence he didn't feel. "Okay, business as usual. Let's get back to the real world so I can look over those plans again. I want you to have them get Lizzie. I'll need to talk to her as soon as possible once she's safe." He reached out and touched her cheek just before they left their minds and returned to his quarters.
This time when she removed her hand the sensations were only mildly uncomfortable but he quickly recovered. "I hope this worked and I don't have to meditate so much." The meditation helped but when he lost control as he had again last night he really wondered what would have happened if he hadn't meditated.
"How often do you meditate?" She'd known he meditated but assumed it was infrequently. Being human he should be able to handle his emotions much better than a Vulcan could without meditation.
"Four or five hours a night lately. It's great for helping me relax but not when it takes up all my free time so I can just get through the day without killing someone. I've missed my time in the rec room and Trip said he'd teach me how to start using the holodeck." He needed to workout to keep in shape, which helped him stay alive. He'd actually been looking forward to the holodecks for himself and to teach others how to use them. Any kind of escape from real life for a while would be welcomed.
"I have to go. We are on duty in an hour. I will let them know to go ahead with the plan. It should only take a few days for them to set up some scenario that will explain her disappearance. Did you decide if there's anything you wish to do so your parents do not think she is dead?"
This was part of their discussion last night. He'd been so out of it that only disjointed fragments popped into his head when a familiar topic came up. "Nothing we can do. My parents are loyal to the Empire and if they knew anything they'd turn us all in. The fewer people who know the fewer risks that we will be discovered." A small part of him ached at the thought because they were his parents but he'd parted ways with their beliefs and years ago and he'd protect Lizzie at all cost. No use thinking about it, it served no purpose. His parents had made their choices just as he'd made his. They all had to live with the fallout.
"When are you planning to take over the ship?" She asked matter-of-factly.
The straightforward way she asked and the apparent acceptance of it as reality caught him off guard. Being an open book to another person was going to take some getting used to. "What exactly do you know about what I'm planning?"
"I do not know details...." That would have meant prying deep into his mind. "...but others have observed certain activities and brought it to my attention. Is there anything you require to accomplish your goal of getting Trip and T'Pol back to their own time?"
Someone must have noticed that they were not always where the log said they were or maybe some of the engineering types had noticed that the problems they'd been experiencing with the engines were not due to malfunctions. "So you know what we've been doing. Is that why you gave me the devices to trick the sensors?"
"Not entirely. They will be useful for many reasons but you do need to hide your activities better. You are fortunate that no humans have taken notice and that the first officer has a vested interest in keeping your activities from coming to the attention of our Captain." Major Reed was no longer here but there were others who would benefit if they were to discover what Tucker was up to. The first officer had instructed others to be watchful and make sure the plan was not discovered.
"I wasn't planning on involving you." He wished to avoid the I do a favor for you, you do a favor for me dynamic between them.
"I understand but I may be able to offer some assistance." The Commander had no idea how well he planned or how well any plans he made would work but she would do whatever was required to ensure he was successful and wasn't caught.
"Come to my office this afternoon after I've had a chance to talk to Trip and T'Pol. This affects them so I need to let them have a say in who we ask for help."
The Commander stood at the door. "Didn't you say you didn't have friends?"
"Yes I did." Tucker had learned early on to never allow himself to get close enough to anyone to be friends.
"I believe you may have been in error unless I misunderstand such relationships."
She might be right, he might be friends with their alternate selves but it would be a short-lived relationship as they hoped to be going home soon. "Not sure it counts when they're only around for weeks and you won't ever see them again."
She didn't think that mattered and she hoped he would think about it and come to the same conclusion. "I'll see you later, Tucker." She said as she left.
His hand lingered on the closed door. "See you later, T'Pol," he whispered and headed to get cleaned up.
---
Days had gone by with no word. Tucker paced until the image appeared on the small screen. "Lizzie, are you okay? They didn't hurt you did they?" His anxiety in the hours since he'd told them to proceed with their plan had been long and excruciating. No food, no sleep - due to nightmares, and the constant of having to pretend nothing was amiss had worn him out.
"No. I can take care of myself." Her eyes were focused on his face.
He hadn't thought much about his scar lately but now it seemed to almost hurt. "They kidnapped you and you're telling me you can take care of yourself?" He gave a half-hearted laugh at her bravado. "Are you okay with this?" There was something in her eyes. She was upset with him.
She avoided a direct answer. "I wish you had told me what you were up to and I wish we didn't have to let Mom and Dad think I'm dead, but I understand. Sovaen here explained everything to me." She motioned toward the Vulcan standing behind her.
The seconds were ticking of on the upper corner of the screen. "I can't talk any longer or we'll risk this being picked up on sensors. I just needed to check to be sure you were okay. Be in touch soon. Just do what they say and stay safe."
"You stay safe too." The screen went black. No 'I love you'. She'd always said that instead of goodbye in the past.
Trip and T'Pol moved around from the other side of his desk where they had remained out of sight, to avoid confusing Lizzie Tucker. "Good to see you two are close." Trip was a little choked up at seeing his alternate sister alive and well.
"I'm sorry I forgot all about your Lizzie." Tucker could see the affect seeing and hearing her had had on Trip. Tucker himself was shaking. Exhaustion was giving way to anger.
He'd told Commander T'Pol to go ahead to keep his sister safe. He swore to protect her but that feeling in the pit of his stomach hadn't gone away. And now seeing her increased his concern. And then there was those glimpses of darkness he's seen in Lizzie's eyes. She looked much older than she was. What had happened to her in the years he'd been away? He had been running from thinking about the many possible outcomes. Was she still the Lizzie he knew or had the years of constant battering at her, by their parents, worn her down?
The small display screen shattered against the wall as Tucker headed for the door. Trip caught him just before he stepped out. "Somehow I don't think it would be a good idea for you to go out there like this. Wouldn't want to ruin the big bad-ass thing you have going." Since Reed's death, the crew was off balance where Tucker was concerned and seeing him angry and almost tearful would only make him seem weak in their eyes.
"You haven't slept since this started have you?" Trip didn't need an answer because he knew how keyed up he'd be if it were his sister. Trip touched his shoulder and could feel the tension in his body and realized that he was barely holding it together.
Tucker stopped, turning around to return to his desk. He had to slow his thinking down and seriously consider the plan that had been trying to formulate in his head since this newest nightmare, about Lizzie being captured and tortured to get information about him or from him, began. That fear led to other fears and kept him awake trying to find a way to prevent it all. What if they hadn't covered Lizzie's disappearance as well as they thought they did? How long would it be before this bond was discovered? If the nightmares didn't wake him up the dreams of taking T'Pol during her Pon Farr did. He forced the words out in an attempt to redirect his thoughts. "Everything is ready for your trip home, right?" He became mindful of the necessity of examining options for himself and T'Pol.
Both Trip and T'Pol turned to him. The tenseness in his voice said something was wrong. "Yeah. I don't think we missed anything." Their shuttle was ready and the diversions and sedative were all ready in place around Defiant. Trip and T'Pol had concocted the sedative from T'Pol's memory of what their Dr. Phlox had used on Enterprise and they inserted canisters in the ventilation system throughout the ship that could be opened when they were ready. The diversions were set up to keep everyone focused on some system malfunctions until the sedative had time to reach everyone.
Tucker's long strides back and forth across the room relieved some of his tension but increased Trip's. Tucker had known that Lizzie was trying to be positive but he saw the terror in her eyes. She hadn't said anything, most likely not wanting to question her big brother's actions, but she wasn't happy about what he'd done. There hadn't been time to really talk and she wouldn't air their disagreements over a sub-space frequency.
"I haven't had a chance to talk to Commander T'Pol but I thought we might leave here in Avenger right after we get you two back home." There he'd said it outloud. When he agreed to the Commander's plan to get Lizzie to safety some part of him knew it was only a matter of time before they'd have to escape. "There's just too much risk if we stay and the crew's going to be unconscious anyway, so it's seems like as good a time as any."
Commander T'Pol had spoken to T'Pol and filled her in on the resistance group she was part of. "If you and the other species are to fight the Terrans why would you leave them with such an advantage? If you are going to claim a ship, would it not make more sense to leave them on Avenger and for you to take Defiant?"
Trip smiled. "She has a point. It gives you more firepower and if you duplicate the technology on this ship or use it as the blueprint for more ships you have a better chance of winning."
Tucker continued his desperate attempt to focus. "Why didn't I think of that?" Because your brain is mush and you've been too preoccupied with rigging the ship to get Trip and T'Pol home, with the bond, with Lizzie. He felt so vulnerable on all fronts.
"When will males admit that females always have better ideas?" Against what was normal for her T'Pol shot the remark out before thinking.
Trip flinched. "Ouch, that's a little harsh. We have been a little preoccupied trying to get us home." Trip closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, smiling. That definitely had to come from T'Pol's own unique sense of humor.
"You cannot make this decision without consulting with Commander T'Pol and the others." T'Pol knew they would want to be part of this decision.
About the same time, Tucker realized she was on her way they heard the commotion outside. Commander T'Pol storming into Engineering demanding some explanation for some sensors readings that were incorrect and the crew having none of her demanded answers promptly directed her to Commander Tucker's office. She entered in an apparent temper and slammed the door behind her. Trip could sense Tucker's distress and slid right into the whole little scene and made a loud and angry exit, with T'Pol in tow, out into the main engineering area leaving the First Officer with Tucker.
Tucker paced. Discussing having to make another life-altering decision and this playacting for his crew did nothing to distract him. The turmoil in each combined making his insides boil up again and left his control way beyond shattered.
He grabbed for the Commander pushing her roughly against the wall. That overwhelming drive to take her swept through his mind leaving nothing in it's wake. His need for relief was immediate. One hand held her while the other worked at moving clothing out of his way. Their shared dreams played through his mind. Pressing her head roughly against the wall his mouth came down hard on hers. He tasted the blood when the inside of his lip split open but he did not let up.
The bond flared but the contemptibility of his actions flooded through his mind breaking through the anger and confusion. He backed off enough to see her face clearly. His fist hit the wall then he turned his body and slide down to the floor, pounding his head backwards, then finally dropping it into his hands. When he looked up T'Pol had adjusted her clothing and moved to stand directly on front of him. He banged his head back hard against the wall. "What the hell is wrong with me?" He couldn't shut it out. He had no control at all. The anger, rage, frustration he wanted it all gone but he was only able to divert it into his need for her.
"This would not give the relief you sought?" She had thought he was going to have sex with her and when he stopped she didn't know why.
He looked up at her. There was no sign of anger in her manner and he could feel nothing out of sorts in the bond. "No it wouldn't." His laugh had a bitter edge to it.
"You find this humorous?"
She stood ramrod straight, hands behind her back. "Not exactly but you're standing there like you're at attention or something. Why aren't you ripping my head off?" His mind tried wrapping itself around her non-reaction and all he got were thoughts that she hadn't resisted his kiss or the attempt to use her to make himself feel better.
"Why would I wish to 'rip your head off?" She relaxed her stance then moved to sit next to him on the floor.
"I treated you like a..." Explaining that would only make it worse. Worse for him or her he wasn't sure, but worse. He started to apologize but the feelings coming through from her were nothing like anger. Instead, here she was sitting calmly, almost serenely next to him on the floor. So he reached for her hand, shook his head, and laughed again.
She was confused, as she was no longer standing over him like a soldier at ease. "You still find humor?"
"You went from the professional at attention you to the completely at ease accepting you just like that. It would be nice if there was a you somewhere in the middle?" He closed his eyes and took in her calm trying to use it to find his own center. She hadn't tried to stop him or said no. This all felt normal, right to her.
"I do not understand." And she didn't. He didn't want her to be the professional officer with him but neither did he want her to be relaxed and calm in his presence. He seemed to be upset with her and himself.
He didn't understand anymore than she did. Tucker opened his eyes, turned his head towards her, and searched deep into her eyes. "This is really the blind leading the blind here isn't it." He continued the thought to himself. I'm asking a Vulcan who hasn't ever experienced these emotions and has no clue what to do with them, in fact she's placed them all neatly into individual little compartments so she'll never be able to figure them out...I'm asking her to understand and help me deal with my emotions. This is what you get for falling for the only female within light years of you whose inner life is as much of a train wreck as yours is.
"Why will I not figure them out if I separate my emotions?" The rest of his thoughts weren't as clear but she was beginning to think maybe he was right and they were both damaged and unable to help each other.
He looked down at their hands clasped together. "Okay look, emotions sometimes come one feeling at a time or there's one that demands all your attention but most of the time events or people bring on several feelings all at once. And to really understand you have to look at them all together." He might as well come clean and get this over with. "I wouldn't have felt the relief I thought I would before because with that need to have you comes a whole bunch of other feelings. I've been trying to convince myself it's not true but...I told you before...I really should know by now that whatever I set out to do where you're concerned comes out totally opposite of what I planned."
The Commander listened to his rambling thoughts. She hadn't done any better than he had with her plans for or with him. They had all gone much differently than what she had intended. "So what are we to do?"
"Well, first if I ever come at you like I just did knock me on my ass..." Physically she could but judging by her reaction that wasn't going to happen. "...or if you can't bring yourself to do that at least get my attention long enough to remind me if I can't make love with you I'm free to go take care of relieving my stress on my own."
He could see her continued confusion. "Making love isn't supposed to be a solo act so you need to remind me you have needs too." He was so in unfamiliar territory here and she was just as bad.
"I am unaccustomed to human males. I have only been instructed about Vulcans during Pon Farr." Her training and experience both said the only need then was to rid oneself of the blood fever.
She'd told him about that. Mostly he remembered her saying if she didn't satisfy it she would die. "I remember and that's fine during Pon Farr but that's not normally the way things are done. We need to talk some more about all this but this isn't really the time or place so I'll come to your quarters tonight and we can finish this then." He stood up and adjusted his clothing then reached down to help her up. He kissed her hand. "Are you okay?"
"I will do as you ask even though I do not understand why." Now that he knew of the bond, why did he want her to continue denying it's influence?
This was not something he was comfortable talking about but he'd started this so he was going to have to find some level of comfort and soon. "Just do what I ask okay?" He hoped she'd drop it at least for now.
To help that along he went on to another problem they needed to solve. "I seem to be having a bit of trouble keeping my temper under control still. I thought that meld was supposed to help with that." Expression of ones more aggressive emotions was encouraged, actually expected. But he'd learned how to keep them under wraps because it meant staying alive. He had to get control before he lost it at the wrong time or place.
"Perhaps the barriers and my manipulation of your mind have caused injury to your neural pathways. A Vulcan mind would have tolerated such treatment but you are not Vulcan and your mind has not been trained since birth. I will discuss this with the other T'Pol. She has more knowledge of human's physiology than I and may be able to offer some suggestions."
Tucker wasn't thrilled at her response but realized it was the best she had to offer for now and that she would do what was necessary to correct this. He hoped that the solution wasn't going to take a lot of time, as they didn't have much left. "We need to discuss our plans for the future, as in I think we need to leave here when Trip and T'Pol do." His pulse rate jumped and his hands were moist. "We're not or at least I'm not going to be able to hide this bond if we stay here. It's just too dangerous for you...me. So my idea was to take Avenger but then the other T'Pol said she thought it was a better idea to leave Archer with Avenger and for us to take Defiant." Her blank face sent waves of panic through him but he plunged ahead anyway. "What do you think?"
She searched through his thoughts. Most centered on a dark, oppressive fear of being discovered by Archer or whomever was in charge. "That is a much better idea. But where do you wish to go?"
"We could join the resistance." He could sense her agreement so he continued working out the plan in his head.
"If we take all the aliens, we should have enough of a crew to get to Xindus with Defiant." She offered.
"Wait a minute. We take all the aliens but Phlox." Personally, he would prefer to push the doctor out the airlock but he knew he wouldn't so the best he could do was leave him, the only alien on a ship full of really pissed off humans. "You need to let our new crew know and then work out keeping them all from being affected by the sedative Trip will be releasing in the ventilation system. And then we need to work out how to transport the rest of the crew to Avenger once they're all unconscious. We have a mask for you already but there's not enough for all of them. And we have less than a day to make this work." A little over a third of the crew were not human. He only hoped that was enough time.
A/N: I'm going to be moving for the next little while so writing/publishing will be on hold for at least two weeks so I can get packed, moved, and unpacked. I have up to chapter 35 written but they all need polishing so it may be longer than usual for an update, but it will get done. Thanks for all the comments and please give me any constructive suggestions you have to improve my writing. I think it's improving but I'm just a bit too close to know if that's true or not.