I am rendered speechless….which is almost unbelievable. Thank you all for your support and kindness as we have wandered through this story arch. You have all been so kind and your comments have been so welcoming. I almost don't want this story to end. But 26 chapters? I am just floored….. Oh forget it what's 26 more?… -L
"So how is he doing dad?" I ask as he shuffles into the bedroom, his gorgeous hair askew and the beginnings of stubble gracing his chin. That man could make a woman fall all over herself in a three piece suit, but I like him best in a grey t-shirt and a pair of blue plaid pajama pants. His sexiness is triple fold now that our son is sleeping on his shoulder.
He gives me a slow smile, "Good. We just finished a bottle, had a nappy change."
"My hero." I say giving him his favorite grin. He sits down on the bed next to me and I lay my hand over our sweet baby's back while John places gentle kisses on the crown of Cadan's head. He makes a little whimper in his sleep and curls his tiny fingers tighter in the fabric of John's shirt, eliciting a chuckle from John that makes my heart flip in my chest.
We named him Cadan Alonso, Cadan means battle and well Alonso is just self explanatory. (I have a hard time saying no when he makes the puppy dog face) His name is fitting as that is what the beginning of his life was, a battle. A war fought and won. The memory of his small body laying under blue lights, a vent tube down his throat, wires and IV's strewn everywhere will haunt me for the remainder of my days. For weeks I pondered the what-ifs, John too, but he never let me dwell on them long. Cadan was here, I was still here and that was all that mattered to him.
"So I talked to Charlotte this morning." I say sitting back against the headboard, as I casually flip through an issue of Vogue. " I guess that David finally asked Elle to marry him."
" Is that so?" he says patting Cadan on his back. Cadan lets out a loud burp. John gives me a smirk while I give him a thumbs up. "I'll have to call her tomorrow, maybe go up there and bring her lunch."
"Is that so?" I say arching my brow at him.
John props himself on pillows laying Cadan over his chest, taking a book off the nightstand, trying to hide his sly smile. " I feel you looking at me." he says lowering his glasses.
"Good." I say giving him a pout.
"I love that shade of green on you." he says leaning over and kissing my cheek.
"Bite me."
"Anywhere in particular?" he says before planting a kiss on my lips that holds the promise of things to come.
I pull back and smile warmly at him. " I love you."
"You better." He says giving me another quick kiss.
"He has a bed you know." I say curling up to John and laying my head on his shoulder. I run finger over our sons soft cheek and take a deep breath of his baby smell, sighing contentedly. Cadan squirms on his fathers chest and mewls in protest, until John places a kiss on his head of unruly brown hair that spikes in the front. " You have spoiled him." I say smiling.
"Nah"
"Yah" I say giving him a gentle nudge in the ribs.
"You know I was thinking." John says rising, " We should have Jeff and Charlotte over sometime for dinner. I haven't seen them in a while, and you know I would really like to see the twins again." He gives me a hopeful look.
"I think that would be nice." I say giving him a warm smile. John and I bonded with the Carlisle clan those many weeks our children stayed together in the NICU. It was a friendship forged by soldiers fighting the same war, we cheered the little victories and mourned with others who's children were lost in battle. Jack and James had become as much ours as Cadan was theirs. "We could ask Elle and David over too if you like. I want to see that ring of hers."
"Would I be at risk of losing my man card if I said I did too?" John says giving me a wink.
I give him a tongue in teeth grin, " I can think of a few ways you can redeem yourself."
John places a hand over Cadan's ear, "You kiss your mum with that mouth?!", he gives me a mock expression of shock, " Come on little man its time for bed." He leaves softly humming the same Gallifreyan lullaby he used to put Sarah Jane to bed with.
Its been along road for both of us, almost a month since we brought Cadan home. For the first two weeks, John would only go to sleep if Cadan was here in our room. Most nights I would roll over and find John awake, sitting alone in the dark, one finger gently stroking Cadan's temple. He would jump at every whimper, every jerk. We both would. Sometimes John would cry and tell me he was sorry. Blaming himself for all we had to go through, as if Cadan's early arrival was somehow his fault. Yes, we had fought that night, but never once did I think it was anything but just one of those things that happen. Sometimes we would lie together me wrapped tight in his arms, and cry for all the other babies we are never going to be able to have. Now its better. We both are. We are settling into a rhythm, Sarah Jane has been amazing through it all. Helping where she can, bringing me tea and toast when I was still a little too weak to get out of bed. She never once showed the signs of those jealous siblings you read about in all the books.
I am so caught up on my thoughts I don't hear John's return.
"Hey you." he says making me jump.
"Hey yourself. Was he much trouble?"
"Are you kidding me?" John said cocking his head. " I am the Master of the Nursery, do you think something weighing 11lbs is going to be able to conquer me?" He jumps on the bed making me bounce. He places his chin on his hand and wiggles his eyebrows.
"Your children own you." I say laughing.
He frowns. " I wouldn't say they own me."
I arch my brow at him and grin.
"Okay, maybe a little." he says pouting as he lays his head in my lap. I run my fingers through his hair, then down his cheek as he closes his eyes.
"I find it sexy." I say giving him a kiss on his furrowed brow.
"Is that so?"
"Totally so."
"So you wouldn't mind if say….I don't know…..we had another one?" John props himself up on his elbows giving me that look he does when his brain starts working. Used to be I worried about that look. In the past that look had us chased by three headed monsters or thrown in a slimy jail cell on Grell. Now that look fills me with a mixture of hope and dread, usually when one of my appliances is concerned.
"How is that possible." I say swallowing hard. It still hurts to know we can never again have one of our own. He wraps his arms around me as I bury my head in his chest.
" Im sorry." he says softly as his hand trails up my arm. " Its just, Ive been thinking."
"About?" I say wiping my cheek. I had thought I had spent all the tears I was going to in the weeks following my surgery. Damn hormones.
"About a promise." he says running the pad of his thumb over my cheek.
"To him." I say lying my forehead on his. Feeling an almost imperceptible shake of his head against mine, "You know you don't really owe him anything don't you."
"Yeah." he whispers, although I know John well enough to know he doesn't believe it.
I take his hand in mine stroking my thumb down his, " Ok. What are you thinking?"
"How it feels to be abandoned." He says pulling the comforter down sliding beneath the sheets, I curl up next to him laying my head on his chest. He reaches up and turns of the lamp plunging our room into darkness, save the shine of moonlight breaking through the curtains that bathe our room in a soft silver glow. For a long time there is only silence, learning long ago we don't always have to fill our time with words. I feel his breath in my ear and for a moment I think he had fallen asleep until I hear him speak softly, " That day on the beach, my parents left me."
I had never quite looked at it from that perspective. "Oh. John" I say rolling to face him.
Tears glisten on his cheek and I reach up to touch him. "Fucked up way to look at it I guess."
" No." I give him a quick kiss. " Not at all."
His eyes close and he swallows hard, "I want her."
"Who?" I say giving him a perplexed look. "Wait. What?" I say raising up on one arm, hooking my finger under his chin to bring his eyes to mine. "John are you saying what I think you are saying? Because two babies? That's just crazy. I mean with our schedules? We barely have the time for SJ and Cadan. I am just now getting back to work."
"So I quit. Go freelance. I could write or consult. Those things can be done at home Rose. " He says his jaw set in determination.
"You would quit your job. Quit teaching? Stay at home. Take care of three children? One with special needs? Do you have any idea what kind of commitment that is? You freaked out over having four walls and a roof not so long ago." I say regretting the words as soon as I catch sight of the hurt in his eyes.
"I can't leave her all alone Rose. I just can't. I knew it the moment I seen her." John says pushing a strand of hair off my forehead and dotting my nose with his fingertip, " Rose she is like us. Left alone, made to fend for herself in a world where everything is upside down. Except she doesn't have a family to lean on. Rose we had your mum, Pete and Tony. She has no one. I know she is special. That's okay, its okay Rose. We can do this. I Those words ring as true today as the first time I ever said them. Its fate Rose. I can feel it. She is meant to be a part of our family."
I grab his face and kiss him fiercely. "Okay" I say coming up for air.
"Really!" he says his smile lighting his eyes.
"Yeah Really…" I kiss him again, "God we are crazy but really!"
"I Love you Rose Tyler." he says smiling.
"You have to promise me one thing though." I say rolling him on his back and straddling him. I take my hand and cup his cheek. He gives me a knowing smile, his eyes darkening to my favorite shade of walnut brown.
"Anything Rose. You name it." John says sliding his hands up my forearms tugging at the strap on my nightgown.
"Marry me you daft alien." I say giving him his favorite grin.
The smile that spreads over his face gives me all answer I need but his words are what gives me hope for our future. The five of us.
"I thought you would never ask."