XXVI. Joan
It is dark by the time they've finished their song to rapturous applause, and getting colder. He glances towards Kitty, then inclines his head very slightly towards the door. She nods, and then he's gone, out into the thick night, and she is being pulled into an embrace by a giddy Flora. "We did it!" she is almost squealing, grabbing Rosalie's hand and jumping up and down like a little child in a sweetshop.
"Yes, we did," Rosalie says, but this time, the exasperation in her voice is fond.
People come up to congratulate them – Miles is especially effusive in his praise – and by the time she has fought her way through the throng of compliments with polite smiles and excuses, the wind has picked up and it has begun to rain again.
He is waiting around the side of the chapel, a silhouette that is just blacker than the night. She approaches him, standing at a careful distance. They stare at each other for a few seconds.
Eventually, he speaks. "I'm sorry, for the incident yesterday."
Those simple words are enough, and Kitty manages a small, rueful smile, even though she knows he can't see. He deserves an explanation, he really does, but she doesn't quite know how to give it. "I'm sorry too. I only…I was scared."
They both know what she is talking about.
"I understand."
"No, you don't. It's just…"
He waits silently, patiently.
"I don't…I can't…" she takes a deep breath, floundering for words, completely and totally out of her depth. "I had to meet someone, that day, and…that someone…" she trails off. "I'm sorry, I can't do this."
And before he can plead with her to stay, she turns and goes, her skirt swishing against the damp grass with regrets hanging from her shoulders like lead weights. She knows she has to tell him, she knows it – he deserves an explanation – but she can't bear his reaction. She can't bear the thought that there will be pity in his eyes, and then he will leave because no-one in their right mind wants a woman damaged by untamed ghosts that will haunt her until her dying day.
When she enters the tent, neither of the others are there, so she lies woodenly down on the little camp bed, and for the first time in six years, she cries herself to sleep.
The next thing she knows, someone is shaking her out of her mercifully dreamless sleep. "Kitty, Kitty, wake up!"
"What is it?" she mumbles, irritated at being dragged from the first real rest she's had since she arrived here.
"Kitty, you've got to wake up." That's Rosalie, and Kitty groans, opening her eyes blearily and sitting up, brushing escaped strands of hair away from her face.
"I'm awake, I'm awake – why are you dressed? Our shift isn't till seven."
"It's Joan."
Those two words banish the thought of sleep from Kitty's mind like a bucket of cold water being poured over her head. "What's happened to Joan?"
"She's been arrested. We don't know why – only that Soper came in an hour ago with her – she had her hands bound and she's in isolation."
Dread fills Kitty's head, almost choking her. Oh Joan, I told you not to go!
"Kitty, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Kitty manages. "I'm getting dressed – you can go on without me."
"Are you sure?" Flora asks.
"Yes, go," Kitty says, and they both leave, ducking out into the night.
As soon as she's sure they're gone, she puts her head in her hands, guilt wracking at her insides. Why did she not stop Joan when she had the chance? Why?
By the next morning, the entire hospital knows what has happened, and rumours buzz around like flies. Some say that she resisted arrest, some say that she was seen giving a German her motorcycle and coat, though no-one knows who the German is.
The guilt is driving Kitty mad.
So when she sees him going into the woods that afternoon after coming from the isolation hut, she follows, cautiously, making sure that no-one is watching her. Once they are in the shelter of the bare branches, well away from anyone who could eavesdrop, she speaks.
"How is she?"
He doesn't turn to look at her. "What would you expect?"
The guilt presses down on her chest, forcing the words out of her mouth. "She didn't go to meet him. She thought it was only a letter."
That makes him start, swinging around to look at her with poorly disguised horror on his face. "Did she tell you?"
"I guessed. It didn't take much, really."
The anger forms like a mask settling across his features, and he takes a step towards her. "You knew, but you said nothing?"
"Why are you so angry?" she asks, trying to keep her voice as level as possible. What could she have done – reported Joan for wanting to know whether her fiancé was dead or alive?
"Do you think I amputate limbs for fun? Do you think that I'm constantly in the operating theatre, trying to save men's lives for fun? The Germans did this to them, and she has been fraternising with them, she could be sending them information for all we know…"
"She's not!" Kitty replies hotly, jumping to Joan's defence. "It was a letter! A letter from her fiancé! She wasn't giving information, or anything, she was…"
He's not even listening to her. "A good man could lose his job over this – my boss could be sacked, all because he trusted her as one of the nurses and now his neck is on the block and you knew and said nothing." He stares at her for a second, and there is nothing but disgust in his tone as he turns away. "You're as much to blame as she is."
And for the third time, Kitty watches him walk away, taking a piece of her heart with him. How can he not see? How can he be so blind?
And it's only when she returns to her duties that it hits her. What happens if he tells them that she knew? What happens then?
And then the next day, the other side of the blow falls.
At nine o'clock, a message is sent to all staff to gather in the central quad. Kitty, who has been making more beds and cleaning bedpans all morning whilst hopelessly thinking what else she could have said to try and warn Joan off going for the letter, gets there late and joins the back of the crowd. Matron stands at the front, and Colonel Brett is nowhere to be seen.
"I regret to inform you all that yesterday afternoon, a Red Cross nurse, Edith Cavell, was shot by an enemy firing squad in Belgium for helping Allied prisoners of war escape. We will hold a service this afternoon at three to commemorate her sacrifice for all those who wish to attend."
Cold tendrils of dread snake their way around her heart. Joan and Edith Cavell have committed the same crime. Any leniency that could have been sought will be banished with this news from the other side of the lines. Joan could be shot, like Nurse Cavell, and Kitty knows although it is not her fault, she will carry it with her for the rest of her days as a regret that she will never shed.
And what will happen to her, if Thomas reports her? Will she be shot too, as a co-conspirator? Oh, what her life has become – an adulteress and a German sympathiser – what a story for the tabloids – runaway ex-wife of politician Elliott Vincent shot for aiding the escape of a German prisoner.
Oh what a story. But as her eyes meet his over the dispersing crowd, there isn't the anger she's so used to seeing shining out of them, but confusion. Complete and utter confusion.
It is later that afternoon, and she's about to refill the trolley for a very harassed Nurse Jesmond when she sees it. A truck drawing to a halt in the centre quad. Three men, smartly dressed in khaki with different regimental buttons on their shoulders. They must be the Intelligence Officers everyone has been talking about. She watches as Thomas crosses from the veranda of Colonel Brett's office, salutes them smartly and turns towards her.
Chills run down her spine with icy fingers as his eyes lock onto hers, as he turns to say something to them. They get closer and closer, and has he reported her, are they going to arrest her here and now in front of mobile patients and nurses but no, they're going past towards the isolation hut and she's safe.
Taking a shaking breath of cool autumn air, she begins to push the trolley again. They're not coming for her, she's fine, she's safe - at least, for the moment.
A/N Penultimate chapter! Thank you for Guest and anon for reviewing, and thank you to anon and Fleurdelys21 for correcting my French. Only one more chapter to go! N xx.