The Heroes Parody Project (3.7.26)
Disclaimer: Heroes is copyright of Tim Kring, and NBC. I do not own anything, nor do I represent or know any of the cast and crew related to the show. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities of any actual people, living or dead, is completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.
Author Note: Sorry for the delay (again, I know, I'm terrible at getting these things out on time). This was originally going to be the final chapter but the ending was rushed a bit and there was a lot of things that were left out of the final draft so I'm switching around some things and making the final part of the Volume into a 3 parter. Enjoy!
Noah: Previously on…The Barefoot Contessa?
Matt walks into the kitchen wearing a black wig.
Matt: Hello, viewers! Ina Garten here; cooking delicious meals for all my wonderful friends.
Niki: Help! He's tied us to these chairs and won't let us leave! I've had to pee for like an hour!
Mohinder: These handcuffs are starting to break my skin.
Matt: First up is my delectable Tuna Tar Tar with a blueberry hollandaise sauce. Nothing says good friendship like good food. EAT!
Niki: This tastes like crap. (Spit!)
Matt (fists shaking): YOU'RE GOING TO EAT IT AND LIKE IT!
Matt hears the sound of glass clanging in the kitchen. He rushes in there to find bottles of alcohol everywhere.
Matt: Where the hell did all this booze come from!
Peter (in a blonde wig): COCKTAIL TIME!
Matt: WHAT!
Peter (flipping his wig): Sandra Lee here; and we're about to make some semi-homemade meals!
Matt: Like hell you are! Get out of my kitchen!
Peter: Sorry Ina, it's my show now.
Matt: That's it! When Jeffrey gets home I'm going to have him kick you in the shins!
Elle (in a brunette wig): Did somebody say '30 minute meals?'
Matt and Peter: NO!
Elle: You guys are jerks.
Matt (to Peter): Prepare to die! For I shall switch to my final form.
Matt switches wigs.
Matt: For I am now Paula Deen, yall!
Matt takes a bite out of a stick of butter….then throws up.
Matt: HORF! Ugh…..gross…..
Peter: En Guarde!
Matt and Peter start going to each other's throats. They cross the dining room.
Mohinder: Don't we have a show to do?
Niki: I guess…
Noah: Are you morons done? Previously on Heroes…
Claire: I have no friends!
On the football field.
Claire: Now that the football game is back on, so is the cheerleading program. Which means I have a job again.
All the laid off Company Employees who were subbing as football players.
Elle: Oh crap! We don't know how to play!
Nathan: Run for it!
But earlier…
Noah: Everybody from the company is getting fired….except for me.
Elle: WEAK!
But Sylar and Ted were….
Ted: Talking to Sylar's estranged father!
Samson: You have a power due to this eclipse and I know where you need to go now.
But earlier…
Angela (On the phone with Samson): Sylar will come to you. Send him my way. He's the only one who can help us.
And Matt was…
Matt: Recovering from an accident from the anti-climactic showdown at Disney World! Followed by some identity issues.
But not before long Peter….
Peter: Just got fired from the Company. Now I'm your nurse!
Matt: You'll never take me alive, Sandra Lee!
Peter: Dude, no, that….we're done with that. It's the show now.
Matt: Oh…..Yay, Peter's my nurse!
Mohinder: I too have obtained an ability!
Niki: Is it awesome or what?
Mohinder: I'm a human phone book….
Niki: Wow! What a stupid power!
Elsewhere…
Daphne (on the phone with Ando): People who don't have powers are getting them, and people who do have them are going to lose them. But only during the next few hours of the eclipse. Good thing none of us have regenerative capabilities where in the event of a 'power' outage could totally not be good for someone without an immune system. But luckily nobody on the main cast has that kind of handicap.
Claire: GURK! (collapse)
Hiro and Ando are on a train, a civilian uses telekinetic energy to derail the car.
-
Noah walks into the living room; Claire is in a plastic bubble.
Claire: Isn't this just a little ridiculous?
Sandra: Not for our little girl who is having a bad case of the 'I lost my regenerating body parts' syndrome.
Claire: Can I at least get a magazine to read?
Sandra: I'm afraid not, dear. We're also trying to find a way to get actual food in there since we can't open your bubble in the event you might get contaminated. All we could come up with is this small tube big enough for M&M's. Oh! That reminds me, it's time for your feeding!
Sandra opens the tube and pours the bag of M&M's into Claire's bubble.
Sandra: Now you better finish your dinner or you don't get any dessert….which is more M&M's. (Shakes the bag)
Claire: This sucks. Can I at least get some Skittles or something?
Sandra: Claire, you eat your meal at once! There are starving children in Ethiopia who don't even get M&M's!
Claire: UGH!
Sylar wakes up; he is strapped to a table.
Sylar: How the hell did I get here? I was just talking to that old coot of a father of mine.
Angela: Hello Gabriel.
Sylar: Oh, lord, not this again.
Angela: You are capable of great things, Gabriel. For you are….
Sylar: I'm not your son.
Angela: Hm? Oh, right….well, you have a power now thanks to the power swapping Eclipse. So, I'm going to send someone in here for you to feed on.
Sylar: What's my power?
Angela: I don't know that, yet!
An intern walks into the room.
Intern: It's my first day.
Sylar: I don't have my 'usual power' so I won't be doing any feeding….and stop calling it that, it's weird. Anyway, I'm just going to kill him.
Angela (walking out the door): Call it whatever you want! BYE!
Door slams, writing on the surface reads:
Chapter Twenty Six 'Eclipse Part One: Solar'
Back at Tracy's, Niki is watching tv.
-On Tv-
Narrator: In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as chefs at a five star restaurant. If you're hungry, have no ideas on what to bring to the company pot luck, or if it's your son's bar mitzvah. If no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The Filet Team!
B.A Baracus: I pity the foo who don't like my chicken risotto!
Hannibal: I love it when a flan comes together.
Niki: UGH! AWFUL!
Niki shuts the tv off and tosses the remote. Peter is rubbing Matt's feet next to her.
Niki: And what the hell is this?
Matt: It's my corns…they're causing me great woe.
Niki: Gross. Peter, I hope you're getting paid a lot for putting yourself through this. You couldn't pay me to touch Matt's nasty feet.
Peter looks blankly off in the distance.
Niki: You don't know if you're getting paid, do you?
Peter: I have to make a call.
Niki: You do that.
Matt rotates his body, propping his feet in Niki's lap.
Matt: You're more than welcome to take over.
Niki: And he was peg legged ever since….the end.
-SNAP-
Matt: YEAAAAOWWWCH!
Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando crawl out of the train that is now upside down.
Hiro: Ugh…what happened?
Ando: I think that's what happened?
Hiro, after noticing he was wearing his glasses upside down, flips them over to see a man walking away, flinging his hands, making random people and cars fly everywhere.
Hiro: We're going to have problems explaining this one.
Back at Tracy's, Mohinder storms in.
Mohinder: It's just like I feared. Everybody in the city is getting powers.
Niki: We know Mohinder, and yours just happens to be the worst one.
Mohinder: This is bad…especially for someone like Claire! I have to go visit her at once.
Mohinder grabs his briefcase and starts packing.
Niki: What are you going to do?
Mohinder: I am a doctor, Niki. I must do anything I can.
Niki looks over.
Niki: That suitcase is filled with post-it-notes!
Mohinder: Yes, I must do research! It's the only way to save her. I'll be back in a few days.
Mohinder stops to see both of Matt's broken feet propped up on the table.
Matt: She broke my foots.
Mohinder: Niki….Anger Management…..Try it sometime.
Niki: I AM in anger management! My teacher told me to direct my anger towards a source that's not pissing me off all the time.
Flashback to last week.
Niki is busy at the sewing machine. She takes off her glasses.
Niki: Finished!
She holds up a Matt Parkman plush doll.
Niki: Perfect….
Niki starts wailing on it.
Niki: TAKE THAT! (PUNCH!) AND THAT! (PUNCH!)
Present Day.
Niki: I misplaced my doll….so….
Matt: Actually, I have it. (He holds it up). It's soooo cute!
Niki: GRR!
Mohinder: Well, you two have fun now.
Peter walks back in.
Peter: She's not paying me.
Matt: Oooh, that sucks. Say, since you're back on the clock, can you snap my feet back into place?
Peter: Not this time…
Matt: ….
Niki: …..
Peter: Matthew, can I see you in the restroom for a moment.
Niki: UH….why?
Peter: Just for a minute.
Matt: Sure….
Matt hops up.
Matt: Oh, my feet aren't broken, just sprained. Okay, let's go Pete!
They walk into the bathroom.
Niki: …
CLANG! BASH! CRASH! SLAM! CRASH!
Niki: Oh my god!...I'm missing Hoarders!
She turns the tv back on.
Narrator: You're watching A&E, from the channel that brings you 'Intervention'….it's 'Hoarders!'
Woman: My mother…she has a hoarding problem.
Pauline: My name's Pauline….and I like to hoard people with drug abuse problems.
The camera crew walk inside and see people stacked up to the ceiling.
Host: Oh my!
Niki (giddy): Oh, this is gonna be a good one.
Peter: Nicole, can you see me in the bathroom?
Niki: Who the hell calls me 'Nicole'!. No, I don't feel like getting up.
Peter: But Matthew has fallen, I need you to make sure his fingers don't get smashed in the toilet seat.
Niki: Well, I'm sold.
Niki runs into the bathroom, Matt is sitting on the ground.
Niki: What's this? I was going to smash your fingers…
The door slams behind her and locks.
Niki: What…what just?...
Peter locks the door and props up a chair. Niki is banging on the door.
Niki: Peter! Let us out!
Peter: She used me….for reasons that were not only vague, but unclear and difficult to understand.
Niki: Your mother tricked you! Punish her, dammit!
Peter: I have to go visit mother.
Peter walks off.
Niki: Well, Angela's dead! (She looks at Matt) And why are you just sitting there? What was all that racket? Did he beat you up or something?
Matt: No, I slipped on the floor mat and fell.
Niki: Hmph.
Matt: Well, we're stuck in here….so…here's the thing…..Do you mind….if I…..go?
Niki: YES I MIND!
Matt: Awww…..
Meanwhile, in a dark room somewhere, Nathan walks in. He makes his way toward the light and flicks it on. Elle, The Haitian, and Tracy are sitting there.
Nathan: AHH! Were all of you just sitting in the dark?
Elle: We're very mysterious.
Nathan: Okay, we're calling together our little rebel group. We were fired from The Company.
Tracy: Even me! I can't believe it. I thought I was doing so well.
Nathan: Well, you weren't. Noah and Angela…
Elle: Nathan's mother.
Nathan: We kinda already knew that, but thanks anyway, Elle.
Elle: No prob, Chief!
Nathan: Noah and Angela have gone mad with power. Our mission, one I stayed up all night thinking about. Is to start our own paper company, and put The Company, out of business.
Elle: Two things wrong with that, sir, yes, sir!
Nathan: What?
Elle: First off sir, they did that on The Office, sir!
Nathan: I am aware of that and it actually worked, though I couldn't remember what season it happened in so I had to start watching the DVD's from episode 1 which is why I was up all night. But anyway, that's what I'm basing this entire operation off of.
Elle: Second thing, sir!...You do know that it's not an actual paper company, it's just a front for doing suspicious things to people with powers.
Nathan: …..Then we'll do that.
Tracy: You want to run an operation that kidnaps people with abilities and do studies on them? Kinda hypocritical, don't you think? Seeing as how we all have powers.
Nathan: No, it'll be perfect. The fact that we DO have powers will enable us to secure common ground with other people. They can join us….and together, we'll take down The Company once and for all!
Elle: Ugh, we just got through taking down The Company when it was owned by Disney, I want a break!
Nathan: No breaks! We start this new group, we shall be called….
Elle: AHEM! I'll take this one, Chief!
Nathan: Oh, no you won't! You'll name us something stupid!
Elle: It's in my contract. Get over it.
Nathan: Ugh, fine. Just a small request, we already had the Company Deux, so don't continue the tradition with The Company Thrice, or Three Company's Too or something equally stupid.
Elle: Don't worry, I've got the perfect name. I came up with it ever since my first day at work in the event something like this happened.
Nathan: That's….weird.
Elle: Attention Ex-Company Employees! We are strong! We will fight! We are warriors! That is why I have come up with a name that will not only inject fear into the hearts of our enemies. But also into the hearts of the enemies who don't even know that they're our enemies yet.
Nathan: Uh….
Elle: That's why from this day forward we'll be known as The First Wives Club.
Nathan: Oh my god, are you freaking kidding me?
Elle: Well, I lied about holding that name since I started working here. I wanted to use it but couldn't remember the name of the movie, so I stayed up all last night watching my entire DVD collection. You're not the only one who doesn't have anything better to do with their free time.
Haitian: Why did you have to watch every movie?
Tracy: Yeah, couldn't you just look at the cover?
Elle: Yeah, I like movies.
Nathan: Hmph!
Back at The Bennets, Claire is trying to go downstairs in her bubble.
Claire: Okay, Claire, you got this. You so got this.
Lyle: Hey, move it, Humpty Dumpty.
Claire: Shut up, Lyle! I'd kill you if it weren't for this bubble.
Lyle: But, you can't…..so, mind if I give you a little push? You're blocking the stairs.
Claire: AHH! Stop it, Lyle! I'm going to roll down, you jerk!
Lyle: Well, it's actually kind of a game I made up. In case you were wondering why there are bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs.
Claire: That's it!
Claire pushes out her hands, stretching her bubble, around Lyle's neck.
Lyle: grrrk! Mom, Claire's trying to strangle me!
Claire: Lyle's trying to pop my decontamination bubble!
Sandra: You kids play nice!
POP!
Lyle: …..
Claire: …
Lyle: Smooth move, ex lax.
Claire: Mom's gonna kill you.
Sandra: AHHHH! Claire, your bubble! That's okay; I know exactly what to do in this kind of situation.
Later, Lyle walks into the barn to find Claire in a decontaminated cage.
Lyle: When did we get a barn?
Claire: You're not going to ask the obvious question, why am I in an oversized hamster cage?
Lyle: No, I stand by my first question. Was this barn always here?
Claire: I mean, seriously? I could have dealt with just the cage. But the wheel, that's just insulting. (Changing her voice to high pitched) 'It's for your health, Claire-Bear!'
Lyle: Was that supposed to be mom just now?
Claire: It was Muggles….as done by…well, you know mom.
Lyle: Yeah, that was pretty dead on.
Niki pounds on the door.
Niki: Peter, if you're out there, open this damn door! I promise I won't break all your bones.
Matt: She's lying!
Niki: You're not helping.
Matt: Oh, I'm so hungry….we're going to starve down here.
Niki: We're not in a well, Parkman; we're just trapped in the bathroom. And we've only been in here for 10 minutes, so calm down.
Matt: Niki, look!
Matt takes the vent off the wall.
Matt: I can crawl through this vent and get help.
Matt starts to crawl in.
Niki: Matt, wait!
Niki stops as Matt looks at her. She thinks for a second as she brainstorms two possible scenarios:
-Niki's Head-
A cartoon is shown as an animated Niki climbs into the vent and out of the apartment. The word 'Success!' drops down as she jumps for joy while being covered with balloons and confetti.
-OR-
A cartoon Matt climbs in and gets stuck, he squirms around trying to get free…
Niki: Well, of course I'm going to go with the second one. Okay, Matt, you're good to…
Matt is already stuck in the vent.
Niki: Dammit, Matt! You…oh, wait….okay, we're good.
Angela opens the door to find Sylar and The Intern talking.
Angela: What in the steaming hell is this!
Sylar: We're….talking…?
Angela: You're supposed to take his power!
Sylar: Uh…huh….and what power was that again?
Angela: I don't know. Just get it and be done with it. I need you…
Sylar: For what?
Angela: Listen, Gabriel. There is a war coming between me and a very, very bad man. And it is up to you to stop it.
Sylar: Why? I'm a villain again.
Angela: No, you're not.
Sylar: Yes, I am.
Angela: No, you're not.
Sylar: Yes, I am.
Angela: NO! YOU'RE NOT!
Sylar: Yes, I am! Stop telling me I'm not.
Angela: Hmph!
Angela walks out, joining Ted who is watching the scene from the window.
Ted: Wanna talk about it, champ?
Angela: Sylar is holding out on me. But so is that intern, he must give Sylar his power before the eclipse ends.
Ted: Then the intern will lose his power.
Angela: Right.
Ted: And Sylar loses his power.
Angela: Right.
Ted: And any powers he happens to obtain from interns.
Angela: Ri…(Stop)
Angela looks at Ted.
Angela: Oh, shut up.
Ted: What?
Angela storms back inside and grabs the intern.
Angela: What is your power? I have learned that you have an ability and I must know what it is.
Intern: Absolutely! I know magic!
Ted: This should be good.
Angela: Well, show us!
Later….The Intern is sitting at a table with cards in front of him.
Angela: What is this?
Intern: It's called Magic: The Gathering!
Angela: What!
Intern: You see, these cards are called Land Cards, you turn them sideways, called 'Tapping' to tap 'Mana' to cast spells. Oooh! I just summoned a Goblin Warlord! Be careful, Mrs. Petrelli. It's probably going to eat your face off!
Angela: WHAAAAT!
10 minutes later.
Angela: Well, I just had that intern gunned down by my personal firing squad. Now, I'm back to square one. DAMMIT!
Sylar: Can I go now?
Angela: Ugh, fine….get out of here. I have to resort to Plan B….or….W….or whatever, oh this day has been just a waste. Where are my cucumbers? My eyes are feeling extra puffy!
Ted: Can I have his cards?….They're like….right there.
In front of The Company Headquarters, a van pulls up. Nathan hops out.
Nathan: Okay, team.
Elle: You have to use our name!
Nathan: Ugh…..First Wives Club, form up!
Elle: This is so exciting! It's like a field trip!...Though I didn't go on too many when I was a kid…
-Flashback to Elle's Childhood-
Elle's teacher enters the room.
Mrs. Frizzle: Okay, class! Where should we take the Magic School Bus today?
Elle shoots her hand in the air.
Elle: My vote is that we go adventure through Arnold's colon again!
Mrs. Frizzle: That's an excellent idea, Elle! Okay, class. Grab your spelunking equipment!
Classmates: Hooray!
Arnold: OH NO, NOT AGAIN!
-Present Day-
Nathan: I'm surprised you had friends.
Elle: Speaking of 'No Friends'…
Claire (in her cage): Can someone refill my water bottle! I'm starting to get dry mouth…..
She looks at her food bowl.
Claire: And why am I still being fed M&M's?
Nathan: What happened with that?
Elle: She got friends, I guess….who cares, she has bigger fish to fry now.
Nathan: Good point. Okay, now onto the plan.
Elle: Are we going to write bad things about Mr. B? OOOH, I just thought of something good!
Nathan: I can think of something better.
The building catches on fire and continues to burn as smoke looms into the air.
Tracy: Well, are you going to tell us the plan, or just sit there and watch Backdraft!
Nathan: Oh, sorry.
Nathan closes his dvd player.
Nathan: Okay, we sneak in…..and…shred all of Noah's important documents.
Noah: You're going to need the passcode.
Nathan: And what would that be, mister 'I'm Noah Bennet and I'm standing right behind…', oh wait, that's exactly who you are.
Noah: What the hell is going on here?
Nathan: Abort the mission!
Elle: I locked the keys in the van.
Nathan: Call the locksmith!
Elle (To Noah): You may have won this round, big head!
Noah: My head's not big….
Elle: But nobody crosses The First Wives Club! NOBODY!
Noah: That was the name you picked?
Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando turn a corner to find the train attacker.
Man: I'm getting tired of you two following me.
With the swoop of a hand, Hiro and Ando go flying backward, crashing into some garbage.
Hiro: OOF!
Man: I'm just going to have to take care of you.
He walks over, a lead pipe hovering over his hand.
Hiro: Now really, you can't just hold that?
The man starts to make a swiping motion, Ando holds out his hands as red electricity fires off, blasting the man across the alley.
Ando: Hiro! I got my lightning power back! We're saved. I can supercharge your…
Hiro: You can't supercharge anything, Ando. I have nothing right now.
Ando: Oh right….
Claire wakes up, she feels strange. She sits up, realizing her body is covered from head to toe in Post-It-Notes.
Claire: What the hell is this!
She spots Mohinder sitting outside her cage.
Claire: Mohinder? What are you doing here?
Mohinder: I have come to the conclusion that your lack of abilities will make you weaker.
Claire: Uh, duh. And by the way, what kind of scientist are you? All these Post-It-Notes just have the word 'RESEARCH' written on all of them.
Mohinder: It's critical to my…..research. (He writes something down)
Claire: Are you doing a crossword puzzle!
Mohinder: Okay, time for a break. I'll be back after dinner. Your mother is making the most delicious meal.
He starts to walk off.
Claire: Can you have her…
Mohinder: Yeah, yeah, M&M's….got it.
Claire: NO, DAMMIT! ARGH!
Later, Noah is walking down a hallway he stop at what appears to be a prison cell. This prison cell contains Nathan, Elle, Tracy and The Haitian.
Elle: How could you turn us in, Mr. B? We didn't want to hurt anybody, just your business.
Noah: I didn't turn anybody in. You hit a cop car…..while speeding…..through a red light…in a school zone…without a driver's license or insurance…..in what I think was a stolen van.
Elle: Oh, that's not that bad.
Noah: I've come to tell you that I've talked it over with Angela and she was kinda…..over her head when she made the decision to fire you. We would really like to have you back when you get out of prison.
Nathan: Thanks, buddy.
Noah makes his way out of the prison.
Nathan: Yeah, after the Eclipse ends we're busting out of here.
Claire is walking around her cage; someone comes up behind her and throws a bag over her head.
Claire: ACK!
Later, in a vehicle.
Claire: What's going on? Where am I! You're not going to make a pass at me or anything are you?
Mohinder: Don't be ridiculous, Claire.
Claire: Wh…Mohinder! What is going on?
Mohinder: I'm not getting the answers I need. So…
Claire: You kidnapped me!
Mohinder: 'Removing you from your decontaminated environment for my selfish needs at the expense of your health' is a little harsh….let's just say I kidnapped you.
Claire: And you honestly think I'm protected by a plastic bag over my head?
Mohinder: Sure!
Claire: Hmph…..
Meanwhile, at Angela's.
Angela (searching through her desk): Pointless, pointless…I have to take matters into my own hands, AS USUAL.
The door to her office swings open, Peter stands in the doorway.
Peter: Hello, mother dearest….
Angela: Peter? What are you doing here? Why aren't you being Matt Parkman's personal servant? You know what, I don't care. Just close that door, birds are always flying loose around here.
A pigeon swoops down and makes off with Angela's checkbook.
Angela: DAMN THIEVING BIRDS!
Peter (in a trance): All work and no pay makes Peter a dull boy….
Angela: What are you doing?
Peter pulls out a knife.
Angela: WHAT THE!
Peter sits down and uses the knife to open the cardboard box on the floor; he pulls out a bathroom plunger.
Angela: Oh, well, that's far less intimidating.
Peter holds the plunger with both hands.
Angela: Peter, you've clearly gone insane. So, there's only one thing that can save you.
Angela opens a drawer and pulls out a Bible…..she opens the bible to a hollowed out section holding a gun. She whips it out and shoots at Peter, who dives out of the way. Angela takes off running. Peter follows her out of the hall swiping things left and right with the plunger, breaking glass vases and knocking pictures off the wall.
Angela: What is with the plunger?….and stop breaking my things, young man!
Niki is lying on the bathroom floor; Matt is still stuck in the vent.
Matt: Probably not a good time to bring this up….still need to go.
Niki: You're right….it's not a good time to bring it up.
Meanwhile, Noah is driving down the road.
Noah (On the phone): Sandra, will you calm down?
Sandra (on the phone): That quacky doctor took Claire! You have to find her before she dies of everything in the book.
Noah: That Mohinder…..don't worry. I'll track him down.
Sandra: Just hurry, okay?...Noah?...Noah?
Noah's cell phone is lying in the driver's seat, with Noah nowhere to be found.
To Be Continued.