His stomach was fluttering like leaves in the wind. He had reached a point where he could not make himself eat any more of the porridge in his hands out of fear that he may throw it up.
It… wasn't fear. Alarion knew fear.
Yet, it wasn't quite excitement either. On the one hand, Alarion was awestruck over everything around himself. The mountains were breathtaking. Their utter majesty of beauty made Alarion feel both small and powerful. They were just as foreboding as they were inviting. Alarion wanted to explore them.
Snow was incredible. It was both soft and hard. Cold and icy, biting into his fingers, but also fluffy and fun.
He liked the horses, a lot. He really wanted to spend more time with them.
Alarion was… trying not to think about that Sky-Place too much.
There were a lot of people there, and, according to everyone, he had a lot of friends that lived there as well.
How would that be like? Cole never outright mentioned he knew him for years, but he never denied either. Dorian tried to tell him, but Alarion hadn't been ready to hear it. Varric… conveniently didn't lie about it, but had clearly gone about their relationship as if they had just met.
But these people? They weren't going to hide it. Alarion and they were both going in knowing years of friendship were between them despite the fact that the elf couldn't remember them. That was a mindset Alarion had never experienced before and the dark looming unknown of it all was terrifying… but also exciting.
Void be damned, he was shaking again!
"Alarion,"
He jumped and turned to spot Cole staring at him from beneath his large hat. "It's okay. They're happy you're alive, even if they don't know it yet."
Alarion didn't respond. Instead, he glanced over at Varric and Dorian auguring near the horses. They sounded like they both agreed that Alarion needed to stay mostly hidden from the majority of the populous there, but whole-heartily disagreed on the best way to go about it. Alarion had been tuning them out for the most part.
To distract himself further, he turned back to Cole. "Are you excited to go back?"
"Yes." The boy looked thrilled before turning bashful. "I didn't say goodbye when I left. They didn't know where I was. I hope they're not mad."
Alarion blinked. "They knew you went with Varric, right? Or… wait. When did Varric show up in Tevinter? I know Dorian lived there…"
"Dorian wrote a letter to Varric. A secret letter after he found you. And another letter. The left-hand reaches out with the right way. Protect and conceal. Must keep safe.
"Hands shake over the familiar handwriting on three separate letters. Why now? The words so specifically vague. Madness or hope that cannot be squashed. Story's no good for heroes."
Cole slapped his hands over his ears. "Pain, hurt, blame. Pain so fresh it's blinding white against his arresting purple. Loud and wrong! I have to help. I want to help. I need to help.
"I-I didn't know you were alive, Alarion. I wanted to help. I came to Tevinter to help, and now I get to help you instead of missing you. It's it wonderful?"
"Um, sure Cole."
"I know I don't always say it right. I'm sorry."
Alarion paused then let out a very quiet chuckle that sounded more like a breath of air than anything else. "As if I say things right any better? You're fine, Cole. I may not always understand you, but I like listening to you."
"Do you? I'm glad. I will try."
When they grew quiet, Alarion noticed he didn't hear Varric and Dorian arguing in the background anymore. A glance in their direction revealed that Varric was tearing down a tent while Dorian was approaching.
Alarion's heart slammed against his chest and he had to desperately remind himself that he had done nothing wrong and Dorian wasn't glaring because he was upset with him.
Sure enough, Dorian let out a small sigh before giving him the best attempt of a smile. "Varric has worn me down; we're too familiar and likely to be recognized if the four of us were to walk into Skyhold. Varric and I have quite the memorable faces given how famous we are. Alarion, despite being the most infamous of us all, your face is unlikely to be noticed. So…" He gritted his teeth for a moment. "We will be splitting up from here. You and Cole will go ahead while Varric and I will follow soon after." He gave a pointed look in Varric's direction. "Very soon after."
Varric ignored him while Cole fidgeted. "Silent, sliding, sneaking. I can be quiet."
Dorian looked back with another forced smile for Alarion. "We're not going to be hiding from our friends, but from the main populous of Skyhold; they do not know you are alive. We'll meet up around the barns and I'll take you to be introduced to Cassandra, as well as the others if you're feeling up to it."
"Okay."
"Cole will show you where the barn is at. You need not worry."
"Okay."
Dorian let out a burst sigh. "How are you doing, Alarion? Are you nervous?"
Alarion gulped. He didn't want to make Dorian too concerned. "A bit."
A raised eyebrow was the only sliver of worry Alarion could discern from his face. However, his voice was less concealed. "I see. Anything I can do?"
"No, I… I don't think so. B-but thank you."
For only the smallest moment, Alarion saw Dorian hand twitch and begin to reach out before he immediately thought the better of it. The body language was so subtle Alarion was grateful he noticed at all. "If I you think of something or have any questions, do let me know."
"I will."
"One distracts with actions while the other with words." The two men jumped, both briefly forgetting Cole was there. "Two sides of the same coin that isn't rigged. Can't do both."
Alarion gently frowned, pondering the words as he saw Dorian's face redden at the tops of his cheeks. "None of that now, Cole. We have a mission and we need to see it through."
"Yes. You don't need to worry. I know where to go."
"And you'll stay mostly out of sight?"
"Yes. You are very worried. I'll keep your promise for you."
"Oh, very well. With the full knowledge that I am beginning to sound like a mothering hen, I would like to once again remind the two of you to be safe and that we'll see you soon."
For a moment, it looked like he wanted to do or say something more. Instead, he held out his hand. It took a moment of internal pep-talking, but slowly Alarion reached out and accepted the hand.
Dorian's hands were very warm for someone that complained about being cold as often as he did. Due to the gloves that he was wearing, Alarion could not feel the callouses he knew to be there on either of their hands. Still, the warmth from the not-quite-a-handshake-but-not-hand-holding-either spread up to Alarion's cheeks.
Perhaps the pair held on longer than needed, but Dorian quickly let go. "…See you soon then, Alarion."
"Um, yeah. Soon."
Dorian walked away towards Varric to help bring down the last of the campsite. Not wanting to linger, Alarion quickly started towards his horse with Cole at his heels.
As they mounted, Alarion's face had not lost the warmth from before. Quietly, he urged his horse forward.
The pair rode in silence for a good while before Cole pointed forward. "Skyhold."
Alarion looked up to see, in the distance, a sight he never knew could exist. He felt the breath leave his lungs as he stared. Silhouetted against the snowy mountain tops laid easily the biggest building Alarion had ever seen. It seemed to almost blend into the mountains, the stony structure only being contrasted by the white snow and the bright flags decorating it. For a long time, Alarion could do nothing but stare at its size, its awe-inspiring towers, and the majestic mountains that encompassed it.
"Wow." The simple word did not contain the amount of wonder Alarion was feeling, but it had to do.
"Home," Cole added. "Yours and mine and many others. They are excited to have you back."
o.O.o
As they approached the gates, the guards posted there made Alarion squirm in his seat. He wondered if they recognized him, or if he should recognize them, or if they had never met before, or…
Out loud, he let out a very quiet sigh, attempting to school his thoughts before panic overtook him.
They passed through without a problem or even anyone looking at them twice. When they arrived into the courtyard, Alarion's mouth dropped open. How could somewhere with so much snow have so much green? The grass below him was plentiful, the flowers decorated the long staircase in front of him, and there were many people around them, walking to and from chatting amongst themselves.
Without a word, Cole jumped down from his horse and Alarion quickly followed suit, still staring shamelessly at the sight in front of him. Gently, Cole grabbed the two reins and began to make his way to their right. With some effort, Alarion tore his eyes away. As they walked through the people, Alarion stuck very close to Cole, very desperately not wanting to get lost. The crowd seemed to be condensed around this area due to, from what Alarion could see, the marketplace that seemed to be set up there. Thankfully, they made their way through without issue and came onto the wooden building Alarion assumed to be the stables given the horses scattered about.
"There's someone that wants to see you," Cole told him after Alarion was done looking about the place. "He can smell you."
"He… he can what?"
Despite his misgivings that he smelled bad enough that his odor was identifiable, Alarion followed Cole and attempted to not let his anxiety overwhelm him.
After putting the horses into a closed off area that Alarion wished he knew the name for, Cole led him inside the stables and through the stalls. As they moved further in, Alarion's fear began to rise as he heard loud stomps from one of the horses that seemed to get louder as they moved further in.
Finally, Cole stopped in front of one seemingly at random. Alarion's heart jumped as he realized it was the loud one. Still, blind trust in Cole propelled him forward until he was face-to-face with a… not a horse given the majestic horns coming out the sides of his head. The white face neighed at him, stomped a foot, then began as forward as the door it was behind allowed him.
"He wants you to pet him," Cole informed him.
But Alarion had already begun to reach forward before Cole and finished talking. The not-horse nuzzled his hand affectionately, warm skin brushing against him.
"Hart," Alarion realized, blinking as a small smile began to inch across his face. "You're not a horse, you're a hart."
"He's your hart," Cole told him. "He was a gift from your family. You named him 'Lathy'. He reminded you that you still belonged to your clan."
"Lathy." Alarion's smile grew as he began to pet the hart in earnest. The hart responded in kind, snout nestling into his neck as Alarion reached forward and hugged him.
As a warmth spread into his chest, Alarion eventually pulled back as he blinked back tears of joy. "I'm so glad to meet you again. Thank you, Cole, for bring me here."
"I'm glad I helped."
After a few moments of petting, Alarion froze as Cole's words crept over him. How… how had he not asked about…? Guilt and dread and fear tempted to swallow him as Alarion whispered, "C-Cole?"
"Yes?"
"Do… Do I have a family?"
"Yes."
Alarion shut his eyes and buried his face in his hands. Ignore the rest of the world, Alarion collapsed onto the ground, not caring to what he might be sitting in.
Some slaves had families, but it was always a thing that Alarion feared. Families could be torn apart. Families could have members that were killed or worse. They were a weakness that could be exploited just as easily as they were pillars of support. Whenever Alarion thought of families, he was always torn between being grateful he didn't have one and deeply, horribly, grieved that he would never have one.
Yet since he learned that he was not, in fact, a slave, Alarion had, not until now, thought about asking about his family. How could he not have? He didn't deserve one when it took him this long to even ask about them.
"No, no, no, no." Cole murmured. "I made it worse. Alarion, I'm sorry. I didn't think coming here would upset you."
Alarion, for a long time, did not emerge from his buried head. Finally, he looked up at Cole. "Tell me about them? Please?"
"The words come out as screams until the words won't come at all. How can I speak if he's not here to listen?
"Flowing hair envelopes me like his hugs did before his body went cold. People are looking. Cannot bring myself to stand.
"Fingers burn as the arms do. Little Heart's lessons stick into my mind until I can climb them out. Which is the truth and which is the lie?
"Two hands held together while two others dig at the ground. The shemlens wanted to burn the body, but we refused to submit. A big strong oak like the ones he used to climb. May he finally find the peace we never shall."
Alarion went back to burying his face in his hands. He stayed down and silent, barely aware of Lathy's nose nuzzling the top of his head nor Cole silently watching over him.
Many minutes past until Cole spoke again. "They thought you were dead. They were very happy when they learned you aren't."
"That's… something at least." Alarion glanced up at the wooden boards above. No one spoke for a few minutes until Alarion whispered, "I have a family."