Angels say they could make you suffer
Give and take like a vicious lover
But all this loses meaning
You'll never want it back somehow
Awake but still I'm dreaming
And never waking up
"The Grace" by Neverending White Lights
Becca's POV
I was jolted awake when someone shifted on the bed beside me. My heart was pounding hard and fast against the confines of my chest, my bare breasts heaving with the force of my breathing, and my mouth had gone dry. Where was I? And who's arm was thrown across my waist? Whose bare skin was spread so shamelessly against my own? The moment of panic passed as I slowly began to remember what had happened last night.
Bill slowly unveiling his hard, muscled body to me...his hands stroking the undersides of my thighs...Ron's face flashing before my eyes in place of Bill's.
Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes before I'd even realized that I'd closed them. Bill's lips on the back of my neck filled me with awareness and I started to pull away, not wanting him to hurt anymore. I still couldn't believe that I had let Ron come between us yet again. The tears begged to flow down my face at the thought of him with another woman. He had started this. I was tired of playing the games and I was tired of trying to convince myself to be happy when it was obvious that the only thing that could truly make me happy was completely out of my reach.
"Becca?" Bill asked behind me, his fingers reaching out for my body. But his warm reassurance was anything but this morning. There were too many things left unsaid and undone between us.
"No," I muttered, leaning away from him and wrapping my arms around myself. I stood up and made my way across the room to where my abandoned dress had been sitting all night. I'd never felt more alone and more terrified in my entire life as I pulled the green silk up my bare body. I could feel Bill's eyes staring holes into the back of my head. Once I had my dress secured, I went back over to the bed and sat down. Refusing to look at Bill because of my own shame, I faced away from him.
I tried not to think of the irony of the situation. Here was a man willing to give me everything and I couldn't take him because another had broken me. I'd never even really been with Ron. The man I knew him to be was kind and gentle. Full of life, lust, and love. But he was very different in reality. He was all riddles and I had never been good at them. For all my book smarts and logic, I'd never been able to figure out the greatest puzzle of all. That of human nature.
"What the hell do ya mean 'no'?" his voice rang through the room. I listened to the scratch of his boxers against the skin of his thighs and shivered, remembering all too well what was hiding beneath that thin layer of fabric.
"Bill, I can't keep doing this to you," I replied, my voice so quiet that I could feel him lean toward me to hear better. The silence and tension in the room was so thick that I could have sliced it apart with a knife. This moment had been building. Slowly but surely since the day that I had come here and seen Ron standing in the middle of the road. I knew it would come to this eventually and I knew that this was a turning point. A fork in the road. But how could I possible decide which path to take?
Bill's face swam into view and I realized he was kneeling before me, his mouth set in a determined line drawn of love and understanding. He grabbed my chin, forcing me to stare into his dark eyes, "Becca, I know what you're thinking. And believe me, I didn't think for a moment that this-us-was going to be easy. I know how you feel about Speirs and I know there's a lot working against me right now. But I want to be with you. I want to be the one you would think about if you were another man. I love you and all I want is a chance to change your mind. Please, Becca." I sobbed, choking on my own guilt and desperation. I could see that being with him, forcing him to be near me when I was thinking about Ron, was so selfish. But I needed Bill. For so much more than being my lover. He'd been my friend first and foremost. I didn't want to lose him. So I nodded and he smiled up at me, his dark eyes sparkling with joy.
He kissed the top of my head before moving across the room to grab our bags. He dressed quickly and I followed after him, pulling my uniform on. Trying to think about anything but what had just happened, I realized just how surreal it felt to still be here. A woman in Easy Company...it almost sounded like a badly-written sit com. Though, if I was the star, I couldn't have cared less. I wanted this more than anything and it saved me from having to establish myself in a world that felt like it was something out of my wildest imaginations.
Turning my attention back to the man kneeling before me, I realized with a sudden conviction that he was the man I should always be thinking about. He should be the one I dreamed of almost every night. Bill was the one who had never left me. I was the one who had always left him. Guilt filled me and I resisted the urge to start crying again. Instead, I reached down to take his hand in my own.
"Bill, I-I don't know where this is going to lead us or if I can get over Ron any time soon, but I can't lose you. You're the most important person to me so I'll try for you," I told him, whispering the words that were so true and so close to my heart. I still couldn't tell him the true extent of my feelings for him. I couldn't say the words that I knew he was desperate to hear fall from my lips. I simply wasn't ready and if I said it too soon, I might just be saying it to pacify him. I wanted to be sure about him. I wanted to know with all the strength in my body that I loved him, without question.
"I'll take it," he said, a smile gracing his lips a second before he leaned forward and laid a kiss on my forehead. My eyes closed of their own volition, my body telling me what my mind continued to deny. I wrapped my hands around his neck and pressed myself more firmly against him, aware of the little clothing that was between his bare skin and my own. Heat filled my cheeks, but I didn't pull away from him. For just this moment, I would let myself love him for all that I was worth. Fear and dread filled me at the thought of going back to Easy. I could imagine two pinpoints of burning, black anger staring at me. I envisioned those eyes surrounded be a strong jaw, dark brown hair, and a frown that would tell me what his eyes could not. I knew that Ron would be angry at seeing Bill and I return from our weekend together. I didn't want to care what he thought about it, but I couldn't seem to help it. How could I just stop caring about someone who I would readily give myself to mind, body, and soul?
Ron's POV
Their legs were entangled beneath the sheets, their bare bodies pressed so firmly together that not a breath of air could pass between them. I looked on. In horror, in disgust, in fury. How had it come to this? Had I pushed Rebecca so far that she had no other choice but to run into the arms of this other man? Jealousy and anger burned within me, lighting my insides with such hatred that I was sure if I had the chance I would kill the man wrapped so firmly around her perfect body.
I could still hear the sounds of their love-making. Her soft moans and pants reverberated in my ears. His primal growls and grunts as he pushed himself within her soft folds cut through me to my very soul. There was no hurt, no pain greater than this. Of another man taking the woman you were in love with. Yet at the same time, I could see that she was happy. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to pull her away from him and never let her go again. But there was always something that held me back. That exultant smile that curled her lips upward as she descended the winding staircase of sweet bliss was what kept me back. If I had had a doubt in my mind of my feelings for her, this was the turning point. There was no doubt, no question of whether or not I loved her. The only question I had left was if I was strong enough to let her leave me behind to be happy with her sergeant.
The dream kept running through my mind. Over and over and over again. The same question had been plaguing my thoughts from the moment I had woken up. Was I strong enough to let her go? I wanted to be strong enough for that. I wanted to be so many things for her. Unselfish, easily forgiving. But the truth was that I wasn't any of those things. Of course I wanted to see her happy. With me, not him. Besides, what man honestly wants to see the woman they love with another man?
I walked a few more feet, pausing when I saw a jeep pull up next to the curb in front of me. Seeing two familiar faces, I ducked around the corner of a building to watch them in secret. Jealousy writhed like a monster inside my stomach, growling and lying in wait to be unleashed. I gritted my teeth and balled my hands to keep myself in check. Losing my temper at a time like this was not the answer.
The sergeant hopped down from the jeep, ran around to the other side and helped Becca down. For a moment, it looked as if he would let her move around him to grab her bag, but then he grabbed her wrist. I could see the possessiveness and the desire in that one touch. I seethed in silence, staying in place the hardest thing I had ever had to do. Becca turned her eyes upward, taking in the set lines of his face. A blush spread itself across her cheeks and I could see something in her eyes that made my heart break. Maybe the dream hadn't been just that. Perhaps the connection between us hadn't been broken by her coming here. Anger rushed anew through my system. At her, at the sergeant, at God himself. What had I done to deserve such pain?
Slowly, he bent his head to capture her lips in a searing kiss. It was full of passion, desire, and love. I gulped. That was it. Another reason she wouldn't be with me was this man kissing her right in front of me. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the images already imprinted on my brain. I couldn't stand this, couldn't take the burning hatred, the despair gripping my soul so tightly that I was choking on its stinging essence. I turned away from them, not able to bear the sight of them any longer. But as I walked away, a shining ray of hope shone across my mind. A memory of a few days before flashed before my eyes.
"Ron, I...I didn't realize before tonight. But all the dreams, waiting and wanting you so badly, have shown me what I've been denying for a long time. It's obvious that you don't want me too, but I have to tell you that I-I love you."
Her love for me could not have faded in such a short space of time. Even if she had made love to him, there was still a chance that I could change her mind. I just didn't really have any idea how to go about doing that.
Becca's POV
Bill pulled away first. His breath blew in hot, comforting waves across my face. I kept my eyes closed, trying to savor this one perfect moment before we had to face reality again. The weekend away with him had let me have fun again. Fun without bullets raining down on us from all sides, fun without seeing uniformed men wherever we went. It had been refreshing and I was nowhere near ready to go back to the bloodshed and despair that was sure to come soon. I tried to remember all the things my father had told me about Easy and I thought that there was going to be a drop soon.
"You okay?" Bill asked me and I realized his voice was not as close as it should have been. I opened my eyes, my breath coming in a sharp gasp when I saw him at the back of the jeep getting our bags out.
I stared at him for a second, my heart throbbing with want and need. His black hair was still ruffled from the workings of my hands as we'd kissed. His lips were swollen and pink. My pulse raced in my neck and I had to smile when he met my eyes. His eyes were twinkling with excitement.
"Look doll face, I know I'm gorgeous but mind helping me out with these bags? You packed a horse in yours or something," Bill said, chuckling as I stalked over to him and smacked him upside the head.
"Now you've done it," he muttered mischievously. He dropped the bags and lunged toward me, his fingers tickling my sides. Letting out a peal of laughter, I basked in the joy that was encompassing my heart. If only life could be so easy. I thought I deserved a bit of happiness after losing the only thing that had been important in my life. Apparently, God had different plans for me.
Someone clearing their throat behind us had Bill's fingers freezing along my sides. We both turned on our heels, taking in the sight of the familiar face before us. I breathed a sigh of relief and I felt Bill's hands slide back to his sides. I immediately missed the warmth and comfort of him wrapped around me. Trying to keep the disappointment off my face, I looked shyly up at Lipton. He was looking at us both with a knowing smile.
"Winters wanted me to get you two when you got back. There's a meeting scheduled today for two o'clock," he told us, walking forward and grabbing my bag from my feet. Then he threw an arm around my shoulders and pulled me forward toward the house I was staying in.
"What the hell are you doin' Lip?" Bill called behind us. I chuckled at him and so did Lipton.
"Get back to barracks, Gonorrhea." I covered my mouth with my hand to keep my giggles stifled. Though, when the man beside me sighed and let his hand fall back to his side, the laughter died in my throat. I glanced up at him, afraid of what I would see there. Condemnation, anger, disappointment? It surprised me when I didn't see any of that staring down at me. It was sadness.
"What's the matter?" I asked, worry etching itself across my face. Lipton turned to me, his eyes glassy and his mouth set into a dejected frown. I set my hand in his, giving his fingers a small squeeze, "Carwood?" He turned his head toward me, his eyes clearing as though a curtain was being lifted from them.
"I'm fine. It's just...it's been a long time since I've heard someone laugh like that. With all the-with everything that's happened to us, I'm glad that at least one of us can still laugh like that," Lip replied, his voice so quiet that I had to lean in slightly to hear everything that he was saying. That sent my head reeling. I had never thought about the fact that just maybe I was here to help Easy too. They'd already helped me in more ways than one. Accepting me first as a new addition to their tightly-knit group. And then welcoming me with open arms when they were told that I was really a woman. Of course, what band of 150 men wouldn't want a woman in their midst while they roved the country side fighting the Germans?
Could this be why I'd been sent back? I knew about their history. Or at least what I could remember about it from what my father had told me. It was more than that though. I had what none of them had. I was a woman. Could that make all the difference between those times when they were down on their luck? I couldn't know until we got to Bastogne, but I would do everything in my power to keep all of them from falling off the deep end. I would try to keep their morale up when we were stuck in the frozen holes in the middle of the forest surrounded by the enemy.
"Well, I'm glad to be of service, Lip," I said, trying to keep my tone light. When I saw the smile curl his lips, I knew I'd done a good job of it. He squeezed my hand back and then let it drop back to my side. The warming of my heart told me that finally, I'd found my purpose in traveling back to this time. I couldn't help but feel light-headed with the revelation. Could I really be that for so many men? I had no idea, but I would try my hardest to do that. It was the least I could do considering how much more they had to endure than me.
"Hey, it's Becca!" Joe said, motioning me over as I walked through the entrance of the building. It was cramped in here, but my mind was filled with other things as I moved between the men.
"Hey Joe. Hey Bill," I said quietly. Settling between the two , I looked up at the stage before us. I could see Nixon and Winters in the back, their heads together and their mouths moving fast as they tried to figure out some last minute details of the next jump. Lipton was standing there, his canteen in his hand and his eyes roving over everyone and everything in the room. The fear and trepidation that was suddenly permeating the air was palpable. If you didn't focus on something other than what lay ahead of us in gallons of bloodshed, tears, and sweat then you had a chance of not drowning in it. But, I couldn't help but think about it. After all, what I had just realized had been running over and over in my head since I'd talked with Lipton. I found myself with such a big responsibility. And the fact that I had finally discovered the reason for me being here was slightly disconcerting. I knew I could do it. In some ways, I guessed I'd already done it. Then again, time traveling had never been my area of expertise so I didn't know how it worked exactly.
A jolt shot through my arm to my left. I looked toward the source and saw Bill looking at me with a smirk on his face. I raised my eyebrows at him and he jerked his head toward where Nixon and Winters were now standing, facing the whole of Easy Company.
"You might want to pay attention for this," he whispered in my ear, sending electricity across my skin. Would he ever stop making me feel so strongly? I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the jumbled mixture of emotions coursing through my mind so that I could pay attention to the details of our next jump. I was sure that's what it was. Past Dick, I could see the bold letters spelling out: Operation Market Garden. I shuddered, recognition flooding through me. We were jumping into Holland.
"As you can see, this next jump is called Operation Market Garden," Dick said, his strong voice resounding through the cramped room. Bill shifted beside me, the tense muscles of his leg brushing against my own. I reached over and took his hand, entwining our fingers and silently telling him that I was here for him. He squeezed my fingers and I smiled.
"As far as the number of Airborne divisions involved, this one is bigger than Normandy. We're making the drop into occupied Holland. Our objective-," Dick paused as he turned around and motioned at the map. He traced a road that was located between two large dots, "is to take this road here between Eindhoven and Arnhem so that two British Armored Divisions can move up and toward Arnhem." Bill looked at me and I could see in his eyes that he wanted to ask me something. I'd had a feeling that knowing the future would affect our situation somehow. But even now, I could somehow sense my memories of the future slipping away. It had been so long since I'd heard the sound of my father's voice and I'd tried so hard to push all the thoughts of him from my mind. These repressed memories were coming back in snatches and snippets, slowly and steadily. So, I couldn't tell Bill much. But I knew enough that at least through Eindhoven, we would be safe.
"We've been given the task of liberating Eindhoven, stay there, and wait for the tanks to arrive," Dick concluded. He nodded, his icy blue eyes piercing through each of us with that quiet strength that was all him. He turned around and that seemed to be Nixon's cue to walk forward.
"The entire Allied advance has been put on hold to allocate resources for this operation. We'll be under British command since it's Montgomery's plan," Nix paused as the groans made the rounds of the crowd. Bill rolled his eyes beside me and I giggled.
"Fuckin' Brits," Bill muttered before reaching in his pocket and taking out a cigarette.
"Good news is, if this works, we'll get over the Rhine and into Germany. That could get us home by Christmas." I tried to keep my face neutral. There was no way of knowing for certain if history would repeat itself or if it would change because of something I would do. If it did repeat, then none of us would be going home until next year.
"It's going to be a daytime jump. Intelligence says that we shouldn't expect much opposition. They think the Krauts in Holland are mostly kids and old men and we should take them all by surprise. In any case, I don't think they're gonna call this one off so say goodbye to England boys." I cleared my throat, raising my eyebrow at him. He smiled, obviously happy for the break in the monotony of his words.
"And girl, sorry," he chuckled. The sigh of relief swept through the room and everyone chuckled. I smiled, a blush forming on my face before I ducked my head.
"Alright, dismissed," Dick called. We all moved toward the door as one unit, all of us already thinking about the jump. What would be waiting for us in Holland? If the intelligence was right on this one, we shouldn't expect much of a fight. So, just maybe, knowing the future wouldn't change the course of history. Something about that statement sent a chill down my spine. I'd never really thought about the fact that maybe something would happen to one of the people I cared about and I would want to change history.
So I did get to double-check this one and hopefully the changes I made will make it easier to read as well as more enjoyable. I know it always takes away when I see a ton of errors in a chapter. Anyways...a full week without regular internet access ahead of me at my mom's house. Yay! O.o Yes that is my super-sarcasm face lol. Anywho...I wanted to send a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed for this chapter. Miss AivieEnchanted is the lucky gal who tied SID with my first Speirs story, LMHH, in the way of reviews. They're both at 169 right now and of course SID is only half-way finished. So, HUGE thank you to her for that. And also thank you to: Finelame86, captain ty, EllieMayy, Dean's Leather Jacket, and BrokenAngel1753 for reviewing for chapter 25. They were all greatly appreciate and I hope I didn't miss anyone in replying to their comments. Oh and a really big thank you to captain ty because of course she's the one who's put up with me the whole way through this story as well as the extremely slow start for the next story I'm working on as of right now. Check out my profile for my details and story updates.
The usual disclaimer applies. I mean no disrespect towards the real men on which this story is based. I only my OCs and the original plot of this fic.