Chapter twenty five - Were everything is possible
Gerard's POV
The shower felt soothing on my body. I closed my eyes, letting the hot water wrap around my shaking frame, still trembling from the hurt in my stomach. I focused on rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, before I stepped out wrapping a big towel around me. I smiled at the sensation and calmness it gave me. It was my favorite piece of fabric ever made, the green worn-down towel.
After pulling on some clean clothes and grabbing my coffee, I headed upstairs to let the boys know that I was leaving.
I knocked on the door three times, waited patiently a few minutes between each one, before I slowly opened it. I almost ran to get the camera when I saw the two lovebirds wrapped up into a hug underneath the duvet. I sighed happily and thanked god that Mikey had found someone to be with other then just me. It wasn't healthy to just be around a sick person all the time. He was so young, he should be out there, partying and coming home drunk, and fall asleep next to the toilet after nearly puking up his stomach.
But don't get me wrong, I was really happy that Mikey were more of the mature type. But sometimes I kept wondering what our lives would have been if it was normal, like it was supposed to be. Living with our parents in a healthy and safe environment. When I was younger, the thoughts were haunting me every day, every hour, almost every second. But as we became older, and I reached the legal age, we were able to settle down into this house and live a more normal life. And it was a great feeling, living a normal life.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, not wanting to wake both of them up. I leaned down to Mikey's ear and placed my hand on his shoulder.
"Mikey?" I whispered in his ear. He shifted under my touch, nuzzling against my hand.
"Mhm?" He half moaned in sleep.
"I'm going out for a few hours, will be back later. Ok? There is coffee downstairs and I have my phone with me, so just call if you guys need anything."
"Ok, Gee. Love you, be safe." His eyes were still closed, his small body safely tucked under the blankets. I couldn't help but smile by his cuteness and I leaned down to kiss his forehead.
"Love you too, Mikes."
The car ride to the hospital didn't take long, and it was a familiar rode, which I had taken, loads of times. In my car or in an ambulance.
My mind kept wandering back to the conversation with Dr. Santiago earlier. 'What could be so important that I had to come by on a saturday?' kept popping up. I tried to shrug them away and not think about it, but how could I not? And the more I thought about it, the more scared I got. I hit my head with my fist, trying to beat the stream away. It didn't work, and as I pulled onto the parking lot at the hospital, my heart was racing a hundred miles per hour. I could almost feel my blood rushing through my system. A deep breath emerged from my lungs, trying to keep myself calm as the electric doors opened up for me.
"Here goes." I mumbled to no one in particularly.
I was used to the amount of delays, so I didn't expect to come in right away, but as my gaze went down to my watch, and I noticed it was 9.59 am, as a nurse came out and called me in. She was in her mid 50's, just barely hovering 5 feet over the ground. Her name was Claire, and she was the head nurse of the cancer department. I smiled at her, remembering how she took care of me the first time I was in here.
It was so quiet in the hall, just our shoes making clacking noises against the floor. The walls were white, plain sterile white, just the color I loved most in the world.. I sighed and used the palm of my hand to rub my eyes.
"So, how are you feeling, Gerard?" She watched me over her shoulder, leading me towards a door, which I recognized as my doctors.
"I'm good, just a bit tired, that's all. Late night yesterday." I gave her a half-hearted smile when she knocked and got a faint "come in!" She patted my shoulder, and guided me in.
"Go on, sweetie." I grabbed the chair in front or Dr. Santiago's desk and slowly made me way down on it. My stomach was still aching, and my movements were adapting the not so lovable hurt.
"Hi, Gerard!" He smiled at me and shook my hand.
"Hi!" We smiled politely at each other, and I was hoping that this didn't have to take long. We stayed that way for a few seconds, just smiling and looking at one another. I soon got a bit inpatient though, and asked him what had been on my mind since he woke me up that morning.
"Well, Gerard, the last time you were here, before you went home, we just took a blood sample and a bone marrow sample to check up on the leukemia."
'Oh god, how I hated that word.' I nodded, crossing my fingers under the desk.
"We got the results, and.." Dr. Santiago reached up and massaged his temple, looking down into nothing. He took a deep breath before he continued, looking me straight into the eyes.
"Gerard, it's not an easy way to say this, and I really wish that I had some different news to give you, but.."
'Oh no, I'm gonna..'
"I'm so sorry, but it had spread. At this point it's out of control, and I'm really sorry, but there is nothing more that we can do. We can start a treatment now that can give you more weeks or days, but eventually you will die."
'Die', the word hit me as a punch in the stomach. He could have just hit me in the head with a frying pan and then throw me of the building, that would have hurt less then the news he flashed me right now.
"You mean that I'm gonna die soon? How long do I have left?" I kept looking into his blue eyes, I saw the sorrow reflecting from my eyes to his.
"It's really hard to say, but I would say that we talk about months here Gerard. And probably not more than 6 months."
'6 months.' Fuck my life, literally fuck it. I was so sick and tired of this, having to fight to stay alive, and then having someone tell you that your are gonna be dead in the next few months? It wasn't fair.
I started to cry. Big tears rolled down my checks, leaving a wet trail down onto my t-shirt.
"If you want to talk to someone, we have a really good support team here at the hospital. I can hook you up?" I nodded in approval, not really thinking too much about it. My body felt numb and all I wanted to do was just go home, climb into bed and cry my heart out.
"This sucks.." I looked at Dr. Santiago again with watering eyes.
"I know, I just wish that we could do more, that someone had a cure for cancer. But I haven't give up just yet, I'm gonna do some research and read about other people in your situation. So don't give up just yet, Gerard. Ok?"
"Ok." I gave him a weak smile and a nod. I slowly lifted my body up from the chair, motioning that I wanted to leave.
"Is it ok for you to start the treatment on tuesday at 11 am?"
"Yeah, of course." He nodded and typed the appointment at his computer.
"So, I'm gonna send you a letter with the information about it, and if there is anything you are curious or want to know, just give me a call."
"Ok, thank you." I started to walk towards the door, eager to get out of there.
"You welcome. I'll see you on tuesday! Bye!"
"Bye!" I opened the door, and almost ran out to my car, bumping into people on my way and losing my key on the ground three times before I finally managed to push the door open and get into the driver seat. Once inside I felt the panic rise in my body, starting from my toes, going through my stomach, making me feel sick, upwards past my lungs, getting the feeling that I was nearly drowning, and going up to my head, making my mind go nuts. I hyperventilated and cried my guts out, letting the panic consume me into its world of fear and stress. I was sobbing like a five year old getting lost in the woods, the only difference was that I was lost in life.
My body started to tremble and I lost control of it for every second. It was the most hateful feeling I had ever had, but I couldn't stop it. I started to rock back and forth in the car, sobbing hysterical, when I heard the car door open and two strong arms grabbed me. I got scared for just a millisecond, the only thing that was missing, me getting robbed and killed in my car. Or maybe that was a good thing?
But I didn't get the chance to think about it further, because the two arms that was holding med tight had a soothing, dark voice belonging to it.
"Just cry it out, I've got you. You are safe with me." I leaned into the stranger's shoulders, making not just mine, but also his t-shirts a wet spot from my tears. His arms felt so safe and big around my small and trembling body. I was shaking with all of the emotions, but he kept hugging me, letting me feel safe for know. He managed to lift me up and place me on his lap, and even though it was awkward to sit like that in the small space, we managed to get comfortable. And we sat like that for what felt like hours, my sobbing going down bit by bit, only to be replaced by a slow and steady breathing. I started to become curious about my savior, so I let my gaze wander up to his face.
He was looking down at me, smiling with a set of amazing brown eyes. And his hair, it was dark brown, long and just so fuzzy! I couldn't help but giggle.
"Your hair, wow, its just.." He laughed and smiled, showing of his white teeth.
"I know, it's kinda wild and out there, but I tried to straighten it once and it looked like hell." My hand found it's was to his head, even before I asked.
"Can I.. Like.. Touch it?" I let my hand roam through it, smiling at how soft it was. Almost like a sheep's wool.
"You are kinda already doing it, so go ahead." I withdrew my hand fast and blushed.
"Sorry."
"No, don't be! You are not the first one, and.. Your touch felt nice." Now it was his turn to blush, before his face turned into a thinking one.
"But, can I ask why what's wrong? You were almost falling apart out here."
"Oh that, I was just.. Ehm.. Just.. You know.." The blood was rushing up to my cheeks as I scratched my head furiously.
"Hey, you don't have to tell me. We kinda don't know each other." He laughed after his statement, his hair falling into his eyes. I suddenly realized that I was sitting in his lap, so I jumped to my feet and looked down at him who had a puzzled face.
"I.. I'm sorry. Your legs must be hurting." I was still scratching the back of my head, looking down on my shoes. He pushed himself up, and I noticed that he was quite tall. Probably around 6 feet tall.
"It's ok, you are actually not that heavy."
"Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment. And I better get going." I took a step forward, losing my balance for a moment, just to have the feeling of his hands wrapped around my shoulders, helping me stand up.
"Are you sure you wanna drive in your state? I don't mean to be rude or anything, but you look really tired. Maybe I should drive you home? Were do you live?" It got more difficult so stand up, and my stomach made a hop and a string of pain shot through me. My arms wrapped around it protectively, letting out a moan. He looked down in my eyes, worry written on his face.
"Are you ok? Is something wrong?"
"Could you maybe, I don't know, get me home? I don't feel so good." He started to lead me towards the passenger site.
"Sure I can."
I guided him to my house, not caring if I didn't knew this guy, I just wanted to get back into my bed and snuggle up, breathing the pain away. Both physical and mental.
"I'm Ray by the way, Ray Toro." His eyes met mine for a brief second, before he looked at the rode again.
"I'm Gerard Way, and thank you so much for helping me out. You are right, I don't feel so good. I just wanna get in my bed again." I coughed and squeezed my belly tighter from the intense pain.
"Do you want me to help you inside?" He had parked the car and came over to my side, taking a hold around my waits to help me up.
"Do you want to? I don't feel like walking alone, my legs are way to wobbly." He still had the keys in his hand, so he unlocked the front door and nearly lifted me inside. We took our time getting me down the narrow steps down to my room in the basement, both Mikey and Frank was still asleep in their bedroom, and I was sort of relieved by that. Mikey knew me to well, he would never believe me if I said that everything was alright.
"Here we are then!" Ray gently placed me down on my bed.
"Thank you so much, you are a saving angel!" I smiled at him, letting my teeth show.
"You're welcome, I love to help people." We had a silent moment after that, not really knowing what to say to each other. But it wasn't one of those awkward ones, just a peaceful silence wrapping both of us up in a comforting zone. I released my arm from around my stomach, a really big mistake.
The pain shot through me like daggers, and I screamed out. Ray was there right away, taking me into a hug.
"Gerard, were are you hurting?" I groaned my answer to him.
"Oh god, my stomach."
"Do you want me to drive you back to the hospital?" He sounded really concerned, and nobody could blame him. My outburst was quite scary for me as well.
"No no, if you could just give me two of those pills on my nightstand? And there is a bottle of water next to it." It didn't take long before the pills slid down my throat, and after just 10 minutes the pain were slowly going away. Ray was still holding me tight, giving me the impression that he wasn't gonna let me go before I was all safe.
"Feeling better?"
"Yes, much better." His hand touched my forehead, and stayed there for a few seconds.
"You are really hot, do you want me to get something for you?" I shook my head and looked up at him.
"If you could, because the pills makes me really drowsy and my body feels like it weighs 1000 pounds, so could you like, get me out of these clothes?" I tried to focus my eyes on his face, but it was to hard, sleep coming over me.
"Of course I can." He gently laid me down on the bed, and started to unbutton my jeans, slipping them down my skinny hips and of my legs.
It felt odd having a complete stranger undressing me, but something about Ray was so different. Almost like we had known each other for years. He even found my favorite t-shirt in my drawer, pulling of my hoodie, and slipping the cool fabric onto my skin. His touch felt nice on my skin, making me want more at one point. He wrapped me up in my blankets, making sure my pillow was nicely tucked under my head.
"I can write you a note with my number on it, if you need something?" He turned around, heading for my desk to find some paper. I felt a sudden urge running through my body.
I couldn't let him go, not yet.
"Please, stay with me?" It sounded hoarse from my throat, but it made him turn around on the spot.
"What?" His voice was so gentle it made my heart blush.
"Please.. Stay? Will you?" He nodded and made his way to the bed again.
"Can you hold me? Till I fall asleep?" He smiled and slowly took his jeans of, making himself more comfortable under the hot duvet.
I sighed when with happiness when I felt his arms wrap around my body. He was so warm against my skin, and even though there were two layers of clothing and flesh keeping our heart apart, I could feel his steady rhythm.
"Thank you."
"It' my pleasure." He stroked my back, and I could feel my eyes shutter close with each stroke up and down. I smiled before my head went into a state full of dreams were everything is possible.