"Where are you going?" Nellie calls after me. She's the only one who saw me nearly run out of the gym. I don't slow down at her words, she takes this as a hint to speed up and chase me. Can't she take a damn hint that I'm trying to get away.
"I need to go." I call behind me trying to find the exit. It's too fucking dark in here! I thrash around trying to find an exit door.
"What's wrong?" She asks, jogging up to me. I sigh, I really don't want to say. Not because I don't want anybody to know about me and Michael. Because I just can't be here anymore. I can't. Everything is moving too fast.
"I just, I need to go." I answer again and finally spot a glowing green light marking an exit. I run to it and let the sunlight shine into the old building. I don't expect her to follow me outside, but she does.
"What are you stalking me now!" I yell back at her trying to scare her off. Can't she just see I don't want to see anyone right now? She stops a few feet from me and just stares at me, like I'm an animal that might attack her.
"Something's wrong." She says still keeping a distance form me. "How much have you had to drink?" Something about that sets me off.
"I'm not drunk!" I yell but I wince and try to calm myself. I'm lashing out at her and I shouldn't be. "I just…I can't be here anymore alright?"
"Let me drive you at least." She offers.
"I'm not fucking drunk okay?" I almost yell again but I manage to hold my composure.
"I know. I just want to take you home okay?" she asks still keeping a safe distance from me. She carefully takes my hand and pulls me to her Camry. I let her, I've just now realized that I would have to walk home if I didn't. Then it dawns on me that I'm only about a mile away though. I let her take me though.
"So why do you need to leave?" Nellie asks as we leave the parking lot. Memories, painful thoughts of Michael hit me with a bang. Michael standing there, with his heart on his sleeve, and me just standing there, trying to understand what is happening. Michael wants to be out, we've just got to a better place and already he wants to be open about it. Open before I'm even sure I need to come out. I still have no idea what I am, who I love, I'm not even close to deciphering all of my feelings for Michael.
It's too fast, it's all happening too fast. Thoughts of everyone's faces staring at me while I tell them I might be gay conjure in my mind. I'm horrified as people I thought were friends suddenly look at me with disgust and hate. All because of one word. Gay.
Instead of answering Michael I just fumble backwards until I hit a corner and then take off, leaving Michael. I cringe at how Michael must feel, he must hate me. I would hate me for leaving him like that. Right after he told me how much he loves me.
"It was just…too complicated." I answer trying to block all the thoughts of Michael out of my head. If I think of his face as I ran I might just breakdown.
"It was just a party. Sorry if you didn't like it. Jeeze we were just trying to be nice." Nellie says, oblivious to my real meaning. I chuckle a little at how simple it must seem to her. How stuck up or something I must seem to her right now.
"I loved the party but I just…I needed to get home. Before my mom realized I'm gone." I lie, well partially lie. Mostly though I just couldn't bear Michael's words in my mind. I couldn't face him after I just left him hanging like that.
"Your mom seems like a hard ass." Nellie says with a grin. I sort of grin too, if only she knew how I got this bruise.
"She means well."
"But does she want you to be happy?" Nellie asks. I think back, how she didn't want me to even be friends with Michael anymore, how angry she was that I had sex. Even though I was hurting from it.
"I think she wants me to be happy. A happy little Christian boy." I say with a smile.
"If only she knew half the things we do." I nod. She would no doubt be horrified. I can't even play modern music around her, or she might go mental on me.
We pull up to my house and suddenly I dread my decision to come back. If my mom figured out I left…shit, this wasn't a good idea. Nellie seems to see my hesitation.
"Scared to see the dragon lady?"
"Terrified." I turn and laugh. As I look at Nellie a thought crosses in my mind. My mom wanted me to find a nice girl. Nellie is great, and this could be my chance to figure out if I was gay or not.
Acting on instinct I lean over and kiss Nellie. Suddenly I feel that happy feeling spread across my body. It's a nice kiss sweet, like honey. But not as intense as when I kiss Michael. But that fire still starts in my stomach, wanting more kisses. Wanting to be closer to Nellie.
I deny the beast though and pull away from Nellie who is now blushing scarlet. I'm burning up too and I can't help but look at the ground.
"What was that?" Nellie asks with a grin now on her face. I shrug.
"A test." I answer.
"Did I pass?" she asks with a laugh. She probably wouldn't if she knew what I was testing.
"I don't know. Maybe." I admit. I thought that maybe it would clear things up. It would set me straight as gay or straight. But I still enjoyed the kiss with Nellie, almost as much as Michael's. Now I'm only left with more questions than answers.
I manage to make it back into my house without my mom spotting me. I see my dad though and thank him for having my friends kidnap me. I love my dad. He'll always look out for me. If I ever were to come out as gay, I'd come out to him first. But then I think of my mom's reaction and involuntarily shudder.
When I reach my room I collapse onto my bed, exhausted from the events of today. Michael's explanation…hit me somewhere. It emerged feelings inside me that were overwhelming. And pushing me to come out, before I even know what I am myself is too far. Too far, too fast. Maybe I'm not even gay. Maybe it's just hormones or something and I don't really like Michael. Or maybe I'm being a pussy again.
It's too much. It's too much to think about. I close my eyes and relive Michael's speech again. He remembered that from so many years ago, I didn't think much of it back then. I thought I was being a good friend. I was helping a friend. But did I somehow give Michael the impression that I was gay back then? I don't think so, or did Michael just come to his realization of love on his own.
Why? Why did he have to love me? Why did he have to go and kiss me? Why did he have to infect my thoughts? My dreams? My everywhere? Why do I keep thinking about him?
Something buzzes and relieves me from my inner turmoil. I look at my phone and see Michael's picture, a picture we took together not too long ago. Just us smiling, did he love me back then? He must have, but was he obsessing over it like I am now?
I don't pick up. I let it ring, over and over until it just stops. I can't face him, not after I ran like that. A part of me doesn't ever want to see him again, and yet another part wants to pick up and apologize profusely. I can't handle these mixed feelings anymore.
The phone starts to buzz again but I just set it on my chest. I take comfort in the buzz. If he's calling at least he doesn't completely hate me. Some part of him must still care, even though I don't deserve it. So I let the phone buzz until it inevitably stops. Then it just starts buzzing again, over and over again.