Author's note!: Okay, so I changed the story title, and I know, indecisive much? Well yes, I am. I *hated* the title, but I didn't have anything better to call then, then I was rereading, and realized the theme of the fic was the title i was looking for, funny how that works, no? Anyways, here's chapter 26, and I must say, aside from 22, this might be my favorite one! Enjoy!
Oh and Murphy's little bubble trick, Norman Reedus did it in Blade ll, and it was just too bad ass for me to not put in here...the things that man can do with cigarette smoke...
Disclaimer!: No ownage of the BDS!
Thank you!: To everyone who's reviewed so far, I thank you! and a special thanks to SunlitMercy, for helping me develop Murphy's new best friend!
Chapter Twenty Six: And You Shall Have The Protection Of All The Angels
*Murphy*
It had been on and off for the last two hours.
First hour, off. I only stared at the amber liquid in the glass in front of me.
Second hour, on. I drank shot after shot, after shot. Anything to get the voice in my head to shut the fuck up for a while. She wouldn't leave me alone.
"I'm Blaine, by the way" She told me, playing with the pen.
"Murphy" I gave her mine. She nodded. A smile crossing her face.
"Alright Murphy, let's do this stupid paperwork!"
This hour, it was off again. I stared at the dark liquid once more, unable to swallow anymore, yet unwilling to leave. I just wanted things to stay the same for a little while. Just a little while. But nothing had been the same for a long time.
Not since St. Patrick's. after that, there was no stability.
We became killers of evil men, we took down an entire room of people in under three seconds, and we got out unharmed. We took Rocco in. we were untouchable. Then, the evil men killed Rocco. We had a justified reason to go after these men.
Then Il Duce shows the hell up. That's who he is to me. Il Duce, the duke, that's him. He's not Da. He doesn't get to show up and be Da. I'm not like Connor, I can't be as welcoming as he is. Il Duce is a fucking stranger, and he shows up, after trying to kill us, he creates this hierarchy that we're all of a sudden supposed to follow. Like we owe him or some other shit. Like he matters. But because Connor is a good man, Connor follows the rules. He hates avoidable consequences.
I thrive off of them.
"Hey hon? That beer's not going to drink itself." the same feminine voice I had been hearing behind the bar all night came back. I had yet to look up since I got here. I was pretty beat to shit, and this wasn't McGinty's. I actually hadn't been to this bar before. I didn't want to answer questions.
"Hon?"
Persistent little barmaid, I'd give her that. "What ye want lass?"
"Hey hey! A bogtrotter, well, now I really am in Boston." her tone became mocking. I bristled, an looked up at her. My retort died on my tongue.
"Yer hair's fuckin' pink."
"Good job. You know your colors. Your mom must be so proud."
"Proud isn't at the top of the list."
"Hey hey! My mom hates me too." She smiled and leaned against the bar, showing of her rather impressive rack. "So tell me, what's got you down there Shamrocker?"
"Ye a fuckin' Brit or something?" I growled.
"Worse. Canadian." She smirked. "And I've been a bartender long enough to know that if an Irishman is wasting his time starting at a drink, there's something wrong." She reached over and drowned my beer.
"What the fuck?"
"Oh worse then I thought." She winced as she set the glass down. "That was almost room temperature. Isn't that a cardinal sin for your people?"
"Fuck off."
"So what's got you down kid? Same person who beat you up?"
"Nope."
"So, is it girl trouble, or family trouble? Or maybe even work trouble?"
"My trouble right now is an annoying little bar wench, who won't leave me da fuck alone."
"Huh. Sounds like a bitch. Did you know the best way to get rid of a bitch is to give them what they want?"
"Don't think I should enable da bitch."
"You don't have the patience to wait me out."
"Ye don't fuckin' know me."
"I am trying to get to know you, but you just won't budge there. So you talk, or I stay."
"Pour me another fuckin' drink." I muttered. She poured three.
"So ready to talk now TaterSucker?"
"Yer not a people person, are ye?"
"Just tell me what's wrong."
I took two of the three shots. "Work, family."
"Them's the pits brother. What else?"
"Makes you think there's something else?"
"You didn't take the third shot."
"Who da fuck are ye?"
"My name is Angel, and you are?"
"Murphy."
"Of course it is." she rolled her eyes. "So, what's the other shot for."
"This shot," I slurred, "Is for the death of my faith. Here's ta a dead God." I drained the thing. Angel frowned.
"No need to blame God. You know, people never thank him when things are good, but when things go bad, everything is his fault. That's not fair."
"I don't call upon God only when I need him. I'm a regular in the worship department. But he fucked me over real good this time."
"Isn't that a rosary around your neck?" she pointed toward the beads showing from under Tina's hoodie. "Mary on your neck? Doesn't sound like a man as devout as you would be thinking such things."
"No other way to put it."
"What's happened that got you so down?"
"Me little sister died."
"Fuck you both." Blaine responded, grouchy faced as anything.
"Yer just a right ray of sunshine in da morning aincha?" Connor asked her. She growled.
"No coffee, you don't get happy-sugar cubes-sunshiney-rainbow-Blaine. You get fuck-with-me-and-I-cut-you-Blaine."
God lass, leave me be!
"Oh." the bar wench grew softer for a few minutes.
"Aye. So I can say dat God sent me a big 'fuck you' in the last few days."
"I think you're being stupid. God doesn't will misfortune on people. The devil does."
"Don't ye be cryin' 'Devil' in Massachusetts. Bad fuckin' things happen. Or don't dey teach ye about dat in Canada?"
"God didn't cause it."
"Sure as fuck didn't stop it."
"What did you expect him to do? Drop out of the sky?"
"Just fuckin' forget it. Ye wouldn't understand."
Expect him to drop out of the sky? No. Course not. I expected not to lose everything I knew in the span of three days. That's what I fucking expected. I expected the innocent to live, and the evil do die. That's what I expected.
"Hon-"
"Pour another fuckin' drink, would ye?"
"I think you might wanna lay off the hard stuff."
"Why's dat?"
"Drinking and drama don't mash well."
"I can't keep fuckin' feeling this shit anymore. Jus' pour would ye?"
"So, Shamrocker-"
"Ye already called me that."
"I know. But I like that one. Anyways, Shamrocker, there someone I can call for you? Someone to come get you?"
Oh shit. Connor's probably pissed beyond belief at me. Probably should've left a note or something.
"Nah. Me family's not exactly solid right now. I'm just hiding out."
"You'll have to go home sometime."
"Aye. Well, not anytime soon." I reached into Tina's pocket and pulled out another smoke. Looks like I'd have to buy the lass a new pack. "So, why not throw another round on the table, and leave me ta my vices huh?"
"I'm sorry about your sister."
"Aye. She didn't deserve ta die. But then again, no one gets what the deserve. Right? That's society's fatal flaw. The weak of heart live, while the strong of heart die off. That's how we work."
"We don't work. Fate works for us, we really have no control."
"Fuck fate. Fate is this fucked up conception that you can do whatever the hell you want on the basis of 'it was going to happen anyways'. Fate is just another way to sin."
"You can't believe that, fate is something constant. Ask anyone, there's things that happen to us, that we don't understand. That would be fate. Isn't that what it says in the bible? Everything happens for a reason."
"Death of an 18 year old is justified den?"
"No, but it didn't happen just because. There is that it happened. You just might not know it yet."
"She was a good person. There is no reason on this planet that justifies it."
"You're too stubborn to look past the obvious?" Angel sighed. I blew smoke toward her. She snatched the cigarette, and blew rings back at me. Not one to ever be undone, I lit another, and blew my smoke into a bubble using my saliva.
"Yer turn." I smirked as the bubble popped.
"Oh, that was hot."
"Aye, easy way to pick up chicks." I smirked. "Now, either pour me a drink, or go bother another drunk."
.:.
"Hey Murphy, are you busy?"
"Jus' watching over me brother lass." I answered, gesturing to Connor's sleeping form on the hospital bed. Two days, and no sign of life from him yet.
"Feel like a break?" Blaine smiled at me, and I raised my eyebrow.
"What'd ye have in mind?"
"Follow me."
So I did, and she lead me to a supply closet, with a baby faced doctor at the door. "Hey Doc, got what I asked for?" She smiled as she walked up. The doctor nodded.
"Here you go, but remember, anyone asked, I ain't sneaking you this shit." He smiled, then continued on his way.
"What da fuck is that?" I asked her as we walked away, back towards the elevator. She grinned wide at me.
"Bubble wrap, my good man."
"What da fuck are ye doin wit dat?"
"You'll see." She winked. I followed her across that damn hospital, until we stood outside of the Pediatric Oncology ward. I lifted an eyebrow.
"Come on." She grabbed my wrist and lead me deeper into the ward. My heart broke maybe six or seven times over as we walked. These kids were so fuckin' little.
Finally, we reached a room that held maybe four kids in it. Two girls and two boys. The boys had giant Bruins caps over their heads, and the girls had sparkly pink scarves.
"Blaine!"
"Hey guys." She smiled at the group. "This is my friend Murphy."
"Hi Murphy." One of the girls smiled at me.
"Nice ta meet ye Gayla." I smiled and shook her hand. The boy giggled.
"He talks funny."
Blaine snickered. "Right? He's so weird." She pointed to the two boys. "So Murph. That's Trevor, and Dylan. Then these two are Sarah and Bailey."
"What'd you bring us Blaine?" Dylan asked, bouncing up and down.
"I brought you bubble wrap." She grinned at them. "Sorry it's kind of lame, but I'll bet I could scrounge up a pack of cards if we get bored enough."
"Yeah!"
I spent the next half hour on bubble wrap teams. Boys vs. Girls. Me, Dylan and Trevor did a darn good job, but that little Bailey was quicker then anything. "Ha!" Bailey cried as she popped hr last bubble. "We win! Girls rule and boys drool!"
"I most certainly do not drool!" I defended myself. Blaine laughed.
"Losers get the cards Murphy." She winked at me. "Go ask one of the nurses, tell her room 405 needs them."
So I walked over to the nurse's desk to ask for the cards. A pretty lass with gold hair handed me the back. "I've never seen you here before. You a volunteer?"
"Nah, I'm with a friend."
"Blaine?" I nodded. "What's she bring them this time?" she asked with a chuckle.
"Bubble wrap."
"Well, that's impressive."
I walked back with the cards, and lost maybe four to five games of crazy 8's. Dylan dominated that game. After that, Blaine told me she'd be right back, and she left with the two little girls. I sat in between Dylan and Trevor.
"Wanna know a secret Murphy?" Trevor smiled.
"Lay it on me."
"I have a crush on Blaine." he giggled.
"Awh, I'll bet she's got a crush on ye too."
"I hope so. She's pretty. She say she's sick too. But not sick like us, a different kind of sick."
"She's getting better." I answered him. "Just like you."
"When I get better. I'm going to ask her out." he grinned, showing off his gapped smiled.
"I'll bet she says yes."
After another hour or two, the nurse kicked me and Blaine out of room 405, and she walked me back to Connor's room. "Yer a good lass."
"Huh?"
"For doin' that. Yer a good lass."
"Nah." She shook her head. "Their parents work, so they get bored. My parents never come see me either. So we hang out. They're only six, so they get bored. Fills my void too."
"Ah. Well, still."
"Thanks for coming with me, not a lot of people can handle that."
"It was the most fun I've had in a few days." I smirked at her. "Trevor's got himself a crush on ye."
"Really?"
"Aye. A massive one. He plans on asking ye out once he gets better."
"Oh wow." She smiled. "I'm flattered, but I'm nowhere near his league. He deserves much better."
"'Last call I taunt, throw your faces off the bar.'" Angel sang at me. My every cell felt weighed down by cement. "'Go to church 'cuz you need a good cleansing of body mind and soul.'"
The memory was still fresh in my mind, and it hurt to even think about. God, I couldn't believe she was dead.
"Shut da hell up." I murmured. She only sniggered.
"Sorry there Paddy, but I'm serious about last call, I'm closing up shop, you need to get your ass elsewhere."
"Aye?" I lifted my head from the bar. Angel and her pink head were the only ones besides me in the bar. "What fuckin' time is it?"
"We're reaching the two am mark. Bed time for me. So, is there anyone you want me to call?"
"Nah. I can get home on me own."
"You sure? You're pretty far gone."
"Aye, well, I'm a big boy. I'll be alrigh'" I could hear the slur in my words. Angel placed her hand over mine. I looked up at her.
"You'll be okay. God will take care of you. I promise."
"He fucked me."
"No he didn't love. Just trust me. God will take care of you. Everything you feel now, he'll help you deal with. He'll protect you. He protects the saintly." She grinned coyly at me. My eyes cut to her.
"Da fuck's dat mean?"
"You don't recognize me? Remember that girl getting beat down by her boyfriend in that alley a few months ago? Then you and the other guy stopped him?" She waved at me.
"Get your hands off me!" echoed through the alley. Connor and me were immediately on edge. We made our way quietly down an alley, and saw a thick looking man, gripping a red headed girl by the wrist. She was pulling away and had tears in her eyes.
"'Ow dare you talk to me like that! Some one ought to teach you to 'ave some respect!" the thick man growled, his British brogue shocking us. This was an Irish neighborhood after all. Connor and me approached the couple.
"Doesn't seem like she wants ta be talkin ta ye mate." I spat. The girl smiled at us gratefully. The man, not so much. He glared at us.
"What do you care?" he asked. "This doesn't concern you. If I want to do this-" he raised his hand and smacked the girl.
He didn't have time to finish his sentence, me and Connor attacked him, throwing him to the ground. The girl was pushed back a few steps, and she just stared at us. Connor met her gaze.
"Lass, if I were ye, I'd run." he smiled at her.
"Huh, ye had red hair den."
"Yeah, I like to change that." She answered. "Not a lot of people would do what you and your friend did, you did something very, very good. The world needs more people like you, so I know that God won't let the few like you hurt alone. You'll have him Paddy. I promise."
I stared at Angel a few minutes more before I finally stood up. "Thank ye Angel, who knows, ye may just be right."
"I am right." She winked at me. "Get home safe Murphy."
"I will," I answered. "But first, I'm going ta take yer advice."
"What advice?"
I only lit another cigarette, and stumbled out of the bar.
.:.
Bring him back to me God, I prayed fervently in the small hospital chapel. Bring my brother back.
I finally crossed myself, and leaned back in the pew, facing the crucifix. Blaine sat next to me, she was staring intently at Christ. "Hey Murphy?"
"Aye?"
"You believe in Heaven right?"
"Aye, a'course I do."
"So you believe in Hell too."
"Can't have one without da other."
"Do you think Hell is as bad as people think?" she whispered. I shrugged.
"It's supposedly eternal damnation right? I doubt it's fun."
"And if you do bad things, you go there?"
"Well, ye have ta do really, really bad things. Stealing money from yer Ma's purse hardly counts."
"What about murder?" She never took her eyes off the cross. I swallowed hard.
"What are ye talkin' about?"
"Just murder, that's an automatic ticket to Hell, isn't it?"
"Aye. I suppose it is." I finally answered. She sighed.
"I thought as much."
"Who'd ye kill lass?" I asked, trying to figure out what she was talking about. She only tugged on her sleeve.
"I didn't kill, but I tried."
"Talkin' about ye?" I asked. She didn't answer. She just continued to stare up at the cross. "It's not a sin."
"How is that not a sin?"
"A human in their right mind can't do it. They can't make themselves do it. It's not a sin."
"But I didn't do it." her voice cracked a little as she answered. "So does that mean I was in my right mind? Does that make it a sin?"
"I-I don't know." I finally admitted. She nodded and leaned foreword a little.
"Hey Murphy,"
"Aye?"
"Do you think Heaven would even take me? I'm damaged goods."
Christ, she was in my head tonight, and nothing I could do would make her leave. I leaned against the door of the church. It was locked for the night, so this was the best I could do. I was taking Angel's advice.
Getting a good cleansing of body, mind and soul.
I gripped my rosary the best I could in my left hand, the worn wood felt almost foreign in that hand, it didn't fit the way it did in my right hand. I had gone through almost two decades of the rosary so far, trading the traditional rosary for my own.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry
I had to apologize for everything. For Roc, for Blaine, for Connor, for Tina, for Mika, for Smecker, For Dolly, Duffy and Greenly. For the dead we couldn't save, and for the men we were going to kill. For the pain caused by the Saints, and for the pain we hadn't been able to stop.
Everything.
"Yer a right bastard ye know dat!"
I looked up from my prayer, and saw Connor standing at the bottom of the stairs. I winced.
"Ye don't get ta just fuckin' leave the hospital! Ye don't get to fuckin' walk out and not tell anyone where the fuck you were! Jesus Christ Murph! We thought someone had fuckin' taken ye! Instead, I find ye on da piss on some church steps! Are ye fuckin' retarded!" He was fucking livid. Fists clenched at his side, probably to avoid punching the shit out of me. "How the fuck could ye do that!"
"I'm sorry."
"Yer fuckin' sorry? Dat all ye got? Ye scared da fuckin' hell out of me!"
"I'm fuckin' sorry! Damnnit! I'm so fuckin' sorry!" I growled, leaning off the door.
"Why da hell did ye run off in da first place!"
"I couldn't be in dat fuckin' hospital." I replied. Connor hopped up the stairs, and sat down next to me.
"Why not?"
"Ye fuckin' know why. Da lass was there." I answered. Connor nodded slowly.
"Did it get better?"
"Fuck no. I got chewed out by an racist Angel, who we ended up saving a while back, and she gave me better spiritual advice den I've had in a long while. Den I came here. She's everywhere. She's in me fuckin' head. I want her out."
"Murph-"
"I fuckin' want her gone. I want her back, I want her to be here." I growled and leaned my head against the door. "I want it ta fuckin' stop hurting. I want ta not have to apologize ta her Ma and her Da. They've lost two fuckin' kids man. Two. I want to not feel guilty."
"Murphy, ye didn't kill her-"
"Ye feel as guilty as I do, don't even fuckin' big brother me with dis shit! Don't even pretend ye ain't as sorry as I am. Don't pretend ye don't blame yerself. And don't pretend yer looking at this logically. Don't tell me ye don't feel like cryin' like a fuckin' woman. Ain't just her either. Rocco man, Roc and her, they shouldn't be dead. Roc was as innocent as he could be, given the situation. Blaine even more so. So what the fuck do ye propose I do here, almighty older brother." I spat.
I hurt him, I could tell, for a millisecond, it flashed across his face, but because he was much better at the big brother thing, he let it go. "She's better now Murphy. Much better."
Do you think Heaven would even take me? I'm damaged goods.
"God, I fuckin' hope so." I mumbled. Connor threw his arm around me, and I leaned into him. Contact. I needed the contact.
I did hope he was right, I hope God welcomed Blaine in with open arms, and gave her a pat on the back. She was a good lass. A very good lass. She was just so sick, so fucking diluted in her point of view. She just wanted to make everyone else's pain go away.
At what cost though? She was dead, and she didn't deserve to be. Did she hate us for it? No friendship is worth being killed. Not alone, not for something you didn't do. She might hate us for it.
She might blame us. She had every right to blame us. It was her life, and we had thrown it away like it was nothing. We hadn't taken care of our lass. We let the enemy get to close.
The lamb got slaughtered for the wolf's actions.
Connor and I sat on the steps of that church for a long time, each of us on our own train of thought, while at the same time, it was the same train of thought.
We were beaten, broken and used. We had been knocked down, for the second time, with a river of blood to prove the point.
"Connor?" I mumbled.
"Aye?"
"Ye still believe in Heaven right?"
"Aye. A'course I do."
"Connor?"
"Aye?"
"Do ye think we'll ever get to see it?"
Connor's face was unreadable, but his eyes displayed doubt, and hope at the same time. He tightened the arm around my shoulder. The look on his face was the same as my thoughts. Why should we get too? We don't deserve it
"I fuckin' hope so man. I really do."
So, review for the cutest twin brothers ever? :] Thanks!