10.13.13
Time
I went looking for your journal. It wasn't an easy thing to find but I did it. I finally read everything you wrote, Natsuki. It's like poetry really. I'm ashamed to write in here after you've recorded so many of your beautiful muses... your thoughts. It's been a week since then, and I've got no one to talk to. No one to hear my words, or understand them. Back on the pier when Ace shot you I knew it was it. I saw it in your eyes. The acceptance. Now I know what you felt when Yuki left. But you're not gone. Not yet. It's been a week since then, and I'm still sitting in the hospital. The likely hood of your emergence from the coma is slim. Your family was going to be forced to take you off of the machine because of money. This hospital is the best, and that's what they were paying for. I'm paying for it now, and it's good all the same. I still have hope for you yet. I asked Yuki for a miracle.
10.15.13
Truth
Thinking back I'm not sure what else could have happened. George Ace protected Urara, and eliminated all threats. In a military sense, his actions were flawless. As I've been taught, and how it will read in the report Ace did what was right. Don't bring personal feelings into your missions they say. I've never had a family, never had an anyone. It was alright that way. But you... you are the exception.
10.20.13
Stats
The doctors keep telling me it's hopeless, that your brain function is decreasing. They say I should just go back to work. The nurses talk and romanticize this story about me sitting with you all day. Talking to you and writing in this journal. The way they look at me is unbearable. Pity is all I see. Is there no one, no human being who can truly empathize? What I want is not sympathy.
10.30.13
Lost
You look beautiful today, like you do everyday but it's more to my liking now. The nurses let me cut your hair, it was quite the mess. Once again you match me. Do you remember when I cut your hair in India? You were so angry with me.
11.4.13
Friend
Tapioca was finally recovered from my location in South Korea. I had started to worry, but this happens a lot with our missions. She tags along, and like any other pet even if she wanders off I'm assured she'll always return. I'm not sure if it's easier with her here or not. She can see me wasting away. I sit here everyday and watch you. I talk about the life we could have had like it's going to happen. I ramble on about so many things, Natsuki. Things I didn't even know I wanted to say.
11.13.13
Waiting
It's been a month. It feels like more than that. From here on out it just gets worse they say. The doctor talks of me wasting money but I've bargained for this. George Ace is taking care of the hospital bills now. How nice it must be to send me money for what you've done. There was a time when I felt something for him, but it's all but gone now, devoured by this situation he put you in.
11.20.13
Family
Whenever your family can come visit they're always here. Usually Sakura, and Tamotsu... and occasionally your new little sibling and your fathers wife. It breaks my heart, because I think I've grown immune to this. Every time they're here someone is crying. I don't remember the last time I cried. Is it because I haven't accepted anything yet? I still believe... if Yuki saved you, why not again? Why can't he just do this one thing... I've never asked anything of him.
12.16.13
Habits
After two months I've gained some habits. Always going to the same coffee place before I come, buying a cup for myself and some tea for you. The subject of our morning drink is always the same: talking about our time together in India. You'd think after two months I'd run out of memories but no, those memories seem endlessly stretched out with your name riddled in there. Thinking about our time in India brings endless possibilities of what it could have been like to be with you. After the morning coffee I usually take off your glasses and nap in the chair I sit on most of the day. Directly following your favorite fishing show comes on, and we watch it together. Lunch is always brought up to us by one of the nurses. Another courtesy Ace has tried to extend. Everything after lunch is a blur, sometimes I talk about us, or I try to ask Yuki for help. Visiting hours end around 11pm and I always leave at 11:02pm. You always said it was alright to be fashionably late.
12.25.13
Christmas
Merry Christmas, Natsuki. You have given me the greatest gift today. Though the doctors say it's normal, you squeezed my hand as I spoke to you. I shouldn't get excited about this, because your brain activity is lower then ever. This means nothing...medically. But it meant the world for my heart.
1.1.14
New Year
It's been such a long year for me. Loosing Yuki, falling in love with you, loosing you...
I'm unsure what this year holds, but I know that whatever there is to come it will be hollow in comparison. I have lost my will to do anything. To function, and go to work even though Ace is still paying me. To cry because I should realize by now you're long gone. I can't even say goodbye because you're still breathing, because Yuki gave me hope once. I don't know how to say goodbye.
2.12.14
Done
I've arranged it... It's been a while coming but I've finally been able to. The plans are all worked out to take you off the machine. This is good for me, right? Tell me it's okay...please. I can't leave you here alone, but I can't bare the thought of coming here every day for much longer. I'm slowly loosing myself. I'm ready to cry. I'm ready to tell you goodbye.
2.21.14
A year ago
This is the first date logged in the journal. Only a day or two after we arrived in India together. Do I really smell like lavender and cinnamon? I always thought you were the one that smelled like that.
3.18.14
End
This is my last entry. Today we're taking you off the machine. They say you'll last a couple hours without it, but that will be it. I don't think I should write in here anymore, there are better ways to preserve not only your memories but my sanity. I only hope that this is okay. That this end will bring on something new. Something distracting, or something awful even. Nothing will be like this. Everything will pale in comparison. I've never been in love before, and now I truly understand. If your ghost isn't walking around like Yuki's you must be lost, you must be in limbo. You should be with him. You shouldn't be kept here by me, waiting at your bedside like some child. I love you, and that's why I'll let you go.