Chapter 26
"Reconciliation"
"Matt?" Mello could barely make his voice come out, for he felt like the breath had been knocked out of him.
Matt looked equally surprised. "Mello?"
Suddenly, Mello glared at him, his hand coming through the air and striking Matt straight across the side of the face. "You idiot!" he cried, standing up. "What do you think you were doing just then!?"
Matt stood up as well, averting Mello's gaze. His voice came out soft. "What did it look like I was doing?"
"Trying to kill yourself!? The hell, Matt!"
"Give me one reason I shouldn't," Matt replied.
"Am I really your only reason for staying alive?" Mello cried.
"What else do I have?"
"Stop relying on me, dammit! You think trying to jump off a bridge is going to make me come back to you? Stop trying to guilt trip me all the time! It's pathetic!"
"I didn't ask you to save me," Matt replied steadily.
"Yeah? Well maybe if I had known it was you, I wouldn't have!"
Matt's eyes widened, and he stared at Mello with a look equivalent to a toddler being spanked for the first time. "You don't mean that," he said softly, his voice quivering.
"Give me a reason not to," Mello retorted.
"Mello...why do you hate me?" Matt asked, his voice small and quiet. "Just tell me what I did wrong, and I'll fix it!"
"There's nothing to fix! It's over!" Mello began to walk away.
"Please, Mello!" Matt pleaded, grabbing the other boy's sleeve. "Just tell me what I did wrong!"
Mello didn't move for a minute, silently debating things in his head, Matt's hand still holding his wrist. "You didn't do anything wrong," Mello said at last, giving a defeated sigh and looking into Matt's tear-filled green eyes. "You can't help that you're a boy."
"If I could change, I would! You know I would!" Matt cried, tightening his grip on Mello's jacket. "If it meant I could be with you."
Mello gave a small laugh and wiped Matt's sopping wet hair out of his eyes. "No, Matt. I wouldn't want you to change, especially for me. You're perfect just the way you are."
"Then what do you want me to do? Please, I'll do anything!"
Mello shook his head. "There's nothing I want you to do."
"Why have you refused to see me all this time, then?" Matt demanded.
"It's a long story about how selfish and stupid I am," Mello replied. "A long story I only hope you can forgive me for."
Matt gave a small sob. "I've been prepared to forgive you for the past month."
"You're such a fool, Matt," Mello said, his own voice choked by the tears beginning to form in his eyes. "Why do you keep letting me push you around like this?"
"I don't care," Matt said, shaking his head. "Haven't you learned that by now?"
"You deserve better than me."
"Maybe I do. But I don't want better. I'll never be able to love anyone but you. Even if you reject me over and over again, I won't stop. I can't. I can't even explain it, but...I love you."
Mello sighed and looked back towards the town. "We'll get sick if we stand out here much longer. We should find a motel or something."
Matt nodded. "Alright."
Mello stepped out of the shower, drying the ends of his hair with a towel. Matt was sitting on the end of the bed, his head slightly lowered. "You always do that," he said softly. "Take a shower whenever you want to think about something."
At the other boy's voice, Mello turned towards him and sighed slightly. "I think you know me better than I know myself."
"You make your feelings obvious, yet you refuse to accept or admit them."
Shaking his head, Mello sat down beside Matt on the bed and lowered his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do anymore."
Matt reached over and placed a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder. "Well – I'll always be here."
"I know," Mello replied. "You always have."
"Mello – do you love me?" Matt asked, placing his hands on either side of Mello's face and forcing him to look in his eyes.
"How do you even have to ask that?" Mello said, his voice choking as tears filled his eyes. "Of course I do."
Matt looked deep into his eyes and brushed a strand of hair from his face. "Just tell me what you want. You – not your father."
Mello let out a small sob and squeezed Matt's hand. "I want to be with you," he said, throwing his arms around Matt's neck and burying his face in his shoulder.
Matt pulled Mello against him and wrapped him tightly in his arms, burying his face in the other boy's soft blond hair.
"That's all I've ever wanted," came Mello's muffled voice.
"Then stop doing what your father wants. I've tried not to be selfish, but I'll take you away from him myself if it comes to that."
Mello gave a small laugh. "I love you, Matt."
"I know. I love you too." He tenderly kissed the top of the other boy's head.
"What are we going to do?" Mello sobbed. "Where are we going to go?"
"I don't know," Matt admitted softly. "But it'll work out. We'll figure it out – together. I promise."
Suddenly, Mello pulled away and looked at Matt, as though realizing something. Slowly, he took Matt's hand in his own and slipped up his sleeve with shaking hands.
When he saw what was underneath, he felt fresh tears spring into his eyes.
I made Matt do this.....I made him hurt himself again.....
Matt enfolded Mello in his arms once more, as the other boy started to sob again.
"I'm so sorry...." he cried. "I-I'm so sorry.... I didn't mean any of it – anything I said to you before, about not caring, and I-I...." His voice began to shake.
"It's alright, Mello..." Matt held him tighter. "I forgive you. I don't care – I'm prepared to throw all of that aside if we can just be together again."
"Yes," Mello whispered. "That's all I want." He secured his arms around Matt and buried his face in his shirt. "I --" His voice trailed off. "Matt....How can you trust me after everything I've done to you?"
"I don't know – but I can. You're the only person I'll ever trust. I understand, Mello – I know why you are the way your are. But...it's alright, because I don't mind. I'm prepared to have you betray that trust, if that's what it takes...I'll be here whenever you need me again."
"Matt..." Mello's voice grew high again. "I don't want to treat you that way – not like you're just an outlet. You mean so much more to me than that.... I don't want to do that to you again, it isn't fair, dammit! You don't deserve the way I always treat you!"
Matt gently cupped Mello's face in his hands and forced him to look into his eyes. "Then don't," he said, softly pressing their lips together.
Mello returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Matt's neck and straddling his lap. "Matt.... If you really want me to stop, then quit being such a pushover."
"...na?"
Pulling away, Mello looked steadily into Matt's eyes. "If you want to keep me, you'll be as cruel to me as I've been to you. Whenever I start treating you that way, you have to turn it back on me, understand? That's the only way I'll ever be able to stop hurting you. Please...don't let me walk away next time."
"What exactly do you want me to do?" Matt replied.
"Whatever it takes. I don't care what you do to me." Mello leaned forward and kissed him again. Just don't hurt yourself. It isn't fair.
"I don't think I could ever hurt you, Mello. Even if you say you deserve it, I could never bring myself to do it."
"Matt, I..."
"Relationships are about getting hurt, and making up, and going through good times and bad times." Matt smiled and brushed away the tears on Mello's face. "Everything isn't always going to be perfect. But it doesn't matter what happens throughout, as long as we're together in the end."
"You mean you actually still want to be with me?" Mello said.
"Of course. I love you."
Mello gave a small smile. "I really don't understand you, Matt."
"Some things are unexplainable. My love for you is one of them." Matt smiled and kissed him again. "You're my whole world, Mello."
"Sometimes that thought scares me."
"Why is that?"
"What if something happens to me one day?"
Matt leaned close to where his mouth was against Mello's ear. "You know the answer to that," he whispered.
Almost subconsciously, Mello's arms tightened around him again. "If you live only for me, you won't have anything when I'm gone. You're too dependent on me."
"Maybe so," Matt replied. "But what else do I need?"
"Honestly...you sound more like a servant than a boyfriend."
Matt laughed. "That's the first time you've called me your boyfriend."
Mello blushed slightly. "Well what else do you want me to call you?"
"No, no – boyfriend is fine. But...does this mean we've made up?"
"I'm not the one who decides that."
"Why do you always leave these sort of decisions up to me?" Matt asked.
"Because I started this. It's my fault all this has happened. I won't come back unless you want me to."
"Well of course I want you to!" Matt replied. "Would you ever doubt it?"
"Guess not." Mello smiled.
"So...what are you going to do now?" Matt asked quietly.
Mello sighed. "Leave, I suppose. What else is there to do? As long as I'm living with my father, my whole life with either be a lie or a living hell."
"I'll stand by you in whatever you want to do."
"Let's just stay here tonight – we'll work everything out in the morning."
"Alright." Matt ran his fingers through Mello's hair and gently pressed his lips to his forehead.
It didn't matter what hell Mello's father put them through, as long as they went through it together.
-End of Chapter 26-
And finally, Mello just couldn't hold back anymore from his true feelings. This chapter was the first time I ever used the word 'boyfriend' in referring to the two of them. It just sounds so odd to describe Mello and Matt.... ahaha.
Early in the chapter, when Mello was telling Matt to 'hurt' him or whatever, that's a reciprocation of the guilt he feels about everything he's done to him, both in here and in 'Obsession'. He never wants to end up using Matt like that again, so he thinks that maybe if Matt gains control over him, he won't be able to. Mello's thinking is complicated....;;