Cry? Why would I cry in my sleep? It didn't make any sense to me. Walking from the train station to the university, I passed by some cherry trees; they were fresh in bloom. My feet came to a slow halt as I stood watching the trees; their leaves and pink petals swaying in the springtime air. Cherry trees, and spring…. Little memories buried in the recesses of my heart. They were so precious to me, though I didn't know why. Why was I so unwilling to let go of the past? Why was it always there, lingering all throughout me and everything I did? Why was he always there…..? And why hadn't I realized until I saw, until I met Christian Grey? Why did seeing his face, his flawless smile remind me of so much? Countless memories…. My eyes softened onto the pink cherry blossoms. No, it didn't make sense. After twenty years, why was he still a gigantic part of me?
Christian and I went out to the cherry blossom orchard. It was just the two of us this time and he was eager to tell me something. It was spring and the trees were all fresh in bloom; tiny petals gently fell all around us like pink snow. I found it absolutely magical; if magic existed on earth, it was here.
"Come," Christian climbed up onto one of the branches and held out his hand for me. I took it and followed his lead up the tree. We were still small and didn't weigh enough to do any harm. Still, we weren't technically allowed to climb the trees but that was of no consequence at the moment. Christian got to a large enough branch for us to sit on. He made sure I was sitting securely first before planting himself close beside me. We gazed over the rest of the trees and yard, and my mouth dropped. Stunning- perfectly stunning. The trees were so lovely from up above. The pink bled into the blue sky and green grass seamlessly. It was like a literal painting- a masterpiece; one I could have stared at for hours. "So pretty," I whispered in awe. I didn't realize that Christian wasn't currently looking at the landscape like me. "Yes; yes, you are," his tone was so soft and soulful.
Neither of us said anything more for a minute. I did blink down to see Christian rest his hand over top mine on the branch. Then my eyes peered up to his face; he seemed so serene and intent. Much too serious an expression for a boy his age. It was enraptured and enchanting all at the once. And without my comprehending it, my face morphed into a mirror of his. I'd learned so much from Christian these past couple of years, and experienced feelings and emotions I didn't even know existed. I think… I think Christian was the one who taught me that you can learn so much about someone just by silently watching them. Every line in his face, every movement of his hands, even the flash in his throat as he breathed- they all told a story. Countless stories. Without my realizing it, I learned something new about him, and consequently the world, each time I looked at him. And in the past year, I found myself staring at him more and more…
"Ana…." "Christian." "Are you happy?" His tone…. His tone was like a warm, fuzzy blanket I wanted to wrap myself in. Yes, of course I was happy; I'm with you. But my lips merely smiled, and my head nodded. "Good," he sounded so relieved…. "Are you happy, Christian?" I ventured to ask; not to be polite, I genuinely wanted to know. Christian watched me for a long while, not saying anything right away. I felt my heart burst into a million glorious pieces when he eventually smiled. Oh, that smile of his; it'll always be my favorite feature. I adored it when he looked happy, was happy…. If I could capture it somehow and preserve it in my heart…. Just like how he was already inside my heart.
Christian's hand moved so to be holding onto mine; our fingers laced around each other's. He eyes lowered and his entire face softened. "He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."
He remembered the whole quote… that's right, he read Tolstoy and memorized the quote, just to repeat it to me. I hadn't noticed that while remembering the scene, I had fallen onto my knees. One of my hands rested on the ground alongside both of my knees. My head was down, with my long hair falling out down beside my face. I don't recall falling; my mind was elsewhere, focused on more important things. There I knelt down in front of the cherry trees without knowing how I got into such a position. And I couldn't have cared less.
I remember… I remember that day…. He was there- he was there and perfect. I could play the scene over and over in my mind, I retained it so vividly. It was something I wanted to remember… I wanted to remember too. Twenty years ago….. Once again, a vast assemblage of memories swirled through my head; each more potent than the last. Christian and I first meeting. Christian. All of us laughing with Christian pushing me on the old, wooden swing. Christian…. Him standing by the rose bush in the botanic gardens. Christian! Him kissing my forehead the day we last parted. Oh, Christian.
Why does it hurt this much? Why, after all this time, I wasn't able to forget him? Why couldn't I date other men and just move on with life? Why did I only ever date one boy who I knew I wouldn't end up with? Why did I never let myself….? A tear fell down onto my leg. I gazed back up to the trees with tears filling up my eyes. Why after twenty years… do I still want to see him?
This revelation only made me cry more. Wait, do I… want to see him? Yes; yes, of course I do. I can't deny it. I want to see him, be as near to him as possible. Ethical or not, I want to see Christian once more. My hand gently rose up to my now tear-stained cheek. I guess I want to see him because… because… It's clear now. Oh, who am I kidding? It's always been picture-perfect clear; I'm the one who chose to close her eyes and keep them shut all this time. It's beyond clear… I must be in love with him…. I'm still in love with him. Before I knew it, I'd grown to love him so much…. I… "I love Christian Grey."
"Uh, miss? Are you ok?" An unforeseen hand on my shoulder made me practically fall over sideways. My eyes shot back to see a strange man staring down at me with concern. Without my noticing, a few people were standing around and looking at me. I guess it was pretty weird to see a woman kneeling in front of trees and crying to herself. These kinds of things only happen in the movies or to crazy people; and I was neither in a movie or crazy.
I quickly wiped the remaining tears away from my eyes and got up. "Huh, sorry! I uh….. I'm fine!" I think I didn't sound as convincing as I wanted to be, though I did try smiling. His worry didn't wash away. "Is everything alright? Did something happen?" "N-no, I was just on my way to the university and I…. um, I'm fine, sir; really." "Are you sure, miss? You looked pretty sad just there." "Oh no! I'm much better now. I was just… uh, it's nothing. I'm fine now. I…"
"Sia!" Wait, I know that voice, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Jack Hyde running over to me. Oh yeah! Him! Lucas's new co-worker; wonder what he's doing by the university? Wearing a concerned expression as well, he rushed over to me. Imagine my surprise and slight dismay when he suddenly took me by the shoulders. "Sia, are you alright?" "Y-yeah, I'm fine," my tone was a bit shaky, still startled by his sudden arrival. "You're crying!" His eyes grew in alarm. "Uh well, I um…. I'm ok now. I just remembered something… but I'm alright."
I was even more surprised when Jack turned to the first man, giving him a grateful grin. "Thank you, sir. I appreciate you checking on her. I'll take it from here." Take what from here? I blinked over to him confused. The stranger nodded at him and spun around to leave, like he thought I was now in good hands or something. I mean, I liked Jack as a person but that was really weird. Jack waited until he and the other bystanders were gone before turning to address me. "You alright?" "I am…"
His face suddenly contorted as if he was struck with a lightening bolt. "Right! Lucas told me you lost the funding. I see why you're upset now." Funding? Oh that! Huh, I kinda forgot about that in the past couple of days. Uh, should I correct him? What would I say? How could I explain myself? He didn't give me time to explain, instead wrapping his arm over my shoulder. He grinned down at me. "Do you worry. I have just the cure for that," he announced, starting to lead me away from the trees.