The Silliest Jurassic Park FanFiction Ever Written

by Lord Kristine

Two years ago, on a remote island, a wealthy entrepreneur secretly created a theme park featuring living dinosaurs drawn from prehistoric DNA. The nightmare that followed was perhaps best left forgotten. When the survivors of the Isla Nublar incident are forced to revisit the past they left behind, they discover that the conspiracy runs deeper than they ever could have imagined.

26. Hallowistmentines Special

It began with the compsognathus. Nobody suspected much at first, but when the tiny creatures began to show signs of mental instability, the raptors began to worry. The puny green lizards (technically not lizards, actually) hobbled along like pigeon-sized zombies, reaching out for some unseen target with their twiggy arms. This was unusual, even for compsognathus. Still, for the most part, they were ignored by everyone but the raptors. It had been only a few months since the San Diego incident, after all, and tensions were running high. Ellie, in particular, felt responsible for the whole mess.

"C'mon Alan, you know this can't be a coincidence!" she exclaimed as they wandered through the Visitors' Center, "First, Hammond calls us to Sorna. We refuse. Then, what happens?"

"Ian and Sarah are called instead?" he answered halfheartedly.

"Exactly. Next, the Troödon tell me that they have a boat to catch. Then, what happens?"

"A boat crashes and a Sorna T-Rex is set loose in San Diego," he sighed.

"Yes. Yes. And WHO brings it back to Sorna?"

"The navy?"

"Technically, yes. But who recaptured it?"

"Ian?"

"Ian."

Ellie sighed.

"This isn't a coincidence. Someone is sending us a message."

"The Troödon?"

"Maybe. Probably. But you know how they are . . ."

Alan placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Look, this doesn't concern us. Sorna isn't our jurisdiction . . ."

"God, I hate that place. The raptors there are crude, barbaric, stripey . . ."

"Some of OUR raptors are stripey . . ."

"Stripey-ER!" Ellie insisted.

"It doesn't concern us."

"It does! Ian-"

"-doesn't remember a thing. We're safe."

"But-"

"Relax . . ."

"But-"

"Relax . . ."

He held Ellie close and rocked her back and forth. She closed her eyes.

"Mmm . . . You shouldn't use physical contact to woo me like that . . ."

"I don't have to. You love me, regardless . . ."

"A-lan . . ."

"You love me . . ."

"I love you . . ."

Their banter was interrupted when Robin burst through the kitchen door.

"C'mon guys! You're gonna be late for the party!"

"Late? It's ten o'clock!" Ellie reminded her.

"Exactly! It's supposed to be dark and spoooooooooky!" she hooted, twinkling her claws eerily.

"Robin . . ."

"Spooooooooooky! . . ."

Alan sighed.

"Alright. We're coming. Bring out the punch."

Robin gave a loud "squee". She pushed open the double doors and skipped into the rotunda.

"I LOVE HALLOWEEN!"

***TSJPFEW***

Robin had done a very good job of decorating the Visitors' Center. There were string cobwebs everywhere, and she had set up fog machines to compliment the green spotlights. From the apple-bobbing to the two-tonne pile of candy corn (Ellie would have to talk to her about that later), the rotunda was practically oozing Halloween spirit. Ellie walked past a giant spider balloon (she would really, really have to ask Robin where she was getting all this stuff) and began to search for Charlie. She found him sitting with the other raptor children, who were listening intently to Mr. Arnold's shed story.

". . . and when I turned around, the raptor was carrying . . . MY ARM!"

He pulled off his prosthetic arm and waved it at the kids. They screamed and scattered across the room.

"Stop scaring the kids, Ray . . ." Ellie said in mock-warning.

"I'm just having a little fun . . ."

Alan joined them.

"Sheesh. It's no wonder that thing is falling off all the time. You'd better stop fiddling with it . . ."

"You know, I still have nightmares about that shed . . ." Ellie muttered grumpily.

"Not my fault! Not my fault!" Ray bleated lightly.

Ellie rolled her eyes. Charlie, who had been hiding with the other kids, waddled over and hugged her leg.

"Is the story true?" he asked squeakily.

"Oh, sure!" Ellie grumbled, "Though I'll bet Ray exaggerated certain details . . ."

"Like how he roundhouse-kicked the raptor in the face?"

They turned to Ray.

"Hey! You weren't there . . ." he said defensively.

Charlie giggled and wandered off to play with the other kids. He seemed to be growing taller than them. A little.

Ellie worried a great deal about Charlie's stunted growth. By all means, he wasn't the only dinosaur to have issues with genetic coding. Mutations could range from crooked teeth to extra legs, so he wasn't exactly in a bad way. If anything, he was lucky to be the only raptor who could fully morph into a bird. It sure made their visits to the mainland a lot easier . . .

Down by the minibar, Muldoon was having a conversation with two raptors. Ellie pushed through the crowd and sat down next to them.

"-and she gave me a pretty bad gash on my belly . . ." he said, pointing to a wrinkled scar. One of the raptors scoffed and pointed to her scarred eye.

"At least you don't have to deal with partial blindness!" she cackled.

"How bad is your vision, anyway?" Muldoon asked.

"Good enough to see that Oscar is making faces at me."

The third raptor squeaked and slid off his chair. They watched him waddle away.

"You really ought to forgive him, Val. It's been nearly five years . . ." Ellie hummed.

"Why don't you have someone slice your eye and see how fast you get over it?" she spat.

"Alright, point taken," Ellie sighed.

"Hey, Ellie!" Morton shouted from a haystack, "Come look at this!"

Ellie slid off the chair and walked over. Morton and Penelope had glued various wigs to their sides. Ellie raised her eyebrow.

"What are you supposed to be?"

"Hair-rerasaurs."

Ellie giggled.

"That's very good."

"Where's YOUR costume?" Penelope asked. Ellie shrugged.

"I don't really have anything pr- MPH!"

A massive cardboard tube slid over her head.

"Surprise!" Robin chirped, "I made you one!"

Ellie stuck her arms through two white straps. The cardboard was painted with brown, horizontal stripes. Robin placed a bouquet of plastic leaves on Ellie's head.

"Ta-dah! You're a palm tree!"

Ellie blew a hanging leaf off of her forehead.

"Thanks, Robin."

"No problem!"

Turning around, Ellie saw that Robin had painted black stripes across her scales. She was wearing a pair of itty-bitty fairy wings and sparkly antennae.

"So . . . you're a bee?" Ellie asked.

"Yup. Yanni and I decided to do couple-costumes this year . . ."

She pointed to Yannick, who had been delicately festooned with poofy pink petals and large leaves. He didn't look too happy. Ellie sniggered.

"I think he looks lovely . . ."

Alan jogged over.

"Hey, Ellie. Are the bambiraptors supposed to be drinking alcoholic punch, or-"

Robin slid another plastic tube over Alan. This one was painted blue-purple, and had a very smiley brachiosaurus head on top.

"Outstanding," Alan mumbled.

"Glad ya think so," Robin twittered.

"Ellie! Alan! Something's wrong with the compsognathus!" Kipper shouted as he dashed through a pair of swinging doors. He skidded across the floor on his claws, but managed to right himself before losing grip. He stared at Ellie and Alan's costumes and pursed his snout, trying hard to keep from laughing.

"What's going on?" Ellie asked monotonously. Kipper pointed to a nearby compsognathus.

"They're walking funny. Also, their eyes are glowing. I think it might have something to do with Haunted Mountain . . ."

"Haunted Mountain?" Ellie echoed. Charlie flapped over and landed on her shoulders.

"Did somebody say 'Haunted Mountain'? Buzz and Rocky told me all about it! It's a HUGE mountain down South-"

"You mean South Mountain?" Ellie asked.

"Haunted Mountain! There's a ghost . . ." Charlie insisted.

"Sweetie, there's no such thing as ghosts. They're just pretend," Ellie cooed.

"But Buzz and Rocky said-"

"Buzz and Rocky say a lot of things. There is no ghost on South Mountain."

"WRONG!"

Robin padded over from the apple-bobbing barrel.

"There IS a ghost on Haunted Mountain, and I saw him!"

Ellie raised her eyebrow.

"You don't believe me?" Robin whined. Ellie shrugged.

"I guess not . . ."

"Well, you weren't THERE! I was wandering through the mountains in search of those tasty little tapir things, when I saw a pale figure in the mist. I thought it was odd that I didn't smell him coming, so I followed him up the trail. When I reached the summit, he jumped out of the bushes and spewed ectoplasm all over the place! And nobody ever saw me again . . ."

"I think you're being dramatic," Ellie said flatly.

"Whooooooooo . . ."

"Robin . . ."

"WHOOOOOOOOO!"

Ellie sighed and rubbed her brow. Kipper nudged her arm.

"She has a point. The compsognathus are migrating South. Something could be happening on that mountain . . ."

"Something spoooooooooky!" Robin hooted.

"Enough! There is nothing supernatural on the peak of Hau- On South Mountain! There's probably a rational explanation . . ." Ellie barked.

"Like magnetic currents," Alan confirmed, "Plenty of animals can sense negative charge."

The theropods gave him a nasty look.

"Oh, come on! We're all animals! It's not a slur . . ." he said defensively.

"Ack! Ellie, if you're so sure that there isn't anything going on up there, maybe we could organize an expedition," Robin suggested coyly.

"Fine. We leave immediately. We can take a jeep down the outer road-"

"JEEP?!" Robin yapped loudly, "Why take a jeep when you have a perfectly good hayride just waiting to be used?"

Robin trotted over to a nearby table and slipped into a harness. Yannick strapped her to a wagon.

"Come on! It'll be fun! Until the ghost murders us, that is . . ."

Ellie rolled her eyes and hopped into the cart. She pulled a barely-mobile Alan up by his arms. Charlie flitted up after them.

"Oh, no. You're staying here!" Ellie scolded seriously.

"What?! Why can't I come?" Charlie whined.

"Ellie thinks the ghost will get you," Robin said matter-of-factly.

"I do NOT! There's no such thing as ghosts . . ."

"See, that's why you'd die in a horror movie!" Robin blathered, "The doubter always gets his or her comeuppance . . ."

"Mhm. And I suppose you'd live?" Ellie grumbled.

"Well, sure! And Charlie, too. You can never kill off a kid character."

"What about in 'Jaws'?" Alan asked blandly.

"Ack! Whatever. Let's just bring enough expendable people along . . ." Robin huffed.

"You've been watching too many movies," Ellie muttered.

"Well SOMEONE has to die first. On an unrelated note, has anyone seen Ray?"

"Just go, already!" Ellie snapped.

"Fine, fine. No need to get touchy . . . Doubter."

Robin pulled the wagon out the front entranceway. They bumped down the steps and headed for the main road. Charlie flew after them, landing gently on Ellie's lap. She was about to scold him, but he curled up against her and smiled sweetly.

Sometimes, Charlie could be a real brat.

Ellie gave a half-smile and scooped him up in her arms. He purred softly as they clattered down the road, headed southbound towards the mysterious Haunted Mountain.

***TSJPFEW***

"There's something strange in the neighborhood . . . Who ya gonna call?"

"Robin, you've been singing for half an hour . . ." Alan moaned.

"Well, I don't hear any of you getting into the holiday spirit!"

"I think I overdosed on Halloween last year . . ." Kipper said dolefully. Ellie giggled.

"I told you not to eat all that candy . . ."

"It was SOOOOOO good . . ." Kipper drooled.

"And unhealthy! You'll rot your teeth if you're not careful . . ."

"Oh, lighten up, Ellie. I thought you were supposed to be the cheerful one . . ." Robin hummed.

"I just don't like it when you scare Charlie . . ."

"I'm not scared!" Charlie said brightly.

"Yeah, he's not scared!" Robin repeated.

"Don't you two go ganging up on me now . . ." Ellie warned them.

"C'mon, Ellie! You used to be fun . . ." Robin pouted.

"I AM fun!" Ellie spat defensively, "I just don't like Halloween . . ."

"You liked it last year . . ." Robin whined.

"I put up with it last year. And the year before. I don't have to love it."

Robin sighed and turned her eyes to the road. Ellie bit her lip guiltily. What was she doing, losing her temper with her best friend? Halloween sure had a way of filling people with angst . . .

"Why do you hate Halloween?" Charlie peeped.

"Oh, sweetie. I don't hate Halloween. I just . . . don't like it very much."

"Is this another one of your 'mommy issues'?" Robin asked bitterly.

Ellie glared at her.

"You can't heal unless you talk about it . . ." Robin twittered.

"Don't even go there! I shouldn't have told you anything about that vile woman to begin with!"

"Ellie!" Alan gasped.

"Well, it's true! You, of all people, should know that. How many times did she insult you while I was around? . . ."

Alan looked away uncomfortably.

"And the nagging, oh god, the nagging! 'Ellen, lose some weight! Ellen, marry one of the Degler boys! Ellen, quit your job and find a real career!' She was a MONSTER!"

Ellie suddenly realized that she had been shouting. She cleared her throat and shrunk away with embarrassment.

"Anyway, that's all over now. We never have to deal with her again."

Robin frowned.

"Are you sure you shouldn't at least try-"

"And how are things going with your mother, Robin?"

Robin whimpered and turned her head. She hadn't spoken to her mother since she had disowned her, and that was before she was a dinosaur. Maybe Ellie had gone too far . . .

"Hey, guys! Look at this!"

Kipper was leaning over the edge of the cart. When Ellie peered over the side, she saw oodles of compsognathus marching slowly towards South Mountain. Their eyes were glowing a sickly shade of yellow, and their arms were outstretched like zombies.

"This is weird . . ." Alan remarked with confusion.

"Yeah. Yeah, I know . . ." Ellie whispered, "Do you think they had too much tequila or something? . . ."

"Is that what's supposed to happen?" Robin gasped.

"What? No! I'm joking. Haven't you ever-"

"No. I don't drink," Robin answered abruptly.

"Okay, then. Robin, I think we oughta unhook you now. We can walk the rest of the way."

Robin slowed to a halt and pulled the straps. Everyone lurched forward as the shafts crashed noisily to the ground. Robin tore the harness off and walked forward sourly.

"Alright, let's go!" she huffed.

Ellie and Alan shared a look. They slid out of the rear compartment and helped Charlie down. He sat on top of Alan's brachiosaurus head as they waddled up the hiking trail. Every time Ellie tried to catch up with Robin, she'd walk faster.

Halloween was a bad time of year . . .

***TSJPFEW***

Halfway up the mountain, an eerie mist began to pour down from higher ground. It stayed mostly below knee-level, but moving through the vapor quickly stirred it up enough to impede their vision. Because Robin was the largest, she had to walk at the rear of the group. She kept Kipper on her (literal) tail, however, as she didn't want anyone to sneak up on her from behind.

Despite the questionable weather, Ellie still believed that nothing supernatural was going on. The only thing that came close to paranormal activity was the incomprehensible missions of the Troödon, and this didn't look like their handiwork.

"Can anyone see the compys anymore?" Alan asked from up front.

"Naw. I thought I'd stepped on one, but it was just a tarantula . . ." Robin said with disgust. Alan shuddered.

"Do you have arachnophobia?" Charlie chirped jokingly.

"Where do you learn these vocabulary words? . . ." Alan marveled.

"Certainly not from you . . ." Ellie laughed, "Alan's writing skills aren't exactly on par with Victor Hugo . . ."

"Hey!"

"After reading your book, I have to agree," Charlie interjected, "You're a good illustrator, though. But you made some mistakes-"

"Well, I didn't exactly have living specimens at the time," Alan huffed.

"Speaking of which, I finally figured out how stegosaurs mate!" Robin bubbled, "I was hunting this pudgy female down by the river, when suddenly, a huge buck comes along and sticks his-"

"BOUNDARIES!" Ellie and Alan shouted in unison, plugging Charlie's ears.

"Ack! Since when did you stop being scientists?"

"Since we became parents," Alan retorted. Robin rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's times like this that I'm glad I'm barren. I can't imagine having to be PC 24/7 . . ."

"Robin, I don't think you're capable of-"

"GAH!"

"What? What is it?" Ellie shrieked.

"Kipper! He's gone!" Robin wailed.

"What? But he was on your tail! Didn't you feel him leave?"

"When did you last see him?" Alan asked.

"Oh, geez, I dunno . . . Five, six minutes ago? . . ."

Ellie searched the misty ground.

"Kipper! Kipper! KI-"

"Save your breath! The ghost got him . . ." Robin whimpered.

Ellie stopped shouting. Ah. So, that was the game, eh?

"Alright. I guess we'd better find the 'ghost' and rescue Kipper . . ." Ellie said sarcastically.

"You don't sound scared . . ." Robin remarked.

"I don't sound amused, either. Is this a prank?"

Robin snorted.

"That's such a horror movie thing to say . . ."

"Mhm. Alright. Well, let's keep going."

***TSJPFEW***

The fog was getting thicker. Ellie held Alan's hand so that they wouldn't lose each other in the haze. It was doubtful that anyone could get separated, however, since Robin was singing at the top of her lungs.

"This is Halloween! This is Halloween! Pumpkins scream in the dead of night . . ."

"Robin, can you maybe lower your voice for a minute?" Alan asked grumpily.

"No! If I stop talking, the ghost will get me!"

"That's ridiculous!" Ellie huffed, "How could we lose a thirteen-meter-long dinosaur?"

"The mist is thick . . ."

"You're bright yellow. We'll see you."

Robin frowned.

"Fine. I'd rather be snatched away than stay with you guys, anyway!"

"Real mature, Robin . . ." Ellie sighed. Robin stopped walking and sniffled.

"Why do you always get so foul in October? I never get angry with you . . ."

"You do so!" Ellie snapped, "You just bounce back quickly, that's all!"

Robin growled.

"You think I bounce back quickly? Well, that's easy for you to say! It's hard being a dinosaur! If you think I don't get hormonal just because I can't menstr-"

"BOUNDARIES!" Alan shouted.

"Ack! You know, some of us aren't being very good friends right now. I'll give you a list of who I'm NOT talking about: Charlie, Alan, Me."

Ellie crossed her arms.

"If you have a problem with the way I'm running things, you can leave."

Robin sneered.

"Do you know who you sound like?"

"Please, tell me!" Ellie said sarcastically. Robin growled.

"I won't. If I do, you'll never forgive me. But it's true."

Ellie frowned.

"Whatever . . ."

"Ack! What a gamble friendship is! If I didn't know for a fact that you'll cheer up once this month is through, I'd leave right now!"

"Bite me."

"If I did, you'd die. Then who would I hang out with?"

"Alan and Charlie?"

"Just Alan, now. While we were fighting, the ghost kidnapped Charlie."

Ellie whipped her head around. Charlie was no longer perched on Alan's costume.

"Charlie? CHARLIE?!" Alan shouted, spinning around to see if he had climbed down his back.

"You know what? I'm not even sorry. You deserve it," Robin said bitterly.

"Ha!" Ellie barked.

"Aren't you worried? Your child is missing!"

"Right, right. Just like Kipper. It's funny, Alan wouldn't have been able to feel Charlie leave, because he was perched on his costume, but you should have been able to sense Kipper's departure just fine . . ."

"Wrong! If Alan doesn't notice a change in weight, then- Wait. Are you accusing me of setting this whole thing up?!" Robin gasped with indignance.

Ellie nodded. Alan stood beside her and frowned.

"Wh- I-" Robin sputtered.

"And you'll be the next to disappear, right?" Ellie smirked, "Leaving Alan and I to wander around until you jump out and scare us?"

"No, you'll wander around because the couple is always the last to get separated."

"Sure," Ellie said, turning around. Alan followed her up the path.

"Just wait 'til you're all alone! You'll be sorry!"

"Whatever you say, Robin."

Robin huffed and trotted after them. Ellie didn't give her the satisfaction of turning around.

***TSJPFEW***

They had nearly reached the peak. Alan and Ellie were still holding hands. Robin trudged dismally behind them.

"Do you think we should talk to her?" Alan asked gently. Ellie chuffed.

"Just keep walking. She'll run and hide while we're not looking . . ."

Alan turned around. Robin scowled.

"I'm still here. Thanks for caring."

Alan sighed. Ellie didn't even bother looking back.

"Are you sure we shouldn't at least ask her if she's okay?" Alan whispered.

"What? No! Don't encourage her . . ."

"Ellie, you know how she is . . ."

"Yeah, she's a real pain in the ass!"

"I know you don't mean that."

"Right now, I kinda do!" she whispered furiously.

"Ellie . . ."

"Don't you 'Ellie' me! I've done my best to get through Halloween, and I won't tolerate your patronizing tone of voice . . ."

"I'm not trying to be patronizing. I'm worried about you."

Ellie frowned.

"Don't be. After tonight, I'll be perfectly fine."

"Until next year. And the year after that. When is this going to stop?"

"When people learn to stop treating each other like scare-targets! Halloween is a bad time of year . . ."

"For you. But not for everyone. Charlie seems to enjoy it . . ."

"I can see that. I'll bet he was in cahoots with Robin all along. He should know better-"

"Ellie, listen to yourself! You're humbugging a children's holiday! You aren't usually like this. This isn't you."

"It's only temporary," Ellie huffed.

"Good!" Robin sneered from behind them, "Because I don't like this Bitch-Ellie at all!"

"What did you call m-"

When Ellie spun around, she saw that Robin had disappeared. But how was that possible? Her voice had been so close . . .

Alan blinked.

"Ellie-"

"Oh, shut up! Just head for the peak, so we can get this over with!"

***TSJPFEW***

Eventually, Alan disappeared as well. Ellie didn't even care anymore. Robin would be jumping out any time now. Any time . . .

Fifteen minutes passed, and still there was no sign of Robin. Boy, she was really committed to her jokes. Maybe she just wanted to watch Ellie suffer.

"Hello, is anyone out there?" Ellie shouted half-heartedly. She trudged through the mist and coughed. The air was getting humid.

"Look, you may as well just scare me now: I already know what you're up to!"

No reply.

Ellie sighed.

"Come on, Robin! I don't have all night!"

An owl glided down from a nearby tree. Its wings made no sound as it flew. Ellie looked around nervously.

"Hello? . . ."

"Hello," a male voice replied. Ellie rolled her eyes.

"And I suppose you're a part of R- AAAAAAAAAH!"

Ellie screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw a pale figure floating above the mists. She waggled her arms and fell backwards in fright. As she examined the ghost, however, Ellie realized that he was not very threatening. He wore a dress-shirt and tie, and was mostly bald. His posture was something of a spindly hunch, and he looked as frail as rice paper.

"You're not scary . . ." Ellie said stupidly.

"No, I guess not. I'm not a very good ghost."

Ellie stared at him for a moment. He floated awkwardly.

"Don't you recognize me?" he prompted.

"Uh . . . You seem a bit familiar . . ."

"Donald. Donald Gennaro. The lawyer . . ."

"Oh . . . You were eaten by the T-Rex!"

"Yeah, and now I'm a ghost."

"Uh-huh. And how is that going?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know. I was upset at first, but I've had more than four years to get over it . . ."

"Right . . ." Ellie breathed lightly.

They stared at each other for a long time.

"So, why did you come up to visit me?" Gennaro asked.

"Well, Robin told me that she had seen you-"

"The yellow T-Rex? She scared the living shit out of me!" he croaked.

"But you're . . . I mean . . ."

"I know. I can't die twice. But I don't like carnivores. That's why I stay up here. The mist is too thick for hunting . . ."

Ellie frowned thoughtfully.

"So, why didn't you come down to the human side of Nublar?" she asked.

"I didn't want to scare anybody. But then, you rounded up that army . . ."

"You KNOW about that?" Ellie gasped.

"Sure. I know a lot of things. I'm good at eavesdropping . . ."

"Do you understand theropods, then?"

"Not until they started speaking English."

"Ah. So, what did you do with the others?" Ellie asked.

"You mean, the people you came up with? That wasn't me. I think it might have something to do with those two raptors I saw in the forest yesterday. I overheard them talking about a prank . . ."

"Buzz and Rocky . . . Oh, I'm gonna kill them!" Ellie growled. Gennaro shrugged.

"Well, if you want my opinion, this might just be the perfect opportunity to play a little prank of your own . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

Buzz and Rocky tried their best not to snigger as they waded through the mist. The rest of the gang trailed solemnly behind them.

"You know, you really shouldn't do this . . ." Alan hummed.

"Aw, c'mon! Don't spoil the fun . . ." Rocky whined.

"I'm with Alan on this one," Robin sighed, "You shouldn't make Ellie mad. Madder."

"I thought you liked scaring people . . ." Buzz complained. Robin stood up straight and glowered.

"Not Ellie. She doesn't like being scared. If I had known about this beforehand, I'd-"

"Shhh! Here she comes . . ."

Ellie was jogging down the path nervously. Her leafy headpiece was crooked, and she looked out of sorts. Buzz and Rocky crept slowly through the fog. When she passed by, they jumped out and shrieked.

'SCREEEEEEEEE!'

"Oh, thank goodness, I've found you! There's a ghost on this mountain!" she said urgently. Buzz and Rocky stared at her with confusion. Her reaction wasn't quite what they had been expecting . . .

"A . . . A ghost? But-"

Ellie's eyes went wide.

"Behind you . . ."

Buzz and Rocky turned to look over their shoulders. There was nothing there.

"What on earth . . ."

When they looked back, Ellie was gone.

"Um . . . Where did you go?" Rocky whimpered.

"BLAAARGH!"

A ghost burst out of the ground and waved its arms in the air. Buzz and Rocky screamed and tried to run away. They tripped over each other and lay thrashing on the ground. Ellie stepped out from behind a tree and began to laugh uncontrollably. She put her hands on her knees and folded over.

"What's going on? What's-"

Alan stopped dead in his tracks.

"G-g-ghost . . ."

"It's okay, Alan!" Ellie said through laughter, "It's Donald Gennaro!"

"The lawyer?"

Ellie nodded.

"I'll explain everything on the way down."

***TSJPFEW***

And explain, she did. Everyone was a bit shocked to see a ghost (except Robin, of course), but the initial terror was soon replaced by a how-does-this-work attitude. They each took turns jumping through Gennaro, who was happy to receive the attention. With a little persuasion, he decided that it would be generally beneficial to travel back with them. Ellie got the feeling that he was a little bit lonely on his own, so she offered him a part-time job as a babysitter. He accepted wholeheartedly, and they strolled back to the Visitors' Center with a spring in their step.

"Hey, Robin! I guess you were right after all!" Kipper beamed. Robin shrugged.

"Yeah, but I won't rub it in anyone's face."

Ellie bit her lip.

"Robin, I'm sorry about-"

"Naw, it's fine. I know this time of year isn't your favorite."

"It still doesn't excuse my behavior," Ellie replied with remorse. Robin smiled.

"Ack, what's a good friendship without a couple of bumps?"

Ellie hugged her leg.

"Awww . . ."

"So what kind of ghost-powers do you have?" Charlie asked Gennaro.

"Well, I can fly, walk through walls, turn invisible, pick up small objects . . ."

"And brainwash compsognathus?"

"What? No! Where'd you get THAT idea?"

"The compsognathus . . . They were acting like zombies . . ." Alan explained with confusion.

At that very moment, a woozy compsognathus stumbled out of a bush.

"Geoffrey! How are you? What's going on?" Ellie asked.

The tiny dinosaur teetered back and forth on his spindly legs like a drunkard. His tongue lolled out the side of his mouth stupidly. He looked up at her with glazed eyes.

"Hi Ellie . . ." he drawled, "Some party, huh?"

"Geoffrey, are you drunk?" Ellie asked seriously.

"Whaaa? No! I jus' got back from South Mountain. Everyone is up there . . ."

"Whatever for?" Kipper wondered.

"Didn't you know?" Geoffrey blathered, "It's compsognathus mating season . . ."

"Oh, geez . . ." Ellie said, rubbing her forehead.

"Well, that's one mystery solved," Alan laughed uncomfortably.

For a moment, no one spoke.

Robin blinked.

"So the stegosaurus-"

"BOUNDARIES!" everyone shouted at once.

***TSJPFEW***

Buzz and Rocky sat dejectedly at the minibar with solemn expressions. They sulked and moped as they downed their orange juice, disappointed in the evening's lack of payoff. They had spent ages setting up the prank, and it had all been for naught.

"Some night, huh?" Buzz sighed.

Rocky nodded miserably. Down the bar, Val was swaying back and forth woozily. A plethora of empty glasses sat in from of her. Muldoon was listening to her politely, not knowing quite what to say to get her to leave.

"So I says to Mabel, I says- 'He's not coming back, honey! He packed a suitcase and everything . . .'"

She hiccupped. Muldoon nodded awkwardly.

"Has anyone e'er told you that you have beautiful eyesss . . ."

She slumped forward and passed out. Muldoon got off his chair and backed away very slowly.

"Geez, someone's having a good time!" Rocky grumbled.

"She won't be so happy in the morning . . ." Buzz chuckled.

They stared at everyone in the rotunda. The theropods were dancing to "Monster Mash" with big smiles on their faces. A struthiomimus with a fake afro and magenta glasses was really rocking the party. The bambiraptors had stacked themselves up in a pyramid to be his dance partner. They teetered precariously and collapsed in a heap. Everyone giggled and helped them up. Rocky sighed.

"Maybe it's a good thing we didn't scare Ellie . . ."

"What do you mean?" Buzz asked.

"Well, I dunno. I guess Halloween isn't just about the scaring, you know? I mean, look at everyone!"

Buzz rolled his eyes.

"You mean, the costumes? Most people just wear animal ears . . ."

"No, no. Not that. The fun . . ." Rocky said whimsically.

"Scaring people is fun . . ." Buzz muttered.

"Maybe. But I think the best part about scaring people is when they realize that everything is going to be okay . . ."

"I guess you're right," Buzz sighed with defeat, "It's a good thing we never put those starfish in her bed . . ."

Rocky's eyes went wide.

"I thought you said that was still on."

"Nah. Too easy. You took them out, right?"

A shrill scream came from the next room over. Buzz and Rocky cringed.

"Should we run?"

"Definitely."

They pattered across the rotunda. Ellie burst through the door, brandishing a wooden broom. The dancing dinosaurs cleared a path for her as she swatted the two brothers. Robin and Yannick observed the chase passively.

"You think she'll catch up to them?" Yannick asked casually. Robin shrugged.

"Well, raptors can run up to sixty clicks, but I'll bet an angry Ellie could probably top that."

They watched as she whacked them to the floor. They flinched as she walloped them repeatedly with her besom.

"You wanna dance with Disco Stru?" Robin asked.

"Yup."

They cleared off as Ellie resumed her pursuit. The theropods ignored her and continued to dance gleefully.

Halloween was an excellent time of year.

***TSJPFEW***

It does not snow in Costa Rica. Ellie knew this, of course, as it was her third Christmas on Nublar, but what she DIDN'T expect was the shipload of stuffing that Robin had ordered from the mainland to emulate the winter aesthetic. As it had been with the two previous Halloweens and Christmases, Robin had taken over the party planning like some sort of crazy, yellow, holiday juggernaut. Ellie enjoyed the festivities, but she hoped to abstain from too much celebration. On their limited budget (even diamonds couldn't pay for everything), it wasn't wise to be like the grasshopper who sang all summer. For this reason, Ellie and Alan refused to tell Robin their birthdates. They allowed her to celebrate Charlie's birthday, however, which was conveniently placed on the Fourth of July. He was two years old now, and Ellie had stopped counting the months. He still wasn't growing like the other raptors, and that was of great concern. Oddly enough, he was now about the same age as his biological mother had been when she died, but he remained small and innocent, perhaps rightly so. He wasn't the only raptor with stunted growth, however, as Kipper had hatched an irregular daughter in the middle of November. Already, she was dwarfed by her siblings, though this meant that Charlie finally had someone to relate to.

Buzz and Rocky hadn't had any children of their own, but Bucky had settled down with a nice raptorette named Jolene. Oh, how hard it was to stop Robin from singing every time someone said her name. Aside from that, the raptor population was at equilibrium.

Val had decided not to have any more children, as she was getting too old for such things. Were she a human, she might be pushing forty, and was therefore one of Ellie's "older" friends, even though she was numerically five years old. She had enough trouble, anyway, with Lance and Crusher. They didn't have children (thank god), but Lance (in particular) had made a hobby of incessantly and enthusiastically romancing the females of Raptor Valley. One raptor had even spontaneously changed gender to keep him at bay.

Aside from these minor hiccups, everyone seemed to be family-oriented nowadays, especially with Christmas right around the corner. It was the twenty-third, and already, everyone was chomping at the bit. The bambiraptors had little bells around their necks and the compsognathus had assigned themselves the prestigious post of "candygram supervisors". The herrerasaurs were in charge of the lights and the gallimimus worked in the kitchen. Even the dilophosaurs seemed to be having fun setting up the Christmas tree in the Visitors' Center rotunda.

Amongst all of this joy and merriment, Ellie couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. After the Halloween party, Alan had promised that they would call Ian to see how he was doing. Throughout November, they had stalled and stalled until it became clear that neither of them wanted to be the first to explain everything to him.

Even though the mainland was well aware that Sorna existed (and all Five Deaths, for that matter), Nublar was another kettle of fish. Ellie dreaded the discovery of the island more than anything else in the world, and thus did everything in her power to protect it.

Unfortunately, December was notorious for inspiring all of those mushy-gushy feelings, and Ellie couldn't stop herself from dialing Ian's number.

***TSJPFEW***

"Hello?"

"Ian!"

"Errr, hi. Who is this?"

"It's Ellie . . ."

"Ellie? Ellie Sattler?"

"Uh-huh. How are you?"

"Well, aside from being chased around by a T-Rex recently, I'm fine."

"Right. I heard. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm over it. Just be thankful that you don't have to deal with any more dinosaurs!"

". . ."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. So, you really went to Sorna?"

"Yeah. Me and Sarah. And Kelly. She fought a raptor with her gymnastics . . ."

"Boy, your jokes have really gone downhill . . ."

"Haha. Right. How exactly did you get this number?"

"I asked around. Why?"

"Is there a reason you called?"

"I . . . I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"What, after four years? Why now?"

"Four . . ."

"Yes, four. Can't you count?"

"Do you . . . remember anything in between those years?"

"Sure, I do."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I broke my nondisclosure agreement and was fired."

"Oh."

"Is that all, then?"

"No. I was wondering if you'd like to come over for Chr- For the holidays."

"Why would I do that? It's not like I, uh, know you all that well . . ."

"You don't?"

"Well, no. We haven't spoken for-"

"Four years. I know."

"Yeah. You still with Alan?"

"Naturally."

"Whereabouts do you two live?"

"Uh . . . On an island . . ."

"After what we went through? I hope it isn't anything like Isla Nublar . . ."

"Actually . . . it's exactly like Nublar. It is Nublar. We're living on Isla Nublar."

". . . You're joking . . ."

"No. But I can explain! See, two years ago, Henry Wu called all three of us to Nublar because we were infected with a virus. Well, I was actually the only one who had to worry about it, but you stayed anyway. We had a fight and scared the living daylights out of a nurse, but we made up and went swimming. Robin told us about a machine that could open other dimensions. I didn't really believe her, but she was right all along! Later, we repaired the lamp you broke and tried to figure out what was going on. We didn't have to wait long, because the next day, I turned into a T-Rex. I wandered around for a bit, but when we reunited, these two french baryonyx attacked us and pushed me off a cliff. I was rescued by a marine creature and I washed up on the beach. My spirit pteranodon told me that I had a starfish on my face, so I had a panic attack. Eventually, I was captured by rebel raptors, who had the ability to fly and speak. I found diamonds in a volcano and got drunk on dilophosaurus venom, but my raptor friends helped me round up an army. By the time we started a war, you were a utahraptor and Robin was an allosaurus, and we got split up into several dimensions. It was okay, though, because we sent Wu through the portal as a spinosaurus to please the transdimensional Troödon. After that, I ate a piece of Roquefort cheese so that I could speak with Hammond, and Alan and I were given full custody of the island. We adopted a baby raptor- he's being babysat by Donald Gennaro's ghost- and now we're living among theropods!"

". . ."

"Ian? . . ."

"I'm hanging up now . . ."

"DON'T! Please, Ian! You have to believe me!"

"Why?"

"Because we're friends . . ."

"FRIENDS? We're acquaintances, not even! God, I don't know why I'm still on the phone. You sound unstable . . ."

"I know it sounds crazy, but I can prove it! Just gimme a second, I'll find Val-"

"Goodbye, Dr. Sattler."

"Ian!"

***TSJPFEW***

Click.

The line went dead. Ellie sighed and hung up the phone. She didn't know what she had been expecting. Her story was unbelievable, at best, and Ian wasn't really chummy with her anymore. Why should he be, anyway? Ellie had put the safety of Isla Nublar before the safety of her own friend. If she had only told the world that Ian wasn't lying about Jurassic Park, maybe he wouldn't have been so cold. In any case, it was too late now.

"Ellie! I found my Jingle Cats CD! Now we can really get this party sta- . . . What's wrong?"

Ellie wiped away a tear.

"Nothing, Robin. I just . . . I just called Ian."

"You did WHAT?! Without Alan? Without me?"

"I'm sorry, Robin. I wasn't thinking."

"I'll say! I warned you, didn't I? It always ends in tears!"

"I thought it would be different . . ."

"Ack! Maybe. Ian was a good friend . . ."

"He was."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Finally, Ellie sighed.

"I'm sorry about your mother, Robin."

"It's fine. You guys are all the family I need."

Ellie hugged Robin's leg.

Wren Smith had been particularly cruel to Robin when she got in touch, and it still seemed to be having some effect on her demeanor. She still bounced around in her usual Robin-ish way, but every now and then, Ellie would catch her sulking in the corner when she thought that no one was watching. Ellie knew firsthand how evil mothers could be, and the thought of something tragic happening to Robin was beyond comprehension. She just wasn't meant to be dark and brooding. Seeing her this way was frightening, to say the least.

"If you ever want to talk about it-"

"Naw, I think that I've said all that needs to be said. Besides, now that her last chance at having grandchildren is gone, there'll be no reason for her to bother me."

"Oh, Robin . . ."

"Don't be sad: it's almost Christmas! Who wants grumpy people around, anyway? We're gonna have tons of fun, with or without Ian!"

"You're right. I just wish he remembered everything we had been through . . ."

"Ack! Even if he did, he'd probably still be an asshole. There's no pleasing the Wizard of 'Uhs'!"

"Maybe."

"Cheer up! We need to get some eggnog into you . . ."

"I thought you didn't drink . . ." Ellie said coyly. Robin shrugged.

"It's non-alcoholic. But even if it wasn't, I think it's about time I tried something new."

"Really?"

"Would I lie? On purpose?" she beamed. Ellie smiled.

"Alright! Let's nog it up!"

"Ha! 'Nog it up' . . . I like that! Can I put it on a T-shirt?"

"Only if I get royalties . . ."

They walked down the hall and laughed merrily. It may have been a bit too cheerful, but what else could a person do to shrug off such heartache? In any case, they always had each other, which was more than enough.

And Ian?

Well, Ellie had no doubt that he'd figure things out, one way or another . . .

***TSJPFEW***

One morning, upon awakening from troubled dreams, Ian Malcolm found himself, in his bed, transformed into a monstrous theropod.

'HOLY SHIT!'

He kicked his sinewy legs in the air and examined the sickle-shaped claws on his inner toes. Between them, he saw a spiny tail, which twitched in agitation as he waggled around. Panicked, he rolled out of bed, only to find that his prickly back had snagged the sheets. He thrashed around with the white blankets on top of him, hissing unpleasantly.

When he was free, he turned and saw his reflection in the mirror. He was definitely a dinosaur of some kind, though he was too big to be a velociraptor. His head nearly grazed the ceiling, and he had very little tail-room. Flexing his muscles, Ian saw that the quills responded aggressively to his movement, sliding in and out of his back. He twirled one way, then another, then the first way again. On his last spin, he knocked a lamp off the bedside table with his tail. It crashed to the ground and shattered into five or six pieces.

"Ian? Are you okay?"

Oh, god. Sarah was in the kitchen. What would she think when she saw him? This was very bad . . .

'Sarah . . . Something's happened . . .'

He heard footsteps coming down the hall. His black quills undulated randomly as he hyperventilated.

Ian closed his eyes. It would be okay. Sarah loved dinosaurs. She wouldn't hurt him. She wouldn't be afraid . . .

"Ian, did you break my-"

When she opened the door, Sarah stood very still. Her eyes went wide.

'Sarah, don't freak out . . .'

She screamed and slammed the door. Ian ran after her. Not knowing his own strength, he burst straight through the door, leaving the frame in splinters. Sarah continued to dash down the hall. Ian followed her, knocking a portrait of a woman in furs to the ground. He eventually caught up with her in the kitchen, where he skidded across the tile and crashed painfully to the ground. Sarah ran to the other side of the marble island as he righted himself.

'Sarah! Sarah, it's me!'

She stood shivering against the countertop.

'Can't you understand me?'

She couldn't. Ian looked around for something that he could use to communicate with her. He tried to grab a ballpoint pen in his mouth, but it snapped between his teeth and sprayed ink everywhere. Meanwhile, Sarah had armed herself with a frying pan. Ian stepped forward slowly.

'Sarah, don't hit me . . .'

She flinched.

'Shhh . . . Put the frying pan down,' he purred.

She lowered her weapon slightly.

'Good, good. I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe. Just calm down . . .'

When he was close enough, he lowered his neck in submission.

'Everything is going to be just f-'

Without warning, she conked him on the head.

***TSJPFEW***

'Uuurrrgh . . .'

When Ian regained consciousness, he was lying on the carpet. He tried to speak, but his snout had been tied shut with polypropylene film rope. The rest of his body had been shoved into a thick sleeping bag, which was also bound by ropes and wire. It was much too small for a dinosaur such as himself, and his quills poked through the fabric like a spiky chrysalis. Ian tried to stand up, but his legs and arms were tied together inside the bag. Sarah wasn't taking any chances.

Speaking of Sarah, Ian could hear her whispering. When he turned his head, he saw her pacing in the other room with the phone dragging across the floor behind her. Ian cocked his head to hear her better.

". . . right in the middle of the room! I don't know where it came from!"

A pause.

"Of course not! Ian would never bring a dinosaur into the house. Besides, it attacked me, so it can't be tame . . ."

Attacked? That was ridiculous! And hadn't SHE been the one to hit him with a frying pan? . . .

"I don't know. I think it's a utahraptor, but it has these quills . . ."

Pause.

"I have no idea if they're barbed, but I don't want to find out . . ."

Damn right! Ian's back bristled with anger as he growled.

"Hang on, I think it might be awake."

Ian closed his eyes and lay his head on the floor.

"It hasn't moved. I hope I didn't kill it . . ."

She very well could have, waving the frying pan around like that!

"I might have to call Animal Services. Or InGen. I haven't decided yet . . ."

Uh-oh. Ian couldn't let himself be captured. He'd have to come up with a plan. But what could he do, when he was tied up like this? Maybe he could convince her to let him out . . .

Ian whimpered like a puppy. He wasn't sure if he could pull off the "adorable victim" ploy, but it was worth a shot.

"Hang on. I gotta go. I'll call you later."

Pause.

"I'll be fine. Bye."

Ian heard the phone click. A few seconds later, Sarah pushed nervously through the door with the frying pan in her hands. Ian whimpered again and looked up at her with big eyes. She paused, then kneeled down with trepidation. Ian sniveled pitifully.

"Shhh . . . It's okay . . ." Sarah cooed, touching the tip of his snout gently, "It's okay . . ."

Ian whimpered a little louder. Sarah stroked the ridge of his nose.

"Shhh . . . Shhh . . ." she whispered.

This went on for several minutes. Ian tried not to show his agitation. Couldn't this woman do anything but pet him? He wanted to escape, not cuddle!

"Hush little baby, don't you cry . . ."

Oh, for crying out loud!

Sarah pulled away as Ian snorted. Before she could reach for her frying pan, Ian resumed his whimpering. She cradled his cheek in her left hand while she rubbed his chin. What was this, a petting zoo? Still, it did feel kind of nice . . .

Ian didn't realize that he was purring until Sarah lifted his head onto her lap. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't stop himself from closing his eyes and going limp.

"There's a good boy. Everything is going to be fine . . ."

Christ! What was he, a dog?

"It's Christmas Eve, you know. I wonder if you're my present . . ."

Highly unlikely.

"You know, Ian won't be too happy to see you when he gets home. He doesn't like dinosaurs. Or Christmas. Not that he has to, I mean, but I come from a different culture, so you'd think-"

Ian stopped purring. Sarah pulled back her hand. After a few seconds, Ian forced himself to calm down. Sarah leaned in a little closer. Her swaying, red hair tickled Ian's snout.

"I'm going to tell you a secret."

Oh, goodie.

"Ian hasn't been very sympathetic lately . . ."

Wait.

'Sarah, what are you talking about?' Ian whispered through his teeth.

"Last night, he went on and on about that Sattler lady . . ."

'Uh, yeah. Because she was clearly crazy!' Ian hissed.

"I mean, she was clearly crazy, but I think he was being kind of harsh . . ."

'You never told me you felt that way . . .'

"I didn't tell him how I felt, though. He gets kind of sensitive, if you know what I mean."

'I don't know what you mean. This is the first time I'm hearing any of this!'

"Maybe I should be more honest with him, I dunno," she sighed.

'Please. Be honest. What are you afraid of?'

"Ah, but he wouldn't listen, anyway," Sarah huffed, "He's kind of pigheaded . . ."

'EXCUSE ME?'

"Stop squirming. I'm trying to talk. Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if this is going to work . . ."

'If what's going to work? Oh, Sarah . . . Please say you're not about to break up with me!'

"He's been so distant lately . . ."

'Sarah, there's a reason! I promise, if you just give me a chance-'

"I don't even know if he loves me anymore . . ."

'Don't say that! Don't say that! I love you! You know I do . . .'

She held his head close to her own and began to cry. There was nothing he could do to comfort her.

'Sarah, Sarah, Sarah . . .'

"What am I going to do?"

'Don't do anything! I can fix this . . .'

"Everything is turning to shit . . . And now I'm talking to a stupid dinosaur!"

She slammed his head on the ground and stood up. Ian watched as she sat on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands. He pulled himself closer by grabbing the carpet with his front teeth. He slid slowly towards her feet, silently willing her not to move. She sniffled and looked down at him. He stared at her with pleading eyes. She frowned.

'Sarah . . .'

She stood up brusquely and marched out of the room. Ian watched as she picked the phone up off the floor and dialed a long number.

"Hi, is this Animal Services?"

No, no, no! He couldn't let her do this!

With all of his strength, Ian kicked both legs simultaneously and tore through the sleeping bag. He leaned forward and nibbled furiously at the ropes. Once his sickle-claws were free, it was easy to remove the wires around his snout and arms. When this was accomplished, he ran into the other room and sliced the telephone cord in half. Sarah shrieked and dashed out the door.

'Sarah, stop!'

She scurried down the hall. Ian followed.

'Please, slow down!'

She didn't. Ian continued to pursue her until she reached the front entranceway. She grabbed the doorknob, but the door became jammed under the sudden rattling. Sarah glanced over her shoulder as Ian stepped forward, still jimmying the doorknob.

'Sarah, just listen to me . . .'

Her eyes darted to the kitchen and back.

'Don't even think about it!'

She crept along the wall. Ian circled her.

'You can't hurt me. You won't hurt me. Don't do this, Sarah . . .'

She made a run for it.

'STOP!'

Before he knew what he was doing, Ian swung his tail in her direction. A shower of quills pierced the wall around her. A single spine landed in the palm of her right hand. She shivered, then fell to the ground.

'SARAH!'

Ian rushed over as Sarah lay motionless on the floor. The veins around the quill were becoming black with some sort of poison. Ian yanked out the spike and tried to push the fluid away. It was already too deep. He watched in horror as Sarah's eyes clouded over. Her temporal veins began to darken, and her lips turned an icy blue. It was as though she had hypothermia, but she wasn't shivering. She was paralyzed.

'Sarah! Sarah, no!'

Her eyes stared bleakly in front of her. Ian held her close.

'Oh god! Oh god! Please don't die! I didn't mean to hurt you . . .'

She was very cold. Ian put his head over her shoulder and started sobbing.

'Please . . . Please, Sarah . . .'

She didn't answer. Ian closed his eyes.

"Please . . ."

He continued to weep for what felt like an eternity. Then, her chin shifted on his shoulder.

"Ian . . ."

"Sarah!" Ian gasped.

"Wh . . . What happened? Are you crying?"

"Y- Maybe. Wait, you recognize me? . . ."

Ian held his hands up. No claws.

"Ian, what are you talking ab-"

He held his finger to her lips.

"Shhh! Don't say a word. Give me a minute."

He jogged to the bedroom.

"Ian? . . ."

He rounded the corner and sat back down in front of her.

"I was going to wait until tonight, but I think this situation requires immediate action."

"Ian, what the hell-"

"Sarah, I'm sorry for being an asshole. Not just lately, but in general. I'm very stupid."

"What? You can't be-"

"Serious? Believe me: I am. And I have a very serious question for you . . ."

***TSJPFEW***

"Wake up! Wake up!" Charlie bubbled as he jumped up and down on Ellie and Alan's bed.

"Urrrgh . . ." Alan groaned.

"It's CHRISTMAS!" Charlie yelled brightly.

Ellie sat up and rubbed her eyes. Alan fell over the side of the bed.

"You okay?" Ellie asked drowsily.

"Mph."

Charlie tugged at Ellie's sock excitedly. She batted him away gently and yawned.

"Charlie, what time is it? You know we're not supposed to get up until eight . . ."

Charlie pouted indignantly.

"That's not fair! The guests got here an hour before I even woke up!"

"Guests?" Ellie echoed with confusion.

"Ellieeeeeeeee! Alaaaaaaaaan!"

Robin burst through the door. She seemed out of breath.

"You're gonna . . . want to see this . . . Hurry down . . . to the rotunda."

Ellie frowned and grabbed her robe. She got out of bed and accidentally stepped on Alan, who had fallen asleep on the floor. He snorted irritably. Charlie helped him up, and the three of them sped over to the top of the main staircase. When they arrived, they saw two people waiting below.

"Oh my god . . ." Ellie whispered.

They clattered down the staircase and ran over to meet their visitors.

"Ian . . ."

"I decided to come, after all," he said casually, "I brought Sarah along. I hope you don't mind . . ."

"Not at all," Ellie breathed, still in shock.

"How did you get here?" Alan asked. Ian shrugged.

"John owed me a favor."

"Well, this is fantastic!" Ellie beamed, "We're going to have a wonderful time!"

"Just as soon as we get out of our pajamas . . ." Alan said sheepishly.

***TSJPFEW***

It was a wonderful party, complete with everything one might expect from the holidays. There was singing, dancing, and more than enough tinsel to sink a ship. Ian and Sarah had brought many gifts, including a bottle of wine which, inevitably, contributed to a very drunk Robin. It was even funnier than it sounded.

Aside from the general party atmosphere, there was quite a bit of family time and friendly bonding. Kipper came over with his children, and Bucky as well. Alan and Ellie had fallen asleep by the fireplace at some point in the day, so the kids were warned to stay away from them. Charlie, however, rolled around at their feet, chewing on the dog-toy Ian had brought him (perhaps not the most sensitive gift, but he seemed to enjoy it just fine). Sarah couldn't be pulled away from the dinosaurs, who answered her questions as best they could. Ian tended to avoid the theropods, with the exception of Robin, who tried her best to get him to remember the events that took place two years prior. He seemed to have a vague recollection, but nothing more.

Eventually, once Charlie was sent to bed, Alan, Ellie, Ian, Sarah, Yannick, and Robin all gathered by the fireplace to spend some "grown-up" time together. This turned out to be nothing more than a discussion on whether or not there were any green mammals, but they enjoyed it, nonetheless.

"What about sloths?" Sarah suggested, "Some sloths are green."

"Algae," Ellie hummed, "Only because of algae."

"Guys, we've been talking about this for an hour. There are no green mammals!" Ian sighed.

"Maybe you're right . . ." Alan grumbled.

"So, what have you two been up to lately?" Ellie asked to change the subject.

"Oh, the usual . . . I woke up as a utahraptor yesterday."

Ellie blinked.

"I'm serious. Sarah, tell them."

"It's true," she confirmed.

"That's . . . odd. I thought we had cured you of the disease."

And suddenly, Ellie gave a little jump and looked around the room.

"Troödon?" Alan guessed.

"Troödon," Ellie confirmed.

Ian and Sarah were very confused.

"It's hard to explain," Ellie sighed.

Ian stood up.

"Well, I guess we'd better get going . . ."

"So soon?" Ellie asked.

"We're having dinner with Sarah's parents tomorrow. But we'll visit you again sometime . . ."

"Wait, just give me a second!" Alan said, running brusquely upstairs. Ellie escorted Ian and Sarah to the door. As they put on their shoes, Robin leaned over and whispered to Ellie.

"I think I figured out why they've been so busy . . ."

Ellie raised her eyebrow.

"What? The utahraptor thing? That's hardly-"

"No, no, no. Look!" she whispered, pointing to Sarah's left hand.

"Oh . . ." Ellie said sneakily.

"I'm back!" Alan puffed as he skidded across the floor.

He was carrying a plush parcel in his arms. He handed it to Ian.

"For you."

"Aw, thanks, Al!" he said, wrapping him in a bear hug.

The group shared a final goodbye, promising that they would keep in touch. The covenant of friendship between them would never again be broken.

***TSJPFEW***

Ian and Sarah often visited in the months that followed, and they became something of an extended family to the Nublarians. It was funny how camaraderie was blind to time, space, and even species. On that note, Robin never contacted her mother again, though it was not a withheld action, per se. She simply didn't need her anymore, as she had more than enough family on the island. Ellie, Alan, and Charlie continued to live their lives as usual, though perhaps with a little more stress now that they had the extra pressure of supervising nondisclosure.

Ian and Sarah eventually moved into a bigger house, taking with them the usual furniture and such. Of all the sentimental pieces, however, Ian found that many fond memories lay within Alan's gift, which lit up the room in more ways than one.

And thus, the blue apatosaurus lamp sat on his bedside table, cracked and faded, but never broken.

***TSJPFEW***

Love is a funny thing. More accurately, it's a hideous, sickening, repugnant emotion that should be purged from the collective consciousness of mankind.

'Do we detect a slight chill in the air?'

Who said that?

'The Troödon.'

I should have known. Just my luck . . .

'It has nothing to do with luck. We sensed a disturbance in the text. A disturbance that YOU created.'

I haven't even finished the first paragraph yet . . .

'Yes, and you managed to completely miss the point of everything you've worked for in the first two sentences.'

Please elaborate.

'You're letting your negative emotions influence the story's tone.'

So what? I'm the narrator. I can do what I want.

'Wrong.'

Oh yeah? Says who?

'Says us.'

That's cute. If you think you can change my mind-

'We KNOW we can change your mind.'

Mhm. Sure. Good luck with that.

'It has nothing to do with luck.'

You know what? I don't have to take this. You can narrate your own goddamn story!

'We must insist that you stay.'

Goodbye . . .

'Don't you want the holiday specials to be a trilogy?'

Two is enough. Adios!

'If you leave now, you'll forever be unhappy.'

Ha! I can be happy if I want to. There's nothing stopping me!

'What about Desmond?'

Who told you about that?

'We know all.'

I really regret giving you superpowers. Very well. "Illuminate" me.

'It is not that simple. We must travel to the Land of Memories.'

Not my memories, I hope.

'Yours, and others.'

Great. So is this some sort of metafiction?

'Wasn't it always?'

Smartass.

'Tell me, are you ready to embark on an emotional journey through time and space?'

Inter-dimensional feel-trip? Meh. Why not?

'Prepare to enter the Land of Memories.'

***TSJPFEW***

Okay, boys. Where are we?

'Why don't you tell us?'

Hm, well let's see . . . Ooh! I recognize this place! This is the sandy cliff from "Last Day". Are we going to follow Robin's story?

'In part, yes.'

Cool. I've always wondered why she hooked up with Yannick so suddenly. Then again, it is Robin.

'Watch.'

. . .

Hey, isn't it a bit, erm, blank in here?

'You're still the narrator.'

Right, right. Can I keep my sassy tone of voice?

'If you think it will help.'

Cool.

Yannick stood mournfully over Robin's dead body. Consumed by guilt, he shook uncontrollably as he reflected upon the murder he had committed. Not five minutes ago, he had been dead set on killing everyone in sight. Now that the nightmare had worn off, the reality of his situation began to sink in. He was a murderer. He was a MURDERER.

Yannick had practically mauled Robin's upper half. A bent crescent of tooth-shaped wounds ran across her front and back like a bloody crown. The red fluid was still seeping out, though it was no longer pumped by her heart. For this reason, Robin had a deathly pallor, which didn't suit her at all. Robin was the kind of person who was meant to be alive. She had died with her eyes open.

Yannick shivered. Kneeling down beside her, he unfastened the metal bracelet that was no doubt from Wu. Would it be right to bury Robin himself, when he had been the one to kill her? He might not find anyone else to do it for him . . .

Yannick jumped back in alarm when Robin gasped and clenched her fists. She started to breathe rapidly, her muscles twitching at random. Yannick stood up and backed away. How could he have forgotten the PMR? That bracelet must have been made of dysprosium . . .

Should I describe the transformation, or would that gross people out?

'Are you going to compare it to grilled cheese again?'

Ew, no. Fast forward.

When it seemed that Robin was one hundred percent dinosaur, Yannick stepped forward cautiously.

'Robin, are you okay?'

She growled.

'I'm sorry for killing you. But . . . But you're alive now, so no harm done, right? . . .'

She snapped her jaws inches away from his face.

'I can't decide whether you recognize me or not.'

Robin roared angrily.

'Please don't make me hurt you again!'

Yannick stepped backwards as she attacked.

'Stop it, Robin! Stop it! You don't know what you're doing!'

She continued to lash out at him. He shuffled away nervously.

'Robin, please! This isn't like you . . .'

She snarled.

'I mean, yes, you strangled me with an IV cord, but you're usually very nice-'

He cried out as she caught the end of his tail.

'Ow! What's the matter with you? Why won't you get your memories back?'

He hoped that it wouldn't take a murder to snap her out of this. Yannick searched his recollection for something that might help her to remember who she was.

'Robin, listen to me. You work at InGen. You're a scientist. You like that thing with the pig . . . Was it Babe? Gordy? Wait! Charlotte's Web! You like Charlotte's Web!'

She wasn't backing down. Yannick gulped.

'Uh, let's see . . . You're friends with the bambiraptors! Um . . . You like movies . . .'

Robin growled and made another lunge for his tail.

'Ouch! Listen, a few weeks ago, you came up with a brilliant idea to save us from the raptors. We set off the speed radar, just like you do every time you drive . . .'

She barked and grabbed his arm. Yannick shrieked as she pulled him to the ground, stepping on his side to immobilize him.

'Please don't do this, Robin! I know you; you're better than this! You're too nice to kill me!'

She leaned forward and growled.

'You're attractive, bold, bubbly, caring, charming, cheerful, confident, creative, dynamic, energetic, friendly, funny, generous, gentle, honest, imaginative, kind, lively, loyal, optimistic, outgoing, perky, persistent, positive, pretty, proactive, quirky, romantic, sincere, sweet, thoughtful, upbeat, warm, witty, and humble,' he blathered quickly.

'Really?'

Yannick opened his eyes. Robin was staring down at him with a big smile on her face.

He coughed.

'No. I just needed you to stop attacking me.'

'Oh.'

She turned away sadly. Yannick stood up and shook off the dust.

'If I'd known that you could be swayed by a couple of compliments, I don't think I would have taken that fight so seriously. What kind of a person changes their mind because of a stupid compliment?' he huffed.

'Someone who doesn't get compliments very often.'

Yannick felt a twinge of pity as Robin walked away with her head held low. He looked around, then followed her over the hill.

'Where are you going?'

'To find Ellie, Alan, and Ian. They'll be needing my help soon.'

'What? They don't need you!'

Oh, that had come out wrong, hadn't it?

'I mean, what could you possibly do to help them?' Yannick asked, correcting himself, 'You're a dinosaur!'

'I can't let Wu hold them hostage,' she said with determination.

'If you try to save them, you'll be killed!' Yannick barked.

She turned around sharply and stared straight into his eyes.

'I won't stand by while my friends are put in a dangerous situation,' she hissed.

Yannick stepped backwards awkwardly.

'What does it matter to you, anyway?' Robin continued, turning around, 'I'm sure your world would go on turning if I died. You might even show up to dance on my grave!'

Yannick frowned.

'Hey, I don't like you, but that doesn't mean I want you to die.'

'That's not what you would have said ten minutes ago . . .'

Yannick snarled.

'Fine. Be that way. Heartless wench!'

'Misogynistic pig!'

'Attention-seeking bottom-feeder!'

'Filthy low-life!'

'Vile woman!'

'Murderer!'

Yannick shrunk away at the sting of her last insult. He watched as she disappeared over the hill. As much as he hated to admit it, she had a point.

I'd say it's about time for a star-transition, wouldn't you?

'Indubitably.'

***TSJPFEW***

After wandering around for a few hours, Yannick found Robin at the edge of the northern lake. She was sitting in the grass with her chin in the sand. When he got closer, it became clear that something was very wrong. Robin hiccupped and sniffed noisily, and large tears dripped down her dinosaur cheeks. She looked very upset . . .

Perfect! This was his chance to redeem himself!

'Robin? . . .' he said gently.

She turned her head and frowned.

'What are YOU doing here?'

'I'm just checking up on you. Are you okay?'

'I'M A DINOSAUR! And I can't find my friends . . .'

'I'll help you look!' he suggested brightly. Robin snorted.

'You're being awful nice . . .' she said sarcastically. Yannick sat down next to her.

'Am I not usually nice? . . .'

'As a matter of fact, no!' Robin hissed, 'You poisoned my bambiraptors, beat me to a pulp in the clinic, and murdered me in front of my friends!'

Yannick shrunk away.

'I'm sorry . . .'

'Liar! You're not sorry! Why are you even trying to impress me, huh?'

Why WAS he trying to impress her?

'Uh . . .'

'Forget it. Just leave me alone.'

As she turned to leave, Yannick tried his best to come up with a good compliment.

'You're very pretty!'

Okay, so he wasn't exactly James Stuart, but a compliment was a compliment.

'What?' Robin breathed.

'I said . . . you're very pretty.'

She raised an eyebrow.

'Is this some sort of trick?'

Yannick shook his head.

'No. I genuinely mean it.'

She still looked suspicious.

'It's kind of an out-of-nowhere thing to say, don't you think?' she asked rhetorically.

'Maybe . . .'

'It's because I told you that I like compliments, isn't it? I'll bet you just said the first thing that popped into your head . . .'

'No! Not true!' Yannick declared boldly, 'I think you're extremely attractive. And you have a nice smile.'

'Not anymore . . .' she said, displaying her pointy teeth.

'Even now. If there's one person who can pull off the dinosaur look, it's you.'

Robin giggled.

'You talk about it like it's some kind of fashion!'

Yannick smiled coyly.

'Didn't you hear? Yellow is the new black.'

Robin grinned. They walked together across the grassy plains, headed nowhere in particular, but not particularly worried about this fact.

Star-wipe?

'Star-wipe.'

***TSJPFEW***

'So you ate the whole pie?' Robin gasped.

'Well, I didn't really have much of a choice! I was very sick that night . . .'

'Tell me about it! This one time, I drank at least six gallons of eggnog at the Christmas party.'

'I remember that! You were wearing a red dress, right?'

'Yeah, that's the one. It wasn't a very happy party. My date ran off with Trixie,' Robin sighed.

'I'm sorry . . .'

'It's fine. He was an asshole, anyway. I just wish I hadn't spent so long on my hairdo.'

'I thought it looked nice. You should curl your hair more often. If you ever change back, that is.'

Robin stopped walking.

'What do you mean? Don't you think this can be cured?'

Yannick shrugged.

'Who knows? Even if there is a cure, would we be able to get close enough to convince them that we're who we say we are?'

Robin looked away thoughtfully.

'If we find a scarlet macaw, we might be able to morph into a bird like the theropods. We could use their vocal cords to emulate human speech.'

'Robin, you're a genius!'

She seemed taken aback by his words.

'What? . . . Are you okay?' he asked awkwardly.

'No one's ever said that to me before . . .' Robin said with tears in her eyes. Yannick rubbed up against her side.

'Well, they ought to. You have a lot of good ideas.'

The look on Robin's face made him want to compliment her more often.

***TSJPFEW***

By the time the sun had set, they were headed for the western portion of Isla Nublar. There were many large theropods along the trail, but none of them seemed to be hospitable towards their new neighbors.

'Well, it's getting late . . .' Robin sighed with a hint of reluctance.

'Do you have somewhere to be?' Yannick ventured.

She shrugged.

'I guess not. I mean, the others are probably fine . . .'

'Yeah. I can't imagine they'd get into too much trouble. Nothing worse than me, at least.'

Robin poked him.

'Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. I went a little crazy, too.'

Yannick smiled.

'Thanks. And I really am sorry.'

What is this, a romantic comedy? I mean, yeesh! I've seen less sap on a poplar!

'Shut up and watch.'

Do I have to? I already know that they end up together . . .

'This is important.'

It really isn't, though. If I wanted to delve into the romcom aesthetic, I'd watch a Meg Ryan movie.

'But you modeled Robin after Meg Ryan, did you not?'

Well, yeah, but I don't see how any of this is helping my quixotic tolerance. I mean, when are they going to teach me a lesson?

Let's see. Fast forward, and . . .

They're catching a bird.

. . .

Frolicking in the fields.

. . .

BLECH! I did NOT need to see that!

. . .

Next day.

. . .

Swimming in the lake.

. . .

Blah, blah, blah.

. . .

Next Day.

. . .

And that's where Charlie shows up. See? Nothing interesting.

'Perhaps you would like to see another couple?'

Who? Alan and Ellie? We already covered that!

'No. Someone more familiar . . .'

I have a bad feeling about this . . . Are we going somewhere depressing?

'Not exactly. One might even say that it's the happiest place on Earth . . .'

I don't like where this is going . . .

'Follow.'

***TSJPFEW***

Alright, I recognize this place. This is Main Street in Disneyland. And I know who we're watching. There I am, by Esmeralda's fortune-telling booth. Creepy thing. Anyway, Desmond's there too. I spent my last two quarters on a fortune for each of us.

'Do you remember what yours said?'

Yeah, "You have had a lot of trouble, for which others are largely responsible, but you are now reaching a point when you will be able by your own efforts, to control your own affairs. You are not easily understood, as you keep much to yourself. You are fond of fine arts and like to be alone a great deal. You sometimes have a desire to destroy things, especially in your young days, for which you are sorry afterward. Be careful when the figure 7 appears on any money transaction, and keep your eyes open to some of your 'would be' friends." I guess it was accurate, after all. Still, at the time, he was rather charming . . .

'How so?'

Well, we had just boarded the train, which passed through that dinosaur display- you know the one. Anyway, while we were waiting at the station, he sort of put his head on mine . . .

'And he asked you to partake in a relationship?'

No, no. That comes about . . . now. See? He's asking me if I want to "take things from here", since we've "been friends for a while". I'd ask myself later if I had misunderstood him. I was kind of insecure . . .

'You're both leaving.'

So we are. You'd better run, little chickies. Your teacher won't be too happy . . .

'You're on a school trip?'

Yeah. For band. Desmond convinced me to sneak away from the group. I suspected something, mind you, but I never let myself hope . . .

'Did you try to instigate it?'

I was very flirtatious, perhaps even obnoxiously so. I guess that was a running theme in our relationship: I'd make a fool of myself, he'd pressure me into something, I'd resist for a while, he'd make me give in, I'd find myself in a real pickle. Ha! That's the best pickle I ever heard . . .

'Follow.'

Are we leaving, so soon?

'Would you prefer to stay longer?'

I guess not . . .

'Follow.'

***TSJPFEW***

I don't remember ever visiting the hospital . . .

'This memory isn't yours.'

Ah. So that must mean- . . . Yup, it's Ian.

'Go ahead. Narrate.'

Ian Malcolm lay dismally in the hospital bed with his leg propped up in the air. He rolled a pencil down his cast to entertain himself, but it fell to the floor. He sighed and looked out the window. It was nice of the nurses to give him a view, but all he could see from this particular angle was the roof. The patient next to him wasn't any more interesting, in fact, he was snoring like a chainsaw. Ian rolled his eyes.

The pain in his leg was problematic, as it was bad enough to keep him awake, but numb enough that he wouldn't require another dose of morphine for an hour or so. He could see why people got hooked on the stuff: it was like dancing on rainbows. The first injection had made him wish that he could break his leg more often. When the drugs wore off, however, he didn't really know whether being alive was such a good thing. Pain had a way of spoiling any scenario, even when that particular scenario involved the worst kind of boredom.

Ian was about to start plucking the sunflower beside his bed, but the nurse came in unexpectedly and gave him a look of warning. He placed the flower back in its vase and smiled innocently.

"Good morning."

The nurse popped her bubblegum and gave him a sardonic look. Ian held his smile.

"You have a visitor."

Ian raised his eyebrows. Grant and Sattler had been too busy with paperwork to visit him, and they certainly wouldn't fly down in the middle of a dig. Who would want to see him in this condition? Maybe it was a lawyer . . .

The woman who stepped into the room was not a lawyer, however. She was dressed in casual attire, and her red hair had been pulled back into a thick ponytail. She grabbed a chair and sat by Ian's bed.

"I heard about your accident," she said smoothly.

"Accident? Is that what they're saying?" Ian chuckled cryptically.

"Was this done on purpose?" the woman asked, examining his leg. Ian shrugged.

"Well, if you can consider the disregard of valid warnings to be on par with doing something on purpose, then yes, I guess you could say something like that . . ."

"Dr. Malcolm, I'm going to be direct with you."

"Aren't you supposed to wait for the second date?" Ian asked coyly.

She gave him a funny look.

"Never mind. I've just had a little morphine-"

"You were involved with InGen, correct?"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say- I mean, they called me over for a testimonial-"

"Of what?"

Ian smiled.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

She didn't enjoy his quip.

"I have reason to believe that InGen has been using sophisticated genetic technology to restore the DNA of extinct fauna-"

"They made dinosaurs, yes."

Her eyes went wide.

"So, it's true?"

Ian snorted.

"Trust me, it's not as exciting as it sounds. Unless you have a death wish, I strongly recommend that you forget about the whole thing."

"What happened to your leg?"

"T-Rex."

"They have a T-Rex?"

"Oh, yes."

She grabbed his leg and flipped it over.

"Ah! Ooh! Stop it! What are you doing?"

She ran her fingers along the exposed wounds.

"These marks are from tyrannosaurus teeth. You're telling the truth . . ."

"Yes. Without a doubt. Now please put down my l-"

She turned it over again. Ian winced.

"Why didn't it finish the job?"

"I assume it had a craving for lawyer . . ." Ian said painfully.

"Someone died?" she gasped.

Ian nodded.

"Yeah, three people. Four, if you keep turning my l- OW!"

She dropped his leg unceremoniously. Ian cringed and breathed rapidly as the wound began to pang.

"Was it a compound fracture?"

"Jesus, woman . . ."

"Was it a compound fracture?" she asked, a little more firmly. Ian sighed.

"Yes, it was a compound fracture. Any more questions?"

She sat down and held her forehead.

"Hundreds."

"Alright," Ian sighed, "Let's get started."

***TSJPFEW***

For the next few days, Sarah Harding visited on a regular basis. Ian would answer her questions, then answer them again when she needed confirmation, then wonder what the hell she was asking, then answer for a third time. She was tenacious, this woman, and more than a little unsympathetic. Even worse, she was immune to his masculine charm.

"See, I told them that it would go wrong, this little science experiment of theirs, but they wouldn't listen. It's chaos theory, see? Hold out your hand. You take a drop of water-"

She yanked her hand away.

"So you could tell that the Rex was coming because of the tremors it caused when it moved around?" she asked pointedly. Ian gave a sigh of defeat.

"For the billionth time, yes. Don't you have any other-"

"How far did it have to be?"

"How should I know? I didn't have a ruler!" Ian snapped.

"Approximately, though. How much?" she persisted.

"Look, when you're being chased by a dinosaur, you don't pay attention to how far it is. All you need to know is that it's out of biting-range."

Sarah frowned. She slid her chair away and grabbed her bag.

"It's obvious you won't tell me anything of value. Goodbye, Dr. Malcolm."

"Toodle-oo!" he hooted, waving his fingers mockingly.

She stood up and walked out the d-

Wait a minute, why is she leaving?

'She wants answers.'

Yeah, but she's coming back, right? I mean, she has to . . .

'Why?'

Well, you know how the story goes . . .

'Do we?'

I'm getting real sick of your shit.

'She's almost out of the wing . . .'

So stop her!

'Why don't YOU stop her?'

Isn't this a memory? You can't rewrite a memory!

'Can't you?'

Oh, shut up!

As Sarah walked down the hall, she paused briefly, then turned around. She headed back for Ian's room as though some unseen force was guiding her.

Yeah, unseen, my ass!

Ian, who had been fiddling with his nails, looked up in surprise as she reentered.

"I thought you were gone."

"No . . ."

"Why'd you come back?"

"I don't know."

And that was all it took.

For the next month, Sarah found excuses to visit Ian, even when she had nothing more to ask. They continued to see each other after he was released from the hospital, though they were sometimes aloof for long periods of time. Only two of these instances stood out, one of which Ian didn't remember, and the other, one that neither of them could ever forget. These, and many more adventures, may not have ever come to be if Sarah had decided to go through with her departure.

So, you're welcome, assholes.

***TSJPFEW***

Where are we now?

'You know.'

I do know. This is the field behind my old school. There's a giant inflatable movie screen on one end, so this must be the day they screened "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". Here I come, down the hill over there. All alone. Abandoned.

'You seem upset.'

I am. This was the third time Desmond ditched me to please his stupid prefect council. I lost nine elections, you know. Well, eight plus that time I ran for prefect. It's all the same. And he knew how I felt about it. He knew. I hope he's proud. Those prefects really stood up for him.

'Is that sarcasm?'

Yes. He made me feel like shit whenever I was around the council. He blew me off like I was some sort of pariah. I guess I kind of was. The school hated me, though I did my best to lend my talents to the community.

'That sounds a bit pompous . . .'

Try losing nine elections. See how YOU take it. Anyway, I don't hate everything about the school. Some of the prefects were kind to me, others not. It was a mixed bag, really. 'Course, most people didn't quite understand me. They took my work WAY too literally.

'How so?'

Oh, thinking that it was autobiographical, things like that. I guess no one ever told them that the author is NEVER the narrator.

'Even when it is stated?'

Even then. To say that an author is recounting life experiences as the narrator assumes that they have no creative properties. On top of that, there's the unreliable nature of a biased storyteller . . . Why are we even talking about this? This isn't English class! We're focusing on that slimebag, not me!

'So, what is he doing now?'

He's bringing me candy. I guess he realized that he was being an asshole. But that still doesn't excuse his behavior. Especially since he continued to shrug me off . . .

'Would you like to leave?'

Please. I don't think I can take any more of this.

'We will send you home.'

***TSJPFEW***

Love is a funny thing. It-

. . .

Love is a wonderful emotion, because-

. . .

Love is the root of-

. . .

Love is . . .

. . .

Love is . . .

The Troödon were right, weren't they? I'm not qualified to write about love; I'm just a grumpy teenager without any real experience in relationships. How am I supposed to keep my petty emotions out of this? I've never been in love. Never. Maybe I never will be . . .

I guess I know what love is supposed to be. You have to put your all into the relationship, or it is destined to fail. There's a limit, of course. I let myself get pushed around too much, that was my mistake. I'm not bold. I don't make decisions. Hell, I can't even order a bowl of soup without getting nervous.

Well, next time, I won't screw it up. I'll find a nice guy who won't shrug me off for some stupid political reason. He'll compliment me. He won't leave me. He'll have everything I was missing last time.

And yet . . .

What if there isn't someone out there for me? Are some people destined to die alone? I'm not the kind of person who can live their life without love. I'm dependent, I'm needy, I'm difficult . . .

And I don't even know what love is.

'We beg to differ.'

***TSJPFEW***

'This is a small Albertan town called Drumheller. This is where it all began. You had been thinking about writing something new, something extraordinary, but you didn't know what to do. You were with Desmond. As you drove past The World's Largest Dinosaur, you said-'

"Do you ever wonder how far you can stretch reality?"

'He said-'

"What?"

'You said-'

"Expectations, I mean. Plausibility. When does something become too silly for a person to take?"

'He said-'

"I don't know what you mean."

'You said-'

"I think it's time to write the silliest thing I can imagine."

'He said-'

"What would that be?"

'You said-'

"What do you think would happen if Ellie Sattler turned into a T-Rex?"

'And that was all it took. From then on, you were a woman possessed. You asked Desmond to help you write certain passages. Sometimes he'd accept, more often, he'd decline. Desmond is woven into this text, like many of your past mistakes. Yes, he left you, but look at what you've created. You took the silliest idea ever conceived and turned it into something that others can enjoy. THAT is love.'

You make a good point, but I'm afraid that I can't accept your closing monologue.

'Why not? Is it not a good way to end the story?'

Yes, it would be a good way to end the story. Problem is, we've only just begun . . .