Intoxication: powerful excitement of the mind or emotions.
Merle is back with his public access show Tarnation.
The studio set was the same: two recliners, a table between them and a refrigerator beneath the table. Glenn's workstation was in the corner, screened from view and out of camera range.
"Welcome to Tarnation. I'm Merle Dixon and this here is my brother Daryl. He was on my very first show but you might not remember since he took off so quick." Merle turned to Daryl. "You gonna stick this time or are you planning to leave in a snit again?"
"Depends what you say."
"You got no cause for complaint. I got you and Glenn together last time. Who knows what I might do for you this time?"
"For me or to me. That's what I'm afraid of."
"Show a little gratitude."
"All right, I owe you," Daryl said grudgingly. "That's why I showed up tonight. What am I doing here?"
"I wanna talk about our day job."
"You mean the business I run practically single-handed now that you've got this Tarnation gig?"
"What a whiner. Tarnation has brought in customers."
"Exactly my point. I'm busy and you're hardly ever around."
"Well, I'm gonna do my part now. I got ideas for some new flavors." Merle turned back to the camera. "For folks who don't know, we own and operate Liquored Up, making alcoholic ice cream. Stop in and try our scoops with spirits!"
"So what are these new flavors?"
"Three of them in honor of the presidential election. Things are heating up now that the finalists are chose."
"They're nominees not beauty contestants. And when did you start caring about politics?"
"Since I got a Hometown Media award. I owe it to my viewers to stay on top of things."
Daryl rolled his eyes. "By making ice cream?"
"That's just the hook. I'm gonna talk about the issues on Tarnation right through the election."
"You're pretty good at coming up with flavors. Not sure I can say the same for your take on the issues."
"It's true I don't follow them, but I'll invite other folks."
"What's the first flavor?"
"An all-American theme: Red, White & Blueberry. Start with white chocolate liqueur base. Blueberries of course. What should we do for the red?"
"A grenadine ripple would look pretty."
"And taste good. That's one down. The second one I call Govermint."
"What!?" Glenn appeared on the set looking worried. "Another mint flavor? Are you retiring our flavor?"
"Course not," Merle replied. "Mint to Be is a big seller."
"But do you need another mint flavor?"
"They're different." Merle looked at Daryl. "He don't know much about drinks, does he?"
"Not a drinker," Daryl agreed. "But he has other talents."
"Lemme explain," Merle said. "You heard of mint julep?"
Glenn nodded.
"Well, Mint to Be is a mint julep. Daryl is the smoky bourbon base and you're the river of virgin mint running through it. And by virgin I mean non-alcoholic since I assume your virginity ship got hit by an iceberg and sunk some time ago."
"If by iceberg you mean my dick," Daryl said. "I wasn't the first."
"But you're the best," Glenn said.
Merle shook his head. "I shouldn't have brung up the iceberg. Let's get back to ice cream. Govermint will be a Bailey's Irish Cream base with crème de Menthe swirl."
"How about chocolate shavings?" Daryl suggested.
"Nailed it," Merle said. "You always add the right touch."
"That's what he says." Daryl tipped his head at Glenn.
"There's an 'N' in government," Glenn said.
"And there's no 'I'," Merle said. "The flavor needs a funny spelling."
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure the misspelling was deliberate not, you know, accidental."
"Fair point, spelling ain't my strong suit. The third flavor is my personal favorite: Impeached."
Daryl and Glenn were silent. They looked at each other. Glenn's look said that since he challenged Merle about spelling, it was Daryl's turn.
"Aren't you jumping the gun?" Daryl asked. "Nobody's been elected yet."
Merle thought about this. "You may be right. No matter who wins, somebody'll be calling for impeachment pretty soon after the inauguration. We can save Impeached and roll it out then."
Daryl nodded. "You thinking a peach brandy base?"
"Yep. Marbled with brown sugar and ginger cookie crumbles."
"That sounds real good," Daryl said. "How about we start with Red, White & Blueberry? I can work on the recipe tomorrow and bring it out next week. Save Govermint for the election and Impeached for the first impeachment headline."
"We need some new nonpolitical flavors," Merle said.
"I got two in mind," Daryl offered up. "Carmel-by-the-Sea-Salt. Caramel cream liqueur with crystallized caramel and sea salt sprinkles."
"Sounds like a winner. Everybody's crazy for caramel and sea salt. What's the other one?"
"Amaretto by Morning. Amaretto cream base with an orange liqueur ribbon. That's the morning part."
"What a way to start the day!"
"With me tonight is Dale Horvath, just back from a trip cross country. Glad to see your RV got you home safe."
"She doesn't look like much but she's reliable. Jim checked her out before I took off."
"You been gone three or four months, all through the campaign. Tell me about the mood in these United States."
"I've lived through a lot of elections but this one is stirring people up more than I ever recall. And for two of the worst candidates in history."
"Who's gonna win? The media appears to be for Clinton."
"I believe the mainstream media is overlooking secret support of Trump. But I've given up predicting these things."
"What's the first presidential election you voted in?"
"Nixon versus McGovern in 1972." Dale was glum. "I voted for Nixon."
"Ouch! That didn't end well."
"Tonight my guest is Father Gabriel Stokes. Wanna start us off with a word of prayer?"
"Seriously?"
"Why not? Can't hurt, might help."
"Heavenly Father, thank you for the gifts bestowed upon us. May the Spirit be with us and guide us in our talk this evening. In Jesus' name, amen."
"Amen," Merle echoed. "What's the religious community think of this election and these candidates?"
"I can't speak to that. Religion and politics are widely accepted as the two most divisive subjects. Putting them together brings out the worst in people."
"I thought the Pope and Catholics liked to get into politics ever since JFK."
Father Gabriel stared at Merle. "I'm Episcopalian."
"Is there a big difference?"
Father Gabriel closed his eyes and murmured, "Give me strength." He opened his eyes. "Merle, were you honestly unaware that I am an Episcopalian priest, not Roman Catholic?"
"Let's say I wasn't. Enlighten me."
"We don't have time for a detailed discussion of doctrine. I would be happy to meet with you privately."
"I gotta admit I'm not that interested. What about rules? Do you have to be poor and give up sex?"
"Monks and nuns take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. Priests may marry but it's expected that we practice obedience and not take too great an interest in the laying up of worldly goods."
"Seems like a helpmeet would be an asset to a churchman."
"The traditional role of a pastor's wife has become obsolete in the last few decades but yes, a wife and husband should support each other in their work."
"I'm a matchmaker with three successes. Want to be number four?"
"Who have you set up?"
"Daryl and Glenn, Rick and Michonne, me and Andrea."
"That is impressive. Parish work keeps me busy and there appears to be no one for me within the church community. I'm almost inclined to let you try."
"What have you got to lose?"
"My dignity, my church, my faith."
"You left out sexual frustration."
"This week Carol Peletier is here to tell us her views on the candidates. Who you gonna vote for?"
"I won't be voting for someone, I'll be voting against someone."
"Lesser of two evils, huh? So which one is evilest?"
"Well, I despise Trump's attitude and treatment of women."
"Understandable. I heard you had a bad marriage."
"Ed is dead and best forgotten."
"Fine by me. What about Clinton?"
"That's what makes it a difficult decision. I'd like to vote for a woman but maybe not this woman."
"You think a woman can do the job?"
"It's not even a question. It's past time for a woman to have the chance. A woman would be no worse than a man and we've survived all of them."
"Are you a church-going widow?"
"What does that have to do …" Carol glared at Merle. "I like Father Gabriel but do not want to date him."
"You heard? Word gets around fast."
"Is that why you invited me on your show?"
"Just checking out possibilities."
"Making a return appearance is Sheriff Rick Grimes. How's Judith?" Merle asked.
"Uh … she's fine. Growing fast."
"And Michonne. How's that going?"
"Real well. I owe you for getting us together. She's with Judith tonight."
"So Carl got out of babysitting again."
"Well, he's a teenager. Thanks for asking after the family, Merle. I figured you got me down here to talk politics."
"I did. Who you gonna vote for?"
"It's private," Rick replied. "That's why there's a secret ballot."
"Shouldn't us citizens know who our sheriff supports?"
"I'll support the winner no matter who I vote for."
"I'm in favor of newspapers and public officials declaring themselves."
"I'm pretty sure my endorsement wouldn't affect a presidential election."
"Did you run for sheriff as a Democrat or a Republican?"
"I ran for law and order."
"You're a hard nut to crack. What happened to owing me?"
Rick sighed. "I won't say who I'm voting for but I'm registered as Independent."
"What a weasel," Merle said with disgust.
"Rosita Espinosa is here to give us the benefit of her perspective. Are you Hispanic or Latina?"
"Hispanic-American."
"Legal?"
"Yes, I took a test to become a citizen. Which you could not pass."
"I don't disagree. But enough about me. What do you think of the wall idea?"
"I'm not going to discuss politics."
"There's a lot of that going around. What about romance? You ready for a new man in your life after getting dumped twice?"
"Abraham dumped me but I broke it off with Spencer."
"Better get your stories straight because that's not what he's saying."
"What!? It was definitely me. And he's been sniffing around ever since. He asked me to dinner tomorrow night and I agreed."
"I'd say he wants to get back together so he can dump you."
"I will disembowel that smug bastard." Rosita was so mad she was practically spitting.
"Sounds like you need counseling. I recommend Father Gabriel."
"Andrea Harrison is back tonight, and she's one smart lawyer. Tell us about the political landscape."
"Absolutely not. I told you I wouldn't talk politics."
"Thought you might change your mind once you got here."
"Why would you think that?"
"You changed your mind about me."
"No, I just decided to accept the consequences."
"That's good enough for me."
"Who are you going to vote for?" Andrea asked.
"As a television personality, I maintain neutrality by not voting."
Andrea snorted. "You're not registered, are you?"
"Nope. Not being on the voter rolls cuts down on calls and mail."
"I have a question: Why haven't you created an ice cream flavor for us?"
"I'm having trouble coming up with something special for you, Sugar."
"Well, I wouldn't be able to try it anyway."
"You love our alcoholic ice cream."
"Not for the next nine months."
Merle took this in. "Are you telling me …?"
Andrea nodded. "I'm knocked up."
"Eugene Porter is my guest tonight …"
Eugene interrupted. "Congratulations on impregnating Andrea. I entertained hopes in her direction at one time."
"If you're still looking, how about Maggie Greene?"
"My attention has lately been focused on Rosita Espinosa."
"I was thinking of Father Gabriel for her."
"I am not convinced they would be a good match."
"Maybe not. Tell you what, I'll steer Rosita your way and send Maggie to church. Now, you're here to let us know where you stand on the election and the issues."
"That is incorrect. I am here because I was promised a koozie and a coupon for a free scoop of ice cream."
"Don't I get anything in return for the bribery?"
"Politics is a volatile subject and I do not possess the equilibrium to discuss it with composure."
Merle shook his head. "And I wouldn't understand if you did. Here's your koozie and coupon."
Eugene clomped out satisfied.
"Glenn, come out here," Merle called.
Glenn appeared.
"Sit down. Eugene was a bust so you're my guest tonight."
"Honored, I'm sure." Glenn's dry tone said the opposite.
"Nobody'll come on the show until the election is over. I thought folks would like to talk about something important but everybody's been cagey as hell."
"Tarnation gets a lot of viewers. Maybe it's too public a forum for politics among friends."
"What have you been up to?"
"Classes."
"You graduated last spring."
"I'm in grad school now."
"Does Daryl mind you being a professional student?"
"He likes it. He calls me College Boy."
"I didn't know my brother had a kink for education."
"It's not his only kink."
"Say no more. How come you don't drink?"
"I don't need to drink. Daryl intoxicates me."
"That works?" Merle asked.
Glenn was confused. "What works?"
"Daryl drinks, you blow him and get a buzz."
Glenn turned red. "Can that happen?"
"I asked first. You said you got drunk on Daryl."
"That's not what I meant! I was speaking figuratively, like drowning in his eyes."
"Huh. You gonna try the other way?"
" … Maybe."
"I don't have a guest tonight. Glenn said him and Daryl have a surprise for me."
Daryl came onto the set carrying a small tub and a bottle. Glenn followed with spoons and bowls.
"We made a flavor for you and Andrea," Daryl announced.
Daryl scooped a large dip from the tub into each bowl. Glenn opened the bottle and poured some over the ice cream. They dug in.
"This is my beer brand in ice cream," Merle said approvingly. "With champagne."
"Prosecco is good, too," Daryl said. "But champagne suits Andrea. I'm trying to make a champagne syrup we could swirl through the ice cream but I haven't got it right yet."
"I like it poured on top. And Andrea likes to be on top. What's it called?"
"We can't decide," Glenn said. "Uptown Girl & Downtown Man is too long."
"Beer and Bubbles might work," Daryl added.
"I'll give it some thought," Merle said. "But I'm busy with baby names right now."