I'm sorry for late update, but school started in the meantime *frown*. Anyway, I have a few things to say about this chapter - it captures a wider range of time, shows us glipses of Victoria's life and so, because I didn't want to just throw in that Mark and Addison have a disabled daughter because it makes good drama. I really tried to show a little of what living with disability is like. The AU part for the sake of the story - Derek DID decide to take the job in Washington D.C. Also, I mention that Owen ended up with Teddy (who came back in the meantime), because the small part of me still hopes it might happen. One more thing - do you remember that Mark has one other speciality besides plastics? :D
About the title - it's a lyric from Mine Again by Black Lab and I wasn't too sure about using this one because neither Mark or Addison strike me as really religious. But than I remembered 7x18 Song Beneath the Song and the scene with Mark and Arizona sitting in the gallery. Arizona says: "Maybe we should say a prayer. Callie would want us to pray," and Mark replies: "I haven't stop praying since yesterday." And think with that I fell in love with him all over again. ;)
I will dream, I will pray
Life goes on. The world never stops turning. Victoria never starts toddling like other kids her age. But eventually you stop crying. It still hurts when you see children running around in the park, when you ocassionally treat cases of babies who remind you of your own daughter, when she asks why other kids are able to do this or that and she isn't and...it just still hurts. But the doctor in you and more importantly the loving mother who wants the best for her children just knows lamenting and whining won't get you anywhere. You live in this large spacious house Mark found mere two months after Victoria was born and the person who loves it the most is Henry because he has one entire room dedicated to his large track for toy cars and his other playthings. Victoria gets her first wheelchair when she's two and a half and it breaks your heart when she realizes that – unlike when she was in the stroller – if she spins the wheels she can move by herself, and she doesn't want to be pushed anymore. Of course, it never lasts long because spinning the wheels is quite demanding and her arms aren't that strong, but still...what is heartbreaking in a way is her desire for independence when all you wanna do is protect her from every threat in the world. You know every mother feels that way about her children, it's just that Victoria is so little. She's disabled...and vulnerable... She is the child you've longed for since like forever and she looks so much like you. You just can't help it, you are scared 95 % of all time. Those 5 are mostly moments when you are in Mark's arms because there is no place in this world that is more comfortable or where you feel more safe and secure. And Mark is...you think he might be the best father in the world. He drives Henry to his soccer practises twice a week. When he has a free weekend Sofia is always at your household or he goes somewhere with her. Often taking also Henry and Victoria and sometimes Zola, Bailey and well, Derek with him. Because uh, 5 kids are a lot to take care of. And you must not forget that there are also Jackson and April's daughter Cara, Alex and Jo's Chloe, Bailey's son Tuck or Owen and Teddy's Benjamin. In other words, this hospital's second generation is slowly blooming. That isn't to say you don't struggle...with a lot of things. Because you do and so do your friends in their own lives.
This particular example is from years ago, but it's when you told yourself that Derek is beyond reclaim. You and Mark were getting married and Derek rather crashed his car so he didn't have to attend the wedding. At least, it is one of favourite jokes amongst the doctors at GMH. But that's not the point.
Derek isn't even out of the hospital bed yet and already he's making arrangements for his work in Washington D.C. He has decided to go there and spend some time working on the brain-mapping project for the president. And when you hear that, you nearly fly out of your skin.
"Derek! What the hell are you doing?!"
"Addison, calm down! Now what is happening and why on Earth are you screaming? I'm a patient, you know."
"Derek... you are an asshole, you know. This...this what you are doing to Meredith...oh, for the sake of...you have two kids!" You are boiling with rage. And you know very well why.
And he starts getting what you're talking about, but that doesn't mean his brainless head understands your motives.
"Seriously, Addison? Talking to me about my marriage to Meredith? Do you really wanna go there?!"
"You know what? I really do! Because this is painfully familiar! You with your work and important career and all that bullshit! It is painfully familiar!"
"You...you DIDN'T just play that card! Because seriously if you wanna bring up OUR marriage, let me tell you..."
"What, how your indifference threw me into the arms of your best friend?! ...Not that you should be complaining though. I'm not either, to be honest. But you and Meredith have two kids!"
"I'm very well aware of that, thanks! Now whatever is your problem, just stay the hell out of it and let us deal with it on our own!"
"My problem is that I can't! Because Meredith is freakin' my friend and I've been where she is and this, Derek, the way you are treating her...that's a load of crap!"
"You know, you are insane when you're pregnant! I've seen a lot of ridiculous things in my life, but you making this scene might have just trumped them all."
"You...you know?" You are caught off guard, because you kinda thought Derek was too self-obsessed to even notice your rounded stomach. But maybe you underestimated him. Or maybe Meredith just told him, though it's hard to imagine Meredith and Derek sitting at home and casually talking about you out of all subjects.
"Mark told me."
Yeah, then it's all understood, you think with a smirk and when you put your hand on your 4 months pregnant belly, Derek smiles genuingly and says:
"Congratulations, Addie."
"Thanks. ...Oh, and that doesn't mean anything I just said is any less true!"
Oh how the years go by
Oh how the love brings tears to my eyes
All through the changes the sould never dies
We fight, we laugh, we cry
As the years go by
(Amy Grant - Oh How the Years Go By)
Derek and Meredith fight some more about it, some more people give Derek a piece of their mind about the subject (you particularly enjoy hearing the one by Bailey) and with time it all sorts out somehow. But you don't really pay attention anymore, because you have bigger things to worry about. The little readheaded girl with eyes in which you can get lost so easily because they are exactly like Mark's. The girl who's development is slower at first, but by the time she's one and a half she catches up with her peers. Your daughter who is so amazing and you love her so much it brings tears into your eyes. The first time her thights weekly grasp your torso while you are holding her, you nearly cry with happiness, because that means she feels something at least in her upper legs and they aren't completely paralyzed. The same happens the first time she asks for a potty, because you have learned about the cases of paraplegia (and you have been studying about it A LOT for the past two years - much more than about any other medical condition ever) that have to wear diapers for their whole life.
Victoria goes to physical therapy twice a week and suddenly she's three, sitting in a wheelchair with colorfull seat and back, each wheel covered with a big picture of a puppy so she associates it with something good, and ready for preschool (well, a special preschool for disabled kids, because she needs particular spacial adaptations and also, sending her to the group of perfectly healthy kids who don't yet have the mental capacity to understand why the wheels are helping her move and why she isn't able to do something would be incredibly cruel).
Of course you knew it would have to come once, since both her parents are surgeons with quite demanding schedules, but it still breaks your heart and you feel like a horrible mother when you hire Victoria's first personal assistant – a nursing student Emma who drives her to preschool and back home and helps her with everything that is harder for her to do because of her disability. Plus at this age she's a nanny too.
She also takes care of Henry sometimes when you and Mark can't work out your schedules any other way. And when you look at Henry you are just amazed, because he is such a big boy already. And one day you find yourself standing in front of the elementary school building and you wave him with tears in your eyes as he goes inside. And the other day Mark's making a shelf in Henry's room so he has place for all his soccer diplomas and cups and Victoria comes and nudges you:
"Mom, how do I look? I borrowed your headband. And can you paint my nails? It's Sofi's birthday tomorrow and I wanna be pretty!"
You have to laugh at your five year old daughter, but at the same time you feel like the proudest mother in the world.
###
From what you remember you always believed God exists somewhere, but you weren't much of a religious man. But that was before you had kids and before all those things happened to your loved ones – Callie and Sofia nearly dying in a car crash, Lexie actually dying in a plane crash, you almost biting the dust too...but thanks to the people around you and thanks to His grace finding the strenght to live on and realizing you still had so much more to live for. It was before Henry called you dad for the first time, you felt so proud and you knew you wanted to be there for this boy for as long as you could. It was before Addison accepted your proposal and told you she was pregnant and you felt like the luckiest man in the world. It was before you married the love of your life and realized that although you had both messed it up more than enough times, it was God's plan all along (it is a hard concept to grasp, with you commiting an adultery, betraying your brother and all that, which you still feel ashamed of – you know you should've done it differently...but Derek has forgiven you long ago and you like to believe God has too). It was before you had a daughter who's sick, but can't be more amazing and you remembered the words written in Bible: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. And you did just that. Now everytime you pray you can thank Him that Victoria pulled through every surgery she's had so far, that despite her disability she's a happy child and she's totally great because when you first heard her say to Bailey (Bailey Shepherd, not Miranda Bailey – well, it still sounds weird to you):
"You forgot something."
"What?"
"A smile," you only made sure you are the luckiest man in the world.
She's loved dogs for as long as she could remember and she keeps asking for one. It's in every Christmas wishlist and you'd happily give her everything in the world, but a dog...apart from things all the parents tell their kids like "It's time consuming, the dog would just have to be staying at home all day and it kind of defects the purpose, taking care of a dog is a big responsibility" and all that, there is also the fact that Victoria's disabled and she really shouldn't worry about taking care of a pet when she is the one who should be taken care of. But one day there suddenly comes an answer you've been waiting for.
Your other speciality otorinolaryngology doesn't usually provide many surgeries to work on, but this middle-aged man is a classic case of chronic sinusitis that has exhausted all options of medicamentous treatment. He comes for a FESS (functional endonasal surgery of sinuses) to remove nasal polyps, cysts and damaged mocous membrane. Pretty easy fix for you, but the point is that when his wife comes to visit him or when he calls with her and you are somewhere near, you hear things like:
"Yeah Edna, don't worry. I'll be back for Tasha's exam next week. In the meantime, please just train all the commands with her some more, especially finding the place in the bus and also free bench in the park or something. Yeah, I'm glad Max and Sam are good...you were at the vet with Sam yesterday, right? That family seriously can't wait for him to pass the exams and come to them already...he'll be a perfect help for their son, what's his name? ...Okay, whatever. Bill's hopefully bringing the new badge of granules tommorow, please take them and pay him, okay? ...Fine, I gotta convince those doctors to operate on me already, so I'm home soon. ...Bye for now."
For one particular reason it really interests you.
"May I ask, are you...like a dog's trainer or something?"
"Yeah, training guide dogs, assistance dogs..."
"Sorry, assistance dogs?"
"You know, like dogs for people with bad balance, they help them walk. Usually large breeds like giant schnauzer or standard poodle. Then there are dogs who help people in wheelchairs. Breeds like these or bernese mountain dogs, retrievers..."
And it all gets even more interesting.
"And...how exactly do dogs help people in wheelchairs?"
"They go with them everywhere, like work, school or wherever else...you know, they bring their owners things, they help them remove their shoes or socks, transport safely, across the road and so, they help opening the door...and things like that. Why?"
"A dog can do all this?"
"Well yeah, a trained dog can. Again, why?"
You close the chart and sit on the chair next to his bed.
"Cos my daughter keeps asking for a dog, but I always dismiss it, you know, I don't think she could take care of a dog..."
"Hm, that's classic approach of a parent. But believe me, nothing and I mean nothing, will teach a kid responsibility better than taking care of a dog. Plus, it's a really great friend."
"My point is...my daughter is in a wheelchair. Do you...do you think an assistance dog could be a good option for her?"
"Oh... Well, that depends on many things. How old is your daughter?"
"A second grader. Well...eight. Is that...huh, you probably wouldn't give a dog to someone this young..."
"I don't have a problem with training a dog for a child. There would be some specifics, but I could do it...though like I said, there are many other things. Are you considering it for your daughter?"
"Well, I don't know, I just found out something like assistance dog exists. But it definitely sounds like a fair option," you suddenly slap your forehead, "But I have to talk to my wife first," you say uncertainly, "That could be a problem."
He just chuckles, takes a paper and a pencil and writes down his phone number.
You take the paper and just like that, he isn't just another patient to you, he's David Harlow, the dog's trainer who could give Victoria's life a whole new dimension. And when you come home that day you are smiling from ear to ear and Addie is very curious what you're so happy about.
"Later, I will tell you later," you reply everytime she asks and she even starts getting a little suspicious. But after she puts Victoria to sleep and is getting ready for bed herself, you start:
"Addie, you know, the thing I said I would tell you later about..."
She rolls her eyes:
"I'm not sure I wanna know, thanks."
Now if your eyebrows could fly up to the ceiling they certainly would.
"What do you think of me?! ...Whatever, I think I might have found an answer we've been waiting for...I just didn't wanna say that in front of Vicky. This could be a great surprise for her."
And you tell Addie everything. At first she looks at you like you are insane, uncertainly and disbelievingly, but later as you are lying in bed together, her fingers running across your chest and her hair shivering you on your neck, she speaks:
"What you said about this...assistance dog thing...I think I'd like to find out more about it. Do you think you can call this Mr. Harlow to come meet us sometime, explain some more and maybe also bring one of the dogs he has in training with him? So we see how it really works or something?"
"Addie...so you're considering it?" you ask with a big smile.
"Well, I don't know, today I found out something like assistance dog exists," she laughs and you have to join her because of the striking resemblance this conversation has to the one you had with David.
And a few days later you two meet at the park with David, his wife Edna, golden retriever Sam and german shepherd Max and you feel like Addie is totally grilling them with her questions, but they are probably used to this kind of behavior. They are very friendly, they say that when they get a new puppy from breeding station for training, they will contact you and they would also like to meet Victoria, so they are sure an assistance dog is a good fit for her.
And a few weeks later David calls you, saying they have a perfect candidate – labrador retriever who could be a perfect companion for Victoria, and you tell your daughter:
"Hey, Vic, I have a surprise for you. What about we go to the park together today at five and I will show you what it is?"
She seems a little bewildered, but shrugs and says:
"Ok, why not?"
The hour comes, you enter the park pushing your daughter and see your new acquaintances are there already. In the middle of a big grass field, with a big black retriever running around them.
"Edna, David...you said a puppy!"
"Good evening, Mark. Well...ok, not exactly a puppy, but he's just 5 months old. Retrievers at this age grow very quickly," Edna ties the dog on a collar and they come closer to you and your daughter, "...And you must be Victoria. I'm Edna Harlow and this is my husband David. We are training special dogs for people with disabilities. And this is...well, this could be your new doggy."
Victoria's eyes light up and she immediatelly starts stroking the dog's head.
"Oh, yes!"
It's a different world I see
When it's just my dog and me
(John Hiatt – My Dog and Me)
I'm not sure how much you know about assistance dogs (or the fact that they exist because for example in our country nobody does :p). But they do exist, I in fact have one myself ;). The other type - the one that supports me while walking, because I've been through a traffic accident few years ago and I have problems with balance. I imagine Victoria's new dog looking just like my Chris, if you wanna see him, follow the link on my profile ;).
And just so you know - the next chapter is the final one. I feel I said everything I wanted and it's time to wrap up this story.