AN: I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IT WAS UPLOADED IN A BAD FORMAT. LETS TRY IT AGAIN.
D: LAW AND ORDER SVU ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.
CH 26
"It's negative." She announces making a huge hole slowly appear in my stomach. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react. I don't know if I feel disappointed, sad, angry or if I actually feel nothing. The way I felt of intrigue and anxiety is vanishing at the same time the hole in my stomach keeps growing until it reaches the wound in my chest. I focus on stopping that new feeling because I presage it won't be a good one. It can't be called disappointment because I really worked hard not to let any hope grow inside me. It was also locked in that box beside the mare idea of actually been pregnant. But, whatever the name of this feeling is, it is not a positive one. It is more of a strange sadness. Whatever it is I force it back to the box and lock it there.
"Liv." I look at Alexandra but I can't express myself. How can someone express a feeling that can't be explained?
"Well." But she needs an answer. A reaction of some kind.
"We can try another one to make sure." She proposes as she takes out another little box fom her purse. Of course she has another one. I don't really want to try again, though. With one was enough to create a new strange wave of unknown feelings. I'm starting to think I spent way too much time in a zombie state, long enough to now not be able to identify my feelings. And letting them all out all of a sudden can't be good. I don't know how good idea it is to look for a detonator.
"No." I tell her without much encouragement.
"Ok. Your choice." She says as she puts the box inside her purse again. "This are not that precise anyways." She says and I just look at the little stick kind of hating it a little bit. "Didn't Dr. Beresford took blood samples?" She asks making a memory come to the front of my head. The little test tube filled with my red pale blood. Wow, I have really managed to forget everything of that matter as soon as I stepped out the hospital. I try to remember the doctor's instructions about the test tube. He was going to take it to the lab and the results would be ready tomorrow… well today.
"Yes. He did." I answer Alexandra's question now that I've think about it.
"You are slow today." Alexandra says trying not to laugh. I do laugh… or something like that. My brain is still kind of in zombie mood.
"Yes." I accept. "Sorry. He did took the blood and I think the results should be ready… today."
"Are you going to get them?" She asks and I think she is already planning on coming with me. I shrink not really knowing if I have to go to the hospital already. I don't remember the instruction given to me. "We should go." Alexandra says throwing the little used stick into the nearest garbage. She doesn't even stop to wash her hands, she just drags me out of the ladies' room. I try to follow her steps and force myself not to look towards the place it all happened but I fail at it. I take a look at the place and stop to take my breath which suddenly disappears from my longs. My chest hurting again and my eyes feeling with the stupid tears. I try to undo the lump on my throat but it is useless.
"Liv?" Alexandra stops with me and calls me trying to make me keep walking. So I do. I follow her to the elevator. "I'm sorry." She says once we are alone inside. "I didn't want to push with all this pregnancy thing. I just…"
"Don't be. I'm fine." I try to take the guilt out of her.
"You know what. We don't have to go to the hospital." She says with her decided tone. 2Let me take you home." She offers as we arrive to the first floor.
"Not necessary." I tell her. "I need a walk." And I walk out of the building. She follows me until I stop to see her in the eye finding her baby blue eyes filled with tears. "Alex, I'll be fine." I feel like lying but I want her to be calm. I need her to go other way and let me go back to my apartment and maybe to my zombie status. I'd like to go back to my zombie me.
"I don't want to leave you alone." She confesses the obvious.
"Alex. I just need time to heal. Alone time." I insist glad to listen to my voice way stronger than it have been all day. She just nods and tries to smile at me.
"Don't do anything stupid." She commands making me feel desperate. I know her words have a horrible meaning but I don't feel like having the I'm-not-suicidal argue again. I just want to go away from her. So I don't say anything else. I just turn around and walk away from her as quick as I can. Away from her, from the precinct building, from the people in there until I finally feel surrounded by strangers. The pain following me closely.
I look at my surroundings letting my instincts act by themselves. They are already trying to guess where I am and where I'm leading to. There are tens and tens of buildings, well paved streets, shining stop lights and marble statues in some corners. Everything in this city is made of stone. Everything is cold and dark. Even with the daylight it all looks shadowy. It feels like looking for my sun in the middle of a midnight. If I give up here and now I would just fall into the pave and turn into just another statue in this gray world.
Without noticing it I´ve arrived to my building´s entrance. I hurry inside and clumsily run upstairs, I get inside my home and make sure to close the door behind me. Despite my great effort I've come back to my hiding place. I let myself down in the floor and sit against the nearest wall trying to inhale all the air I can. My lungs soon filled with cold air and as soon as I let all the air out a big sob is heard from the bottom of my chest filling the whole room. My tears finally get free and the knot on my throat start to lose.
"I can't… I'm not strong enough." I complain to no one in particular. There is no one here to listen to me. To see how much of a failure I am. Now I'm sure the damage is irreversible. I'm never going to be the same again. The fucking wound will stay plain open forever.
"Be strong." His voice is back loud and clear sounding with authority. So real. But who am I kidding. He is not here and this fucking voice is just in my mind. I ignore it and hug my ribs letting the sobs come out as they wish. "Olivia, you are strong." It insists but I keep ignoring it. I try to find the doze I was immersed days before. I want the fog to cover me again. "I'm here." It sounds just like blowing wind in my ears.
"Come back!" I manage to say in between sobbing. If I'm going to keep listening to this voice so loud and clear I should answer back then. "Just come back!"
CH 27 STARS
I keep immobile on the floor concentrated on my breathing until I manage to calm down. Waiting to see if I listen to him again. But the silence is surrounding me. It doesn't come back. Have I managed to make it go away? Fear. Fear invades me at the mere idea of it actually been gone. I won't listen to him ever again. That's my reality. I will never listen to his real voice again, nor to his laugh, nor will I see him again. He is not coming back. I can't breathe again. My lung stain strong moving frenetically in search of some air. But I'm petrified in the middle of a pain that won't disappear. I'm strongly terrified with the image of me actually needing of him in order to live. It a need so strong that it makes the need to breath seem nothing in comparison.
"Breath." He growls with evident angry in his voice. It scares me but manages to make me take a big deep air mouthful. It's not gone. My hands fly to my chest and I find the strong I need to stand up slowly. My legs are shaking announcing me I spent way too much time with them curled. I manage to get into my room and I let myself down in the single couch I have there. I curl in there and look through my window noticing it's already dark out there. I'm able to see some stars. They aren't visible from here often. It's been a while since I saw them. But tonight they are here, taking me back to a beautiful memory.
"This is my favorite place." I tell him as we walk in the beach looking at the sun disappear in the horizon.
"Quite original." He jokes.
"Well. What does Alice's statue has of original?" I ask a little bit angry. He looks at me a shrinks without really answering anything. "If you don't like it we can go back to the city." I say him grudgingly. "We do have lots of work waiting for us back in the precinct."
"Don't." He says stopping me from walking away. "I'm sorry. It's just that the beach is a lots of people favorite place." He explains with an expression full of sorry.
"Who said it was the beach?" I tell him raising an eyebrow and smiling at him.
"We are in a beach." He says pointing the obvious. "Aren't we?" I just smile at him and take his hand to make him follow me towards a little sand hill. I let myself down in the sand and face up the orange sky.
"Really?" He asks looking at me from his standing position. "I have to…" He point towards my horizontal position with doubt. I nod. "This is an expensive suit." He complains earning a glare from me. "Ok." He gives up and clumsily lets himself sit down in the sand beside me. "It is really expensive." He complains as he finally give up and lie down completely. I decide to keep silence just waiting for my favorite place to appear. And so does him. Minutes later we are covered by a dark blue sky all filled with stars.
"And that is my favorite place." I finally talk pointing towards the spectacle.
"Nice." He expresses not been able to separate his eyes from the stars. "It's been a while since I saw this sky." I look at him and try to find his expression in the dark. He is enjoying this as much as I am.
"The beach is a lot of people favorite place. But mine is that universe out there. And this beach is the best place to contemplate it." I explain. "My mother used to bring me here when I was little. She used to tell me that every single night one of those stars come down to accompany the lonely ones and later it goes back up to tell our love ones up there that we are fine down here." It is the first time I tell this to anyone.
"It is definitely a beautiful favorite place." He expresses still glued to the stars. "Did you see that?" he expresses as he point s towards the universe. I don't have to turn around to know what he is talking about. "What are the odds for a shooting star?" He asks with evident fascination.
"Well. I bring you here today because there's predicted a stars rain." I finally confess the reason I decided to get away from the city today. I planned it since the meteorological phenomena was announced.
"Oh yeah." He says. "I heard of that in the news. "You win Benson. Your favorite place kicks mine in the ass." We laugh and let the silence fill the environment as we enjoy the sporadic shooting stars.
I keep looking at the stars through my window letting the memory vanish away. Mu tears are already sliding down my cheeks. My willingness turning every second more and more little. It make feel like if now my world doesn't have anything of those beautiful places. It all will be lonely deserted areas, there are no more oceans or rivers and maybe there will never be a magical and perfect place as that beautiful beach at night. The earth will stop been serene and it will stop beating as my heart.
"I need you." I whisper almost unconscious. I'm really tired. I need to keep hearing you. I need you to assure me you are still here. You won't vanish. If you do… there will not be hope. There will be nothing. What will I do? I finally give up and close my eyes.
The starry sky is above me and I just look at it. It doesn't have a beginning or an end. I can't feel the lightless breeze. It is like if I am in the middle of the universe. A star starts to shine stronger than the others so I focus my eyes on it. It starts to move so I run behind it. It is falling. I listen to my mother's voice so I decide to keep following it. A strong heat surround me and it is eradiating from the big star. I walk towards the place it landed and hurry to touch it. Maybe it will tell him how I'm doing down here. But as soon as I touch it, it changes.
"I'm here. Don't you see?" His voice so soft and warm.
"I don't know what to do." I confess but the voice doesn't seem to come out of my chest.
"Just wait." He says so calm.
A far sound distracts me from his voice and suddenly all the little stars beginning to move falling from their places making him disappear. And I wake up falling off the couch. I try to catch my breath and get out of the doze the dream leaves behind. And the sound is repeated. Is the doorbell. I stand up as fast as I can earning the dizziness of it. I focus in order to gain my balance again. And the doorbell sound again. I turn to see the clock at my nightstand finding out it is already ten in the morning. The doorbell sounds again.
"Coming!" I manage to shout with a sleepy voice. I walk towards the entrance and I just open it not eve carrying on who is in the other side.
"Miss Benson?" The young woman asks looking at me with doubt.
"Yes." I answer back trying to recognize her without much success.
"I'm here from the hospital." She explains. "Dr. Beresford ask me to bring you this." She offers me a yellow envelope. "Your analysis results."
"Oh. Thank you." I accept the envelope looking at my hands shaking. The nurse smiles at me and kindly says goodbye to me. I close the door and let out an unconscious sigh.
"Open it." His voice makes presence with the strong command.
"No." I answer back. I'm actually discussing with it. I'm officially crazy. But here is no one to see me. And, though I wasn't planning to my hands act by their own will already opening the folder.
TO BE CONTINUED…
AN: THANKS FOR READING.