A/N:
Thank you for waiting so patiently. Life got sort of crazy with the holidays but I am back on it now!
You can thank my new Beta BK2U for less typos and better grammar!
Enjoy :)
Tris
"Caleb!"
When I finally see him, it's like every memory from my childhood catapults into my brain all at once; only none of them seem to match the person I am looking at now.
This is not my brother.
This is some Erudite clone of him that I've never met.
"Beatrice?"
My name sounds strange coming out of his mouth, like he's already forgotten how it's pronounced.
"What are you doing here?"
His eyes flash up to Tobias and then back down to me.
"What's he doing here? What's going on?"
I don't answer him.
I can't.
Not yet.
"Caleb…"
I repeat again.
It feels like the only word in my vocabulary at the moment.
I throw my arms around his neck and hug him so tightly that he actually gasps.
"Beatrice." He chastises me.
"What are you doing?" He says through his teeth.
I pull back quickly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—I just…It's really good to see you."
I look him over for a moment and then smile a little.
"You look really grown up." I say quietly.
He looks me over for a moment and then shrugs.
"You look…" He trails off for a moment, searching for words.
At first I think he's going to give me the same compliment, I realize quickly that that isn't the case.
"...like the rest of the Dauntless." He finishes.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Crazy and dangerous."
I frown a little.
"Dangerous? That's a strange choice of word."
"Not really. You people are insane."
"‛You people'? Caleb, I'm your sister."
"Not anymore."
"How can you even say that?"
He shakes his head a little bit.
"Because you're Dauntless now."
He looks at the ground for a moment.
"You made a choice, Beatrice. So did I."
I blink at him for a moment and then look up at Tobias but he isn't looking at me. His eyes are glued to Caleb's face instead.
"Faction before blood, Caleb? Really?" Tobias says it like it's the most disgusting phrase in the world.
If 'Faction before blood' is making Caleb act this way, then I wholeheartedly agree.
I turn back to Caleb.
"You aren't even a little happy to see me?"
"Beatrice, what are you doing here?"
"I…" I pause for a moment, crossing my arms over my chest.
"It's visiting day. I thought maybe you'd like to see some of your family. Since mom and dad won't be caught dead here."
"Well you were wrong. I don't want to see any of you."
I blow out a breath.
"You know, I know you're my big brother and that sometimes it's part of the territory but I don't know what I did to make you so…mean."
He stares at me and for a moment, one fleeting moment, I think he's going to take it back, but he doesn't.
"Tris." Tobias says next to me.
"You don't have to deal with this, let's just go."
I shake my head a little, my eyes still on Caleb.
"No…no. I want to do what I came here for."
I stand up a little straighter and clear my throat.
"Mom visited me today. She's worried about you."
"Worried about me? Why?"
"Because Erudite is full of manipulators, Caleb, and it's obvious that they've already gotten to you."
"What are you talking about? God, you Dauntless really are crazy."
I let out a frustrated noise.
"If you want to stay here and blindly follow Jeanine Matthews and pretend you're way smarter than you actually are, then go ahead! Be my guest! I'm just trying to honor Mom's wishes."
"You should watch what you say about Jeanine Matthews around here, Beatrice."
"You know what? It's Tris and I'll say whatever I want about Jeanine Matthews."
"Are you done? I have studying to do." He says, his voice flat and unforgiving.
I bite down hard on my lip to keep the tears I feel gathering in my eyes at bay.
I want to turn around and leave but something keeps my feet planted exactly where they are.
Caleb.
My brother, who taught me how to tie my shoes when he inevitably learned how before me, wants nothing to do with me.
Is this even real life?
He can hardly even look me in the eye.
This can't be real.
But something in the pit of my stomach keeps telling me that it is.
That's when I give up on him.
I didn't think it was possible, but here I am.
"Yeah, I'm done." I say in a quiet voice.
An overwhelming need to get as far away as possible from Caleb washes over me quickly.
I don't wait for Tobias.
I can't.
I just start moving, my feet shuffling fast, away from Caleb like my life depends on it.
Tobias
"She loves you." I spit out at Caleb.
"You really didn't have to be so mean," I finish.
I stare at him for about a half a second longer before I take off after Tris.
When I finally catch up to her, it takes everything in me not to turn back around and hit Caleb as hard as I can in the mouth.
Anybody who can cause the suffering, miserable look that's taken up residence on Tris' face deserves that and more.
For now, she is quiet, focusing on walking and putting one foot in front of the other.
I know it's just the calm before the storm but I have no idea how to prepare for it.
I stay quiet next to her, making sure that my footsteps are in line with hers.
She still doesn't speak.
I am trying very hard not to force it.
It isn't until we're on the train back that she lets herself feel the full impact of what just happened.
She sits pressed against the opposite train wall from me, her arms encasing her knees.
Tears make their way down her face at a rapid pace, her breath coming out in gasps like she can't get enough air no matter how hard she tries.
I want to comfort her but I realize that it isn't about what I want right now.
For some reason I don't think my comfort is what she needs.
Not right this moment anyway.
So for right now, I avoid eye contact and attempt to give her this tiny moment of solace to mourn the loss of her brother to Erudite.
After a full minute of hearing her sharp breaths and sobs it's getting harder and harder to ignore.
My arms are practically aching to hold her at this point so when she finally chokes out my name, she doesn't need to say anything else.
I cross the train in less than a second.
I don't have to think very much at all, my brain and my body already know exactly how to hold her, exactly how to comfort her.
I know this girl inside and out.
I know what she needs.
She leans into my chest and her tears get even more intense as she cries into my T-shirt.
If I could take away everything she is feeling right now, I would, even if that meant I'd have to endure it myself.
I pull her in closer and rest my chin on the top of her head before leaning down a bit to press a kiss there, my nose burying into her hair.
It takes the rest of the train ride for her to calm down enough to even regulate her breathing.
Even at this point she's still sniffling, the occasional lone tear making its way down her cheek.
"Do you want me to walk you into Dauntless…?" I ask quietly.
She looks at me for a moment and then sniffles.
"You're banned from Dauntless."
I shrug a little.
"I don't care. I don't feel right about leaving you alone right now."
"I don't want to go back to Dauntless…" She whispers.
I watch her for a moment and then nod slowly.
"Okay. You don't have to. Do you want to come back with me?"
She nods quickly but doesn't say anything else.
I let out a small sigh.
"You can fall apart, Tris. I'll hold you together, I promise." I whisper.
It's only then that her sobs become louder than the low rumble of the train.
Tris
Tobias doesn't speak to anyone as we make our way through the sector, even though we pass several people that seem to know him. He holds loosely onto my hand as he leads me back to his building, and to his bedroom.
It's still dark when he flips on the light.
My eyes slowly take in the room and for the first time, I notice the other mattress, the one that doesn't belong to him, is littered with women's clothing.
"…Is your roommate a girl?" I ask quietly.
"What?" He says quickly, turning to face me as he slips off his jacket and tosses it on the mattress.
I shake my head a little and point to the other mattress.
He follows my gaze and then lets out a sigh.
"Oh. Yeah. Bethany. That's where Bethany sleeps."
"Oh."
The realization hits me hard.
I know that technically right now, I share a room with a lot of different people, a lot of them males, but this feels different somehow.
Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed with the knowledge that Tobias is surrounded by a lot of girls here.
Girls that don't have to worry about living within the confines of a faction. Girls that he shares a room with.
My stomach sinks uncomfortably but I try my best to ignore that feeling.
This is not a fight I need to have with him right now.
I'm learning how to pick my battles and we have bigger things to worry about.
I cross the room and sit down on the mattress I know belongs to him.
He leans against the desk pressed against the wall, his eyes moving over me for a moment.
I run a hand through my hair.
"I can't believe I have to call that jerk my brother."
Tobias shrugs a little bit.
"He was rather unpleasant, wasn't he?"
I shake my head a little.
I don't want to talk about it anymore but I can't help thinking about.
"I'm sorry, Tris. I know that's not how you wanted that to go. Sometimes…people get too caught up in the factions. They can't see anything outside of what they've been taught."
"Is that why you're here? Because you can see outside of the factions? Outside of what you've been taught?"
He shrugs a little bit.
"I don't know. What I do know is that I'm here because right now, it feels right for me to be here." He pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath before speaking again.
"…Which is why I understand why you said no earlier."
"You do?"
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come at you the way that I did before. I know a lot about you, Tris, and I know that you can't be forced into anything. You're stubborn and it's wonderful, it's part of why I love you so damned much."
He smiles a little.
"You don't respond well when I try and push you to do something. I've learned that. So, I won't push. If this is the right place for you, if you want to be here, then you'll make the decision on your own. I just have to trust that. I have to trust you, and I do."
His words make me feel warm absolutely everywhere.
I stand up quickly, ignoring the head rush it gives me and make my way towards him.
I reach for his hand, my fingers grazing his for a moment before I lean up and press my lips to his, softly at first and then with growing insistence.
After a moment I pull away, my hands resting on his cheeks.
"I really needed to hear you say that." I whisper.
He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead.
"You have good instincts. I trust them, I always have."
I wrap my arms around his middle and press my face into his chest for a moment, breathing him in.
"…I get it." I mumble, my cheek pressed against his T-shirt.
"Get what?"
I pull away a little, looking up at him.
"Seeing Caleb today…the way he acted…what Erudite is teaching him…" I shrug a little. "It makes me realize what the factions do to people. I see your side. I understand wanting to be factionless."
He reaches out and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear.
"Why do I get the feeling you're still saying no to me?"
"Because I am, but for a different reason this time."
He lets out a long sigh.
"Okay. Enlighten me."
"I think I'll do both you and Evelyn more good in Dauntless than I would here."
His eyebrows furrow as he looks at me.
"How do you figure that?"
"You need someone on the inside, someone who can track Jeanine's comings and goings. I can do that for you, but not here. "
He shakes his head a little.
"Leave it up to you to find the one and only reason to stay in Dauntless."
I squeeze his hand lightly.
"It wouldn't be forever." I breathe.
"I'm not saying never…I'm just saying not right now. Not until all of this is…settled."
He raises his eyebrows at me and then closes his eyes.
"Why does it feel like our relationship is just a series of waiting?"
"You know that I could help this way. It's smart."
"Yeah, I know. I just don't want to let Dauntless have you."
I bite down on my lip.
"Well…they don't have me tonight." I slip my jacket off of my shoulders and let it fall to the ground behind me.
Dauntless has made me bold, and I don't think Tobias has any complaints about that considering the way his eyes follow my jacket to ground.
He slowly brings his eyes back up to meet mine, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip.
"Tris, do you want to—"
"Yes."
He grins a little bit.
"Good." He whispers, his fingers slipping underneath my t-shirt quickly, pressing his mouth on mine.
His touch ignites every cell in my body.
The fire rages inside of me and I let it because he hasn't touched me like this in so long.
"God, I've missed you." He whispers against my neck.
"I can't wait to have you here with me." He grasps my hips tightly and I let out a little gasp.
"You talk too much." I whisper, my hands gripping his back.
His hands rest on my stomach for a moment, my t-shirt hanging limply over his arms as he explores.
For a moment, everything is perfect.
His face, his touch, his lips, his breath, everything.
I love him, every part of him, and I am so safe here.
Then all at once, everything shatters.
"We could've avoided all this, Tris. All you had to do was try."
The words come back to me like a memory, but clear as day.
I pull away quickly, taking in a sharp breath.
Tobias looks at me, concern etched into his face.
"Are you okay?"
"I…" I shake my head. "W-w-why…why would you say that to me?"
Confusion takes over his face.
"Say what? I…I didn't say anything."
I close my eyes for a moment and suck in a breath before moving in closer, my palms sliding up his arms.
"Sorry. I thought…" I shake my head.
"…doesn't matter." I mumble pressing up on my feet so that I can meet his lips again.
His hand reaches for my belt and it happens again.
"Bitch! Shut up! You're much more tolerable when you aren't speaking."
It's then that I realize that what I'm hearing isn't Tobias.
It's Al, and all the things he said to me that night.
I pull away quickly, hardly able to breathe at the realization.
"Tris? What's going on?"
I hear Tobias but I can't answer him.
I'm too busy trying to get enough air in to keep breathing.
"Tris! What's wrong?" He reaches a hand out towards me, his fingers brushing my arm.
The second his hand makes contact with my skin it feels like I've been scalded with hot water.
"Don't touch me!"
The scream escapes me and I don't recognize my own voice.
I am not me right now.
I don't know who this person is.
Tobias holds up his hands a little, staring at me.
"I'm sorry…I…I don't know what's happening right now, Tris."
I move towards the wall of the room, pressing my hand against it, put my head down and try to breathe through the raging lava moving through my body making me feel sick to my stomach.
Eventually my breathing starts to regulate and I find myself looking at an unsettled Tobias.
"What's going on?" He asks me again and I know that I have to find an answer for him.
"I…I…don't…um…" I close my eyes for a moment. "…I…I…think…it's the Al thing…"
He watches me for a moment.
"You're not okay, are you?" He breathes.
"I'm sorry…I didn't um…I didn't know it would affect me like that…I…"
Tobias shakes his head quickly.
"Don't apologize…I just wish I had known…I wouldn't have…" He closes his eyes for a moment.
"I wish you'd talked to me."
"I didn't know what to say to you! I don't even know what's wrong with me, how can I talk about it? It happened and then you were just gone and no one was talking to me and I had to look at his stupid face at breakfast every morning and you weren't there, Tobias! You just…you weren't there because you ran away to the factionless and left me to deal with everything on my own—"
"Tris, I didn't know! I didn't think—" He pauses for a moment, his eyes moving over me.
"I'm sorry. I should've known that you needed me, I didn't—" He lets out a long sigh.
"I can't make up for the past. All I can do is be here now. Do you want to talk to me? I'm right here. Talk to me. Please, talk to me."
I shake my head a little.
"I don't know how."
"Can I just…" He licks his bottom lip.
"Can I hold you?" He whispers it, like he's afraid of the words, like I might panic all over again.
I hate it.
"I hate that you have to ask me that." I whisper back.
"Don't. Tris, I understand. I do."
"I don't know what's wrong with me." I breathe, tears starting to develop all over again.
"I'm going to hold you…" Tobias says quietly.
He crosses to me in one big stride, his arms folding over me and I collapse into his chest.
"I don't know who this person is…this isn't me." I gasp, shaking my head.
"Tris." He says quietly. "You were attacked. It's okay to feel what you're feeling right now."
"I thought I was strong…" I mumble. "I thought I was respected, I thought…I thought he was my friend."
Tobias leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead.
"We don't have to talk about him. Let's just talk about you. Okay?"
I nod a little and then press my cheek into his chest.
"Tell me how you're feeling, Tris."
I sniffle before speaking.
"I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't know how to be me anymore."
"I'll remind you. Everyday. Tris, I know you. I can help you remember who you are. That's not a problem."
"He apologized to me, he explained—"
"Explained? I'd love to hear how he explained what he did."
I pull away a little to look at him.
"I forgot to tell you…"
"Tell me what?"
I tilt my head a little.
"Al told me…he told me that he was under a serum and that Eric gave it to him. He said that…um…that Eric wants me dead."
"Eric was using Al as a scapegoat?"
I nod a little.
"That's what he claims. Yeah."
"Tris—"
"I know. I have to be careful. It's all I ever hear these days."
He presses a hand to my cheek.
"I wasn't going to say that, but yes, you have to be careful."
"What were you going to say?"
He leans forward and presses his lips to mine softly for just a moment.
"I was going to say that none of this is your fault. I was going to tell you that you're beautiful and smart and what happened to you does not affect any of that. It doesn't change the way I feel about you. It doesn't change you."
I look at the carpet for a moment and then back up at him.
"I led him on for weeks because I was trying to prove to myself that I could stop being in love with you and he hated me for it. I made him accessible so Eric could manipulate him. It's my fault."
Tobias blows out a breath and shakes his head slowly.
"If you ever say that again, I might have to kill you."
"Tobias—"
"No. What happened will never be your fault. Do you understand?" He touches his forehead to mine.
"I understand…" I whisper.
"Good." He says quietly.
"It's been a long day." He nods a little. "Why don't we just go to bed?"
I shake my head.
"I should go back to Dauntless…I—"
"Tris. Come to bed with me. Please. We're just going to sleep. You can go back first thing in the morning."
I know that his words are true and they make sense but I still can't bring myself to move.
He puts his hands on my shoulders and squeezes lightly.
"Tris, it's me. It's just me."
I nod slowly.
"I know." I say softly. "…Let's go to bed."
He nods a little and then takes a step back reaching out his hand for mine.
I take it without hesitation and comply when he leads me towards the mattress pressed against the wall.
We climb in together, him against the wall and me on the other side.
He pulls me in, my back pressed against his chest, his chin on my shoulder, his arm covering me.
"Tobias?"
"Mhm?"
"I love you." The words rush out quickly and Tobias lets out a soft chuckle.
"I think we're a little beyond those words now but I'll say it as many times as you want. I love you, too." He breathes.
"I love you." He kisses the back of my neck.
"I love you." A kiss to my cheek.
"I love you." A kiss to my ear.
"I love—"
I turn around quickly and press my lips against his, effectively cutting him off.
When I pull away he's smiling at me.
"Too much?"
I shake my head a little.
"Not enough. Will you keep saying it until I fall asleep?"
He nods slowly, so I turn and settle myself against his back once again.
I feel his lips against my ear as a quiet mantra of 'I love you' starts up again.
Six I love you's in, and sleep takes over.