Chapter Twenty-Six: Falling Apart

Sunlight poured through the window, stretching and climbing across the floor. Ritsuka felt the sun on his face and slowly opened his eyes, smiling sleepily at the slumbering Soubi. The man's hand was limp over his own, fingers still interlaced. Ritsuka brushed Soubi's blonde locks away from his face. The man stirred but didn't wake. Smiling softly, Ritsuka stroked Soubi's cheek while shaking his head at the man's position. Soubi was sitting in a chair with his torso, neck, and head lying on the bed. He's going to be hurting when he wakes up. Ritsuka stroked his lover's hair again, still smiling, as Soubi sighed lightly in his sleep and reflexively leaned into Ritsuka's touch. I should wake him up, but I don't want to answer any questions about what happened. He'll kill Ritsu. Maybe I can just order him to stay…that should work.

Still unsure of how to keep Soubi from hurting Ritsu, Ritsuka gently shook Soubi's shoulder. Soubi's eyes fluttered and his head moved, but he didn't wake. Ritsuka shook him again, harder, saying his name quietly. "Soubi, wake up. Your back and neck are going to hurt if you sleep like this any longer." Ritsuka grinned widely as Soubi opened his eyes with his forehead puckered in a frown.

Whenever Ritsuka had stayed over at Soubi's or Soubi had stayed with him, Soubi had somehow always managed to wake up before the teenager. Ritsuka had only seen Soubi wake up once in the three years they'd been dating. That first time, he had fallen on the floor laughing when the ever composed and calm Soubi had walked into his closed bedroom door; it still hadn't woken the man up. Ritsuka had had to open the door for him. He had been sure Soubi was going to drown in the shower that morning.

He smiled at the memory and the same glazed and confused look in the man's eyes, as there had been the first time. "You're lying funny on my hospital bed. Do you remember being at the hospital?" Ritsuka laughed as Soubi just frowned deeper. "Wake up and then we'll talk." Soubi simply nodded then winced as pain shot down his spine. Ritsuka smoothed back the man's hair again. Carefully, Soubi stretched his arms, experimentally twisting his head. Ritsuka winced with him. "Be careful sitting up."

"I'll be fine," Soubi soothed, unsure what to do to ease the boy's concern when he was still this asleep. Ritsuka just smiled at him again and resumed his stroking. Without thinking, Soubi leaned into the touch, but opened his eyes this time. Ritsuka was still smiling, eyebrows raised slightly at Soubi's questioning look.

"What is it?" Ritsuka whispered, tensing as Kiyoshi shifted in the chair on the other side of the bed. Soubi glanced that way too even though he couldn't see over Ritsuka's side. A loud snore was heard a second later; Ritsuka and Soubi both smiled and relaxed again. Ritsuka resumed his stroking, curling deeper into the covers. "I'm so…you…I just…"

Soubi chuckled quietly at the teen's incoherence. "I understand. It feels like this should be a dream because we're both alive?" Ritsuka nodded as the smile disappeared from his face. "What's wrong? Why did that make you stop smiling? It should be a thing to smile about."

Ritsuka shook his head and sighed. "I know. It's something I want to smile about. It just… it just reminded me of what happened." Soubi nodded as Ritsuka looked down at the bedcovers and placed his hand back on the bed.

"Ritsuka," Soubi started gently, "what happened?"

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Ritsuka pressed his lips together tightly after he finished telling Soubi the whole story. The man's eyes had filled with rage the instant Ritsu's name had been mentioned, and they were still clouded with anger, fighting the impulses to hunt down Ritsu and to become even more over-protective and to never again leave Ritsuka's side. Sensing where the man thoughts had strayed, Ritsuka spoke again.

"You can't always protect me. I chose to leave on my own. All of this is my fault because I was being stupid."

Soubi looked oddly at him. "Why do you think this is your fault? Because you got upset and left?" Ritsuka shook his head, drawing back slightly. Soubi frowned and reached for the teen's hand.

Ritsuka squeezed Soubi's hand lightly, sheepishly looking down at their intertwined fingers resting on the covers. "The bathroom was already wrecked when I went in there. There was blood on the floor and walls. The doors were off the hinges and the sinks were already on the floor. I know I should have left, but I stayed because I wanted to be somewhere alone where I could think." Ritsuka tried to untangle his hand from Soubi's, but the man only gripped tighter. Soubi could tell Ritsuka wasn't finished. "I had calmed down and was getting ready to come back to apologize when Ritsu stepped out from one of the stalls. I'm sorry," Ritsuka said sincerely, finally looking up at Soubi as his eyes filled with guilt. "I didn't think this would happen. I just-"

"This isn't your fault. Your father and I should have told you that he was going to press charges against Yukoi. You didn't know that any of this would happen. None of us thought anyone would attack you again. You can't blame yourself." Ritsuka tried to talk, but Soubi shook his head. "Let me finish, please?" Ritsuka's shoulders slumped slightly though he pushed himself into a sitting position, ignoring the sharp, shooting pains through his body as he did so. Soubi smiled lightly at his stubbornness to let something like a little pain prevent him from sitting.

"We all made mistakes yesterday. The past month has been…insane for all of us. Misaki nearly beat you to death; then she was institutionalized. You moved. You came out to your dad. Yukoi played games with us, and kidnapped you. We had sex, and then Ritsu almost kills you. After all that, after almost losing you three times, do you think I'm going to let you apologize for something that was entirely out of your control?" Soubi had moved to sit on the bed during his speech, gently holding Ritsuka's head between his hands, staring desperately at the earless boy.

Ritsuka relaxed against Soubi's hands as the familiar, distinct scent of the man filled his head. "No," Ritsuka said quietly, "but I needed to say it." Soubi didn't respond, only moved his thumbs back and forth on Ritsuka's cheeks. "Was I really that close to dying?" Ritsuka asked, sounding as if the possibility had only just occurred to him, which it had. "I know you all said I could have died, but was it really that close?" Ritsuka stared, awestruck, at Soubi. Had he really almost died three times in the past month? Had he almost left Soubi—forever?

"I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave Dad, my friends, and school. I-" Ritsuka could do nothing to stop the tears rolling down his cheeks, and he wasn't even sure why he was crying. Weren't you supposed cry as things happened to you not after the fact? He was safe right now. Soubi had released his face and pulled him into a tight hug the instant the tears had started; he was safe. He hadn't died, hadn't been raped, and hadn't been separated from Soubi. His first time was with Soubi, and Soubi still loved him. He finally had a home where he could go and know that he wasn't going to be hit. He had friends who cared about him. He had people who loved him.

Why did he feel as if his world was falling apart?

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Soubi hid his surprise as Ritsuka started crying and pulled him closer, rubbing circles on his lower back. Had Ritsuka thought they were exaggerating when they said he almost died? Soubi pushed away his own thoughts to focus on the now sobbing teenager in his arms.

"It's okay, Ritsuka. You're safe now. I'm not going to let anyone or anything hurt you," Soubi said softly into his Sacrifice's ear. "You can cry as much as you need to." Soubi hugged Ritsuka tighter, pulling the child onto his lap. He had no idea what had caused Ritsuka to start crying so suddenly and harshly, but he knew it wasn't going to subside anytime soon. The only thing he could do was hold his shaking body and offer soft reassurances of safety.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Aoyagi Kiyoshi difficultly peeled his eyes apart, mind still hazy from sleep, back twisted from sleeping in a chair all night. He opened his eyes wider as the previous day's memories came back to him. The doctors had discharged him, but he had only gone up two floors to Ritsuka's room and stayed there. He looked over at Ritsuka's bed, expecting to see his son still asleep, but instead only saw the teenager's back and Soubi holding him.

He managed to keep the scowl off his face at waking up to find the two cuddling on Ritsuka's hospital bed with him in the room. Could they not wait until he left the room to do this? Ritsuka shouldn't even be sitting up yet. Suddenly, Ritsuka's sobs reached his ears, and he could clearly see the concern on Soubi's face. Forgetting about his aching back and stiff muscles, he quickly climbed onto the bed. Soubi didn't even notice the addition.

"What's wrong?" Kiyoshi asked, tensely while reaching out a hand to smooth Ritsuka's hair. "Is he in pain?" His hand hovered over the button to call the nurse as Soubi shook his head, finally paying attention to the man.

"It's nothing physical; I'm not really sure what's wrong. He was saying how almost dying, again, was his fault, and I was correcting him," Soubi continued without any prompting other than the questioning look in Kiyoshi's pale eyes, "and I pointed out that this whole month had been crazy." Soubi quickly recapped the rest of their conversation and explained how Ritsuka had started crying. "I think he's been holding everything in." Soubi concluded, trying to look Ritsuka in the eyes, but it was impossible, as Ritsuka had buried his head firmly into Soubi's chest.

Kiyoshi ignored the aching in his heart at hearing Ritsuka cry and tried to figure out a way to make his son feel better. He could come up with nothing other than what he was already doing; letting Ritsuka know that he was there in the room with him and that nothing was going to hurt him.

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No matter what he did the tears wouldn't stop. Soubi's arms weren't comforting and reassuring as they always had been in the past. There was no safety, no solace. Soubi couldn't always be there. He couldn't call Soubi anytime, anywhere. Soubi couldn't always be there for him. Always was just another meaningless word.

Soubi.

Nothing.

No response.

No feelings.

No answer.

Nothing.

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The wet spot on his shirt was growing. Soubi felt rather than heard Ritsuka's sob. The teenager's slight frame jumped against him as the sob tore its way out of his body. Soubi clutched him tighter, dipping his head low to press his forehead into the crook of Ritsuka's neck. Ritsuka didn't even respond to the light kiss there; he only sobbed impressively again. Completely oblivious of Kiyoshi, Soubi began rocking back and forth slightly, reaching a hand up to rub the spot where Ritsuka's feline ears had once been. Ritsuka's knuckles turned even whiter against the material of Soubi's shirt.

What was wrong? How could he get Ritsuka to stop crying? What had caused him to start crying like this? How could Soubi get the boy to feel better?

"Ritsuka?" Soubi questioned quietly, using all of his willpower to keep the tremor out of his own voice. "Can you talk to me? Can you tell me what's wrong?"

The fifteen-year-old took in a huge, shuddering breath as if he were going to talk, but could only release it as another sob racked his body. The pressure in Soubi's chest was building. It felt like something was pressing in from all sides, compressing his heart until it would be nothing but a single piece of floating matter in his bloodstream. Metals plates, one on each side, were slowly, but surely killing his heart, his soul, relentless in their goal to make his heart into a miniscule square.

Soubi pulled Ritsuka closer to his chest, trying to lessen the emotion and physical pain now ravaging his body. His chest was going to break into a million pieces of drifting matter if something didn't change. There was just so much pressure. How could anyone survive this?

I can't breathe, Soubi thought, almost panicking. God, this hurts. There's something on my chest…

It felt as if a two-ton weight was sitting on his chest, but instead of being dropped to kill him instantly, his torturer was slowly lowering the weight inch by inch, simply waiting for him to crack.

I have to do something to make this stop. It shouldn't hurt this much. Ritsuka's safe. No one is going to hurt him; he didn't die. It doesn't matter what it feels like in my head. Ritsuka is alive. He didn't leave me.

Ritsuka?

The word echoed hollowly in his head.

Ritsuka!

It bounced from side to side, top to bottom, searching and reaching for something to hold to, but found nothing.

There was nothing.

Empty.

Gone.

Blank.

Nothing.

Soubi didn't feel the first tears fall.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ritsuka couldn't think straight, couldn't see, couldn't breath properly against the absolute vast emptiness in his mind. Soubi wasn't there. The comforting link was gone. Forever. Their connection--what made every Fighter and Sacrifice so close—was gone. The link, the thread, they shared was permanently shattered.

Please let this be a dream. Let all this pain, confusions, and agony be a dream. Let the past day all be a dream, a horrible, horrible nightmare. Our connection can't be gone. He isn't dead. I'm practically sitting in his lap.

There's no more connection. There's nothing of him in my head. I can't access him. That means he is dead.

I can feel his heartbeat.

Heart…beat…alive.

Thump, thump, thump.

Gripping and clawing at Soubi's shirt and back, he pressed his own racing heartbeat closer to the only thing disproving what his mind was telling him.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Soubi almost whimpered as Ritsuka pulled himself up, making their chest levels, and forcing Soubi to move his head. He quickly reburied his head in the crook of Ritsuka's neck, breathing in deeply, and placing another light kiss there.

Please, let this stop. Make the pain go away. Please. I can't take this any longer. The pressure is going to kill me. I can't endure this pain anymore.

He shouldn't be alive. It feels like he isn't alive. Please, let this get better. Let some-

Thump, thump, thump.

A heartbeat?

Thump, thump, thump.

Soubi quickly moved one hand from Ritsuka's back to his chest, feeling the steady thump there. Soubi took in a shuddering breath and kissed Ritsuka's forehead, focusing on the fast and steady thump beneath his hand. Ritsuka's heart was beating inside his small body, strong, fast, and steady. A heartbeat was the first thing that was checked after a serious injury. Having a heartbeat meant a person was alive.

"Ritsuka?" Soubi whispered, voice thick with tears. Ritsuka tilted his head upward, blinking rapidly to clear the tears clouding his visions. Violet met azure, searching and seeking desperately for the proof of the sacred, invisible connection that was no longer there. But there was something there, some other connection that had never been recognized before. Ritsuka could feel something—a spark of electricity—as he meet Soubi's gaze. Even though his mind was still telling him that Soubi was dead, the unnamed emotion filling him was slowly but surely convincing him that Soubi was indeed alive. There was still something between them even though they were no longer connected as Fighter and Sacrifice.

"Soubi?" the child astonishingly whispered. "You're-you're really here? You're alive?"

Soubi couldn't help the smile spreading across his face, or the laugh that burst from his body. He had no idea why he was smiling and laughing as he cupped Ritsuka's cheek with his other hand, gently thumbing away some of the tears there. "Yes," he said simply, still smiling and crying, Ritsuka's heart still beating under his palm. "I'm alive. I'm here. I'm never going to leave you again. I'm so—"

The air left Soubi's body in a great whoosh as Ritsuka threw himself at the man, still sobbing, but nowout of happiness and relief. Soubi was alive and breathing against him. Their connection as a Fighter and Sacrifice had been severed completely, but their connection as a couple—as two human beings—was still intact. There was still something.

Ritsuka buried his face against Soubi's shoulder, fistfuls of Soubi's shirt clutched in his hands, unable to do anything else but cry for several long minutes. Kiyoshi was still sitting at the end of the bed, staring, astonished and confused, at the intertwined couple in front of him. Soubi and Ritsuka had completely forgotten about the presence of another person present in the room.

Soubi leaned his mouth closer to Ritsuka's ear and whispered, "I love you."

Ritsuka's muscles relaxed, heart warmed at hearing those three words he used to hate coming from that same mouth. He pulled back slightly to look at Soubi. "Still?" he questioned, almost silently, even though he thought he already knew the answer. Soubi's perfect brow puckered.

"Still? What does that mean? How can you suggest otherwise?"

Ritsuka shrugged, but refused to look away from the man's penetrating gaze. Sniffling loudly and rubbing at his face, Ritsuka spoke barely over a whisper, "Why do you ask that when you yourself look doubtful about my love?" He expected Soubi to deny it, to proclaim loudly and vehemently that it wasn't true. Instead, the blonde looked ashamed.

"We're no longer connected as a Fighter and Sacrifice. You only began to truly love me after we became connected. We're not now, so your love will fade." Ritsuka was shaking his head back and forth, eyes bemused.

"Just as you said. How can you suggest something like that? I loved you before we were connected, I love you still, and I will love you always. I still feeling something when I look at you—a spark of something."

Soubi stared back into the wide, sincere, love filled eyes, feeling the spark that Ritsuka had spoke about. Even though their connection was on longer visible, there was something—some sort of connection—still between them. It was something that no one could ever take away from them.

Ritsuka let the tiniest of smiles touch his face as he saw Soubi accept that Ritsuka still loved him and that there was still a type of connection between them. Without a second thought, Ritsuka leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against Soubi's soft lips.

Suddenly, they both knew what this other connection, this something that neither of them could name, really was: love.

Author's Note: I'm so, so, so sorry for the delay, thanks for ALL the amazing reviews, and I'll try to be better next time. It's late, and I'm very tired.

Thanks to D. E. Alexander and Natsu Yoru Manialoll for beta'ing this!

REVIEW PLEASE!