Dean Winchester rushed into the bathroom, nearly knocking a guy over. He didn't care. He needed space. He slammed into the nearest stall, shut the door, and pressed his forehead against the cool stall wall. He tried to get his breathing under control, but his heart was pounding, and his mind was racing, and he just couldn't fucking breathe. He closed his eyes and tried desperately to just stop thinking. But he couldn't.

It was such a small thing that set him off. After his date with Lisa, they went back to her place only to find that Ben was still awake. The kid said Dean's name, and Dean had thought for half a second that Ben had said "Dad."

That was it. That was all it took. He didn't freak out right there. He was able to keep a lid on it till he left Lisa's house. But mishearing that one word had broken the dam in his head that kept memories of John Winchester at bay. Ben didn't even actually say "Dad," and it led to all sorts of painful memories.

He tried drinking his dad out of his head yesterday, but that did nothing but make it worse.

Now, he was hearing his dad.

"Take care of Sammy, boy. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Be careful with that, Dean. You'll seize the engine."

Dean banged his head against the wall. "Stop," he muttered himself.

His fingers clawed against the bathroom stall as his chest shuttered with rapid, hyperventilating breaths. He gritted his teeth. He could see the inside of his dad's truck. He could see his dad's forced smile.

"No," Dean gasped, "No, no, no, no." He shook his head and stared at the tiled bathroom floor.

How many tiles were there? Focus. Focus on the tiles. How many tiles? C'mon, Dean, count.

One, two, his dad's eyes filled with tears. No.

Three, four, five. There's a crack in his dad's windshield. No, damn it. Count.

Six, seven. Breathe. He could hear the gunshot ricocheting around in his head. No, no. Calm down. Breathe. In and out.

Eight tiles. Nine. C'mon.

Dean's breathing slowed as he counted the tiles. His mind seemed to quiet as he focused. Everything just slowed down to a quiet nothing. Thank God.

Dean slumped against the stall wall and sank down to the floor, taking a long, deep breath now that he had the luxury of steady breathing. He felt tired, drained completely of all energy. He pulled out his phone. He needed a distraction, but he needed understanding as well.

He texted Cassie. "Meet me at Fantano's," he sent.

As he stood up and picked up his bag, his phone buzzed.

Cassie replied, "On my way."

Dean stood in front of the cashier when Cassie showed up. It wasn't often that Dean met with her during school hours, so he really shouldn't have been surprised by the look of concern on Cassie's face when she walked into the sandwich shop.

"Are you okay?" Cassie asked as she stepped up behind Dean in front of the cashier.

Dean's hands were still shaking from what happened in the bathroom, so he turned his attention to the cashier. "Anything with meat," he said to the guy.

The cashier said, "Well, we've got a lot in that regard. Anything specifically?"

"I'll have an Italian BLT," Dean said after a minute.

The cashier nodded and rang him up.

Cassie looked over Dean's shoulder at the guy behind the counter and said, "I'll have what he's having."

"Are you guys together or separate?" the cashier asked.

Cassie quickly said, "Together. I've got it."

Dean turned to argue with her, but he barely had the energy to register what she'd said. His head was too quiet.

Suddenly, he was being handed a sandwich. Cassie and Dean sat down with their food, and Cassie faced him with a serious expression.

"Are. You. Okay," she said again.

"Not really," Dean said, picking up his sandwich with shaky hands.

Cassie didn't seem to notice. "What's going on?" she asked.

Dean took a bite of his food to help swallow down the tears threatening to form. "I...umm..." he said when his mouth was empty, "I had one of those episodes I used to have."

"About your dad?" Cassie asked.

Dean nodded wordlessly.

Cassie had actually met John Winchester. When they'd dated briefly in junior high, John had greeted Cassie with a warm smile. He'd been excited to meet someone who had made friends with Dean so quickly. Dean couldn't think about that right now.

After John had...died...Dean had had nightmares and night-sweats. He'd freak out randomly like he had in the bathroom. But he had to be strong for Sam; he couldn't exactly tell him that there was something happening to him. So, he'd sneak out of wherever they'd stopped for the night, find somewhere to borrow a phone, and call Cassie.

Cassie reached across the table and squeezed Dean's hand. She said, "I assume therapy's still out of the question."

Dean sighed. "I can't let Sam know," he said, "And it wouldn't do me any good anyway."

"How do you know?" Cassie asked.

Dean knew therapy was pointless for him. He knew what was causing his issues. He'd watched his father commit suicide. He'd watched. He'd been right there in the car. He'd-

"Dean," Cassie said, voice full of concern.

Dean retracted his shaking hand from hers. No one, not Cassie, not even Sam, knew what exactly had happened to John Winchester. And Dean had decided long ago to keep it that way.

Dean focused on his sandwich to slow his shaky breathing. He said evenly, "There's nothing a therapist could do for me, and it's only becoming an issue again because of Ben. I'm fine."

Cassie sighed and fixed Dean with a hard stare. "Dean, I'm decently sure your 'episodes' are panic attacks. At the very least, a therapist could help you get anti-anxiety medication," she said.

"Medication?! Cassie, I'm not-"

"Wait, who's Ben?"

Dean paused. It had been a while since he'd caught up with Cassie. He hadn't exactly told her about Lisa or Ben. "He's my girlfriend's son," he said quickly.

"What?!" Cassie asked, "You're dating someone?! Who has a kid!? Who are you, and what have you done with Dean Winchester?"

Her grin made Dean feel a bit better. Discussing medication wasn't something Dean ever wanted to do. There was nothing wrong with taking medication, but he could deal with his shit. He didn't need something like that. Talking about the little family he'd found was much more comfortable territory.

"Her name is Lisa. And she's great. She's got this warm smile, and she's beautiful. She's so caring, and-God, Cassie, she feels like home," Dean said, somehow smiling despite feeling so fragile.

Cassie grinned and said, "Holy crap, Dean, you sound like you're in love with her."

Dean didn't know what to say to that. Maybe he was in love with her. He wasn't so sure that was a good thing. He broke everything he touched. He hoped against hope that Lisa and Ben would be an exception.

"So, how are you with her kid?" Cassie asked.

"Ben's pretty great. I've only met him the once, but he's a cool kid," Dean said.

"So," Cassie teased, "You're a dad now, huh?"

"Shut up," Dean said, smiling to cover the pang those words caused in his chest. Dad. Yeah, he couldn't be a dad. Not after his dad. Dean vaguely noticed his hands start shaking again.

Cassie's smile faded, and she grabbed Dean's hands. "Hey," she said softly, "You're okay."

Dean almost laughed. It sounded like a lie when he said he was okay. Hearing Cassie say it bordered on ridiculous.

Dean took a deep breath and said, "I'm good. Sorry."

Cassie gave him a concerned look. "So, that's what's causing your issues? Ben's bringing up dad things for you?" she asked.

"Yeah, kind of. It's just that-" Dean started. He couldn't say it. Not out loud. not without breaking down.

Cassie asked, "It's just what?"

Dean took a long, cleansing breath. He could do this. He could say it. If he couldn't, maybe he needed more help than he thought. "It's just that I keep having this thought," he said. He paused. His voice shook when he said, "What if Ben and I get close? What if Ben starts seeing me as a father? What if I-"

Dean's voice broke as he choked on tears threatening to express themselves. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He had to be able to say it. "What if I leave? What if I abandon him like my dad just-" His breath hitched.

Cassie squeezed his hand, making him focus. "Hey, hey, Dean. Breathe," she said, voice full of concern and sympathy, "You're not your father, honey. You won't do that. If you get close with Ben, he'll have a father figure, which I gather he doesn't have now. And no matter what, it'll be okay."

"Thanks, Cassie," Dean said. he didn't believe all of what she said, but it was nice to hear.

Just then, Dean's phone rang. Dean pulled his hands away from Cassie and grabbed his phone out of his pocket. It was Lisa.

"Hey, Lisa," Dean said, thankful that his voice was calmer than he felt.

"Hey, Dean," Lisa said, "Umm, listen. I have to ask you for a favor. I need to work tonight, and normally my parents watch Ben, but my mom's sick, and-"

"You want me to watch him?" Dean asked.

Lisa sighed and said, "Yeah, could you? I mean, it's seriously unfair of me to be asking you to do this, but-"

Cassie studied Dean's face as he said, "I can watch him. That's fine."

"This is so cute, oh my God," Cassie said.

Lisa paused on the other end of the line and asked, "Dean, are you with someone right now?"

"Yeah," Dean said, "I'm having lunch with Cassie, why?"

"I just thought I heard someone-wait, Cassie? Like your ex-girlfriend, Cassie?" she asked.

Dean sighed. Of course he'd told Lisa about Cassie. Of course he did. Great.

"Technically, yes," Dean said, "But she's like a sister, so I don't-"

"I don't want to know. We'll talk about it later," Lisa said curtly, "Thanks for watching my son." She hung up before Dean could say another word.

Shit.

Dean looked at Cassie as he put his phone back in his pocket.

"Did your girlfriend just get jealous of me?" Cassie asked.

Dean nodded with a long sigh. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He and Cassie were just friends. When he'd told Lisa about her, that was exactly what he'd said.

"It'll be fine," Cassie said, "She hasn't even met me yet."

She was right. It'd be okay.

"Lisa didn't say what time I need to get there, so I'd better head out," Dean said.

Cassie nodded and gathered the rest of her sandwich.

Dean grabbed his food and said, "Thank you, Cassie." She knew why he was thanking her.

She stood up and wrapped Dean in a tight hug. "Anytime, Dean," she said.

They left Fantano's together, Dean feeling a bit better now than he had when he first walked in. He said a quick goodbye to Cassie and headed to Lisa's.

This was going to be a very interesting night.