CHAPTER 26: KAIBA EVOLUTION

Like the improbably incognito twins or girls pretending to be boys pretending to be girls in a Shakespearian comedy, it's easy to blink right past reality – even when it's doing handstands to get your attention. In Disney's "Mulan," does army captain and eventual love interest Li Shang miss seeing who Mulan really is because he's too focused on what he needs her to be: the perfect proof that he's capable of turning his raw recruits into an army? And yet, Mulan was the ideal soldier just as surely as she was a girl. Sometimes the eyes of need see accurately as well.

In a more perfect world we'd always see our hopes mirrored in the people around us. Alas, as the fact that Brussels sprouts are better for you than chocolate pudding would indicate, the world is rarely perfect. In the days leading up to Death-T, Kaiba looks at Mokuba and sees someone poised to betray him; Jounouchi looks at Kaiba and sees someone who doesn't deserve a second chance. Sometimes, like a child shoving his peas onto a sibling's plate when no one is looking, the things we see in others are the things we're most afraid of finding in ourselves.

KAIBA'S NARRATIVE

I woke up with my head in Yami's lap, hugging him. He was still stroking my hair. I'd been out a couple of hours. I wondered if Yami had stayed like that the whole time. He must have been bored out of his mind.

"Get some sleep," I told him as I got up.

"I have one thing to do first," he said. Yami came over to me and reached up until his hand cupped the back of my neck, right where it met the base of my skull. He just let it rest there a moment, leaving the decision up to me. I leaned in until our lips met. My mouth opened for his tongue as if last night had already become a habit. It was brief.

"Good night," he said as he lay back down. It didn't take him long to fall asleep. I paced the ground. Part of me wanted to sit down next to him, play with those crazy stalks of hair and see if Yami would hold on to me again and … but I couldn't sit still.

I ended up studying the Puzzle instead. In all the time I'd been wearing it, I'd avoided checking it out. It was beautiful; the eye at the center was hypnotic. Staring into its depths, for the first time it seemed like a fitting container.

It was strange to be so aware of my own lips. They felt strange, slightly bruised… almost like someone had back-handed me across the mouth. That was absurd, of course. It had been ages since anyone had gotten that close.

Except Yami.

Except last night. Except this morning.

This slight tenderness must have been caused by the pressure, I decided, remembering the feel of Yami's lips on mine.

I wasn't sure what had happened, even though I'd been the one to start it. Yami had been lying on the ground, not even breathing. One minute I was ready to start CPR if I had to, the next I was engaged in a different kind of mouth to mouth resuscitation.

The classics I'd been force-fed had mentioned kissing, of course. And it was hard to find a movie that didn't harp on its joys. Unsurprisingly, all of those books and movies had lied. Afterwards the participants never felt as unsettled, frustrated and flat out angry as I did right now. It was as if that kiss had shone a light in a dark hole that I hadn't known existed even though it was at the center of my life.

For the first time I wanted something that wasn't about Mokuba or Kaiba Corporation or even winning. I wanted Yami's hands on me, his mouth on mine. And more, I wanted him to hold me afterwards, which was pretty fucking unnerving. I frowned. I got the sex thing; it had a clear goal and its own definition of winning. But the rest… the hugging, the hair petting…it didn't make sense.

I could write off wanting sex as inopportune hormones or as an aberrant behavior brought on by shared danger or even as the game finally making me lose my mind, but that wasn't the whole picture. What I wanted was as hard to define as it was to dismiss. I couldn't deny that as exciting as groping Yami had been, holding him… being held… had unexpectedly been just as powerful. I'd felt stronger in Yami's arms, as though we could take on anything as long as we had each other's backs.

Yami kept insisting we were friends. I guess that meant he liked me. And his expression this morning (nauseatingly enough) could only be categorized as… fond. I couldn't remember anyone ever looking at me like that. Of course no one had ever kissed me like that, either. I liked it, but it made me feel like I'd fallen asleep on an ant hill instead of in his arms. Affection was just so fucking alien.

I knew what Yami would say: that friends look out for each other. But wasn't needing to be looked out for a sign of weakness in and of itself? I remembered Gozaburo, in my mind during that chess game, calling me Yami's bitch for needing his help. How was my liking him liking me, any different? I knew if I asked Yami why he'd been nice, if I asked him if he thought I was so weak I needed him to give a damn, we'd end up in a fight. I was pretty sure he'd take it as an insult or he'd be disappointed I couldn't just accept his friendship without looking for a price. Even if he managed to keep from yelling, I'd hear the disapproval in his voice as he growled my name. For once, I didn't want that.

I didn't regret stopping things. I couldn't, not when Mokuba was still out there and I didn't know he was safe. Yami had told me that protecting the people who are crucial to us makes us stronger. I believed that. I'd seen it in action. But he'd also told me I had to look out for myself. He acted like that wasn't a contradiction.

I couldn't resist summoning Noa. I usually tried to ration myself to calling him once a day. I told myself that I didn't want to be dependent on him, or to let him see how badly I needed his information. But that wasn't the whole truth… I didn't want to use Noa either, just because he had an ability I needed – and just because he'd made a promise to my brother. But I needed to know if Mokuba was okay, as if my kissing Yami had put him in danger somehow. It hadn't. It was a stupid thought.

Noa told me that Mokuba and Yugi were okay as soon as he arrived. I had to remember to let Yami know when he woke up. Noa paused before leaving. Then just like the last time I'd called him here, he asked me a question: "What did your father… your biological one I mean, do when you misbehaved?"

I didn't like talking, but I owed Noa an answer. And unlike everything else that was going on, obligation, at least, was familiar. It was calming. I thought for a minute, trying to remember that far back. "Before my mom… before Mokuba was born, he'd sit me down and talk. He didn't believe in hitting his kids." I shrugged. "It always ended the same way, with me feeling like crap and promising to do better. Afterwards… I don't remember him noticing anything we did."

It occurred to me his questions might have a point after all – that he was trying to piece together a portrait of a normal family. I bit back a laugh. It was his bad luck that he'd decided to use me for his reference material.

Noa bowed. "Thank you," he said as he disappeared.

I thought of Sugoroku asking me if power and strength were the same. Maybe it was easy to confuse them when you grew up with someone who had neither.

Yami would be awake soon. Already he was moving restlessly, almost opening his eyes before sliding back into sleep. I turned away from him again. It was time to double check the card inventory. I did it every morning. I wasn't going to shirk my tasks just because we'd kissed a bit the night before. What would be the point in that?

I whirled around, expecting to see the Wicked Worm Beast, but he wasn't there. Since getting chopped to bits didn't seem to be on his morning schedule today, I went back to calling up the game's Duel Monster inventory. It didn't take long to notice the change. Four cards – the last four cards in Pegasus' latest release – had been added. I reached out for the young horse, Fledgling Grace. I frowned. Someone had uploaded the data, but I couldn't add him to my roster or even pull him out to look at him. The colt stayed within the card's borders even as he shook out his wild black mane and stamped the ground with his wobbly legs.

I missed Mokuba.

I was getting used to the way this game suddenly called up the past and made it so real I had to remind myself that the vision right in front of my eyes was fake.

Mokuba was only eleven months old. I'd been watching him for days, ever since he'd taken his first steps. He wasn't doing very well though. The same thing happened every time. He'd crawl over to the couch then pull himself upright. He'd take a couple of steps on his own, then sit down abruptly. He'd looked so startled each time, I hadn't been able to keep from laughing. He'd join in, and then go right back to the couch and pull himself up again. I'd figured out that it didn't hurt when he fell. His butt was pretty well cushioned by the diaper. It had bothered me though, the way he couldn't get the hang of walking. I remembered worrying that if he couldn't do something as easy as walking he'd be totally lost when he had to learn stuff like reading or counting.

I'd stayed awake one night to catch my father. I was usually asleep by the time he got home from work, but I couldn't wait for the weekend. When I saw him appearing right in front of me as this vision played itself out, I drew in a breath, almost forgetting I was still in my virtual world and that my father was still dead. He had my height and Mokuba's black hair, although his was as neat as a salaryman's usually is. He had Mokuba's lavender gray eyes too. There were dark circles under them.

Predictably, the first words out of his mouth were, "What are you doing up at this hour, Seto? You should be asleep!"

"I wanted to talk to you. It's about Mokuba." I ignored his slight frown at the mention of my brother's name.

"He's not walking right," I continued. "Every time he tries he falls down. The most he's managed is eight steps. I counted."

"He'll be okay. His bottom's padded," he said.

"I know. I figured it out. That's the problem. His diaper's too big and puffy. It pulls him off balance. It's not aerodynamic." I said the word slowly. I smiled, remembering. It had been one of my favorite words, and I'd rarely gotten a chance to use it.

I focused on my father's face. I didn't remember him ever looking at me like that – the way I sometimes saw Sugoroku look at Yugi. Had I recorded the scene in my memory without noticing? Or was the game adding things that had never happened?

"Good try, Seto. It's not easy working 'aerodynamic' into a sentence, is it? But your brother's not an airplane or a racing car. It's much more important for a diaper to be absorbent than aerodynamic."

"I know, but that just makes things worse. When it gets wet, it gets so heavy it drags him down. Not that that happens a lot. I keep him clean," I assured my dad.

He reached out and pushed the bangs out of my eyes. I remembered my mother doing that.

"You're a very good big brother. Mokuba's lucky he has you." He sighed.

I liked it when he noticed me, but I hated it when he said that, like Mokuba didn't deserve being taken care of.

"I love him," I said, almost defiantly. Watching the scene, I remembered saying the words; it was still strange to hear them.

I'd expected my father to turn away and head off to his bedroom, loosening his tie as he went. It was what he usually did when we talked about my brother. That night though, he'd surprised me. He'd ruffled my hair again and said, "You don't need to worry about him so much, Seto. He'll be fine. Falling down is part of the process."

Just when I'd forgotten he was there, Yami's voice broke into my memory…

YAMI'S NARRATIVE

I woke up to see Kaiba standing with his back partly towards me. He was staring at an array of cards, oblivious to everything except the duel monsters in front of him. He was ignoring me so completely I might as well not have existed.

I'd felt so in sync with Kaiba last night, a connection that was akin to and yet insistently different from my bond with Yugi, intoxicating in its strangeness. And now it was morning and I was alone, acutely aware of just what a solitary thing a body is.

I rubbed my lips together, remembering the feel of Kaiba's mouth against mine. My tongue darted out and licked them, as if Kaiba was still a breath away, ready to open his lips to mine, ready to let me explore his mouth again, ready to let me claim it. It hadn't been enough to feel my own body… I'd wanted to possess Kaiba's as well. I'd wanted his blood pumping just as hard as mine, his breath to heat to the same degree, his skin to warm under my touch, all his senses to rush downwards, leaving him as achingly aware of me as I was of him. I refused to be a phantom.

Kaiba's face was in profile. I wondered what he was staring at so intently. I couldn't see the cards in front of him; it was like seeing a computer monitor from a bad angle. I caught Kaiba's smile as it scurried tentatively across his face, afraid to make its home there.

"Seto… you're smiling," I said.

How had his given name slipped out – a name I'd never used before?

Kaiba stiffened at the sound of my voice. His smile faded. When he spoke, he was all business.

"I saw Noa. Mokuba and Yugi are fine," he said, turning towards me. His eyes were as flat and inexpressive as his voice. Kaiba rushed on, not giving me time to ask why he had summoned Noa again, so soon. "New duel monsters have been added. You remember the cards I was working on right before we left? I added them to the duel disc database and sent them to Industrial Illusions – but I never uploaded them to this game. But here they are, all the same. It's weird though. Only the last four cards have been added and they don't work properly."

I expected him to go for the Shimmer Dragon. Kaiba surprised me by reaching out for Fledgling Grace instead. His hand passed through the card.

"Look," he said. "I can see them, but I can't add them to my roster."

"You ignored the dragon for a horse?"

He looked as close to embarrassed as I could imagine Kaiba ever looking.

"Fledgling Grace reminded me of Mokuba," he muttered.

I laughed. "Yeah, that mane of hair does look a bit like your brother's."

Kaiba looked even more uncomfortable. He shifted his feet, briefly looking a bit coltish himself.

"Not just that. The way he moves. It reminds me of Mokuba when he was just learning to walk."

Kaiba still looked uncomfortable, but the slight smile was back on his face as he thought about his brother. He looked open, even a bit vulnerable. I liked the view.

"That sounds like a happy memory," I said cautiously.

He looked startled. "It is. I haven't thought of it in years. At first Mokuba would hold my hand for balance. Then one day he just let go. He took five steps on his own, then turned and landed right back on his butt. He looked so surprised." Kaiba shook his head. "I can't believe how completely I'd forgotten,"

"You can't discard your past and hold onto it at the same time. Do you really want to be an amnesiac? I don't recommend it. Some things shouldn't be forgotten."

In all of our duels Kaiba had never retreated, never went into defense mode. Until now.

He shrugged. His face reset itself in its usual unrevealing lines, his voice regained its brisk, impersonal tone. "I'm trying to keep up with our card inventories. I designed the game so that once a duel monster is sent to the graveyard the player can't get it back for the rest of the session without using a Monster Reborn – and we still only have access to three of them – or another Spell or Trap card. That's still true. But I never intended for a session to last this long or include so many challenges. The longer we stay here, the more likely it is we'll blow through our favorite cards."

"Maybe that's not a bad thing, Seto," I said. "Isn't that what this game is about… breaking old patterns and exploring new things?"

This time I used his name deliberately, hoping to provoke a reaction. He ignored it again.

"I was hoping these four duel monsters would be available to us. They look pretty powerful. But putting new cards in your deck is always a risk. Shaking up a strategy that works is usually a fucked up move," he answered.

"You can't look to the future and be afraid to change the present," I pointed out.

"I'm not afraid of anything!" he snarled.

"Aren't you?" I grabbed him and pulled him to me. I was much less gentle than when I'd kissed him goodnight earlier. Just like before, he responded to my touch, leaned in into my hold. How could he be so distant one moment and kiss me so hungrily the next? I forgot everything but the feel of his mouth open to mine, the feel of the muscles of his shoulders and back under my hands. As I kneaded his shoulders I felt them bunch with the wrong kind of tension, even though his mouth was still glued to mine.

I released him and stepped back.

"I get it, Kaiba," I said. Something flashed in his eyes. I wondered if he was disappointed or relieved I'd gone back to calling him "Kaiba." I continued, for once over-riding whatever comment he'd been about to make. "You're worried about Mokuba. You're not any more used to all this than me. But you're not going to pretend last night didn't happen." I ran my hands down my torso. His eyes followed my every move; his lips parted slightly in response; he was still breathing heavily. "My body was real enough to feel everything that happened. So was yours and you know it. But here you are pretending it was all just another illusion. I expected better from you."

"Don't tell me what to do!" he yelled.

"Don't act like I don't exist!" I shouted back.

"Stop accusing me of that! I thought if last night convinced you of anything it was that you – and your body – are all too incredibly real to me!" He took a step towards me, stopped, then stepped forwards again and put his hands on my shoulders. "And if I was going to insult you I'd do it to your face, not by ignoring you."

I reached up and brushed his hair back from his forehead before cupping his cheek in my palm.

"Stop looking at me like that," he muttered.

"Like what? Like I want you? Or like I care about you? Which bothers you more?"

"I'm not Yugi or any of your friends. I've never bought into the whole power of unity thing and you know it… I've never understood how relying on someone wasn't a weakness, no matter how many duels you and Yugi won because of it," Kaiba said. Despite his words, his grip tightened on my shoulders. I rested my free hand against the small of his back, just above the waistband of his pants. My other hand was still caressing his face.

I'd read Kaiba's distracted mood as an attack. Instead he'd been fighting his own battle.

"You're not your adoptive father," I repeated. "Let go of his values."

"And you should carry around a mirror just so you can check every time you doubt that you exist. Not that I'd take advice from someone who forgets to breathe occasionally, anyway," Kaiba said with a smirk.

I grinned back, conceding the point, pleased to see the fire return to his eyes, erasing the blank, shuttered look he'd worn all morning.

He paused, shrugged and added. "So this is weird for you too, huh? I guess I can live with that as long as…"

"So long as we're in it together," I suggested, just as Kaiba finished by saying, "As long as you're just as fucked up about it as me."

JOUNOUCHI'S NARRATIVE

Anzu was with Pegasus. He was painting her portrait or something. I didn't like it, but as Anzu had pointed out I didn't have to. And I didn't need her to tell me Pegasus had been helpful. But that didn't mean I trusted him. He'd finally finished our avatars, but the first time I'd used it had been a bust. All I saw was a bunch of landscapes with no one in them but other NPCs. A couple of hot girls, but no Yugi. We had to ration our time on them. The circuitry or whatever wasn't made for any kind of heavy duty connection between the lab and the virtual world.

Me and Honda were spending a lot of time in the Kaiba Corporation computer lab. It was the closest I could get to my friends. I couldn't get used to being able to waltz in and out like I owned the place, though. Isono was there, as usual. Me and Honda nodded to him as we came in.

Isono was tinkering with the one remaining, uncompleted pod. He had the top off of it and was messing around with the insides. His laptop was open. He'd check something on the screen, fiddle with the wiring, double-check the computer again, do something else, then go back to the computer, scroll down and start the process again. I swear that glaciers move faster.

I held up the bag of doughnuts I was carrying.

"Hi. Want one?" I offered. It's easy being polite when you know the other guy is going to say, "No."

Isono smiled slightly and shook his head.

"Sticky fingers and wiring don't mix well," he said.

"Your loss," I said as I stuffed another doughnut in my mouth. Honda wrestled the bag away from me.

"We'll save you one," he said to Isono.

Isono smiled politely and went back to work. I glanced at the wall clock. It was way after quitting time on any normal job. It suddenly hit me that no matter what time of day or night I wandered in here, I always saw Isono – and he was usually playing with that VR pod. And he didn't talk much, but I remembered him snapping at Pegasus every time he put Kaiba down. I wondered what was up with that.

"Hey man, what gives? Your boss is off in la-la-land. You could be at the movies every afternoon for all he'd know."

Isono had looked up briefly when I'd started talking. Then he dropped his eyes back to the guts of the VR pod.

"No, seriously… what are you doing with that thing?" I asked.

"Completing this pod so at least one of us can go to their aid," he said.

"You're an engineer?" I asked curiously. I'd thought of him as a flunky in a suit, the kind that always seem to go with rich guys like a human Rolex watch.

"Seto-sama's notes are very thorough." He hadn't really answered my question but I let it pass.

"You really think you can fix this hunk of junk?" I asked.

Isono didn't stop working. Just when I figured he was ignoring me again he said, "The number of people Seto-sama trusts with his life is so small. I would add to that number if I could."

"I know what you mean. Him and Mokuba are lucky they have you and Fubeta watching their backs." A jerk like Kaiba was lucky he had anyone that could stand him, but I managed to keep from saying that. It's a good thing Isono couldn't hear my thoughts. "You're here all hours of the day and night," I added.

"So are you," he pointed out.

"Yeah but Yugi's my friend. I've never had a real job – not like you, but I don't know if I'd go all out like this for any boss I've ever had."

"It's an honor to work for Seto-sama," he said. Isono was such a quiet guy, it was funny how fierce he sounded when he said that.

"You've been with Kaiba Corporation a while, huh?" I asked wondering what that was like. My dad had never kept a job longer than a month running.

"Since I graduated. My father worked for Kaiba Corporation all his life. He was Gozaburo-sama's chief bodyguard. I followed in his footsteps. To do anything less would have been an insult."

"Wow, that's rough. Your dad made you work here?" I asked.

"No. I never told my father how I felt. He was so proud of giving me a secure future."

"Maybe I'm lucky," I joked. "I don't have that problem. So it was kind of like a family business – you guys and Kaiba Corporation?"

Isono paused again. He seemed to come to some decision. At any rate he looked up from the pod and said, "My father gave his life to protect Gozaburo-sama."

"Oh shit, man. I'm sorry. That sucks. He sounds like a great guy…" I mumbled.

Isono nodded. "He was. How could I work anywhere else? It would be like saying his sacrifice was in vain."

"I don't get it. Why didn't you want to work here?" I asked, confused. Or maybe I was just surprised Isono was actually talking. I glanced at Honda. He looked just as weirded out as me.

"It was the old Kaiba Corporation – the one that made weapons, not games," Isono said.

I nodded. I loved video games – the more things blowing up the better, but I couldn't imagine working for a place that killed people by the thousands for real. Hell, even Kaiba had gotten all wound up just thinking about how Kaiba Corporation had made its money.

"What honor is there in a corporation that drops death on children from the sky?" Isono went on, like once he'd started talking he couldn't stop. "What honor is there in protecting its leader? Then Seto-sama took over. He gave me a future I could be proud of."

I felt bad for Isono, and I was really trying to get along, but no way was I letting that pass.

"Your precious boss tried to kill us! He built a fucking theme park of death!"

"Your friend had something that belonged to Seto-sama. He was a threat to everything Seto-sama had accomplished. You saw what happened when he lost one of your so-called games, how quickly the Big 5 turned on him. Seto-sama needed to hold on to his victories that tightly, to fight back that hard. It's the world we were raised into."

I snorted. I was pretty pleased with myself. Kaiba himself couldn't have done it better. "That's not what he likes to pretend lately. He keeps acting like all he ever wanted to do was give kids a happy childhood."

Isono looked me right in the eye as he said, "It's not a pretense. Nor is it a contradiction. Why do you think he desires it so devoutly?"

I didn't know what to say to that. I was pretty used to thinking of Kaiba as this jerk I hated and letting it go at that. The idea that Kaiba was fighting against the way he was raised, against becoming what everyone expected him to be, was just weird. I knew exactly what Isono was talking about, though. Even my mom figured I was going to wind up a dead-end loser like my dad. Hell, I'd been halfway to believing it myself before I'd met Yugi.

Honda surprised me by walking over to Isono. He knelt down next to him, and bent over the pod.

"Can I help? I've played around a bit with my motorcycle. I mean, I know it's not the same…"

Isono nodded and pointed towards his toolkit, saying, "I would appreciate an extra pair of hands."

I nodded. "Count me in, too. Like you said, our friends are in there. The sooner we can help them, the better," I said.

Isono smiled shyly. He looked a little embarrassed. It was more than I'd ever heard him talk and I suddenly was sure he hadn't said any of it to his boss.

I grabbed the bag back from Honda.

"But first, you can take five so we can finish off these doughnuts," I said.

As Isono reached into the bag, I couldn't help hoping he wouldn't pick the last cream filled one.

Thanks to Bnomiko for betaing this chapter!

Thanks to Indigo for catching the typo in Chapter 25. Every time I change something after getting it back from being betaed I leave in a mistake. I corrected it when I uploaded this chapter. Thanks also for your comments: I'm a sucker for any kind of quests but I agree with you that quests for enlightenment are a favorite.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: At some point, waaaaaay back when I started posting this I thought it would be really cute if all the chapter titles were the names of booster packs and structure and starter deck titles. It seemed like a fun game, and let's face it, there are enough dramatic all-purpose titles like "Rise of the Dragon Lord" or "Threat of the Demon World" to go around. I knew though, that given that this was going to end up being a long story, somewhere between chapter 20 and 30 I was going to be sitting here (like I am now) wondering exactly what was going through my mind when I decided this was a good idea.

I don't write very sequentially. When I start putting together a story I almost always start out with seemingly unrelated scenes and part of the task is figuring out how they go together and why. Kaiba waking up feeling like he's been smacked in the mouth was one of the earliest fragments I wrote. For me though, it really sums up just where Kaiba is at at this point – that the only reference he has for being kissed is feeling like he's just been hit.

Isono Note: There's a scene in the DOMA arc of the anime where Kaiba tells Isono that since he's lost control of Kaiba Corporation, Isono doesn't need to call him Seto-sama any more and Isono replies that since Kaiba changed KC from weapons to games he'll always be Seto-sama to him. It's one of the few things he says besides "Duel Begins" and "Duel Ends" and I think I fell just a little in love with him when he said that. Anyway, I wanted to give Isono a bit of a backstory and look at why he might feel that way about Kaiba and Kaiba Corporation. We all know Isono is incredibly loyal; I thought it would be interesting to look at why.

Review Note: I reply directly to all signed reviews. I post responses to unsigned reviews on my Live Journal account. The link is on my biopage. Anyone who wants to see a summary of all my responses can also check it out. Responses to the previous chapters will be posted when a new chapter is updated.

As always, comments would be adored…