A couple of quick notes: I appreciate EVERYONE who marks this a favorite or leaves a comment. A couple of you have recently left reviews that have truly touched me and just made my day seem perfect; I owe you a personal response but real life has been crazy lately.
Also, I had forgotten to put in a note as I did on the "other forum" that the romance is supposed to have a bit of fairytale aspect to it, grounded in realism. So Obi & Siri tiptoe forward, but they don't have all the "real life talks" - besides, they've known each other all their lives.
Anyway, it's time to listen to the Force...and act on its will.
Chapter 26: Surrender to the Force
Live in the moment. Who else but Siri would invoke his master's pet adage in a situation such as this, for such a purpose? A Jedi cannot be easily seduced against his will – but what if his will was yearning towards her?
"Siri." Obi-Wan didn't know what else to say, not sure yet whether he would explore or evade the promise behind her words. A finger caressed her cheek, as soft as the tone in which he had spoken her name, as tender as if her very name was an endearment.
He wanted nothing more than to say yes; wanted nothing more than to do the right thing. He could have Siri in his arms as she had been in his dreams. All he had to do was kiss her for dreams to become reality, or step back for dreams to remain only that.
Does not the Force whisper to you?
It does, but why should it? A part of his mind was scandalized at the very thought – how dare he justify personal desire with the will of the Force?
Trust your instincts…trust that the Force would not lead you astray when you hear it clearly, nor that you stray when you follow your own heart's urging.
While surely there was nothing but his own hopes and desires whispering to him, for a moment, he could almost think there was a presence urging him on, reassuring him that there was no reason to hold back, that the choice was his and blessed by the Force. He had the tacit blessing, even, of two of his fellow Council members. No doubt his old master would so urge him, if it were he actually communicating from the netherworld of the Force.
A good kick in the backside would propel you right into her arms; I'm tempted, sorely tempted, Padawan. Alas, I cannot.
If what he heard was his master, he surely must be rolling his eyes right now.
The Force seemed to be humming along quite contentedly, with a nudge or two that was almost physical. Before he could take that step forward, that step towards Siri, he would first say all that he needed to say.
"We cannot formally commit to each other; our commitment is to the Force and the Order," he reminded her, his eyes holding her gaze. If they were seriously considering moving forward they had to be totally honest and open with each other, for there was no room for misunderstandings, no going back.
"We're all a part of the Force, so by committing to it, perhaps, in a way we commit to each other through it," Siri responded, tilting her head back, a slight smile playing round her lips. She, too, felt the Force singing through her! "The Force itself has drawn us together, love; we're not very good Jedi if we don't listen. I love you, Obi-Wan – this part of the Force shaped in your form and mind – I want to know you on every level possible, to be one with you in all ways granted two people."
As do I, as well, but he could not voice the thought, not yet; held that truth in the depths of his heart – to wonder at it and marvel at its very simplicity.
What Siri offered was a gift beyond imagining; not mere physical intimacy, but the ultimate intimacy between two Force-sensitive beings. Hearts, minds, and souls entwined; every thought, every emotion open to the other – of intimacy without barriers, requiring absolute trust.
Was not that what he most desired, as well? A letting go of self; a merging of selves within the embrace of the Force? Were not their Force presences already dancing in tandem, shields dropping and intimacy of the mind and soul deepening by the second?
As if sensing his thoughts, Siri smiled as she gently touched his face. "I know so much of you already, Obi-Wan, there is very little left for me to get intimately acquainted with."
"Perhaps not quite so little," he quipped, thinking of a certain long ago quip to a very different woman. This woman in front of him wanted nothing but what he willingly gave and he wanted nothing more than to willingly give her all that was his to give.
He bent his head to hers; pressed a gentle kiss against her lips as the Living Force flowed around and through him, its very presence approval and acceptance.
"Oh, love." She kissed him back, pressing into his embrace as his arms came around her. Another kiss left them both breathless and shaking. Siri nestled her head against his shoulder as he rested his head upon hers, both their hearts thudding in unison.
"Kenobi, are you sure – you do know what to do, don't you?"
Obi-Wan grinned at Siri's sudden blush of dismay. He knew her too well, she couldn't help the last; she was too used to teasing him and it just slipped out.
"Minx! I'm sure you'll be only too happy to instruct me in the proper forms," he nibbled at her lips, trailing across her cheek to her earlobe, resisting the sudden near-primal urge to just sweep her in his arms and take her straight to his room as Siri entwined her arms behind his neck and pressed even closer to him. He could no longer tell the beating of her heart from his own.
He nuzzled a spot between her ear and neck, hearing a half-gasp, half-moan of pure pleasure brush past his own ear.
"Oh, I think you'll do quite… quite well on your own, Master Kenobi." Her whisper blew like a caress across his neck, just as her lips did a moment later.
"Wanton woman," he groaned.
Just as she had surrendered to his touches, he surrendered as well. Never one to delay action once he reached a decision, he nuzzled a bearded chin down her neck, down to the enticing curve of neck and shoulder; placed gentle kisses there in between his next words as Siri sighed with each kiss, lips slightly parted.
"As always, you win, Siri. Have you somewhere special in mind? The couch where we fell asleep in each other's arms the other night – though it might be too cramped, if I remember correctly."
He laughed silently, already knowing her response to that.
"Whoa, boy, a little too enthusiastic, you are." Siri poked him in the chest, clearly thrilled with the mischievous tone in his voice. "How about somewhere a bit more conventional – at least, at first?"
"The backseat of a speeder?" he suggested, stifling a reminiscent chuckle. "I recall Anakin being rather enthused about such. I was appalled; he was barely of legal age, that very night I believe. Called me an old prude he did, right before the alcohol he'd consumed dropped him at my feet. Had the cheek to tell me I needed to live more as I all but carried him to bed. I knew right then he'd most likely been a little too drunk to actually do anything, though I'm sure he tried."
If he remembered correctly, Anakin had actually slurred, "You need a woman, Master, it might bring a smile to your face 'stead of that frown."
He'd never seen Anakin so sick before or since. It had been a long night and day of warm compresses and a hand on his padawan's shoulder as he spent the majority of the day on his knees in the refresher.
In return for his caretaking, he had been accused of not being understanding enough. He'd almost let the boy hang over the bowl on his own, then, but he'd risen above his hurt, keeping his mouth shut.
Being a self-contained, reserved man not given to emotional excesses, he had been afraid his moody, hormonal teenager would turn out to be a terror amongst the padawans, but it seemed the boy's hormonal lust was less innate than fueled by alcohol. Anakin was a quick learner when he wished to be, and he had learned not to overindulge after a long day's sickness and misery, not to mention his master's lectures on purging his system of the effects and the need not to dull his senses.
Many months later Anakin had met his childhood crush, Padme Amidala, for the first time since age nine. Ever since, Anakin's attentions had been focused on an unrequited adolescent crush; a young boy's admiration had re-awoken in a man's body.
Unrequited, Obi-Wan at least hoped, for he was sure the fervor of his attraction would draw his padawan into an attachment the young Jedi could not harbor should anything come of it. The master had already had to remind him of his duty in the sky over Geonosis, rather firmly and forcibly – to focus on the mission at hand rather than the woman in his heart.
He wasn't sure if Anakin had grown beyond that stage of attraction, beyond attachment. Even if perchance Padmé returned the boy's affections – which he somewhat suspected she might - she was far too sensible to risk either one of them in any emotional entanglement beyond mere friendship. Even if she was not keeping the boy at arm's length, he trusted Padmé to have done so until Anakin was emotionally mature enough to handle the relationship as both a man and a Jedi, as she would as a Senator and woman.
Culturally and politically, personal relationships, whether formal or not were accepted on an equal footing on most worlds of the galaxy. Some worlds still had a bias towards formal marriage; especially those with cultural and spiritual traditions of inheritance and intricate family relationships.
No, a relationship between the two only concerned Obi-Wan because he doubted Anakin was mature enough yet to handle such emotions as was required of a Jedi.
As the boy's master, it was Obi-Wan's duty to see his padawan kept free of emotional entanglements, of attachments that a Jedi could not indulge, and Padmé well knew the potential for dangerous consequences – she would not risk Anakin's emotional well being, let alone his career. She understood all too well duty and responsibility.
Obi-Wan now, finally, understood in the depths of his heart and his mindwhy he and Siri had not been forbidden to express their hearts. Each valued the other and the Force above self; their love had matured and grown over the years to a non-attached state of connection that needed nothing for itself and thus was untainted by the shadow of greed.
It simply was, as the Force itself was.
For a Jedi, love was about balance, about growing beyond attachment. One could love, if one loved enough to let go, if one remained committed to the Force before all else. Love could be a tool of the Force, but it could not supplant it; a Jedi could not worship at that altar.
As a padawan in love himself, years ago, he had not known the difference between the flaming passion of newly discovered love and the steady, warming glow of on-going love. Parting then had hurt terribly; if they were to part now, he would always be able to look back on this time with fondness and no regrets.
Bonds of affection and friendship bound them; bonds allowed and bonds born of the Force and fueled not by youthful hormones, but a deep and abiding love for each other.
That deep and unconditional love, my padawan, Tahl and I never had a chance to discover – we went from friendship to flaming passion but we did not have the time to grow beyond that. The shadow of obsession, of greed caught me as it will catch Anakin… the key to prevent his fall is within you; let Siri unlock it and save you all.
"Should we let him catch us, then? Save that for Anakin's return?"
Siri's wink brought him back from his momentary descent into his thoughts; her humorous comment made him wonder if she was privy to Anakin's youthful indiscretion.
"Force, no," Obi-Wan exclaimed, aghast. Doing a pretty good imitation of Yoda, he croaked, "Discretion, Obi-Wan, discretion you must practice if to her arms you go."
"Oh, Force," Siri nearly giggled. "That's almost as bad as what Dex said. 'It's the lass next to ya' that can warm your bed at night.' It's a conspiracy."
The absurdity of the situation struck them both as they stood there. Once the mirth died away, a momentary silence took over as each waited for the other to make the next move.
Obi-Wan's hand lifted to Siri's hair, brushed a strand behind her ear; finally, he spoke.
"We have no choice, then. We must proceed. We're mature enough to walk away again if we can't handle it. No greed, no fear can interfere." It was his best politician-giving-an-inspiring-speech voice, mellifluous and sonorous, a declamatory proclamation that covered deep emotion.
Siri's voice was suddenly soft and earnest; proof of her utter sincerity. One hand came up to caress his cheek.
"Force be damned if I let you get away from me again. Just one thing, love – we agree we end it with no regrets and friendship intact if we can't handle it. Our friendship is far more important to me, and I don't want to ever lose it."
"We can have each other as long as we can let the other go," he agreed. "It would tear my heart in two to let you go but I wouldn't stop you."
"My heart would go with you should I let you go."
He brushed her cheek with a finger. "I don't want to ever hurt you again like I did before."
"Or I you, but we have to risk being hurt to really live, don't we? If we listen to the Force, it will guard and protect us. As it brought us together before – before that woman tore you away – as it brought us together with a kiss."
The two Jedi gazed at each other – and both smiled at the same time.
All joking, teasing and bantering was put aside. There were no more arguments to be made, no reasons to be considered. He listened to the Force; it told him to listen to his heart – and he heard what it had to say.
"We will let the Force guide us, then," Obi-Wan said softly. His hands came up to clasp Siri's face as his mouth claimed hers, the kiss deepening until he pulled back, almost gasping and faintly flushed.
After catching her own breath, Siri reached up to brush Obi-Wan's lips with a gentle finger. "I'm up to date, so we don't have to worry about little Kenobi's – if you're really certain you're ready to," she grinned coyly, "let me'warm your bed'."
"You know how stubborn I am. No one can talk me into anything I don't want to do."
"Really…who's talking you into anything? I thought I was seducing you." Siri released her grip on Obi-Wan's neck and suddenly realized what a mess she was. She looked down at her wet clothes and shook her head sadly.
"Some seductress, huh?"
"You're not the usual picture of one, not with this," Obi-Wan plucked a piece of food debris from her hair, "tangled in your hair. I must admit that being on Rigelus II looked the part far more."
"That third-gender part-male, part-female, part-unknown?" Siri giggled, remembering. "I heard about that from Adi, who heard some of that story from Qui-Gon."
Obi-Wan merely rolled his eyes. He had been horrified at the time, but far worse horrors had occurred since then.
"Qui-Gon thought it might be instructional – you know – educational for me to participate in a cross-cultural experience since our mission had ended."
"I gather you didn't." Siri's eyes danced as Obi-Wan sheepishly relayed the story.
"Force no, once I made it clear to my master just what he had agreed to; it was one of the few times I saw him speechless. I had told him I had a bad feeling about it, but he just brushed me off as usual, thinking it was some perfectly innocent proposal. He grumbled and growled, trying to figure out how to retract his promise or how to make it up to me later if he couldn't."
Imagining Qui-Gon sputtering at a loss for words and Obi-Wan frozen with revulsion while politely trying to fend off a romantic overture, Siri couldn't help laughing. In the end, Obi-Wan ended up chuckling along with her.
"Luckily the Regellian retracted the offer once it realized – courtesy of my master - we were anatomically incompatible; its attraction to me just evaporated. I never appreciated mind tricks as much as I did then, though I never was brave enough to ask Qui-Gon just how he managed that…, well."
He shook his head; then tilted it on one side to flash a sudden grin at Siri. "I have to admit, for a scaly hided humanoid, it was somewhat attractive – no soap and food scraps all over it."
"Force. Let me wash this greasy water off and I'll join you in a few minutes. Don't run away. You are certain about this?
"Yes. I have learned there are no real certainties in life – but this, yes, I'm sure. Just get all of this," he plucked a piece of food from her hair, "off before you join me. I'll be waiting for you after a quick clean up myself." Obi-Wan leaned in and kissed her, then wrapping his fingers around hers he walked with her towards the fresher.
With a saucy wink he headed for his room after gathering a towel and bowl of water, and with a rather cheerful, if rakish, look she couldn't quite identify.
Just what did that silly gundark have in mind?
**
It wasn't the warm water that made her tingly, Siri decided, but anticipation. This was Obi-Wan, the man she loved, who waited for her. No matter how the night went, it would be spent together, in each other's arms, and thus the night could not help but be perfect.
Warm, gentle and loving, this night in warm, gentle, and loving arms would be; with soft kisses caressing her skin – but only if she went to him. With a decisive snap, she turned off the water and reached for a towel, patting herself relatively dry.
Should she just wrap the now-wet towel around her – after all, it would be quite quickly discarded once she reached his room.
"You dear, thoughtful man," she murmured, as she stepped out of the shower and saw what awaited her.
Obi-Wan had quietly snuck in and left her a robe, one that had not been there before. It smelled faintly of the scent she associated with Obi-Wan and she smiled as she finger combed her hair. She felt both giddy and uncertain, but the uncertainty was not whether she wanted to take this step, but if the experience would be anything like she had imagined.
No doubt it would be better.
The thoughtfulness of the warm robe was typical Obi-Wan. Both of them were moving into uncharted territory; neither would be fully comfortable at first and he probably expected her to feel a bit shy. He probably was also, despite his apparent capitulation. It might even be that this would turn out not to be the time and Siri was fully prepared to retreat if she thought it right.
Wrapping the robe around her and tying it loosely, she took a breath and stepped out of the 'fresher and padded barefoot to Obi-Wan's room. She hesitated, a hand on the door. Did Obi-Wan have the same butterflies?
Lifting her chin up, Siri pushed the door open and stepped forward into a shift in their relationship.
Obi-Wan was waiting for her, covers demurely up to his chin as he grinned at her. "Join me, Knight Tachi?" If he was feeling discomfited, he was hiding it well. On the other hand, once Obi-Wan Kenobi made a decision, he didn't second-guess it but proceeded boldly ahead. The look in his eyes – he was all but daring her to make the next move.
Fine. She could step up to a dare as well as he. She padded over to his bed and grinned down at him. "Ready, Kenobi?"
Her hands clutched the coverlet as he looked calmly back at her. She suddenly realized that he had something planned and Siri's eyes narrowed. What trick was he trying to pull on her? Winning the fight for the covers, she pulled it back and froze as one hand crept over her mouth. Now this was – so not Obi-Wan Kenobi. She couldn't restrain a giggle.
Obi-Wan sat up and pulled her down to sit beside him, then looked where she was looking and shrugged. "You don't like them?"
"Kenobi – I never expected - that."
"Why not?" He looked wounded. His sleep pants were adorned with gundarks in all sorts of garish and unreal colors. His face was suddenly unreadable. "They were a gift from Anakin years ago. Said I shouldn't care how wild they were because no one would ever see me wearing these."
"You're right about that, Kenobi," Siri agreed. "The sooner we get those off you, the better." Despite herself, she giggled again and reached forward. "They have got to go."
"What do I tell Anakin?" he countered, his hands meeting hers.
"Nothing," she said smugly, since by now that was what he was wearing. Soon she was similarly attired, as Obi-Wan took a hold of the robe and slipped it off her shoulders, his fingers tingling against warm and still damp skin, but his eyes continued to meet hers, crinkling in that half smile she knew so well.
She knew with a quiet certainty that this was more, far more, than just physical attraction.
Obi-Wan truly loved her – the Siri she displayed and the one she kept hidden, just as she loved him the same. They already knew each other intimately in all ways but one, and his eyes showed his knowledge of the same. Still, she had to ask one more time.
"Are you sure? I mean – after all these years – after feeling we couldn't give in to our feelings?" Neither of them touched the other, but their eyes spoke volumes and the air seemed charged.
"I'm sure." He leaned forward to kiss her as her arms came around him and brought him down with her.
"All that I am, all that I have to give, I give to you," he whispered.
"As I to you," she murmured, just before their lips met.