A/N: Yes, this is the desperately needed epilogue. But, for those who wish to read more about what happened between the end of the last chapter and this epilogue (yes, months have passed in the story), then head over to the SGA Spare Parts Bin and read Breathe. It covers those missing months.

Enjoy!

Epilogue

Eyeing the laptops that had been sitting in the pile of unused personal laptops for some small eternity, McKay turned to Zalenka. "Clean them up and get rid of them. I'm tired of this junk all over the labs."

Of course, Zalenka, in turn delegated this task to another underling; and so on down the line until the lowest man in the hierarchy finally had no one else to turn to. With a resigned sigh, he hefted a stack and disappeared into a closet-sized space where he could work on several at one time. Opening them up he booted six at once and waited for their desktops to appear. One had a still-open document. He was about to click close when the first lines sank in.

.

Dear Carson,

If you're reading this, then I'm dead…

.

"Holy shit," he whispered.

For a moment he was torn between taking it straight to Doctor Beckett and reporting it to Doctor McKay. McKay's angry red face appeared in his mind sealing it. Grabbing the laptop he headed right back to the lab from which he came. Moments later he found the astrophysicist hunched over something on his worktable.

"Doctor McKay?"

McKay kept at what he was studying.

"Doctor McKay?" he asked again a little louder.

Another minute.

"Doctor McKay, I have something I think you need to see."

McKay mumbled something to himself and tapped some stuff on his tablet.

"Doc—"

"Yes! Yes! Yes! What do you want that is so important you have to—"

Catching sight of the laptop and the first lines of the document Rodney not only fell to silence, but his face paled considerably. "Oh no…" he said sitting back down heavily on a stool.

"Should we tell him?"

Suddenly Rodney came back to the present, his eyes refocusing on the lab tech in front of him. His face twisted in anger as he snatched the laptop away. "It's none of your damn business! How much did you read, huh? You should stay out of other people's stuff! Now get out of here!"

His heart twisting painfully for his friend, McKay couldn't stop himself. Closing and locking his lab door, he sat down to find out what else there was. He was surprised to find similar letters to Sheppard and Lorne. Apparently she had saved Carson's for last. Rodney closed his eyes in pain for his friends. Inside, half of him screamed to delete them all. His friends had suffered enough losing her. To dredge up this pain and make it fresh after all this time…

The other half of him screamed back that he had no right to take this away from them. These words were a part of her that she had left for them. Not for the first time McKay found himself hating all the time he had wasted hating her. She really was a good person. She had been good to his friends. She even saved his life. He would never have seen her as a friend, but at least he didn't have to hate her for so long. No, he had no right to silence her last words to them.

His heart heavy, Rodney sent three emails. Closing the laptop, he put that one away in his quarters in a place no one would ever know.

~o~o~o~

At three different locations in the city, three different laptops received emails with document attachments. Sheppard was the first to notice his email since he tended to do his unavoidable, important, commanding officer type paperwork later in the night.

.

John: Read this before you open the attachment.

Look I was cleaning off some old laptops when I found this. There's two more. One for Carson, and another for Lorne. They're from Alex. I didn't read them, but I saw enough of the one that was open to know she knew. She knew what was coming. She wanted to say goodbye. I'm sorry. I know this sucks. Just delete it if you don't want to reopen that wound. I figured I'd give you fair warning.

Rodney

.

Sheppard sat back in his chair, all thought of work forgotten. He stared at the message and stared at the unopened attachment. Chewing his lip he tried to figure out what he was feeling. Did he feel anything anymore? He'd put away the pain so deep he wasn't sure there was anything left but little snapshots of her in his mind. Everything else he'd drowned out with a couple of rounds of liquor.

Shaking his head he reached for his computer. He replied to McKay thanking him for the warning and then deleted the original. Next he emailed Lorne.

.

Major Lorne,

I've been going over records and I find a concerning lack of vacation days taken in the last few years. You're off tomorrow.

Lt. Col. John Sheppard

.

Sheppard set the email as high priority. Then he emailed Doctor Weir, knowing the woman was always up and about later than she should be.

Weir read the email, her heart feeling heavy all over again. She could almost smack McKay, but she knew he meant well. With a sigh she opened a new email and set it to high priority.

.

Doctor Beckett,

I've been going over employee records and I find that you have taken almost no leave time in recent years. You're off tomorrow.

Doctor Weir

.

~o~o~o~

Still giggling after her recent tussle turned tickling match with Evan, Rebecca headed over to the table for some water. The flashing screen showing a high-priority email was unmistakable.

"Evan, you've got something from Colonel Sheppard. High priority."

"What?! I didn't hear my radio go off!" he said, jumping still naked from bed to computer.

Turning back toward the water decanter, Rebecca poured herself a glass. She wanted to smack the Colonel. She so rarely got to spend time with Evan.

"What?" Evan asked, utterly confused. "I'm off tomorrow?"

"That's great!" Rebecca said, thinking she was going to have to hug the Colonel the next time she saw him.

"Hang on," he said. "There's something here from McKay."

.

Major Lorne: Read this before you open the attachment.

Look I was cleaning off some old laptops when I found this. There's two more. One for John, and, of course, one for Carson. They're from Alex. I didn't read them, but I saw enough of the one that was open to…Look, she wanted to say goodbye. I'm sorry. I know this sucks, delete it if you want, but I couldn't. I figured I'd give you fair warning.

Dr. McKay

.

"Oh God…" Evan whispered, feeling the blood drain from his face.

Sensing something was wrong, Rebecca put down the glass and leaned over his shoulder. Seeing the message, she gripped his shoulder and turned him around to face her. The look of devastation was one she had seen before. She hugged him to her fiercely. She had loved Alex, but she could curse the damn woman for doing this to him. Worse, McKay had sent it. The next time that man came into the infirmary…

Evan hugged her back, just as fiercely before taking a deep breath and pulling back so he could turn her and pull her down to sit on his lap. The smile he gave her then was one she knew was for her alone.

"Did I ever tell you that Alex is the reason you're here in my quarters, on my lap, being the love of my life?"

Rebecca's shock was complete. In all the time they had been together, he had never once mentioned her. From time to time she would find him on a balcony with a sad smile looking up at the sky, but he never invited her; and she knew some things were for him alone.

"No," she finally said hesitantly.

Evan grinned all the brighter bringing out those adorable dimples she loved so much. "Well, she is."

"I can go and let you—"

Holding her tightly he growled, "Not a chance. I can read it later. Right now I have her to thank for you being right here," he said, putting her hand to his heart.

"As do I," she said with a smile.

"She was the one who pointed out that I don't let people get close to me because I was too scared of being hurt," he confessed.

"Oh, Evan, I'm so sorry."

"I'm not. She lived, really lived. That's more than some of us can say."

He hugged her again, pressing his face to her chest and breathing deeply. Yes, there were tears, some no one but Alex had ever seen. But not now. Alex had given him a gift so profound he could not express it. He had mourned Alex, and that was past. Now he celebrated her life by living his own in a way she would have wanted. He could almost feel her in his head, even now, smiling and cheering him on.

~o~o~o~

Elsewhere in the city Carson rubbed his tired eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept well. It was probably the last time he shared his bed with her. How long ago had that been? Months? A year? He couldn't remember. All he knew was that he had consumed himself with his work. It was all he had, now, it felt like. He had even had to move out of his quarters because there was so much of her still in there.

Too tired and still to heartsick to think anymore, he laid his head down on his desk.

Just a quick nap, he thought.

He dreamt of her again. He almost always dreamt of her. Her smiling face and white, flowing hair. Her beautiful, intense blue cat-like eyes. He couldn't even say her name anymore. It hurt too much.

A gentle hand on his shoulder shook him awake. He woke with a start, confused for a moment why his back hurt so much. Realizing he'd dozed off at his desk, he shook off the fog of sleep.

"Tania, how can I help?"

Tania gave him a look. "Not me. You. You're sleeping at your desk again. You need to get some real sleep."

Eyeing the young woman incredulously, he just shook his head. "You woke me up to tell me to get some sleep?"

"Yes," she said, planting her fists on her hips.

Before he could respond he caught sight of the red blinking priority email alert on his screen. Frowning, he opened it up. Utterly confused why he was ordered to take a day off, he started to reply when he noticed the email underneath from Rodney.

.

Carson: READ THIS FIRST!

Okay, I'm not very good at this stuff so…I was cleaning off some old laptops, and I guess I found Alex's. She left you a letter. I didn't read it! But I did see the first part. This is probably really stupid. I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's just that I know how you felt about her. And I know this is probably going to hurt, a lot. Look, if you need someone to talk to later, I'll be on the East Pier tonight. My turn to bring the whisky.

Rodney

.

Turning back to the young woman waiting impatiently and tapping her foot, Carson somehow managed to find the strength to smile. "You know what? You're absolutely right. I'll be heading out, and I won't be back today."

Shocked, Tania stood there with her mouth open. It was too easy. But she her ground and watched as Beckett closed his laptop and left. Amazed she had just gotten away with it, she shook her head and returned to the main infirmary.

See, Alex? I'm watching out for him, she thought to the ghost of her dead friend.

~o~o~o~

Carson felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He hadn't even read the attachment, yet. He knew he was going to. How could he not? He was almost all the way to his old quarters when he stopped. He hadn't even realized until then he'd taken the laptop from his office. With a frown he took off his radio and stuffed it into the lab coat pocket he also forgot to take off.

No, he really didn't want to go back to his own quarters. His old quarters held nothing anymore, either. Remembering the balcony just down the corridor from his old quarters, he turned his feet in that direction. It seemed an appropriate place to read whatever it was she had left for him. Besides, at this ungodly hour of the night, at least he'd not have to worry about unexpected company.

When the door opened he nearly jumped out of his skin to find Major Lorne sitting out there with his own laptop.

"Sorry, Major. I'll—"

"Doc, wait," he said, recovering from the surprise. "You got one, too."

"Please, excuse me," Carson said, trying to back up into the hall only to find himself running into Sheppard.

"Hey, Doc, what's—Oh, hey Lorne."

"Colonel."

"John. We're off duty, remember?"

"Evan, then. And yeah, well, looks like we've got quite the party," he observed, eyeing Beckett as if he was about to run.

Carson wasn't entirely certain he wasn't going to run.

"Scoot over, Evan we need more room for us and…Evan," he said, holding up a bottle of bourbon.

Lorne cracked a grin but did as asked. Sheppard nudged Carson out the door and then closed it behind them.

"How did you know?" Lorne asked Sheppard.

Twisting open the bottle and taking a swig he said, "This was her favorite once she got with Carson."

Caught between Evan and John, Carson felt a bit out of place. "Didn't you get one?" he finally asked, Sheppard.

"Yep," he said, taking another large swig of the bourbon before putting it in Carson's hands. "Drink. No exceptions. You're off tomorrow."

"Already read yours?" Evan asked, eyeing his CO.

"Nope." Knowing their curiosity was eating away at them he finally gave in. "I like to think we said all we needed to say while she was still alive. Other than that, she's gone. I like to remember her life, brief as it may have been, rather than dwell on her death."

"Amen," Evan echoed, upending the bottle.

For a moment the three of them were quiet. By the time the bottle made it back to John, he was feeling nice and mellow. Seeing Carson still sitting there with the laptop closed, Evan nudged the doctor out of his thoughts.

"Read it, Carson."

His face red from a combination of the liquor and embarrassment, he started to shake his head. He knew what kind of response he would have. The tough exterior these men had for such things made him feel downright weak at the moment.

"Carson," Evan said, waiting until he had the man's undivided attention. "We've all shed our tears in our own way, and in our own time. Yours are no different."

"Just read the damn email," Sheppard muttered, uncomfortable with the idea of such an emotional outburst from someone seated so close.

Suddenly very glad for the amount of tissues he always carried in his pockets, Carson gave in with a sigh. For a while there was only the sound of the wind and waves as two of the three read and passed the bottle around.

.

Dear Carson,

If you're reading this, then I'm dead. I'm hoping you never read this. But, just in case things go the way I think they might at the Delta Site, I thought I'd leave these last thoughts.

I love you. You know that already, but I can't say it enough. I love you so much. I can't imagine letting go of you, or living without you. But I can imagine how much you're hurting. I would give anything to take away that pain. I don't want to die. I wanted to live this life you've given me.

I wanted to spend the rest of my human life with you. I wanted to hold you in my arms as we age together. I wanted to raise your children. I wanted to see your home. Yes, I even wanted to meet your mother. I wanted so much for us.

Can you ever forgive me for my selfishness?

Even if I had known how this would end, I would still love you. I—

.

Carson's tears blurred the screen. Still trying to hold back in front of John and Evan, he sniffled quietly. Evan wasn't fooled. Knowing the tenderhearted doctor wasn't going to hold up, he reached and arm around the man's shoulders and squeezed gently. John might be uncomfortable in such situations, but he wasn't. Carson seemed to take strength from this silent support and went back to the letter.

.

Even if I had known how this would end, I would still love you. I know how selfish that sounds. But my life has taught me to take what is given when it is given, because there are no second chances. So take this, my love. Take these words to heart.

I love you.

I love you and all I want is for you to be happy. Take what time you need. Grieve. But don't hang on to what is lost. Please, Carson. Please, stay long enough to make these memories happy ones. Then move on. I don't know what tomorrow will bring you, or who. But if she makes you happy, then know that I wish for you to be with her. Have children with her. Grow old with her. Love her with all your heart as you've loved me.

Don't be selfish, Carson. Your heart is too big to be alone. It needs someone to share that love with. Know that I will always be with you in those memories. Hold on to them and smile for me. Smile when you remember our first kiss. Smile when you remember our first date. Smile when you remember all those quiet hours spent together in those places and times that were just for us.

Smile, my love. Because I love you, and I want to rest peacefully knowing you still smile.

Alex

.

By the time he finished he had gone from sobbing quietly into his hands, to smiling. If for no other reason than that he loved her and she wanted him to smile, he did. Tears and all, he smiled. Scrubbing away the rest of the tears, he closed the laptop.

"You gonna be alright, Carson?" Evan asked, squeezing his shoulders again, gently.

"Aye, I will be," he said, smiling as he watched the waves and the stars. Taking a deep, purging breath he smiled.

"Good, now drink up," John said, shoving the bottle back into his hands now that the moment was over.

"No, thanks, John. I've had quite enough."

"Speak for yourself. Pass it over, John."

Grinning in a glassy-eyed way that showed the Colonel had had more than his fair share, he leaned a bit too far as he was passing the bottle, very nearly falling into Carson's lap head first. Chuckling, another thing he thought he'd never do again after Alex, Carson grabbed him by the shoulders to steady him and prop him against the balcony railing.

"To Alex," Evan said with a smile of his own before upending the bottle.

Looking from one to the other and the swiftly emptying bottle, Carson shook his head. Two sore heads and likely he was going to be the one to have to tuck them both in.

"On second thought, Evan, save a bit for me. A sore head is a small price to pay for that toast."

"Here, here!" Evan agreed, smiling happily.

"At least until Doctor Knightley wakes up and catches him out here drunk," John said with a sloppy grin.

Carson's face lit up. "Oh ho! So you're the lucky bugger that caught her eye!"

Evan's face flushed. "Something like that."

"Six months," John said confusing the both of them at first with his non sequitur. "Six months and she'll have a ring on his finger."

Evan's face flushed further still. "Actually, there's already one on hers that I put there. She just can't wear it at work because of the gloves and equipment."

"To life, love, and the people that make both worthwhile," Carson said upending the bottle for a more than healthy swig.

"And that would be Alex in a nutshell," John added, grinning happily patting Carson on the back.

Tottering as he stood up, John steadied himself on the door. "Yep, I'm done. Don't stay out too late, kids."

Evan and Carson both stood, knowing he didn't have a chance of getting past them without likely taking a header off the balcony.

"You sure you're going to make it all the way back to your quarters?" Evan asked worriedly.

"Nope, which is why I'm stopping by my girlfriend's quarters just up the hall."

With a chuckle, Carson watched the tipsy Colonel stagger his way down the hall. Knowing that man, he wasn't nearly as drunk as he appeared. Easier to cover those uncomfortable moments by pretending to be too drunk to remember. Still smiling slightly, he turned toward Evan.

"You gonna be alright, Carson? I mean, we could head up to the mess hall—"

Feeling a bit tipsy himself, Carson chuckled. "Nonsense, Evan. Would you rather spend your night with a drunken doctor or that lovely woman waiting for you in your quarters?"

"Well, when you put it like that…"

"Off with you," he shooed. "And take that bottle with you or I won't make it back to my own quarters."

"Night, Carson."

"Night, Evan."

Turning back toward the night-time expanse of ocean and the sky filled with stars, Carson sat alone on the balcony remembering all that Alex had given him. Yes, her time was short, but that didn't make it any less valuable or important to those who loved her. Those memories would be with them forever.