Disclaimer: I am not Rick Riordan or George Lucas.
Enter Kueller, Brakiss (with Sturm), Mara, Corran, Lowbacca, and Kyp, on Almania.
Kueller cooks barbecue, with Brakiss and Sturm off to the side. Mara, Corran, Lowbacca, and Kyp are tied up in the background.
Enter Luke.
Luke. Let them go. I cleaned the stables.
Kueller turns.
Kueller. Did you now? How did you manage it?
Luke. [impatient] I used my powers with the sea to wash out the stables without poisoning the nearby river.
Kueller. Very ingenious. It would have been better if you'd poisoned that pesky Melodie, but no matter.
Luke. Let my friends go. We had a deal.
Kueller. Ah, I've been thinking about that. The problem is, if I let them go, I don't get paid.
Luke. You promised.
Kueller. But did you make me swear on the Font of Power? No you didn't. So it's not binding. When you're conducting business, son, you should always get a binding oath.
Luke activates his lightsaber, causing Sturm to growl and bare his fangs.
Brakiss. The boy is starting to annoy me. Kill him.
Brakiss. Kill him yourself.
Kueller. [raises his eyebrows] Excuse me?
Brakiss. You heard me. You keep sending me out to do your dirty work. You pick fights for no good reason, and I'm getting tired of dying for you. You want to fight the kid, do it yourself.
Kueller glares at Brakiss.
Kueller. You dare defy me? I should fire you right now.
Brakiss. And who would take care of your cattle? Sturm, heel.
Sturm ceases to growl and backs away from Mara, Corran, Lowbacca, and Kyp.
Kueller. Fine. I'll deal with you later, after the boy is dead.
Kueller tosses two vibroblades at Luke. The Jedi easily deflects them with his lightsaber, then goes on the attack. Kueller parries the strike with a pair of bone tongs. Luke knocks the tong aside and stabs him through the chest.
O!
Kueller's wound instantly heals, and he rises back to his feet.
Nice try, son. The thing is . . . I have three hearts, the perfect backup system.
Kueller throws his barbecue back, nearly hitting Mara with the burning coals. Lowbacca tries to break free, but even he was not strong enough. Luke stabs Kueller again, but he merely laughs. Luke flees into Kueller's headquarters, searching for an appropriate weapon to fight the Dark Jedi.
Coward. Come back and die right.
Luke enters Kueller's headquarters, examining his hunting trophies: a wampa, several rancors, and a krayt dragon. Nearby stood a vibrosword display and a bow and arrow.
Kueller charges into his headquarters and tosses his barbecue fork at Luke.
Your head's going to go right there, Skywalker . . . next to the wampa.
Luke deactivates his lightsaber and pick up the bow and arrow. Praying to Yavin and Dathomir, Luke notches an arrow.
[laughs] You fool. One arrow is no better than one lightsaber.
Kueller activates his twin lightsabers and charges. Luke dodges to the side and fires his arrow through Kueller's side, where it passes clean through each of Kueller's hearts. Kueller drops his lightsabers and falls back.
You can't shoot. They told me you couldn't . . .
Kueller collapses and fades to dust.
Luke exits Kueller's headquarters and unties Mara, Corran, Lowbacca, and Kyp. Then he throws a burnt offering into the fire for Yavin and Dathomir.
Luke. Thanks, guys. I owe you one.
Lowbacca cheers.
Kyp. Can we tie up this shepherd now?
Corran. Yeah. And that vornskr almost killed me.
Luke glances at Brakiss.
Luke. How long will it take Kueller to reform?
Brakiss. [shrugs] Hundred years? He's not one of those fast reformers, thank the Force. You've done me a favor.
Luke. You said you'd died for him before. How?
Brakiss. I've worked for that rodder for thousands of years. I started as a regular demigod. But I chose immortality when my father offered it. It was the worst mistake I ever made. Now I'm stuck here on this rock. I can't leave. I can't quit. I just tend the nerfs and fight Kueller's fights. We're kind of tied together.
Luke. Maybe you can change things.
Brakiss. [narrows his eyes] How?
Luke. Be nice to the animals. Take care of them. Stop selling them for food. And stop dealing with the Sith.
Brakiss. That would be all right.
Luke. Get the animals on your side, and they'll help you. Once Kueller gets back, maybe he'll be working for you this time.
Brakiss. [grins] Now, that I could live with.
Luke. You won't try to stop us leaving?
Brakiss. Kriff, no.
Mara. [suspicious] Your Master said somebody paid for our safe passage. Who?
Brakiss. [shrugs] Maybe he was just saying that to fool you.
Luke. What about the Sith? Did you contact them about Kyp yet?
Brakiss. No. Kueller was waiting until after the barbecue. They don't know about him.
Kyp glares at Luke.
Luke. [to Kyp] You could stay here until we're done with our quest. It would be safe.
Kyp. Safe? What do you care if I'm safe? You got my sister killed.
Mara. Kyp. That wasn't Luke's fault. And Kueller wasn't lying about Palpatine's wanting to capture you. If he knew who you were, he'd do anything to get you on his side.
Kyp. I'm not on anyone's side. And I'm not afraid.
Mara. You should be. Your sister wouldn't want . . .
Kyp. If you cared for my sister, you'd help me bring her back.
Luke. A soul for a soul?
Kyp. Yes.
Luke. But if you didn't want my soul . . .
Kyp. I'm not explaining anything to you. And I will bring her back.
Luke. Ahsoka wouldn't want to be brought back . . . not like that.
Kyp. You didn't know her. How do you know what she'd want?
Luke. Let's ask Ahsoka.
Kyp. I've tried. She won't answer.
Luke. Try again. I've got a feeling she'll answer with me here.
Kyp. Why would she?
Luke. Because she's been sending me villips. She's been trying to warn me what you're up to, so I can protect you.
Kyp. [shakes his head] That's impossible.
Luke. One way to find out. You said you're not afraid. [to Brakiss] We're going to need a pit, like a grave . . . and food and drinks.
Mara. Luke. I don't think this is a good . . .
Kyp. All right. I'll try.
Brakiss. There's a hole dug out back for a septic tank. We could use that. Wookiee, fetch my ice chest from the kitchen. I hope the dead like fizzee.
Exit all.