Dear Diary,

Carmen and I made the improv team! Twice a week we will train and then perform each weekend. It shouldn't interfere with cheerleading at all and if it does, it's okay. There were 30 people who made it and about six who didn't. I felt bad for those people but they were not funny. I was surprised that I made it as I did screw up one of the routines. But I guess they were okay with that.

Dad did express concern. One wrong move and I could expose everyone. I told him that I'll be fine, it's improvisation, not hunting. I'm not a full vampire. Yes, I have more strength and will have to watch it, but that shouldn't be difficult. I do that every day. I'm less likely to crack a rib or break a bone if I fall during a skit, in fact I'd probably bounce. I see this as a win-win situation. If it gets to be too hard, then I'll quit. But for right now, I'm having fun.

Now I have cheerleading and improv to pass the day. Less free time, but that's okay. I'll be alive for a long time; I can afford to be busy for awhile. However, Jacob was not happy when I told him I made the team. He complained that he doesn't see me that much anyways and now he'll see less of me. I told him what I just said above; I can afford to be busy for awhile. He said that he understood, but he missed me. He missed me. That was sweet. And it made me realize that yes; I haven't been spending much time with him.

So I promised to today. We hung out at La Push and had a picnic lunch. I brought fried chicken, Cheetos and sparkling grape juice. Jacob made a chocolate cake. Yes, made. It was amazing! The best cake I've ever had. And of course, we spent some time kissing. I cannot get enough when he does it. I told you that when Nathan kisses me it was heart-stopping and it still is that way, I can't think straight. But Jacob's are soul-stopping. I can't feel anything then…except for tingles shooting all through me. I wonder how he became so experienced but then decided I don't want to know. The truth is better left unsaid.

I just realized I'm smiling. I'm smiling thinking about Jacob's kisses. He is also a gentleman; never pushes me to do anything. I'm glad about that as I want Nathan to be my first. But in a way, I wish that guys would not treat me so well. Yes, yes, I know that's good that they don't want to take advantage of me, especially since there are so many creeps out there, but I'm not porcelain. I won't break. Maybe my skin tone confuses them; they think I am a doll. Well, Aunt Alice does.

I was actually late getting home due to our…activities. Mom wanted me home by four so we could go hunting. I didn't get back until six. She wasn't mad because Jacob called her and took the blame. She said that I can't go out for the rest of the weekend as punishment, but that's fine with me. The sun is shining. I don't sparkle, but I hate being out in it, especially since tanning does not happen for me.

Jacob told me I'm beautiful. It was nice hearing it from him, although I didn't believe him. I hear that all the time from my family, but they're required to say it. Even if I was the ugliest person in the world they would still tell me I'm beautiful. Maybe in their eyes I would be, regardless. But Jacob is not family, no matter how much he wants to be. And I know we're betrothed but he doesn't have to compliment me. I'm nowhere near a pretty as mom so I think he was just being nice. You know, making me feel good so I'll agree to stay with him. That seems like something he'd do.

Nathan tells me the same thing. And he makes me feel that way most of the time. But I'm insecure. I'm insecure with my looks due to my freakish nature. Why should I believe them? Anyone who is not family could lie. Hell, my family could lie but they're family; it's allowed. You're not supposed to believe them anyways. I tell Uncle Emmett that he's funny when he's annoying because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm his favorite niece, it would crush him. And it's not like he's not funny, he is. But sometimes he plays practical jokes that border on immaturity. That is annoying. Then I feel like the Cullen family has two kids, with me being the mature one. Nice juxtaposition, huh? The younger is more mature.

It seems like when I start believing it, something comes along to knock me down. I felt pretty good about myself yesterday and then Kaitlyn started on my hair again. She said that redheads were freaks of nature and we shouldn't exist. Because redheads are part of a recessive gene she figured we weren't "normal." She said the only beauties were blonds. I know she said it just to get a rise out of me, but it really hurt. Nathan was with me and totally stood up for me, but it didn't matter. I burst into tears and went right home.

Dad was ready to break her neck, not just for hurting me, but for insulting him as well. Dad's red hair is one of his best features; I know that mom loves it. She was furious when I changed my hair. She thought it was an insult. The red has since grown back since I colored it last summer. Now I'm back to my normal self. I think that brown eyes don't go with red hair so I plan to change that. I have already talked to Grandpa Carlisle about getting me an eye doctor. I will see if he or she will prescribe me contacts. If so, I want colored…blue. Red hair and blue eyes look great together. Then maybe I'll be pretty.

A/N: Poor Nessie. She is still dealing with insecurities. I know how she feels.

Thanks for reading! Please review!