Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.
Warnings: Hurt! Jim and Hurt!Spock. slight m/m…slash…spirk…guy/guy. Other warnings that'll give too much away, so, read carefully. : )
AN: Ah, so last chapter was fun, but sad. Hopefully everything is basically all cleared up now. Leaving us with…well, leaving us wanting Jim back!
Chapter twelve is dedicated specifically to just that, but it is long. So instead of breaking it into three pages I'm splitting it into two larger posts, and posting them together. Which is sad…only because now instead of five more posts I may only have these two and then perhaps one more before the epilogue? : (
But it is all for you. Rather than draw this out I shortened it to try and get Jim back ASAP. Hopefully it still comes across as good as I intended it to be.
So, please don't revolt or riot. Spock is fixing Jim, I promise.
Everything, basically the entire story was based around my desire to write this chapter. I hadn't wanted to rush the finale so I'm trying to work my way around that without making you all wait any longer. I developed that twist which prolonged this (something I probably enjoyed writing too much haha), but this is what I've been truly waiting to write out.
Hopefully you all find it to be really good :D
Enjoy.
Chapter Twelve:
"All that Remains
Is
Shattered Glass"
(Part One)
"We cannot allow him to remain on board the Enterprise."
The words were like a slap to the face and yet everyone had seen it coming. Even knowing that it was bound to happen, it was still just as shocking.
Pike had been the one to break the news. A smart play on the admirals' behalf seeing as almost the entire alpha crew on the Enterprise preferred this man over all the others. They all shared a closeness to the man who survived Nero's attack with them.
Yet, it almost left a taste of betrayal for those who listened as Pike delivered the news. Jim was their captain, their rightful captain.
"We're going to have to transfer him to Earth. He'll be provided for and we'll give you all shore leave for a couple of months, but there isn't much left we can do."
Pike looked up at them with these words and the pain they all felt was easy to note within the admiral's eyes. Jim had always held a soft spot when it came to Pike. They bantered like comrades, but everyone could see that Jim looked upon Pike as one would a father and Pike looked upon Jim like a son. Jim's health was breaking Pike down just as much as the rest of the crew.
A wise choice to send him, but still would not prevent the protest.
"Jim saved us all."
"We know this." Pike replied just as calmly as he had somehow managed to say everything else. It was all hollow but professional. A mantra he had perhaps played over in his head when given the orders to break the news.
"He saved the whole federation from total collapse and you all are just going to dump him in a facility where he can rot until he just gives up?"
Bones seemed to be the only one capable to speak out of the group and to say he was pissed was putting it lightly. He had tried for several days now to bring Jim back. Everything he did seemed to continuously not work and it left him feeling helpless.
But now they wanted them to just drop him off and pick themselves up. It was unbelievable that they thought a couple of months would be enough time to just handle this.
"If you do this…if Star Fleet just gives up on Jim. Know that I am not going anywhere that he isn't." McCoy growled and kicked out of his chair to pace wildly. "We just got him back. He's alive still. He's still alive and he is back!"
"Please sit down Leonard. You know better than all of us that even though Jim's vitals point to him being alive that it isn't so. Jim's gone." Pike stated his voice weaker with these words, but slowly he straightened up as the next words came out and he needed his composure once more, "Star fleet needs their ships returning to their missions. They do understand the loss, and many of us fought for the rights for such a long shore leave for you all.
"Understand this is us being generous. We can't afford to give you more time than this." Pike looked at McCoy as he spoke these words but everyone knew that he was addressing them all. "Jim wouldn't want you all to just stop like this. He saved us all knowing the cost. He saved us all because he wants us to keep going."
"This crew needs to know that they can pick themselves up and continue. You all are the best of the best. Don't let me hold you back."
Jim's words echoed through McCoy's mind and he fell back down into his chair, "What do you expect us to do? Just return like everything is fine. The only reason any of us survived the first year of Jim's absence was because Spock had given us all hope that we'd find Jim. There ain't no hope this time." McCoy hissed and rubbed at his face in frustration and despair. "Spock has spent every waking moment in the room with Jim. Barely sleeps for fear Jim might wake up or-" The sentence breaks as a shudder runs through the doctor at his own thoughts. He somehow manages to pull it together enough to breath out the gist of what he wished to say, "-or that he might wake up to find Jim gone, again…for good."
A gasped sob broke over the tension and Nyota wiped furiously at the tears under her eyes, "This…this isn't fair. Jim's supposed to return after we win. He was smiling and acting like his old self on the bridge-after your call-before the war-god!" she cried and her head ducked into Scotty's shoulder as the other had at some point became her support during this conversation.
The crew had been informed first of Jim's status.
Yet, initially they had all been prepared (or hopeful) for McCoy to pull his magic once again and for Jim to come sauntering back onto the bridge to congratulate their win. For Jim to smile at them all proudly once more and know that he had no doubts that his crew could accomplish all that they had done.
They had also been expecting Jim to be bruised and for it to take time for their captain to be returned to normal. All of them had seen Jim on the other ship, and they knew that whatever he suffered it would take more than just a quick fix to bring him back.
What they hadn't expected was to hear that Jim would never return to them. While Jim was playing with strings behind the scenes all in order to save them, he had also been slowly tearing himself apart. They didn't expect Jim to have given so much.
To a degree it pissed them off; that he would try to handle this burden on his own. That he would do all of it knowing that it would end with these results. It hurt to think of Jim believing that he had no other option but this. Yet, they hadn't been able to find him for an entire year. Of course Jim knew that if he hadn't stepped in they would be too late.
They could not be angry at him because in the end he had given them memories with him. He had shared himself fully with them and had prepared them all to fight and to win. He had captained them with a final great stand, and wished for them all to see just how great they all were-how greatly he believed in them.
"I'll have to go speak to Spock about this…so, I can't stay long. We'll be transporting Jim down by the end of the week." Pike spoke and broke past the quiet that had settled heavily over the room. "I know this is tough, but take these next couple months to let him go. Hopefully, Jim will find some way to pull out of this, but right now…the only thing keeping him alive is a machine. His body doesn't seem to be fighting anymore and we…we have to face the fact that he's not coming back."
"Nyet." Chekov rubbed at his eyes all while glaring down at the table. For the entire conversation he couldn't afford to meet anyone's gaze for fear of bursting into tears once more. "Nyet…Ze keptin has to come back. He has to."
The words were whispered and broken. Sulu remained just beside him, but whenever he went to comfort the younger navigator he would just pull out of his hold or away. As if making the hurt go away would write off his desire for Jim to come back. As if receiving comfort would only push him closer to accepting that Jim wasn't returning to them.
"W-we should be the ones to tell Spock." Nyota whispered into Scotty's shirt; pulling back just enough to send Pike a meaningful look. "He…he didn't even show for a mandatory meeting."
"I'll tell him." McCoy offered his voice as soft as Nyota's. His energy and will to fight, seeming to have burned out. "I need to check on Jim again anyway…I'll tell him."
"Thank you."
"It's…it's not for you or for any of the admirals. I don't really care that you all think you're giving us justice by all this. You're just putting a time limit to Jim's life. Just writing him off." McCoy huffed and pushed up weakly, "I'm doing this for Spock, because he's already suffering enough as it is without having to be forced to let go sooner. Never seen a Vulcan so vacant before; even with their lack of bloody emotions! He's starting to look like Jim did on that cursed ship. Dammit."
"Leonard."
McCoy turned to face Pike and he sighed, "Just ain't right is all."
"Just ain't right."
"I know. Please…let Spock know I am truly sorry."
"Yeah...sorry really isn't a word he wants to hear right now, but I'll tell him." McCoy sent the crew one last glance before turning and exiting the room.
McCoy had tried to avoid this room as much as possible, because all it brought was pain. Pain at his own failure to save Jim, and pain at watching not only his friend dying but the effect it was playing on Spock.
When Jim was moved onto the space station they had thought perhaps the more advanced equipment could handle what they weren't capable of. Nothing they tried seemed to work.
Eventually Jim's body started to stop maintaining itself, and like Pike said they had to hook him up to machine again. Hook him up just to keep him with them for as long as possible.
That room was nothing but lost hope. There was no longer hope that Jim would be able to pull himself out of this. There was no hope that those blue eyes would blink open and gleam with mischief once more. There was no hope that Jim was coming back.
All that the room had was a bittersweet aftertaste.
Yet, whereas Bones struggled to keep returning to the room (to continuously put himself through the heartache), Spock had constantly remained.
The first couple of days Spock had remained quiet and posed just out of the way. McCoy could see that the Vulcan was in some form of shock, but after no changes occurred with Jim; Spock changed.
He stuck always within reach of Jim, and constantly brushed at either Jim's hand or against his cheek. Checking that he was still a solid form, or still held warmth to his skin. He ate when McCoy forced him to but always automatically and never on his own accord. He practically lived and breathed his time spent with what remained of Jim.
When they had moved Jim from the Enterprise it had broken Spock out of whatever shock he had fallen into. However, when McCoy had once again found himself incapable to break through to Jim, Spock had requested to try and help.
It was frightening what had happened.
McCoy had seen Spock meld with Jim before, if only once. He could not recall much of it but he knew that the process had always only taken concentration and rarely caused side effects-to either party (besides emotional transference). Yet, Spock had barely settled his hands against Jim's face when the Vulcan's features flinched and tensed with pain.
Spock had withstood until the moment where McCoy tore him away. The Vulcan had cried out in pain. Seeing the emotion appear on his face was surprising enough, but the sound had literally terrified the doctor to the point where he couldn't just stand by.
What was worse, it took Spock two whole days to recuperate. Whatever had happened to Spock, it shut him down like a computer that needed to reboot.
This only further drove home the point that Jim really couldn't be saved.
That was, however, until McCoy had returned to find Spock hovering once more alongside Jim. His one hand placed within Jim's own, clinging loosely to the appendage and stroking it unknowingly. However, as McCoy made his way further into the room he noted that Spock's other hand was once again up and placed along Jim's psi points, and his head lay against Jim's temple.
"My mind to your mind... my thoughts to your thoughts..."
"Dammit Spock no!"
McCoy went to tear the Vulcan from Jim but auburn eyes blinked open and gazed over at the doctor. No words were spoken but none needed to be said. Spock knew. Somehow he knew that they were planning on taking Jim away, that they would not allow the two to remain as long as Jim was slowly whittling away.
In that brief glance Spock said so much more than words could have professed. Spock needed to be with Jim. If he could once again not save Jim, then better to be with him than to remain without.
Spock's eyes fell closed once more and he breathed out the remaining words in a shaky whisper.
"Our minds. One and together."
"Green-blooded hobgoblin." Bones muttered though there was no bite to the words as he slid along the wall. He would wait. Wait for a miracle, or for the pained cry again, or for the end. He would give them this…if anything else…he would give them this.
Spock had tried multiple times now to break into Jim's mind.
At first on the Romulan ship he hadn't even gone past a brief touch before his own walls were attacked. Then the next time was with McCoy, and Spock had tried to push past the initial bite to fight his way in. What had occurred left him weak and disoriented. His once strong walls had been bombarded with the chaos that had become Jim's mind.
Yet, Spock tried again and again while the others kept away. He allowed himself time to cope and test the limits that came with delving into Jim's broken mind. Jim had suffered a year of torture without more than a smile to laugh it off. Then Jim took on the pain of his mind being torn to shred with a soothing smile. He would fight pain on their behalf so Spock would not let it stop him from getting to Jim.
What Spock found was that if he truly pushed hard enough the pain could be placed aside, and that Jim's mind opened up like an abyss which was quick to drag Spock down within.
What Spock found was that he could enter Jim's mind, but he did not know what to expect when he got there. If he allowed himself to sink into the chasm and was unable to aide in returning Jim's mind to its proper self; he would find himself just as trapped as Jim was.
Jim's mind was not what Spock had expected. It was also not as Spock envisioned it to have been, had he truly delved into Jim's conscious before the attack.
So, instead of a warm and inviting place, Spock found himself within a desert—neither warm nor cold…just vast. The sand, a thin and silver grain, sunk and expanded with every step he took. He was not sure which way to head, but found his feet carrying him forward.
Within the sand there appeared to be parts of broken mirrors sunk deep into dunes; some small while others were large blocks of the reflective surface. However, as he continued to walk he noted that every mirror passed was broken to some degree.
That was until Spock noticed where his feet had led him.
One mirror, placed among so many shattered panes, remained standing tall and unbroken. It stood at odds amongst all the other remnants.
As he grew nearer to the object, what he saw first was his own reflection. He may have found it strange that it took until he had reached so close to show him even that, but his thoughts did not linger on this as with horror he watched the reflection change.
Scenes flashed across the surface. Playing out like a video before his eyes.
…
…
…
…
"…I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly…"
Jim turned as Admiral Barnett gazed into the audience. Jim and Spock met eyes for the first time.
…
…
Spock's hands dug into the skin upon the others throat and though he gasped for air he did not fight. He allowed Spock this. Allowed the other to express the pain he had tried to lock away. Allowed the other a moment of weakness and anger.
Spock pulled away at his name, but not because he was being addressed because with it brought this understanding to surface. Instead of rage he felt overwhelmed and did not understand the guilt within the arrogant man's eyes.
…
…
"Permission to come aboard, Captain."
Spock entered the bridge unsure why he had taken so long to come to this decision. He had known that he would find his way here…at least to some degree, he knew this. Yet, he denied it until the very last moment. Something very strange for one who had always been immaculate and precise in every aspect of his day to day life—including time.
"Permission granted."
Jim's face was alight with an inviting smile. He had seemed carefree as Spock arrived but the Vulcan did not miss how the surprise had settled with a true warmth at the sight of Spock.
Spock tried to remain composed and kept to his Vulcan mannerism as a scapegoat.
"As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references."
"It would be my honor, Commander."
…
…
Moments of missions over the two years they had commanded together.
Of them arguing on the bridge over the captain beaming down with landing parties.
Of Spock rescuing Jim or vice versa.
Of Jim's first attempt of approaching the Vulcan outside of a work related situation.
Of their first chess game.
Of the subtle changes which began to occur more progressively after Spock's termination of his relationship with Uhura.
Of the barely there touches Jim always managed to have a reason for.
…
…
"Spock I leave you in charge. You get them out of here. I-It's been a pleasure." Jim addressed him personally and though he was speaking to them as a whole he never once shifted his eyes from their lock on Spock. He gave a flicker of his normal confident smirk trying to mask the pain of the loss to come, "Try not to miss me too much."
…
…
Jim held his arms out in wait and wiggled his fingers as he was left standing still. "But you could do it to amuse the illog…illogic-cal child?"
…
…
Jim allowed Spock to pick him up while he flinched away from McCoy and Chapel. His hand reaching out in fear that Spock too would leave him or betray his trust. Yet, Spock only pulled over a chair and kept always close to the boy.
…
…
Spock remained by every phase Jim had suffered over again. The preteen who had suffered at the hands of a governor, the teenager who suffered at the hands of someone meant to protect and nourish, the adult who was almost back but knew that fate would tear them apart once more.
Yet each time Jim had always searched out Spock. Always found his comfort in the arms and words of the Vulcan.
…
…
Jim waking from the aftermath of this battle, and the time spent coping from the attack. Jim breaking out of the hold he had been in within his mind and returning just for Spock. Always for Spock.
…
…
Stolen kisses on the lift.
…
…
Jim's fingers brushing against his own in passing and their eyes meeting across the bridge.
…
…
Jim in his place at the Captain's chair, a smirk upon his face as he accomplishes another mission. As the transmission cuts and the rest of the crew celebrates; Jim's attention immediately turns towards his left where Spock stands just at his side.
His grin softens into a smile reserved only for Spock, and he reaches out to grasp Spock's hand pulling the other to his level so to take a chaste kiss. A reward for not getting harmed in this mission.
The two break away when a cheer pulls out across the bridge leaving their proud captain blushing and laughing.
"Thought we'd get lucky and no one would see…" Jim lies, his smile not faltering as he gently stroked Spock's fingers with his own before rising to settle his crew down.
…
…
"Spock…please do not just stare at me. It's been a long day…just come to bed."
Jim.
Laying sprawled across a bed his body covered only by a thin sheet and those vibrant blue eyes watching Spock as if he were the answer to every question. His hand was held out, beckoning the other forward.
"Come here… ashayam..." Jim breathed out his smile lazy with sleep but warm with the love his words spoke of. Words in Spock's own tongue…words that he had picked up and learned just for the other; to give Spock a greater feeling of belonging and home.
…
…
"Come here…love…"
…
…
…
…
A sniffle pulled Spock out of whatever daze had befallen him, and he realized that at some point he had not only stepped closer towards the mirror but had reached out to it. Reached out for the scenes he had been shown.
The sniffle sounded again and now, more aware, Spock realized the mirror was once again only showing his reflection.
He tried to ignore the clenching in his chest that came with walking away from what he had seen. He struggled with walking away from the possibility of such moments…ones he had experienced but others which had never happened…others which had yet to happen.
Somehow he managed to bring himself to walk away and around the large rectangular surface to find the source that had drawn him from the mirror's grasp.
What he found was Jim.
Though, instead of the Jim he knew and had come in search of he found a Jim he had known.
Blue eyes as rich as the sky and as piercing as electricity gazed up at Spock, as they had McCoy that first time on board the Element.
Small brilliant blue eyes flashed up to meet Spock's own and recognition flittered past them.
Before Spock was the three year old version of Jim, sitting upon the desert sand facing the mirror. He had his legs tucked close to his chest and his arms wrapped snugly around them as if trying to make himself as small as possible to keep away from harm. His eyes were reddened with tears and had it not been for Spock he would have remained tightly curled up.
The boy who was the most boisterous and vibrant version of Jim's past was now caked in the silver covered dirt and littered with bloody scrapes.
Even in this state the boy's eyes brightened at the sight of Spock and his lips curled into an ecstatic smile.
Spock moved quickly but cautiously over to the child and bent down before him. Though he knew now not to reach out for Jim unless the child acted first, "Hello again, Jim."
Spock speaks out unsure how to approach this and unsure what this could possibly mean. Why had Jim appeared in his mind in such a young age? Had he deteriorated back to this form? Had he started out whole but slowly began to crumble away until finally nothing of Jim would remain?
What had truly transpired within Jim's mind, and could Spock prevent it from continuing?
AN: So, I hope that Spirk moment helped appease the fact that this page is not Jim getting out…even though it was probably confusing.
But yay! Spock has finally broken past and into Jim's mind and has stumbled across something.
Don't worry I'm not leaving you all with just this. Go on over to part two.