Chapter 25

With the children safely tucked away with family members for the day, John and Natalie headed for the hospital. Natalie would deliver the baby, the doctors would harvest the cord blood- whatever that entailed neither of them was sure if they understood completely –they would test it against Sean and God willing they could do the transplant as soon as they were able. The doctor said that since Sean was only two and the umbilical cord blood cells are very immature there is less of a need for matching exactly, they only have to match partially being as which the cord blood was from a sibling. The question was how long, if ever -before he needed another.

Natalie hoped they could do this procedure before the end of the week. John told her she was being very optimistic. The blood could be frozen until they were ready to use it and John didn't want them to rush for rushings sake. He wanted them to do this when it was the right time.

Checked in and ushered into a room, Natalie started to feel the rumblings of panic deep within her. Shoving those thoughts away she did as instructed, changing into a gown and hoping up onto the bed. John had been shuffled to a different room to sign papers and present whatever information the hospital required, so once the nurse left the room Natalie was left alone. Her irrational thoughts were starting to take over.

What if something was wrong with the baby? What if this baby was sick too? What if this baby hated her for bringing it into the world for the sole purpose of saving it's brother? What if she couldn't take care of this baby and Sean? Over and over, crazy thought after crazy thought ran across her mind. The silence of the room was deafening. It was almost so silent her ears were starting to ring.

All at once the door burst open, a myriad of people pouring in loudly. Speaking around her, the flurry of activity making her head spin. Suddenly John was by her side.

"Hey," he said, "you ready to do this?" He asked rhetorically. Her eyes were trying to follow the people as they bustled around her, one hooking her up to an iv, one strapping a blood pressure cuff on her, one pushing buttons on the machine next to her.

"No," she said quietly.

"What?" John asked barely hearing her.

"No, I'm not ready to do this….can we stop?" She asked in a stronger voice, turning to look at him.

For a slit second he thought she was joking, a smile forming on his lips until he saw her face. "What is it? What's wrong?" He asked, concern laced in his voice.

"I don't want to do this today. I can't have this baby today. Can we stop? Make them stop," she said her panic growing.

"Sweetheart, they've already started to give you the medicine, I-I don't think-"

"John, I don't want to do this today, we can't do this today," she practically shouted grabbing the front of his shirt trying to get out of the bed. A nurse tried to gently grab her arm so she wouldn't tear out the iv, while John tried to keep her in the bed.

"Hold on…just hold on," he was saying, completely confused by her. She had been relaxed earlier, they had been joking and laughing.

"What's going on Natalie?" Dr. Wright asked appearing at her side.

"I don't know," Natalie said, struggling to catch her breath, "I just don't want to do this right now."

"Ok, listen to me….you're having a panic attack. I need for you to relax so you can catch your breath. I don't want you to hyperventilate, alright. Tell me why you don't want to do this today," the doctor spoke calmly to her.

Natalie found herself relaxing slightly, "I don't know, I'm just not ready," she answered laying her head back against the pillows.

"I can understand that, there is a lot riding on the birth of this child for you. But, I promise I will make it just as special as the births of your other children. You'll love this baby just as much from the moment you hold it," Vivian paused to let her kind words sink in before informing her of the reality, "we've already started the medicine in your iv, we can't stop it now. Your baby is on its way today, hopefully sometime in the next few hours. You've been very lucky that none of your labors have been long, so that gives us hope that this little one's won't be either."

The doctor looked around the room, only one nurse remained. "Judy is here if you need anything. I suggest that the both of you use the next few hours to rest," she looked at both of them before adding, "call me if you need anything." And she promptly left the room.

Nurse Judy echoed her words and turned on her heel and was out the door quickly.

"Are you ok?" John asked gently. Natalie turned her tear filled eyes to him and shook her head no. He stroked her the hair around her face, trying to comfort her, "do you want to talk about it?" He asked her.

"It's stupid," she replied wiping her face.

"It's not stupid if you're worried," he responded speaking quietly to her, "you were fine earlier and now you're not. What's going on in your head?"

"I don't know…honestly. I just have all of these thoughts rattling around and….what if," Natalie sighed, "what if this baby doesn't help Sean, and he dies," Natalie's voice caught, "and-and….I can't…..what if I can't love this baby because Sean is gone?" She asked barely getting the words out.

"Natalie-"

"I'm perfectly serious John. What then?" She asked.

"I don't think you would do that but, let's say this doesn't work. They still have information out there for non family donors. One could still become available," he suggested, "since when are you the pessimist and I'm the optimist? When did these roles reverse for us?" Keeping his tone soft, he tried to lighten the mood for her.

"I don't know what's come over you but, I have extra hormones flowing through me right now," Natalie answered flatly, staring off into space.

"I'm going to lower the lights and you should get some rest. We were awake pretty early this morning…" John let his voice trail off as he stood up and crossed the room to dim the lights. When he returned to side she slid over in the bed making room for him. They lay side by side waiting for their lives to change yet again.

~jolie~

The rest didn't help Natalie at all. "I still don't think I can do this!" The panic was back in her voice hours later as the room erupted with activity. The contractions were on top of each other. She felt as though she needed to push.

"Natalie honey, you've done this before," Vivian said as she entered the room. Natalie wasn't talking about giving birth and John knew it.

"It's ok, remember," he said picking up her hand and kissing her fingers, "I'm here with you. Me and you, we can do this."

"No John you don't understand, I can't do this now-"

"Natalie, I need you to relax," the doctor called out.

"I can't, I'm trying….this is just going too fast. Can we stop?" The contractions were non-stop now and Natalie couldn't ignore her body's natural instinct to push when they told her too.

"I can give her something John but, I'd rather not," Dr. Vivian Wright had been Natalie's doctor for Liam and Sean but, had never delivered any of John and Natalie's children. She wasn't sure if the panic that Natalie was experiencing was a normal reaction for her during child birth, "has she experienced this before?"

"Not with Sean but, before they took her away with Alana…yes I think so," John looked distraught, there was nothing he could do for her. He stroked her hair and tried to calm her.

"It could just be the adrenaline rush that is causing the panic, know that we are monitoring her ok?" Vivian finished quickly, John nodded at her, "Natalie," she said in a louder voice trying to draw the woman's attention to her. Using a bright tone she said, "I see the head, tons on dark hair just like daddy….we are almost there honey. I just need you to try to relax and focus ok?"

"I can't," Natalie said breathlessly, "I can't think." But leaning forward anyway as instructed by a nurse and started pushing with all her might.

"One seventy-seven over one oh five doctor," a nurse called out.

"That's ok," Vivian said conversationally, almost as if she hadn't heard the nurse or registered the dangerously high blood pressure she called out, "I don't need you to think. Just let your body do all the work ok? Now listen Natalie, we have both shoulders out now, I'm going to need one more big push from you. Can you do that for me?" Vivian called out.

John couldn't see what she was doing from where he sat holding Natalie's hand but, she seemed to be working furiously while keeping her tone light. He didn't know how doctor's did it. He'd heard the nurse loud and clear. He knew that number was extremely high. He could see the distress in Natalie's red face, where sweating and tears mingling.

"And we have a baby folks," John heard the doctor say after a few more pushes on Natalie's part, just as a loud cry filled the room, "John, I understand that you haven't yet had the opportunity to cut the cord from any of your children," Vivian said with a smile, "would you like to now?"

He hadn't really thought about it but, it was true. All he could do was nod, he was overwhelmed with emotion. The baby was already partially wrapped in a blanket, and crying loudly. The doctor instructed him on what to do and after he had completed the task, the small, wet crying human was placed in his arms. He never got over this feeling.

A nurse was standing in front of him trying to dry the wiggling creature as much as she could while it was in his arms. "What is it?" John asked her, tears stinging his eyes. The nurse just smiled kindly and opened the blanket so he could see for himself. He couldn't help but, laugh out loud.

"A girl Natalie, a girl-" finally turning to his wife, her eyes were closed and she wasn't moving, "Natalie? Natalie?!" He started to move forward but was held back by the same kind nurse from before.

"She's stable John, her blood pressure is coming back down –she's just fainted. I promise," Vivian said from Natalie's side, "why don't you go with Nurse Nancy there and take your newest daughter to the nursery for a proper bath. We are working on harvesting the cord blood we need and I would like to keep an eye on Natalie for a little bit."

"How come every time I open my eyes from the dark there you are?"

"I have to be there when she wakes up," John looked at Natalie but spoke to the doctor.

"You will be. She's exhausted John, she'll sleep for a while. Take care of the baby right now, I'll come get you when we are done," Vivian said as she ushered him to the door.