26. In which there is rain.
Dean is sitting at a park bench with a bottle of Jack Daniel's', there's not much left of it but he's not feeling drunk at all, it must be this demon thing, he hates it. His right arm is stinging from a few stitches, one of his ribs is cracked and he got scrapes, bites and scratches all over but everything is healing fast, half of it has already faded.
Jo was the worst of course, when they got back to the motel they even though about driving her to the hospital, but she refused and insisted she was fine, it was one of the three sentences she used for the rest of the evening. Sam and Kira had also taken a beating but they are more or less fine now, Kira is lying by his side on the bench, she looks like she's sleeping, but Dean knows better.
He's not sad for Ruby, not really, he doesn't know if he could be if he tried but somewhere he is a little sad for Jo, and maybe, just maybe, he is a little sad for them both, for something they will never get, he did see that kiss.
Maybe it's for the best, it would never have worked out anyway, a demon and a human, Ruby and anyone. Yeah, it's probably for the best. But it doesn't feel like that, it just sucks.
Sam could have died, he gets a strange feeling in his stomach when he thinks about it, and it's not a good one, it's the kind that would make him want to throw up if he wasn't so used to it, he's been used to that feeling since he was a kid.
And there's going to be more of it, and it's probably going to be worse than ever. God, he wishes he could just get drunk.
Cass… All of this somehow comes down to Cass, why can't he just answer? Dean has gone between being worried and being so mad he could kill the guy more times than he can count the last couple of days.
"What do you think girl? If I get five more of these it should work, right?"
Kira just opens one eye and gives him and his bottle a strange look before closing it again.
"You promised I would get my piece of Alistair, you know? I only backed down because you said I would."
He stops, it feels silly, talking out to the silence, he's been doing that now and then, sometimes it's been "Hey man, where are you, could use your help, drop in sometime " and other times it's been "You son of a bitch, you said you would check in, should have known there's no trusting you bastards."
Of course it's mostly that he thought the damned angel cared, and somehow it feels really bad to find out that he doesn't. He drinks deep from the bottle.
Suddenly there's something strange in the air.
"You backed down because it was the right thing to do."
It's not really a surprise since he felt the angel coming but it's still a shock that he's there at all. Kira of course yelps and jumps up, teeth bared, then, after recognizing Cass she lays down again with a resigned look.
"Good time to drop in now is it? When you're not needed anymore?"
"I have had things to do, and I have been forced to reconsider some things. I have arrived at some conclusions."
"Oh, really? Good for you. You know we lost Ruby, and since that damned he witch ran away we don't have any magic cards to play. Sam could have died, just because you had some thinking to do, well that's awesome."
"The possibility to simply wait was of course not an option."
Dean blinks, sarcasm? From Cass, really? Then he really looks at the angel, Cass looks angry and even colder than usual, and it makes Dean mad, this guy has no right to be angry, not when Dean feels like ripping his guts out.
He grabs Cass' coat but can't decide where to go from there, maybe he should hit him? He settles for shacking him violently.
"It would have been if you had kept your promise and told us what you got out of Alistair, bet he didn't tell you anything and you're just here because you have given up and need my help."
Cass just stares at him with those blue eyes, and that cold glare reminds Dean that this creature can kill him in a second. He takes his hands off the angel and takes a step back.
"Alistair did tell us some things but nothing of importance, until he told me something about you."
I make Dean's blood run cold, in his mind he's replaying all the secrets he's ever had, they are way too many.
"It's not like there's anything you don't already know", he says, but it's mostly to himself.
"You made a deal with Meg to get out, she didn't offer you some kind of escape route, she offered you a deal, and you took it."
Dean nearly bites his lip in an 'oh this is bad' way.
"And you believed Alistair?"
It's a cheap card, and it'll never work, he knows it before he even plays it, but he doesn't know what else to say, there is just a blank page where there should be some kind of excuse, or a witty remark.
Cass opens his mouth as to answer but then he closes it again and just looks at Dean, as if he is trying to read the whole story in his eyes, the demon can feel the grace inside him moving in an unfamiliar way, a searching way. He is close to tell the angel to stop and just drop it and talk like normal people, but most of his attention is captured by those blue piercing eyes.
Finally he breaks eye contact, he just feels broken, tired and even more miserable than before Cass showed up, he sits down on the bench and takes a deep swig of the bottle but there is no comfort in it, is there ever an end to this pain? How many times he has thought that, more than he can count, and not all of them in hell.
"What was I supposed to do Cass? I thought the angels where there to get me, in a bad way I mean, and she offered me a chance to get out, and back to Sam, how could I ever say no to that? I was already a damned demon, it's not like I was giving up my humanity in the blink of an eye. The price was even perfect, protect Sam. So they want him alive for their reasons, what's the difference? It's what I would have done anyway."
He realizes he's trying to convince himself as much as Cass of all of these things. The angel slowly sits down on the bench next to him.
"Meg wants Sam alive because he is important to Lucifer, I am not aware of the details, and because he has the potential to become very powerful."
Dean doesn't know what he expected, maybe screaming, but since it's Cass that seems unlikely, but something… judgmental. Instead there is this, trying to explain… something, the only thing he knows probably. The angel is still cold, distant, but he's trying to do something, understand maybe. Dean doesn't know if it's better or worse, but it makes him ask that question.
"I am just protecting Sammy because of the deal?" he whispers, it's low, but way too audible in the silent night. It feels a little good but mostly just horrific to have it out there. Cass watches him with an unreadable expression as the silence drags out longer and longer until Dean can't stand it, he never was much for these talking-without-words-conversations, they are for chicks.
"Come on, just tell me, isn't that why you were mad, because you were wrong about me, because I'm just like every other demon on the planet?"
Now there's no mistaking the angel's expression, he looks confused, followed by understanding.
"I wasn't wrong about you Dean, and there is no demon like you. No, you couldn't leave Sam even if you wanted to, but you would never want to, you would be at his side even if circumstances where different. You try to save the world, you convinced me to save a hellhound, even when you will not admit it you are here right now, grieving a demon, it's not just Sam you care about and you care about more than his safety, you care about his wellbeing. I have said it before Dean and I was not wrong, you do care, the very fact that you are worried about it proves it."
There is a silence as Dean lets this sink in, can it actually be that simple? He's a demon, he's broken and violent in a way he never was in life, he's not supposed to care, and now this angel has proven that he does, Dean could kiss him for it, no seriously, he could.
"I was not angry because I thought I was wrong Dean, I never doubted a second that you are capable of caring, maybe even of love." Cass's voice is lower now, like he's uncertain of what to say.
"I never thought it was strange for you to accept such a deal either, rash perhaps, but understandable, I am not angry, I am simply… sad, that you choose not to tell me this."
Dean stares at the angel and then he sees it, it is not anger and coldness in Cass' eyes, it is hurt. How could he miss that? How could he miss the feeling of betrayal the grace inside him is humming with.
"I'm sorry", he says. God, when did he turn into such a sissy, but it's all he can do not to cry, it's relief he thinks, that there's someone who cares, that he still has Cass, that there is no need to worry about himself anymore, that he still has a heart, even if it's a demon heart.
But there's also the tears of what is to come he has to hold back, fear for Sam and fear for the world, and the weight of the responsibility on his shoulders. Sorrow for Jo and Ruby, and sorrow for Sam, for everything he has gone through and will be going through. This is why he was drinking in the first place, why couldn't it work?
Cass must have felt what is happening cause suddenly the grace in him begins that soothing movement it does when he's upset and then there's an arm around his shoulders. Both things feel completely natural and before he knows it he drags Cass into a hug.
The angel holds him a little awkward but the way his grace holds the demon's soul isn't awkward at all. It's warm, comforting and moving, a web of singing light.
"What do I do now?" Dean whispers into a very familiar trench coat and feels a heavy drop on his shoulder, rain, he should have known there would be rain.
"Tell Sam, I think that would be good."
Dean simply nods and they sit like that for a long moment, Dean couldn't say how much time exactly but it feels like a long time, it could be just a few seconds though.
When they finally pull apart Cass' trench coat is wet, but it's probably just the rain, the same goes for the thin wet lines on Dean's cheek, yeah, definitely just the rain.
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