Hey guys, this chapter might feel a little rushed as I can't tell if it flows or not at 11 at night.

Anyways I need you opinion on something.

A reader has given me an interesting idea that I could explore Sam's PTSD, as she did go through her own shit on Yamatai. I have a few ideas on how it could work however the overall themes/concept might be a bit repetitive as I am dealing with PTSD/depression again. Sam is also more emotional than Lara so I may not be able to capture her crying all the time well (if she does do that, not sure yet).

I need to know if you guys are interested in reading this as I need to alter the final two chapters of Insanity slightly if you are.

If I get enough interest I'll do it as Sam's PTSD would be interesting to explore, but I lack the same motivation I had to write about Lara's PTSD. Additionally with my final year of school I will be busy so I can easily drop the idea.

Let me know in the reviews or PM me. Thanks!

Note to swk3000 that I originally focused on Lara's PTSD not Sam's so you were right about that. And thank you for proposing this idea!

Sam sat down at the table with a mug of tea in one hand, and a magazine in the other. She took a sip of the tea and sighed as the warmth spread through her body. It was quite cold today and dark clouds outside were threatening rain at any moment.

Sam was half way through an article about Botox gone wrong when she received a text. She took out her phone and frowned as she saw that it was a text from her father.

How have you been Sam? I'm here in London for a few days. If you're available, I'd really like to have dinner with you. Text me back A.S.A.P.

Sam tapped the reply button but hesitated before entering her response. Her father had been texting her every time he came into town, asking her to have dinner with him. Of course Sam had said 'no', certain that it was a ploy to get her to talk contracts, that he would ditch her for some business call or not show up at all.

But he had kept persisting to the point where it was getting annoying and Lara had also insisted that he was sincere.

Sam read over the text again and reached for her tea. Maybe she should say 'yes' for for once, so that if worse comes to worse then at least he would stop bugging her.

She was so focused on reading between the lines that she didn't realise it had happened until she heard a loud clunk.

Sam looked up. "Oh shit!" She bolted up and quickly straightened the mug. She looked at the splash of tea and felt a stone drop in her stomach as she saw that it had spilt onto a dark leather journal.

Lara's journal.

"Oh fuck. Fuck fuck." She ran into the kitchen, tore off some paper towels, ran back and frantically dabbed at the book.

"What happened?" Sam spun around and saw Lara jogging towards her.

"Nothing!" her voice came out an octave higher than she intended. She straightened in front of the table in an attempt to shield Lara from the disaster behind her. "Let's go out for lunch. I feel like nachos!"

Lara stared at her flatly. "Sam. Move."

Sam tried staring Lara down but those bored hazel eyes would not relent. She winced and took a step to the side. "I'm sorry," she said, "It was an accident."

Lara picked up her journal gingerly. Sam could see her mouth tighten, her brow furrow, but she didn't say anything. She flipped through her journal mutely, going through each page one by one. When she reached the end, she put it down carefully away from the spill, but still said nothing.

"Lara?" Sam said cautiously. "It was an accident."

"An accident?" Lara asked, her voice hard. "How do you 'accidently' ruin my journal?"

Sam knew that was rhetorical but she answered anyway. "I got a text from my dad and I wanted a drink so I reached over and accidently…" she trailed off as Lara turned to her, eyes full of fury.

"Do you know what you've destroyed?" Lara growled, clenching her fist so tight that her knuckles were white.

"Lara I'm sorry it was an accident. Don't you have digital backups anyway?"

"That's not the point," she said, taking a step towards her. "The point is that you ruined my father's journal!"

Sam took a step back nervously. "Okay Lara I think you're over reacting." She tried to keep her voice steady.

Lara took another step forward. "Over reacting? I think you're under reacting for how serious this is."

Sam held her hands up in front of her and took another step back. "I'm sorry okay? I mean it."

"'Sorry' doesn't un-ruin my book."

"Lara...calm down and we can talk about this all right?"

"I am talking, and I am wondering what the hell is wrong with you. Why you are so bloody clumsy that you ruin everything you touch!"

Sam narrowed her eyes. A curse was ready to leave her tongue and she had to bite it hard to hold it back.

She shouldn't take this personally. Lara was mad at her and rightfully so. Don't take this personally.

The next words were a lump in her throat but she managed to choke it out. "We should take a break."

Lara stared at her, teeth clenched. She blinked and some of the anger left her eyes. She swallowed hard and nodded stiffly. "Yeah."

She glared at Sam for another moment then walked past her and left, slamming the front door shut.

Sam took a shaky breath and leaned back against the wall.

Gods that was close. She knew that Lara loved her journal but it was a fucking accident for god's sake. There was no need to insult her friend because of it.

Slowly, Sam pushed herself off the wall and started cleaning up the spilt tea. She wondered where Lara was now, and for her sake and the public's safety that she had calmed down.

Lara struck the bag, one two three four.

She blinked as a bead of sweat rolled into her eye and she brushed her bangs out of her face. She narrowed her eyes at the bag and went for it again, striking hard and fast.

"Take it easy Croft you're going to tear a muscle." Her personal trainer staggered as Lara kicked the bag.

"I'm fine Mike," she growled. She took a moment to readjust her stance then tore into the bag again.

Left left right.

Stupid Sam. She just had to ruin her journal. Lara had left it on the table, expecting it to be perfectly fine and what had happened?

She punched the bag hard. What. Had. Happened?

"Are you even focusing on the techniques I showed you?" Mike asked.

It was her father's journal for god's sake: the accumulation of all his life's work and more. It was his passion, his heart, his life.

"Okay Lara, slow down."

And although she did have digital backups, there was no replacing the actual bloody thing. It was ruined. Forever.

With a cry Lara spun, jumped and kicked the bag dead in the centre so hard that Mike staggered back a few steps. He winced and shook his hand. "Okay I think that's enough for today."

Lara dropped her arms and stared at him. "It's hasn't even been thirty minutes yet," she said.

Mike went to where his bottle was and picked up the box of painkillers there. Lara looked away as he took them. Unlike her, Mike had an old knee injury that he needed to take the meds for.

He wiped his mouth and pointed the bottle at her. "The way you're going today, you're going to injure yourself. So if you want to work out whatever issues you have go do your yoga. You know, Zen, peace, relax. That way you'd be less likely to end up in a hospital."

"Mike come on," Lara said, breathless. "I didn't go to yoga I came here." She spread her arms and smiled as warmly as she could. "And look, I'm calm. So we can just work on something less…intense for the next half an hour."

Mike stared at her for a moment. His eyebrows were really bushy that when he furrowed his brow, Lara could hardly see his eyes. "Fine girl," he finally said. "Take five while I go get the focus mitts. We're going to work on those combos you lacked before."

Lara took a deep breath and went to sit down on a bench. She grabbed her towel and dabbed the sweat off her neck as she drunk from her bottle.

Contrary to Mike's belief, the physical exertion was really helping. It was invigorating, but also tiring at the same time as Lara burnt up all the anger and stress which had been her fuel. Yoga was great for helping her focus and flexibility, but Marlow was right; there was just something satisfying about hitting something.

Already she was feeling calmer, and being calmer she also realised what an idiot she was.

Lara rubbed her temples. Sam was right; she had over reacted before. The damage to the journal overall hadn't been too bad; the cover may have been soaked but only the edges of a few of the pages had been wet. Almost throttling someone over it was not acceptable.

She frowned as she remembered the look on Sam's face as she had taken those steps closer to her. Eyes flickering with fear; trying to hide underneath a weak pretence of calmness.

Lara looked down at her dirty hand wraps, and at her knuckles throbbing underneath.

There was a part of her that she was ashamed of, and that emerged more often than she would have liked. Lara had stared into its eyes before, and the absolute malice in them scared her. She couldn't imagine how others felt being on the receiving end of it.

Lara was still working through this with Erin, trying to understand its existence. She had come to trust Erin with her thoughts but it was still confronting talking about it. So far Erin had been useful in helping her organize the tumult of thoughts and emotions, but there was still so much she needed to understand.

Lara remembered their last session and the uncertainty it had left her with.

"So are you still seeing this Mathias-Lara?" Erin had asked. "Or your shadow if you prefer it."

Lara picked at the edge of the seat. She didn't like the name 'Mathias-Lara' as it implied that part of that madman was a part of her. "Not really…" she said, "I just hear her voice sometimes-mainly when I'm frustrated or angry. In those times I swear it's my conscience speaking and it's hard to resist."

"What does it tell you?"

Lara shrugged. "Take painkillers…drink 'a little'." She made air quotes with her fingers. "I usually go to the gym then, talk to Sam or…just do anything to distract myself."

"Hmm…" Erin tapped the pen against the notepad. "This is just a suggestion but maybe you should consider accepting that side of you."

Lara frowned. "Accepting it?"

"From what you've told me it sounds like you've acknowledged that it's a part of you but haven't actually accepted it."

Lara leaned forward. "I have accepted that it is a part of me."

"I don't think you have. If you have, you wouldn't be trying to run away from it. Although going to the gym or talking with people is a safer way of distracting your mind than drugs, you're still running."

Lara narrowed her eyes. She wasn't running. She wasn't a coward to run away anymore. "I am managing Erin," she said in a low voice. "I'm controlling it- I'm not running from anything."

Erin pressed her lips together but dropped the subject. "So how are things with Sam?"she asked.

Lara looked down at her hand. Her fingers had finally healed and it was nice having full movement of her hand again. "Things are better. I've started teaching her archery and we're having fun together." She rubbed her palm. "But... I still feel on edge with her. Like if I do the wrong thing she will abandon me. I know she wouldn't do that but I'm so afraid that she will."

"Have you given any more thought to discussing it with her?"

Lara looked up. Not only did Marlow suggest this but her psychiatrist had to as well. They just didn't understand. "I can't hurt her again," she said.

"That is noble but what about you?" Erin asked. "Your anxiety seems to come from the fear of losing her and it seems that's because of your secrets. Maybe if you discussed them with her, and she accepts it, then you'll have less to worry about."

Lara thought about that for a moment. She could feel her heart telling her that it she shouldn't keep barriers like this between their friendship and that Sam would understand. Lara no longer blamed her as she knew she had to accept responsibility for her own actions. She was an idiot for ever blaming Sam and it was a result of her PTSD.

Lara no longer blamed her for the deaths of Alex, Grimm and Roth, or for what she had to do as she knew she had to accept responsibility for her own actions. The rest was just fate.

She was a coward for ever blaming Sam. That was her PTSD's fault and surely Sam would understand that.

But still, her brain told her it was a terrible idea and she would regret it for the rest of her life. There was no way she could lose Sam, not after everything she had done to get her back.

"What if she hates me because of it?" Lara asked quietly.

Erin was quiet for a moment. "I can't promise you how she will react," she said. "But I believe it's in your best interest to tell her."

Since then that idea would not go away. And the more time Lara spent with Sam, the more confident she was that Sam would take it well. She was supportive after all, and understanding of her privacy. So surely she would understand this?

Lara took a sip from her bottle. She had actually been thinking of telling Sam today, it had seemed right. But then the whole incident happened, and her shadow emerged again.

Today was just a perfect reminder of why this was a terrible idea. There was no way Sam would react well from finding out that she was partly responsible for the creation of the...thing...that scared her. At best, she would be angry or confused, at worst...she would leave.

Lara rubbed her temples again. This was all too much. She just wanted it to go away.

She took a deep breath and looked up. Her eyes caught sight of a small white box lying next to Mike's water bottle.

Lara stared at it for a moment, breathing, before slowly rising and walking over. She looked down at the box at her feet then crouched down and reached for it.

Painkillers. Stronger than the average over-the-counter pills, but weaker than the strongest she had had before.

Lara heard that voice again, prodding her forward. Numb it, it whispered. You need to contain this side of you. Take them, so everyone will like you again.

She opened the box and slid the tables out an inch.

You need them.

Lara looked around to see if anyone was watching then looked back at the tablets.

Go ahead.

The compulsion itched in her fingers until the tingling was akin to burning. Yet...she couldn't do it.

Take them, the voice insisted.

What's the point? The thought broke through her daze. What difference would it really make? That side of me will still be there when I come off it. I won't win. It will.

Lara bit her tongue as she slid the tablets back in. Just one, the voice pleaded. You need them, you know you do.

Lara clenched her eyes shut and slowly placed the box back on the floor.

"Croft!" She bolted up and spun around. "If you wanted to meditate I told you to go to yoga." Mike said.

"Sorry I'm…" her voice broke and she cleared her throat. "I'm coming." She darted back to her own water bottle and took a drink as she tried to calm herself down.

When she was certain that her heart was no longer thumping in her chest she went over to Mike and held her hands up in front of her.

Mike watched her for a moment, silent, then yelled, "Three!"

It was really coming down outside now. Sam could hear the large drops of rain pelting the roofs of cars outside and against their balcony.

The microwaved beeped and Sam went over to retrieve her dinner of leftover pasta. "Ow ow!" She snatched her hand back as the plate burnt her fingers. She hissed as she moved the plate onto a placemat then went to sit on the couch.

She flipped through the channels and eventually settled on the news, but it was still pretty boring. Some scandal with a big company. Building collapse. Robbery. Something about David Cameron.

Sam ate her dinner mechanically. She was hungry, but she didn't feel like eating. Lara still wasn't home, and Sam didn't know whether she was still angry or seriously hurt somewhere. Sam had texted her before but she received nothing back. She would try again but there was a chance that it would just annoy Lara even more.

So there wasn't much Sam could do now; just eat her dinner and wait.

There was a knock at the door and Sam jumped up to get it. She opened the door to reveal Lara standing there, blushing and dripping wet from the rain. She had her gym bag slung over her shoulder and wouldn't meet her eyes. "I forgot my keys," she mumbled.

Sam stepped to the side to let her in then closed the door. "Hey, umm there's still some left over pasta if you're hungry," she said, trying to sound upbeat.

Lara crouched to untie her soaking sneakers. "No thanks," she said without looking up. "I-I ate at the Greek place nearby." She pulled off her sneakers but remained crouched. "Thank you though."

Sam crouched down next to her and put a hand on her shoulder. Lara was being unusually quiet. "Are you okay?" Sam asked.

Lara looked at her sheepishly then stood up. "Yeah. I umm went to the gym," she said, going to lean on the table. Sam rose and turned around. Lara was looking at the ground again, struggling to meet her gaze. "I'm-I'm sorry about before. I over reacted and I should never have...intimidated you like that."

Sam gave her a smile and walked closer. She hadn't been expecting an apology or even to hear the subject again so it was nice to hear her say that. "It's okay Lara. I know how much that journal means to you and I really am sorry that I ruined it."

"You didn't ruin it," Lara said, looking up at her. "And it's no excuse for what I did."

Sam took Lara's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Seriously, don't worry about it."

Lara looked down at their joined hands but didn't say anything or smile. Soon Sam started feeling awkward and let go. "Umm why don't you go take a shower?" she asked, "You're dripping all over the carpet."

Lara looked up at her for a moment then away again. Sam could see a strange sadness in her eyes but before she could question it Lara pushed herself off the table. "Okay," she mumbled, then walked off.

Sam watched her go before going to sit back on the couch. Lara must have been more affected by the damage to her journal than she thought. Sam had taken a look at it before and all of the pages except the cover had only been wet at the edges. Was there some secret with the borders that Sam didn't know about?

She twirled a length of spaghetti around her fork. Sam couldn't really repair the damage to the journal but she had been saving a present for Lara's birthday that she might as well give her now. Maybe that would cheer her up.

Sam quickly finished the rest of her pasta then went to her room to find the present. By the time Lara was out of the shower, Sam was back in the living room with a white bag in her hands.

"Here." Sam gave Lara the bag and offered her a reassuring smile.

Lara glanced at her before reaching into the bag and taking out a small brown case. She took out the dark leather journal inside and flipped it over in her hands. Her brows furrowed as she ran her fingers over the Celtic tree of life embossed on the front and then unclasped the buckle. The pages were a light yellow, unlined, and Sam could smell the leather from where she was standing.

"I know it's not your father's journal," Sam said, "and I'm not trying to replace that but your other journals are full so I thought you could use a new one."

Lara looked up, her face ashen. "I can't accept this," she said.

"You don't like it?" Sam asked. "Okay that's-"

"No the journal's fine," Lara interrupted. "I just…" She grimaced. "I just don't deserve it."

"I was going to give it to you for your birthday anyways so it doesn't hurt giving it to you now."

"No, you don't get it." Lara insisted. "I don't deserve it." She looked away and her voice quietened. "Not after what I did today."

Sam frowned. "Are we still talking about the journal?" she asked.

"I…" Lara swallowed and crossed her arms. "I…almost…took…painkillers…again," she admitted slowly.

Sam stared at her, hardly believing what she was hearing. Lara had fallen off the wagon now? Really? She had been clean for weeks. And she just gave in at the first sign of trouble? There was no way. But why did she say…?

"'Almost'?" Sam asked.

Lara nodded solemnly, eyes downcast. "My trainer left them on the floor. And I was…I was frustrated? That I almost hurt you again. So I picked them up and…" she trailed off, not wanting to finish.

"But you didn't actually take them?" Sam asked.

Lara shook her head sadly. "No. I thought…that even if I took them the problem was still going to be there- it wasn't going to change anything."

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. She felt a smile break across her face. Lara didn't actually take the drugs! She didn't actually take them! "Lara that's-"

"I'm so sorry okay?" Lara said quickly. She looked at her and Sam was confused as to why there were tears in her eyes. "I know how much you believed in me and I don't know what happened today but I didn't mean to disap-"

Sam pulled Lara into a hug.

Lara froze and stood there stunned. Sam wrapped her arms tighter around her friend and whispered, "I'm so proud of you sweetie."

Lara was still rigid beneath her. "You're…You're not mad?" she asked.

"Mad?" Sam pulled back so she could see her eyes. "God sweetie I'm proud of you." Lara didn't look like she understood so she continued, "You took a big step forward today and even if it doesn't feel like it, you've made some real progress."

"But I almost took them…" Lara mumbled. "I almost gave up."

"But you didn't." She grinned. "And that's what matters." She hugged her again. "I'm so proud of you."

Lara stood there for another moment but eventually Sam felt her return her hug. She felt Lara press her face into her shoulder. "Thank you," Sam heard her whisper. Sam smiled and hugged her tighter.

They embraced each other for a long moment but Sam eventually pulled back. She gestured to the journal. "Look inside the front cover," she told Lara.

Lara raised an eyebrow and flipped open the book. Sam had come up with this inscription on a quiet night a few weeks ago while reviewing the video she took on the Endurance. The journal was a great place to put it so she could look at it whenever she was feeling down.

"Remember Lara," Lara read aloud, "You're a Croft." She smiled nostalgically at the words. "Roth's final words. Somehow everyone believed that except for me."

Sam smiled. "Well now you do as well." She watched Lara touch the inscription tentatively, as if it were a fragile memory. "Hey! There's also something inside the back cover."

Lara flipped to the last page and looked over the message there.

Sam bit her lip as she watched Lara carefully, hoping that she wouldn't misunderstand it. This message was more personal and Sam had thought for ages for it. It had been hard to come up with a simple phrase that expressed her both the extent of her love and respect for her until she finally settled on something she had told Lara before.

"Always remember what you're fighting for." Lara looked up and met her eyes with a small smile. Sam felt her heart flutter from the pure warmth and adoration in those hazel eyes.

Lara kissed Sam on the forehead then wrapped her arms around her tightly. "I'll never forget," she said.