Dudes, like, really? Literally the ONLY reason I'm updating is because my art course in college has started a new project that we've yet to really work on. I've been starved for creativity and needed to do something to fill the void. I very rarely write for myself, I like knowing that people appreciate what I present to them, whether that is in my writing, sketching, painting or singing. Singing is the only one I do for purely my own pleasure, but it stills helps knowing other people are inspired by or at least like it. I like being inspirational, and I love being inspired. It's a two-way street. How can I continue when I'm getting zilch from it? Reviews are inspiring in more ways than one, I like having people tell me what I did wrong, what I did too little or too much of. I like people telling me their favourite part. I like knowing that I've caused a reaction in someone! I love each and every reaction I've gotten and every person to share it with me, because I know that I made them feel something. I thrive on that. I can't continue without it. I got two reviews for my last chapter. TWO.
It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope, which then turned into a quiet thought, which then grew into a quiet word. And then that word grew louder and louder, until it was a battle cry. I'll come back when you call me, no need to say goodbye. Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before – 'The Call' – Regina Spektor.
JPOV
After Charlotte had calmed down from her fit of excitement and wiped the happy tears from her eyes everything became a little awkward. I had been so blissfully happy in my little bubble with Alice since the developments in our relationship that I hadn't brought myself to address the underlying issues. I knew they were weighing down on us but the right time would never present itself and so it was simply a matter of waiting until we were alone. But, I didn't want Peter and Charlotte to go. Their reactions to my change in relationship status made me optimistic about telling my family.
Alice came to stand beside me and slipped her hand into mine, linking our fingers securely. She glanced at Charlotte and quickly glanced away again and I knew something was bothering her. I looked up to see if Charlotte had noticed, and apparently she had. Charlotte's head was tilted to one side slightly as she appraised Alice; we both knew that Alice would tell us in her own time. She was more care-free and openly trusting now but she still lacked confidence and often feared that her opinions wouldn't be taken into consideration, or that her words would be silenced. It was easier for us to wait for Alice to realise we wanted her to speak rather than try to coax the words out of her or rush her at all. Almost timidly, Alice glanced to Charlotte again, this time holding her gaze.
"I hope you didn't spend your entire Christmas worrying about me…" She mumbled, I could feel the guilt emanating from her as she waited for Charlotte or Peter to respond.
"Well, it was still pretty early when Jay let us know that he'd found you. We knew you'd be alright with him so we were able to get back into our normal routine…" Peter offered after a heavy silence.
"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie and say we weren't worried, but we knew everything would be okay…" Charlotte reassured.
Alice nodded, mostly to herself before offering them both a shy smile and I squeezed her hand. Peter and Charlotte exchanged a few looks that I couldn't quite decipher, there was a sparkle in Charlotte's eyes I couldn't identify and just the ghost of a smile on Peter's lips, much more tender than any smile I'd seen him wear.
"What's going on?" I couldn't stop myself from blurting.
Charlotte's face flushed immediately and Peter's new smile became more pronounced as he took her hand. He met my gaze evenly not hiding or explaining the matching expressions they wore. They were glowing; they were intense but so unbelievably gentle.
"Charlotte gave me the best Christmas present in the world." Peter stated and when he glanced down at her. I knew.
I knew a split second before they said it and I could feel the shit-eating grin spreading itself across my face.
"We're having a baby." Charlotte announced, beaming with pride.
"Congratulations!" I said immediately, stepping forward to embrace them both. Alice was behind me and stepped forward to hug Charlotte as soon as she was free from my arms.
I shook hands with Peter and I could see how happy he was. We'd never discussed the possibility of either of us wanting children. I'd thought about it a lot personally. I'd had a long-lasting relationship with Maria and I was completely devoted to my neice so it was natural for me to think of starting a family. But, for Peter it was different. Charlotte was everything to him. He and his parents had never been close; they weren't bad people, they just saw the world in different ways. Peter had established himself in his own life and when he'd met Charlotte he'd adjusted to incorporate her. I never imagined he'd want children. But seeing the look on his face as I congratulated him told me that he'd considered it, and wanted it. I knew Peter would make a great father.
Peter was strong-willed and patient; he was the wise one, with endless advice and a sharp-tongue. He was defensive of those he loved and determined with everything he set his mind to. He would be a great father, with perfect guidance. Charlotte was passionate about everything. She was like a modern day hippy; she saw everything, though flawed, as beautiful. And she defined it in poetry. She was a believer in equality. Charlotte had so much clarity. She saw to the heart of things, no matter how grim times got. The clarity with which she perceived the world was enough for her to appreciate and embrace every moment that came along, no matter how fleeting. If their child could grow up with Charlotte's clarity and Peter's guidance, I knew their baby's life would be more than full.
I saw my two best friends in a different light after hearing their news. They had something else to build upon, another purpose, it completed them. And until they'd announced the pregnancy, I'd never considered them to not be whole. But now that I'd envisioned it, I couldn't imagine them without a child to love.
Charlotte broke me from my reverie as she beamed up at me.
"Ready to be Uncle Jay, for the second time around?" She teased.
I smiled fondly. I loved being an uncle. During the darker times of my life over the past few years, Jessie had been my only purpose. There were still times when being her uncle was all that I knew how to do. Charlotte knew how much caring for Jessie went to me. And Charlotte was trying to ensure me that she wanted me to be a part of her child's life as well. But the teasing way in which she'd breached the subject meant that she didn't want to go into the heavy stuff. She knew that caring for Jessie kept me sane sometimes. I wanted to ensure her that I would love her child like it was my very own niece or nephew. Peter was the brother I'd never had.
"More than ready." I grinned at her.
Alice had been more or less silent, other than congratulating Charlotte. I had to remind myself that Alice had only recently been brought into this family we had and sometimes she didn't know where she stood. I knew her hesitance was well-founded but it often slipped my mind. Because, for me, it felt like she'd always been there. It was a strange realisation. As if she was meant to be with me long before I knew of her existence. I'd accepted her completely and even though her past experiences caused her to be cautious there really was no need for her to be. I sauntered over to take her hand and she gave me a tiny smile. I tugged her to me and held her close, she sighed contentedly.
Shortly after that, we said our goodbyes to Peter and Charlotte and promised to make plans for New Year. Alice and I snuggled watching movies before heading to our bedroom. Alice was no longer hesitant, which made me remarkably happy. She was bolder, more independent and more open when it was just the two of us. Every time she touched me it was heated, electrifying. It rippled across my body causing my muscles to twitch and my skin to rise in goose bumps. She grinned wickedly down at me from her position of straddling my waist. She knew what she did to me and by her triumphant little giggles; I'd guess she liked it. She was so different from the frightened girl I'd found. Her eyes no longer held desolation. They held desire. She was no longer frozen. She was on fire. She was no longer lonely. She was mine.
When we finally collapsed in exhaustion in the wee hours of the morning and I struggled for breath, I felt oddly peaceful. It felt right. Alice snuggled against my side and I fell into a dreamless sleep, which was disturbed by the shrill ringing off the doorbell.
"Who the fuck?" I growled in frustration from both the interruption and the lack of sleep. Judging by the light it was morning.
Alice just giggled at me and I scowled in her general direction until my sleepy eyes finally pulled her into focus. She bit into her bottom lip and glanced at me from under her lashes, nothing but a thin bed sheet separating her skin from mine. The bell rang again.
I huffed as I threw myself back down into the bed. Alice giggled again. After the fourth time, I decided I'd have to get rid of them myself. I pulled on some boxers and groggily made my way over to the door. When I yanked it open I was more than a little surprised to see my mother's beaming face.
"About time! Now go get dressed and meet me downstairs in 5! Go on!" she ordered excitedly before vanishing.
I stood in the doorway for a second or two confused by her actions and request. She very rarely visited the apartment. She considered it to be to compact for he liking and she would much rather have the entire family get together at her house, it made her feel like we'd never left. I made the realisation that I was stood with the door open in just my underwear and promptly closed the door and made my way back to Alice.
"Who was it?" Alice asked softly, still swaddled in my sheets.
"Momma. She wants me downstairs, now." I explained, rolling my eyes at my mother's apparent urgency.
Alice got up to get dressed and I couldn't stop myself from watching her. I was slightly worried she'd think I was being creepy but she just smirked at me over her shoulder. I rolled my eyes again. After we were both decent we headed out. Alice wasn't exactly distant, but she was different and it took me a while to remember my mother didn't know about us.
The second we got to the ground floor Momma grabbed hold of my jacket sleeve and tugged me towards the door, I raised my eyebrow in question and she smiled widely.
"Late Christmas present." She explained.
When we got outside, all the air left my lungs. I tried to find words to thank her but nothing seemed enough. It was the last thing I'd expected. There, sat on the side of the road, was a car. Not anything fancy, just a little Ford. But it had a baby blue ribbon atop its dark blue bonnet and I hadn't had a car in so long that the necessity won out over my desire to save up to get a car of my choosing.
I lunged forward to hug my mother in thank you. She hugged me back just as tightly.
"Why didn't you give it to me on Christmas day?" I asked curiously.
"Because I know you, and I know there was something going on inside that head of yours. You wouldn't have appreciated it as much." She teased with a wink.
I knew she was joking of course. But I knew my mother; I knew why she'd done it. She'd sensed that something wasn't quite right with me and taken an educated guess that it had something to do with Alice. So instead of giving me the car on Christmas day for me to drive home in, she'd waited until now so that Alice and I had, had to walk back from her house after spending Christmas with the family, giving us the alone time needed to talk it through. What my mother didn't know of course, was the fact that the walk home had provided me with the perfect opportunity to finally tell Alice that I was in love with her. My mother had no idea just how much she'd given me with her gesture.
I also realised that with every day Maria was fading further away into a vacant memory. My lack of a car was a result of Maria, and now that I did, in fact, own a car, it was another reminder of Maria that I'd lost. I couldn't bring myself to be all that bothered by it. I glanced at Alice who had a small smile on her face as she watched my mother and me.
I wanted to tell everyone about my relationship with Alice. I wanted them all to know that I loved her so much it consumed me. I was just about to reach for Alice's hand when a horn honked loudly and Rosalie's BMW pulled up, with an excited looking Jessie jumping out to run to me.
Gran Canaria. Saturday 31st December 2011.
The view of an artist from a sunbathed promenade –
Holiday-makers and locals alike gather to experience a part of the city that is full alive. Magnificent sand sculptures are crafted by skilled hands and are just a portion of the artistic mindset that's bled through the throng of speedos and tanning oil. A Native American strums his guitar in both of both entertaining and thriving in the way of life he's chosen. A Christmas tree stands tall, decorated by thousands of tiny, red cards, and on them are scrawled the wishes of many. A pathway lined with palm trees on each side leads the way to more and more discovery.