The heaviness in the room hung like a cloak, and it seemed for a moment that neither of them would speak. Her mouth was open slightly, his eyes caring and concerned as they directed themselves to hers. He could feel that heaviness in his chest, and feel a soft buzz of electricity rolling from his fingertips.
"I never… meant to hurt you." Brennan said, refusing to look away from him. Her stomach was churning slightly, and there was a bit of dizziness that she was experiencing. The nausea was pushed to the side, ignored for the time being and she bunched her hands into fists. "It was never my intention for either of us to get hurt."
"I understand that." He replied. Booth was experiencing his own sense of dizziness at the moment, his lips dry, but his mind clear. He knew what needed to be said, he knew how to clear the air as well. She had asked for time, and she had gotten it, but he was ready. "I never meant to hurt you, Bones."
"We have already apologized." She said slowly, she took a step and wobbled a bit. She could see him almost step for her, but was relieved when he let her stand on her own. "I don't want this to be about an apology. I don't want you to regret…"
"I have no regrets when it comes to you. I make no excuses. You were right when you said that I loved Hannah." He replied. "I did, and part of me still does. You can't just turn your feelings off for someone." He held his hand out to her, and she reached for it, allowing him to grip her fingers in his hand.
"I missed you." She whispered, pulling herself closer to him, she wrapped her arms around him and he held her. She rested her head on his shoulder, burying her nose in his neck. "I missed us."
"I missed us, too." He whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I know that's why you kept this from me. I understand that."
She pulled from his embrace slowly. She rested her hands on his chest and stared at her fingertips. "I could make the argument that before you and I met, my life was a lot easier. But the day I met you, everything that I understood was different. I had feelings to go along with my assumptions. I have found that things that I was able to compartmentalize and put aside are weighing on my mind more. I felt alive when we were working on a case, when we were interrogating suspects together, working together, on stakeouts, undercover. I felt needed, wanted… I felt alive. When you came back, and I came back… we were strangers."
He moved his finger to her chin, gently lifting it to see her eyes. "We were never strangers, Bones."
"But we were." She said, stepping backwards. She lifted her hand to her forehead, backing up to sit on the couch. "You had your new life, and your personal happiness to be concerned with. "
"What was I supposed to do, Bones? Sit in the desert and wish things could have been different? You shot me down, Bones. You shot me down, and you left for Maluku."
"You told me to go." She said, keeping her voice low, her eyes were flashing fire. "You told me… to go."
Booth could feel her anger, her resentment. It was evident in her eyes, evident in her voice.
"You are the one that has regrets." He said, throwing that fact into the air, he could see her control starting to crumble. "You regret turning me down, and you resent me for finding someone else."
Her silence was enough of an answer. He expected her to retreat, to tell him that she was tired and to end the conversation there. However, she took her hands from her face, and looked up at him pointedly.
"I do have regrets, and I do resent you… and I did put myself in danger on purpose. I put myself in danger because of you." She said. Her voice didn't waver, her words didn't slur. She wasn't holding back. She could feel a dizzying rush of adrenaline. She thought he'd interrupt, or become angry. She thought that he'd at least react, but he didn't. He simply shook his head, and crouched down to face her.
"Tell me why, Bones. Why?"
"When I went to Maluku… when I left… I tried so hard to immerse myself in the work. I love anthropology. I love science. I love what I do, Booth." She said. She was picking her words very wisely, and he could sense the pause in the rhythm of her speech. So he listened carefully, keeping his focus on her face while she spoke, spilling her heart out to him in the slow, warm, flowing words that followed. "Everything felt so empty. I was surrounded by what I love, but I wasn't where I wanted to be. Maluku wasn't my home… and the work I was doing wasn't a life or death situation. If we found anything, it wasn't for the future, it was just a reflection of the past. Do you understand?"
Booth nodded.
"What I was doing here at home… working with you to catch murderers… it was for the future. We worked with the dead, to preserve the living. We put our lives on the line together… we trusted one another implicitly. We were partners. In Maluku, I had nobody… and I realized that it was you that showed me that. You brought colors and warmth into my work… you turned my work for the past into work for the future… and while I was realizing all of that, you continued on without me."
"Bones."
"No. I don't blame you. But… when I returned, I was already craving the danger. I needed to continue working for the future… even in places that you were not present. You moved on, settled on your future… and I was still looking for mine." She said, swallowing hard. "I resented you for moving on without me. I am guilty of that."
"Bones." Booth said, interrupting her for a moment, her head tilted, and he tried to focus on her eyes. "There is more to be said, but I think you've said enough for now. We can talk more about it later…"
"You are having nightmares." She blurted out, her palm resting on his temple for a moment, sliding her hand down to his cheek, she cupped it gently.
"It's fine, I've always had nightmares, Bones. It comes with the territory."
"You scream my name." She whispered. "It's like… you re-live it each night in your sleep. What do you see?" She asked.
"It's not what I see, Bones… I've seen a lot of death. What always gets me and tears me apart are the sounds… I hear people calling for help, dying… suffering. I can smell the burnt flesh, taste the smoke in my mouth. That's what I am screaming for… I can get to you in my dreams… I just can't stop the suffering around me." He whispered, with a whisper of a tear in his eye, before her arms opened and she pulled him into her. He snaked his arms around her as well, latching them securely on her frame, as he rocked her gently, to calm them both.