AN: I struggled with the previous chapter, so my apologies if it was a little 'meh'. Hopefully I'll be able to redeem myself with this one. This story is coming to an end. I thought to warn you so that the actual ending doesn't leap out at you like the original one from Fallout 3. I ask your patience for a chapter or two (or three knowing myself) more. Thank again for reading, it's always appreciated.
Chapter 26: Sleeping Awake.
The world certainly felt as if it had moved in the time that she had been asleep.
Commander Jane Shepard lay awake, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling. She was fairly comfortable and didn't really feel like moving. She rarely did these days but there was always something that pulled her up. Ship maintenance, staff concerns... The Reapers. More than once she wished that somebody else in the galaxy had her burdens and knew what she did. More than once she wished that somebody else would step up and take responsibility for the fate of the galaxy.
But, she had also come to realise that the reason she was in this position was because nobody else would. And wishes had never brought anybody anywhere.
She sighed deeply, immediately feeling the pressure on her ribs though it wasn't as painful as before. She felt as if she was bruised all over and when she turned onto her side, she felt a moment's pain on her back. It was brief and nothing like she had had before but it was enough to remind her how narrowly she had escaped death by shotgun.
"She stirs."
Jane blinked slowly and looked beyond the bed to see Miranda sitting on a chair beside her. She raised her brow at the ex-Cerberus officer and slowly pushed herself up, clutching her chest as she did so. She expected Miranda to object but the woman merely looked at her with faint interest.
"Miranda," Jane greeted her, not sure what else to say. "I presume the Normandy made it here safely. What's our status?"
The dark haired woman smiled briefly and put down the data pad that she had been reading. Getting up fluidly, she came to the bed and ran her omnitool over it, getting Jane's latest vital statistics.
"In summary all is well," Miranda said curtly. "Due to the nature of this venture I left all nonessential crew on Nos Astra. The only additional crew members on board this ship are Dr. Chakwas, Prof. Solus and myself. And then of course Jack and Garrus who came with you."
Jane had to stop herself from smiling, once again amazed at how efficient Miranda was. There were very few Alliance officers she knew who were as good as this woman.
"What's everybody doing?" She asked, watching Miranda's face closely. The woman raised her perfectly shaped eyebrow, closed her omnitool and frowned.
"Professor Solus is here," she said, motioning to the other side of the infirmary. "Dr. Gable and Asura are sleeping in another room. And to my knowledge, Dr. Chakwas is helping Jack and Garrus decide how to dispose of the bodies inside the facility." She hesitated, perhaps purposefully prompting Jane to ask her next question.
The Commander grimaced and sighed.
"And Liara?"
Miranda's face showed no emotion as she shrugged. "In the command centre," she pointed out. "Dr. T'soni went there the moment she woke up."
Jane motioned to her to pause. "Woke up?" she queried, thinking that Liara had still been awake the last time she was. "How long have I been asleep?"
"Oh," Miranda said. "About twelve hours. Give or take. We arrived five hours ago. You were dead to the world. You took quite a beating Jane." Concern showed in her clear, blue eyes for the first time.
Jane grimaced and slowly shifted off of the bed, thinking that she wanted to the Normandy to take a shower. "Will I live?"
Miranda smiled briefly but her concern seemed to grow as she took note of Jane's tone. "Indefinitely," she said. "But Jane... Are you alright?"
Again, she couldn't help but smile bitterly at her XO. "You're supposed to be the judge of that," Jane pointed out. "You know me better than I know myself."
Miranda frowned at her, clearly not thinking her statement amusing. Her brow furrowed as she cast her eyes to her omnitool for a moment. Jane decided that it was best to leave her before she asked any other questions. The moment she moved though, Miranda deftly stepped in front of her and fixed her with such a forceful look that Jane involuntarily took a step back in surprise. The look soon vanished, it always did with Miranda. Jane sometimes forgot that before Project Lazarus, Miranda was one of the Illusive Man's top agents. She was used to command, more so than anybody else on board. With the exception of Garrus. Unlike everybody else, the ex-Cerberus officer didn't just accept Jane's authority. She questioned her, made her objections and opinions known and was always quick to point out to Jane when she thought the commander was making a mistake. It was what made her a good XO.
And as much as Jane hated to admit it, Miranda did know her very well.
"I'm not done reporting Commander," Miranda said shortly, her voice like ice. Jane looked at her for a moment, trying to determine what angle she was going to take then shrugged and rested against the bed.
"Then get on with the report Officer Lawson."
Miranda acted oblivious to Jane's tone as she continued. "Before she went to bed, Dr. T'soni gave us a list of things we could use from the base to replenish the Normandy's stock. Medication, food, some schematics that would keep Daniels and Donnelly happy for days." Miranda's mouth thinned. "It's very generous; if you don't consider that the supplies aren't hers to part with."
Shepard didn't blink but crossed her arms tightly. "What are you getting at Miranda?" she asked, not wanting to make it easy for the woman. Again she was aware of that ice and steel that lay behind Miranda's gaze and under different circumstances, she would've admired it.
"I'm saying Commander," Miranda said sharply. "That it doesn't appear as if Dr. T'soni will be joining us when we leave."
Jane flinched and immediately hated herself for her lack of self control. The gesture was all that Miranda needed for her final pounce.
"What happened between you two, Jane?"
The urge to snap at Miranda that it was none of her business came and went but Jane realised that if she showed that much emotion the woman was just going to try and dig deeper. So, she forced herself to become calm and shrugged.
"You're right Miranda," she said finally, keeping her tone painfully neutral. "Dr. T'soni has decided to remain here. It was a good call to leave most of the crew on Nos Astra. The fewer people know the details of this mission, the better."
Miranda kept studying her face and the ice melted a little as she tilted her head to the side. "And you don't approve of her decision?"
Jane grimaced and looked at the floor. She had to; she didn't want Miranda to see the wasteland that was her emotions.
"No," she said simply. "I think it's dangerous and foolish. A lot of people paid in blood for the knowledge preserved in this ship. It's not fair if we use it."
Miranda was silent for a few seconds but didn't move away to allow Jane to leave. The Commander glanced at her briefly to see her frowning.
"Yet," Miranda finally said softly. "You convinced Mordin to keep Maelon's data."
Jane barely stopped herself from flinching again. "That's different," she said. "That information can help the krogan."
Miranda's mouth tightened as she fixed her with another stern look. "And this information can help us," she pointed out. "Surely you must see this."
Again her anger simmered to the surface. It was in moments like these that Jane hated her temper. It burned in her and no matter what she did it kept coming back. Still, she took a steadying breath and shook her head.
"Miranda," she said tightly. "If it was about the information, I'd have gladly downloaded the database onto the Normandy and then blow this ship to hell. But Liara's going to maintain the intelligence network. She's going to become the Shadow Broker."
Miranda's voice was very quiet as she asked simply. "And you don't trust her anymore?"
Jane blinked started and shook her head. "No!" She said immediately. "No, it's not that..." She trailed off when Miranda gave her a very direct look.
"Then Jane," she said. "There's no reason for you to object. You just have to accept it. Dr. T'soni will do what she feels she must do to ensure that we're more prepared to fight the Reapers when they come. And, to have her in this position is strategically a good move. Yes, she might not serve just your purpose, but she'll look out for you. You just have to let her."
Closing her eyes against the echo of the pain that she had felt the day before when Liara told her that she considered their friendship broken, Jane had to take a deep breath to collect herself. She thought of everything Liara had said to her. She swallowed and reached out to touch Miranda's elbow, dropping her voice so that the others in the infirmary couldn't hear her.
"Miranda, do you perceive me to be..." She struggled to find the right word. "Unable to let go."
Miranda blinked at her and then, to her surprise, started laughing. It was a comfortably easy sound, warm and without the reserve that Miranda always put on her words. She put her hand over Shepard's and squeezed it warmly.
"Jane, you are the most stubborn person I know," she said. "No, you don't let go easily. You hang on with everything that you have. You hanged onto life when everybody was willing to write you off as dead, you hang onto your crew – old and new. You wrap us around you so tightly that it's something difficult to imagine a life without you. And..." She paused and smiled kindly. "And, I think Jane, you don't know how to imagine a life without us. It's what makes you who you are. It's what makes us follow you. And, sometimes, it's what makes us want to move away from you. To show us that we can."
Jane didn't feel particularly happy with what she heard and looked at the floor, thinking of Asura. The Ardat Yakshi also had the ability to wrap herself around a person so tightly that they forgot to see reason. It was one of the reasons she insisted that Abby wait a week before she decided whether or not she wanted to go with her. Was she the same?
"Am I that terrible Miranda?" She asked softly. "Am I driving everybody away?"
Her XO shook her head. "No Jane," she said softly. "And you're not driving us away. I don't think that's why Liara's choosing to stay here." She took a deep breath and turned around to look at the rest of the infirmary before she returned her attention to the commander. "I don't know what happened between you two," Miranda said softly, stepping away from Jane so that she could cross her arms. "But I know that this is important to you and after Samara you're pretty touchy in general. As your XO, I'm advising you to review the situation. Go take a shower, eat something, clear your head and then go and talk to Liara again. Listen to what she's saying." She smirked. "That's another thing you don't always do very well. You hear what you want to hear. The situation might not be as dire as you think it is. I can't imagine that Liara T'soni would ever be as willing to leave you as completely as Samara did."
Her words hurt and Jane had to take a sharp breath to steady herself. The calm that she had felt when she woke up was shifting and she sniffed loudly, crossing her arms as she glared at her XO.
"You're not making me feel any better Miranda," she said.
Miranda merely shrugged and fixed her with a stern look. "I don't need you to feel better Shepard," she said coldly. "I need you to think. Besides," her tone changed as she smiled dryly, "if you want to feel better – talk to Yeoman Chambers."
Unable to help herself, Shepard laughed, feeling a rush of warmth towards Miranda even though she was irritated by what she said. The other woman merely smiled at her, her arms still crossed over her chest and her blue eyes studying Shepard.
"Go take a shower Jane," she said and turned around. "You'll feel better." She moved to the one console, their conversation clearly over. Jane didn't say anything but moved away from the bed. Before she walked away though Miranda turned back to her. Her face were softer this time and the frown on her brow not quite as cold as it was before.
"Jane," she said simply. "I am sorry that things didn't work out the way you wanted it to."
Feeling miserable Shepard could merely shrug. "When does it ever Miranda?" She queried but left the infirmary before her XO could answer.
She thought about what Aria said and it bothered her.
"You think you know where you came from," Aria had said to her now more than a week ago. "But I don't believe that that is the truth. I don't think this universe that you spoke of exists. I'm sorry my dear, but you are suffering from a delusion. A strong one."
I feel real, Dr. Abigail Gable thought as she lay in the warm embrace of an Ardat Yakshi. And this feels real. And my memories are real. So... How can all of this be?
She had never really bothered to ask herself that question, too afraid of what the answer might be. She knew what madness could lie at the apex of her disease and she didn't want to believe that it had already woven itself into her mind.
And, Abby found herself thinking as she felt Asura's soft breath in the nape of her neck. Does it matter?
She was beginning to think that it didn't. The truth was that she didn't really care how she had come here. She didn't care whether it was madness or whether this was some sort of consequence of her attempted suicide. She was here and her presence had consequences. Asura's liberation from Lenelle and Vasir's death bore testament to that. So, Abby began to realise that delusion or not, she was going to have to accept her presence here and start taking control of her life again.
It was a frightening thought, even more so than being taken prisoner by an Asari Spectre. When she was brought here, Abby had absolutely no control over her future. Now, she did.
She felt Asura shift next to her and wondered whether the Ardat Yakshi was awake. The asari had her one arm draped over her and shifted it slightly so that she could take some of the pressure away from Abby's chest and rest it on her hip. Abby didn't think that Asura knew that she was awake because the asari had that air of trying to keep very still. It was different lying next to her. The last time Abby had shared a bed with anybody was when she was still with her ex. It was a lifetime ago when things were different.
Very different.
Her ex had been a man.
And definitively not blue.
Abby had to stop herself from laughing at the thought, knowing that she had to take this seriously. The truth was that she had never thought that she would step into a relationship again. And, although she had said to Asura that they should try to be friends first, she knew the Ardat Yakshi wanted more. Whether it was because of her nature or Abby herself, the vet couldn't say for sure.
And, she would never ask Asura that. Ultimately, Abby would need the asari as well if she was to be able to get up by herself in a year or two. The thought scared her. Neither of her melding experiences had been pleasant. The sexual high that accompanied the pain was almost like a violation. Of course, she had never done so willingly. Perhaps things would be slightly different if it was a gesture of aid between friends.
But again, that brought her back to the fact that Asura wanted a relationship where as Abby didn't know what she wanted. Despite the game lore and what people said in this universe, Abby perceived asari to be female. Men didn't have breasts. And, she knew what asari looked like naked.
It wasn't that she was against same sex relationships; it had just never been on the cards for her. And having a relationship with an alien...
It was an awkward subject and Abby didn't really know who to discuss it with.
But, she guessed that it wasn't her biggest concern right now.
She had thought that Asura had fallen asleep again but was surprised when she felt the Ardat Yakshi's fingers begin to trace a pattern on her leg. She made sure to keep her breathing steady, but the feather light touch on her bare skin made her mouth go dry. She held out until she began to feel her body respond to the promise of the Ardat Yakshi's love and quickly reached out and took a hold of Asura's wrist. The asari jerked startled and tried to pull away from her but Abby took her hand instead.
"It's okay," she said quickly. "It just ah... tickled."
Asura didn't reply immediately but held her breath for what felt like an eternity. "I thought you were asleep," she said finally, sounding embarrassed. "I hope I didn't wake you."
Abby shook her head and awkwardly turned onto her back so that she could look at Asura. "No," she said, studying the Ardat Yakshi's features, acutely aware of how close they were to each other. "I've been awake a while. I've been thinking."
She was pleased to see that Asura had the decency to look embarrassed. "I'm sorry," the Ardat Yakshi said. "I wasn't... thinking."
Abby made a grunting sound of agreement and wondered when Asura had gotten up to get out of her own pants. From what she remembered, the alien had gotten into the bed fully dressed. And, she had actually been sleeping on her other side. She wasn't going to say anything, but she was intimately aware suddenly of how their legs were entwined together.
Damn her and her bloody Ardat Yakshi vibes.
Abby knew she should've moved away from her, but she didn't. The truth was that it was also comfortable. She liked lying in Asura's arms and feeling her body so tightly pressed against hers.
For no other reason than it made her feel safe.
Cared for.
She felt real in Asura's arms.
As if sensing her thoughts, she saw Asura frown at her and shift a little away so that she could prop herself up on one elbow.
"What were you thinking about Abigail?"
Abby chuckled softly and resisted the urge to caress Asura's cheek. "That you're the only person short of my mother who calls me Abigail more than once," she pointed out then grew more sombre. "I thought about what Aria said. Of the offer she made us. Have you given it any thought?"
Asura shifted uncomfortably and squeezed Abby's hand where their fingers were still entwined. "Not really," she said quietly. "Should I?"
Abby felt a spark of irritation as she nodded. "Yes," she said. "It was a good offer Asura. You... You can't just assume that you're going to be safe now that the Shadow Broker is dead. It might've been his mercenaries hunting you, but he also used other parties. And... And you murdered quite a couple of people." She felt Asura stiffen and look away from her. "If they find out it was you who did it, there will be retaliation. Look how easy it was for Martin Fen to capture you." She knew she was pushing it and felt conformation when Asura abruptly pull her hand away.
"I got him," Asura said in a voice like death. "I saw through his scam."
"Hmm," Abby murmured, cautious of the Ardat Yakshi's anger but pushing forward regardless. "But would you have done so if the Broker hadn't asked him to wait around for a bit? Would you have been able to fight your way out of this base or into it if you hadn't been with Shepard?" She frowned. "And if he had captured me? Would you have felt forced to do his bidding? You have to think about these things Asura. You might be strong and able to fight off almost everybody that tries to attack you but I'm not. Normally I can't even feed myself without the risk of throwing everything around like a damned child. I'm your weak link Asura or I will be if you decide to stick with me."
She struggled placing the emotions she saw in Asura's eyes. There was dismay, denial and anger all mixed together. The asari glared at her as she shook her head sharply.
"I'll protect you Abby," she pointed out vehemently. "I won't let anything happen to you."
Wondering how it was that Asura was almost 400 years older than she was, Abby shook her head, gathering her patience again. She reached up and caressed the asari's cheek. "I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Shepard," she said softly. "I won't hold you to that Asura. I can't. Life happens. You can't control or predict it. There's more happening in this universe that you know about. Protecting me and yourself is going to become more and more difficult." She felt a sliver of fear but pushed it away quickly, knowing that Asura could sense it and not trusting what effect it would have to the Ardat Yakshi. As it was, the alien looked more worried as she carefully settled down next to her again.
"What are you suggesting?" she queried softly. "What is it that you want Abigial?"
Abby bit her lip and slowly reached out to take Asura's hand again. She knew that the asari would feel the tremor in her own fingers. "What I want Asura," she said softly. "Is to stop being just a passenger. I want to stop being dragged from one end of the universe to the other. I want to do what I could before. I want to be a vet again. It's the one thing I can still do and yes, I might not understand a lot of the medical procedures here but I can learn. I can become familiar with the drugs, the equipment." She closed her eyes as her body jerked involuntarily, shifting her painful ribs. "I want to accept Aria's offer to open up a veterinarian practice on Omega. But I can't do it without at least some involvement from you." I can't do it unless you meld with me again. And regularly. She shivered and it had nothing to do with her disease.
Asura was quiet for a very long time, though Abby was somewhat encouraged when she didn't pull away from her.
"Abby, you don't have to work," she pointed out. "I'm... Well off. And, please – don't be mad. I don't mean for you to sit at my home all day reading. But... Omega is a very dangerous place, Aria T'loak even more so. Yes, her offer is very tempting but, there's going to be a price. The problem with Aria is that you can never predict where she's going."
Abby sighed softly and nodded. "I know," she said. "I know this Asura. But, I need something more than just a comfortable life. My family wanted that for me. They wanted me to retire, to give up my practice and spend the rest of my days in some semblance of comfort before my disease robbed me of all independence. And, I hear you as I heard them. But I can't do it. I need a purpose. Here, perhaps even more so. I need to feel as if I mean something, as if I can make a difference. I tried and failed with Vasir. Because I didn't know what I was doing. But I know what to do as a vet. And I love healing. As frightening as it was, I even loved working on Feron. It's... a part of who I am. It's what I want."
They were quiet for a few more minutes and Abby was encouraged that Asura didn't launch any more objections. She relaxed a little and allowed her head to rest against the asari's as she looked at the bare room around her.
"What do you want Asura? Truly?"
The Ardat Yakshi chuckled bitterly and squeezed Abby's hand. "I want to be a different person," she said. "I want to have a normal life. Nothing more than that."
Her words saddened Abby and she felt their resonance in her own heart. "And you think you'll find this with me?"
The asari held onto her even tighter. "Perhaps," she whispered the hope in her voice almost killing Abby. "As you said, we need each other. But I want it to be about more than that Abby. I can see that you're... worried. I know you're afraid that I'm only drawn to you because of your... talent. But, it's more than that. I like you and, I'm willing to stick things out with you." She sighed. "So if you truly want to go to Omega, I'll help you. I'll object, naturally. But, I want to give us a chance. If you want."
Abby felt happy and sad at the same time. Not knowing how to respond, she decided that silence was the best option. She allowed Asura to slip her arm back underneath her and draw her closer in as tight an embrace as she dared with Abby's injuries.
"I want us to go to Omega then," Abby whispered. "Let's hear Aria out again, hear whether the offer is still on the table and what exactly it will be. Then we see what happens, we see what options presents itself."
She felt more than heard Asura's sigh of dismay, but she knew that the asari would agree with her. Then, she brightened suddenly and Abby could feel her smile.
"So... Are we going to Omega from here?" She asked. "Are you coming with me?"
Abby smiled and nodded, though she couldn't help but feel depressed suddenly. And frightened. She was going to have to tell Jane that she was leaving. And, she was going to leave the safety of the Normandy. She had known that she would do so the moment she saw Asura again. And, the moment she realised that without her help, she'd just become an invalid again. But she was going to miss being on the Normandy as it was the world which she knew the best. The place she had fled to even when she was in her own reality. And, she was going to miss Jane. Even though the commander had barely spoken to her in the past couple of days since Samara left, she could not deny the resonance that they had. Perhaps it had been because Abby had played the game, she couldn't say. But, it meant that leaving Jane's shadow was even tougher.
She didn't say anything else to Asura but allowed herself to relax in the asari's arms, feeling sleep crawl towards her again slowly. She still had a lot of concerns and worries, but she knew without a doubt that she wouldn't be able to solve them now.
But, she was going to have to talk to Jane.
And she wasn't looking forward to that at all.
The End of Chapter 26