Not so fluffy this time, Sarah wrestling with worst elements of her past and her demons, probably three parts.

Usual disclaimer, no rights to any characters...

Sarah sat with the twins and wrestled with her demons, yet again, she was getting sick of these doubts, and she wanted her life back! When she took a step back to look at the problem, she realised that what she needed to do to address this issue was just what she'd been trying to keep away from, talking to Chuck about it. With that resolve she nodded to herself, kissed her sleeping children and went downstairs.

As usual when she was spending her time with the twins, Chuck was working at the screen in the living room. She kissed him and waved at the screen, asking if he could turn it off as she settled on the other end of the lounge, tucking one leg up under her and leaning back against the arm. Chuck quickly shut things down and turned to face her, giving her his full attention. Sarah had trouble getting started and then just leapt into it. "You know the things that I'm having trouble letting go of at the moment, about the things that I've done and what sort of person that makes me?" Chuck nodded, wondering where this was going. "The fact that you don't accept my views on what I am, or at least what I was, is making it hard for me to let it all go and move forward, so I've been thinking, perhaps what I need, here and now, is to for us to debate the issues until we reach an agreement about whether or not I am, or was, something that doesn't deserve a place in this family. You have researched me more thoroughly than anyone else ever has and you have information on nearly everything I was and did, so I was thinking that if we can debate enough of the incidents to reach an agreement on that, maybe I can let it go and we can move forward. Obviously I will be taking take the "for" position on me being unworthy, and you will be taking the "against" position, can you do this for me?" Chuck looked at her with a pained expression, but knowing that what she was actually asking was for him to help her convince herself that she wasn't the monster that she kept telling herself she was, he quietly replied that if she believed that discussing, debating (when she went to correct the term he used) this would help, he would do it, of course. At that she nodded and thanked him, asking whether he wanted to start with the killing, torture or sex? Chuck blanched and gulped at that, before tentatively saying that he presumed that sex was the smallest issue to cover, so perhaps that would be the best for them to start with? Before she could respond he went on to remind her that nothing they discussed would stop him loving her, and that was a fact that she had to accept. Sarah nodded and squeezed his hand before drawing a breath and jumping into the debate.

Sarah started out by stating that the only man other than Chuck that she'd had sex with since she met him was Shaw, and that had been only two times, yes, she'd fallen for his seduction techniques while she was conflicted about Chuck, but she still hadn't been able to turn off her feelings for Chuck and wasn't really receptive, she'd gone through the motions twice but Shaw didn't push the issue after that as it would have been too close to rape for them to maintain a working relationship, let alone a personal one. She also brought up the Lon Kirk mission where he had apparently thought she was going to sleep with Kirk and told him that even though she WAS trying to prove that she was a professional who didn't let her feelings get in the way of the mission to both of them (and Casey) at that point because of how much she'd been thrown off by the kiss at the "bomb" that wasn't a bomb etc, that was never on the cards, the most that she would have allowed was kissing and fondling, she wouldn't have let it go past that. She looked at him to see whether he accepted the truth of what she told him, and was relieved to see the "yes, of course" expression on his face when he nodded. She also told him that she'd still been a virgin when she went into the CIA when she was 17, as she hadn't really had any friends, and certainly hadn't had any boyfriends when she was at school or trying to be "normal". For that matter, her father had never stooped to pushing her into using anything like that in any of the cons that they ran before he went to prison when she was 16, actually as a teenager he'd instead pushed her more and more into the frumpy, awkward look with the braces etc (that you saw the picture of at the reunion) so that she wouldn't attract as much attention, being pretty or memorable wasn't usually a good thing when you were making a living by going around scamming people, because being recognised or remembered made you much more likely to be caught.

To cover off the rest of the indirect CIA related sex incidents she advised that there had been about a dozen times with Bryce (Chuck couldn't hide his surprise at that, as she'd told him that they'd been together for about 2 years). She looked at his reaction and said that it was mostly post mission sex, they hadn't had a real emotional connection (like we have), and it wasn't that wonderful, so while he wanted it more, of course, she usually only gave in when they were on an adrenalin high after a good mission. There were also four or five other times with other agents that she was partnered with before Bryce, and they were all pretty much the same as the times with Bryce. There had also been a couple of times when she was at drunken parties while she was in college studying the subjects that the CIA enrolled her for, but nearly every time other than with him was in some way related to the CIA.

With the easy (indirect) part out of the way, she launched into the debate on what she had done directly as an agent, the training and mission related sex. She wasn't quite sure why she did it the way that she did, or what she was trying to do, shock Chuck, push him to reject her or what, but she laid out the details of the training, and the five incidents in her career where she had actually had sex with a target in a very graphic and confronting manner, keeping her mask locked down in an attempt to hide the self loathing she was feeling as she recounted the details. She described the training in a bit of a faraway voice, as if she was still separating herself from the experience, saying that most of it was instruction, videos and examples (when her voice changed a little as she said that some of it wasn't too bad, Chuck made a mental note to talk to Roan about her training, as he'd indicated that he was part of her training when he and the General stayed for the twins' first birthday weekend, and all of her reactions to Roan showed that she didn't have any issues with him, so the parts that he was involved with had to be at least part of the "not too bad" areas), but there was some direct sex "instruction" and "tests" that she had been made to go through and participate in, and that was when she'd lost her virginity (adding "all of them" in a quieter voice). When she finished the description of her training, not quite managing to keep the expression of disgust off her face, he asked her what would have happened if she had refused or argued any more than she did, to which she looked at him, shocked, realising that he'd even found records relating to her training. After searching for the right words, she responded that Graham had called her and told her that he had been getting reports that she was being uncooperative with her trainers, and that if she didn't do what was expected of her, her father would be relocated to another prison which was largely under the control of a mob family that he'd recently taken for a few hundred thousand, where he probably wouldn't last a week. At that Chuck just asked her whether she'd believed that she had any choice but to do what they'd told her to then? Sarah shook her head with tears in her eyes and Chuck held her and let her cry until she was ready to continue.

The mission related incidents were mostly back when she was a new agent and she had been placed in the position where she had been sent into dangerous situations with not enough (if any) support by superiors who didn't care whether she lived or died, or what happened to her while she was in there, as they placed little value on inexperienced agents, especially women, but she didn't elaborate on that, just laid out the events in graphic detail in a seeming attempt to horrify her husband. She was a little surprised how easily Chuck shot her down arguments in every instance, presenting the information that he'd gleaned from her own and others' mission reports that showed that she would have had little hope of surviving, or that critical missions would have failed, if she hadn't gone through with the actual sex in the positions that she'd been forced into in each of those instances. Each time Chuck shot down her argument, her mask cracked a little and she allowed tears and smiles to escape.

Once she'd conceded to his argument on those points, given that she'd chosen to present all instances for herself, mission and other, Chuck countered with his own activities over the same period. He pointed out that he'd had two other partners (Jill and Hannah) and three instances of sex while they were "broken up" and seeing other people, and that he'd been with Jill and at least four or five others on more than twenty instances back at college, while conceding that he hadn't had sex with anyone else from when he left college until he met her. The "dry" period before he met her notwithstanding, obviously if either of them should be ashamed of what they did in regard to sex, it should be him, and he was ashamed, at least about Jill and Hannah. By this stage, Sarah had closed the space between they and was cuddled up into his chest and crying, letting her tears wash away some of the angst of the subject matter. When her tears had abated a little she raised her head to look at him and pose a query, that being that given the differences in her experiences between him and Bryce, she couldn't understand why the hell Jill would leave HIM to go to Bryce. Chuck shrugged and kissed her on the head, quietly saying that Jill's experiences with him were probably like her's with Bryce, not that wonderful because they hadn't had anywhere near the same emotional connection that he did with her. He gently pulled her chin up to look into her eyes and told her that what they have is almost certainly a once in a lifetime thing, for him anyway, he couldn't imagine feeling this much for another person more than once in a lifetime. Sarah pulled herself up to meet his mouth as she agreed with him and they lost themselves in a kiss and with that finished the debate for that night.

A/N: I realise (and hope) that people won't "enjoy" these parts, but look at them as filling in the holes. Throughout the series and most fanfics, we have Sarah looking at happiness with Chuck as being something SHE doesn't deserve, because of what she has done in the past. My view was always that the things she did were a result of the circumstances that she had little control over, which were pushed on her by her father and especially by Langston Graham and the CIA, so what I'm trying here is to frame what she did, and what happened to her, in an attempt to show where I think her belief that she is, for want of a better word, damned, has come from. FWIW.