Snape woke up the next morning wondering what it was going to be. He had seen the two marauders and Harry in thick conference yesterday after they returned home, and now he was on alert. The prank war had begun.

Yesterday had gone mostly well, though upon their return he had overheard Sirius once again grilling Remus about his relationship with Severus, insisting that surely they had to be lovers for Snape to trust him like he did. Severus' ears reddened when he heard SIrius insist, "C'mon, it just makes sense - you guys are acting like a couple, and he trusts you! Of course you're dating!"

Snape did feel a bit mollified when Lupin replied, "Two men can have a friendship that doesn't involve sex!" he snapped back. "In some ways it would be easier if we were a couple - except that neither of us are attracted to men. Now knock it off before Severus hears us and decides to hex you!"

Severus, for his part of the conversation, stoically pretended that he did not hear a thing. But it also made him think - was he attracted to men? He had never given it much thought really, there had always been so much more to think about it. He wasn't opposed to the idea on moral grounds, so he let his thoughts wander. He pictured Lily, as she was when they were sixteen and full of hormones. He had worshipped her as an untouchable thing, he couldn't even picture being allowed to kiss or to touch her. He thought about Lupin then, and what it would be like to try to be passionate with him. He realized that he wasn't attracted to men, because Lupin was a man he liked and respected and the idea of seeing him with his shirt off did nothing at all for him. Picturing him naked made him want to laugh. He liked having Lupin as a friend and he was a stimulating partner in crime and conversationalist, but Snape had no desire to snuggle him.

His mind then drifted to Fiona, possibly because she was one of the few women he knew his age that he had had contact with. All too easily, he could picture having drinks with her, and moving closer on the couch. He could put an arm around her shoulder, having her curly hair trickle down. And he could pull her soft body close to his, pressing against her ample bosom . . . Aack! He mentally screamed. I will not think of her that way! Stop! He employed his strongest occlumency to try and banish those thoughts from his mind. He did not want to date at this delicate time in Harry's development and relationship with him, and if he were to date it would be a well-mannered and well-schooled woman, probably a fellow potions master he met at a conference or somewhere. He did not want that bossy harridan as a companion.

The next morning as he was scanning for pranks, his mind once again drifted to Fiona. She's not even an option for a friend, he told himself sternly. That last interaction would certainly have decided that for sure. He cringed thinking about their last interaction, and felt shame creep into his cheeks. He had called Poppy to help with Black partly because they had worked with snakebites together before, and partially because he was too ashamed to face Fiona. I'm better off without her as a friend, he tried to convince himself.

So distracted by his embarrassment and thoughts, he did not notice that his toothpaste was a slightly different consistency than normal. But as he brought the toothbrush up to his teeth, he nearly spat it out. Someone had substituted his toothpaste for thick hand cream! And it was the kind he made with shea butter to soothe hands that had been washed too many times by the smell of it! Spitting the foul tasting stuff out, he heard giggling behind his bathroom door. With a glare and a quick transformation, he was back to brushing that taste out of his teeth and doing some planning of his own. Don't get into a prank war like this with a potions master when taste was on the line, he thought to himself.

Snape said nothing as breakfast started, and everyone eagerly tucked into the pancakes that Maisie had cooked for them. With the first bite, however, Harry's face screwed up and Lupin choked.

"What's wrong with this?" Sirius demanded.

"Mine tastes fine," Snape smirked, bringing a second bite to his lips. "Oh dear, are the pancakes not up to your standards?"

"They taste like . . . like . . . " Harry started, trying to place the taste.

"Brussel sprouts?" Snape supplied helpfully.

"I like brussel sprouts," Lupin admitted, choking down the pancakes. "But I have to admit to finding it a rather shocking taste for the pancakes."

"I had rather a shock like that myself today," Snape replied, his voice strategic. "I wonder at what the day will hold."

Harry and Sirius giggled together, understanding. Lupin, who had not been part of that particular prank looked confused, and then glared at the two miscreants.

"Severus, may I have some of your pancakes?" he asked politely.

"Certainly," Snape answered, realizing he was not in on it.

Harry and Sirius stoically ate their brussel sprout pancakes, making faces and daring each other to finish without gagging.

Snape softly said, apparently to himself, "I would never prank a potions master about something to do with potions. It would be very easy for him or her to say something like, 'Mess with me and you won't know what to eat.'"

Harry and Sirius giggled at that, but they nodded. Don't get him where he's good. Snape also thought that an important lesson - look at your enemy's strengths and don't strike him there.

After breakfast it was decided that everyone would participate in decorating for Christmas. Snape conjured a tree easily, and soon the three adults were outdoing each other for hanging and creating decorations. Snape had just created a Santa decoration that reminded him of one he'd seen as a child, when he caught some movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head just enough to see Lupin holding Harry up to fasten some sort of garland up in the corner of the room. With a whoosh of surprise, he realized that the garland was made by attaching several pairs of black, silky boxer shorts to a line that ran along the wall - HIS black silky boxer shorts! Why were his pants on the wall?"

Narrowing his eyes, he said, "Caught you. You think you're so clever?"

Harry laughed, fastening the last ones. "Like our decorations, dad?" he asked, cheeky.

"I believe I will refrain from comment," he answered. "But I do expect three hundred lines of 'I will not get caught pranking making Christmas decorations out of someone's pants' by this time tomorrow."

"Not from me!" Sirius answered, oppositional.

"That is the deal," Snape answered him smoothly, rounding on him to face him. "And one hundred of those lines will be in your handwriting or I will have to take drastic measures."

"Like what?" he asked, still blustering.

Snape cocked an eyebrow. "I will let you decide if you want to find that out."

After lunch, Sirius and Lupin were in the front room reading, and heard a ruckus starting in Snape's laboratory. "That's it!" they heard Snape roar. "I've had it with you! You are getting the strap this time!"

"What?" Sirius asked, looking at Lupin in surprise. "I thought . . ."

"March right upstairs, Mr. Potter!" they heard Snape order, and got up to see Snape ushering the young boy upstairs, protesting all the way. They saw Snape remove his robe and toss it on the chair, and then remove his belt just before entering Harry's room. Could he really be doing this?

Lupin and Sirius looked at each other in shock as they heard Snape yell, "You will not do that ever again, do you understand me young man? Now bend over the bed and take what's coming to you!"

They paled and gasped as they heard a crack! of the belt and Harry's pained yelp, and Lupin started up the stairs. At the second crack, Sirius was right behind them, and they glanced at each other, deciding to intervene. Lupin nodded, and whispered, "Let me, he likes me more," to Sirius.

Lupin knocked hesitantly, and visibly flinched at the third crack of the belt. "Um, Severus, perhaps we should talk about this? Belts leave welts! You don't want to do this to Harry. Let's talk about this."

"Go away!" Snape yelled, landing a fourth blow.

Harry let out a pitiful sob and a plea, "Please don't, dad!" that had Sirius seeing red, and he banged against the door with all of his might. Surprisingly, the door gave way and both of them tumbled into the room, and right into a nest of strings. Then, two buckets of ice water dumped on both of them, drenching them to the skin.

"What?" Sirius sputtered, looking for Harry.

"I'm here!" Harry called happily. "Thanks for rescuing me."

Sirius looked up and saw Harry happily perched on his bed, watching Snape give the business end of his belt to his pillow.

"Harry?" Lupin asked, shocked.

"It was my idea," Harry rushed to assure him. "Dad didn't want to, but I convinced him. I wanted to see what you two would do if you thought he was abusing me, so I turned it into a prank. Wow, only four licks with the belt had you guys breaking down the door."

"I told you it wouldn't be more," Snape smirked at Harry. "Harry had thought it would be after twenty, if at all."

"What do you take us for?" Lupin asked, indignantly. "Of course we would interfere if we thought he was abusing you."

"It takes a lot of courage to take on Severus Snape in a temper," Harry acknowledged. "Thank you, both of you, for saving me."

Snape, smothering a smile, flicked his wand and the strings were banished, and the two of them were dried.

"I too want to thank you," Snape nodded respectfully at them. "That took courage. I am glad to see that my faith is not misplaced. I am pleased to know that Harry has such staunch defenders, even against me."

"Promise not to do that again," Lupin breathed. "I almost had a heart attack."

"And hearing Harry beg was heart-wrenching," Sirius added, shaking his head. "Not again."

"We won't," Harry promised. "Though if I can get him to do it for real I get 200 galleons."

"He pays you 200 galleons if he wallops you?" Sirius asked, incredulous.

"Only if he abuses me or punishes me unfairly," Harry told him. "It hasn't happened yet."

"And it won't," Snape assured all of them. "Really, Lupin, I would have thought you at least would trust that I wouldn't do that."

"I didn't think you would, Severus," Lupin ruefully acknowledged. "It took me a few seconds to even believe what was happening, but Harry was pretty convincing."

"Why does dad call you Lupin and you call him Severus?" Harry asked, curious. "Dad calls everyone by their last names."

"I just do, Harry," Snape admitted. "I'm not accustomed to calling people by their first names. I believe you are the only one that I do."

"It would feel more like family if you would, dad," Harry said to him seriously. "Do you think you could try it out? Just for Christmas break?"

"Just for the break," Snape conceded. He really had a hard time refusing that child anything, he realized briefly, then pushed the thought away.

"I think our valour on that prank should cancel our lines," Sirius said cheekily.

"I don't, Bl - Sirius," Snape intoned. "One does not make up for the other. You got caught, you pay the piper."

So the lines were turned in the following afternoon, each 100 in a different handwriting. Snape scanned Sirius's page, and then glared at the miscreant. "There are only 98 lines on this page," he said firmly. "I believe you are short."

"It's two lines!" he protested. "How did you even count that fast?"

Snape grimaced, and then with a flick of his wand Sirius yelped in pain. "Not fair!" Sirius protested, rubbing his backside against a stinging hex. "I'll hex you back!"

"Ten years out of practice with a borrowed wand?" Snape sneered. "Go ahead and try."

Recognizing his defeat, Sirius glared at Snape. He would make that Slytherin pay, he thought darkly.

And pay he did. Snape found his underwear full of itching powder, and then when he went to the shower to wash it off he found both his water faucet and the shower nozzle spurting just bubbles instead of water. Though a quick flick of his wand corrected both problems, he had to give them a nod for inventiveness. His inventiveness, of course, was put to use when he put tiny spiders infiltrating everything in Sirius' room - his bed, his deoderant, his shampoo, his clothes drawers, everything. After listening to Sirius yelp all morning with very little ability to banish the spiders himself, finally Remus did it for him. Then Sirius, Severus and Remus cooperated on a similar prank - they hid several galleons worth of knuts all over Harry's room - and he spent most of the afternoon on the treasure hunt. The knuts were inside books, in his trunk, in the bristles of his broom, and folded in his clothes. Snape watched him fill a jar with the knuts, and thought this had been the best prank war yet.

AN: Prank Credits: Wandamarie for underwear and itching powder, an unidentified guest for parseltongue and hexing food flavors (parseltongue will be later), and LilyEvansDouble for lotion for toothpaste and the water faucet having just bubbles. Also, RUgoing2writethat for keeping the joke alive. All other pranks in this chapter are modified from pranks that I have actually done (including the belt prank, but it was actually pretty innocent), and let's just say I had a lot of fun in college (my spiders were plastic and we used pennies). Also, Mishi Gohiku has credit for the, "Mess with me and you won't know what to eat" line.