Preparation

Hibiki and Dita walked to Main Engineering together and found Lieutenant Commander Ballblair and her staff bustling about, making what repairs they could. The Pyxis shone brightly through the window into the ship's core, fully recovered from their wormhole jump, and Parfet sounded harried and frustrated, talking into a comm unit.

"Where are those G-38 power regulators?!" she cried plaintively. "I put in a req for them last night! What the hell, Gasco?"

"It's Gascogne, dammit!" her irate voice snapped from the device. "You want me to call you four-eyes, or—" She groaned, then continued in a more normal tone, "Sorry, Parfet. Don't mean to take it out on you. Everybody's in the same boat, and they're all complaining. Nothing's been delivered yet, and I'm not getting any clear reasons, or even an estimate. As soon as I know anything, you'll know."

"Okay, Gascogne," she said, calmer. "I didn't mean to be a pain either, but it's…"

"Yeah, I'm getting the same thing from everybody and it's driving me buggy, too. I'll tell you when I find out."

When she finished, Dita asked, "Parfet, have you got a minute?"

She looked relieved to have something interrupt their ongoing meltdown, and gave them a big smile when she saw their clasped hands. "What can we do for you two famous romantics today? A quiet hideaway? A ship-wide video feed?"

Hibiki went first. "Parfet, could you send a few people with me to finish checking my Vanguard, and look over Dita's Dread? It's been missing for three years; no telling what condition it's in."

"Sure thing, Hibiki." She looked at Dita, then back at him. "But, just you?"

"I've got something else to do," Dita said. "I'd like to access the ship's old datacore, to do some research."

Parfet considered, briefly. "That should be okay. What kind of research?"

"Men and women, love, sex, relationships and so on."

She looked very interested. "Ooooooh. Sounds like fun."

"It's not about fun," Dita corrected her, but with a smile. "We've got problems, and I want to look for answers."

"Oh, right, Barnette," the engineer said, still interested. "Mind if I help? We're just spinning our wheels here, waiting for parts."

"I'd be grateful for some help. Thank you."

Parfet loaned Hibiki four ladies ranging from a senior lieutenant in her late twenties to a trainee who'd been aboard less than a year, plus one of the two Taraak crewmen in her department. They turned to leave, but Dita caught Hibiki's arm.

"Wait a minute, Hibiki." She turned him around, put her other hand on his cheek, and kissed him. "There. Now you can go."

Parfet laughed, most of the women looked shocked, and the Taraak crewman seemed deeply disturbed. Hibiki was surprised, but only for a few seconds. "Sure, Dita. I'll see you at lunch, then."

This time they all left Main Engineering without incident. Parfet drafted one of her computer specialists and they departed for the old Ikazuchi's main data processing center with Dita, talking and laughing.

They quickly found that there was a lot of data on 'men, women, love, sex, relationships and so on' in the old computers, enough to keep all three of them busy for many years. Dita resisted at first, then finally gave in, swore them both to absolute secrecy and told them what she was looking for. After they finished laughing and giggling, they went to it with a will.

Dita found herself running down all sorts of side tracks and related information. Their situation was actually a common theme both in history and literature, so she had presumed that there would be an equally common solution, but she found that not to be the case. Most of the 'solutions' she turned up were no such thing, most being ways to eliminate one of the three participants with anything from lies to prison to murder.

After following up references to 'jealousy', 'infidelity', and especially 'adultery', she began to wonder if they were still using the same language. According to the Old Earthers, she was supposed to hate Barnette, or Hibiki, or both of them. Barnette should hate her. That one, at least, seemed to be right on the mark. Hibiki, well, he shouldn't hate anybody but he should be very worried.

None of it made much sense to her. Neither Hibiki nor Barnette was to blame for their situation, hating them would waste her energy without accomplishing anything, and it would prevent her from doing anything that could actually solve the problem. She couldn't avoid the conclusion that in some ways, those Old Earthers must have been a bunch of Old Idiots.

Their research into the laws and customs governing romance was equally confusing. The laws themselves were clearly spelled out, but when they tried to find out the reasoning behind them, they always wound up in the rules of one or another Old Earth religion that nobody on board the Nirvana belonged to. That was of little use.

Literature was actually more helpful. Writers were usually not bound by the laws — although in a few cases, it had actually been a criminal offense to write a work of fiction that disagreed with the government and/or religious authorities. They had much greater freedom to explore all possibilities. Finding specific information was harder, but Parfet and her computer expert Korai put together some searches and turned up various things that were useful, useless, disturbing, or hilarious.

They sorted through it all, history and literature, discussed the relevant parts (and some of the irrelevant ones; a few were just irresistible) and made sure they understood it all to everybody's satisfaction.

Hibiki and the engineers found that his Vanguard only needed a couple of trivial adjustments, taking less than ten minutes. He sent them on ahead while he stopped off in sickbay to look in on their worst casualties. Three of his Vanguard jocks were among the injured, talking almost casually with the women patients, swapping stories and boasts about the battle. It seemed that the ice had been broken, at least in a few cases.

Duelo assured him that they were all expected to recover, although the most critically injured Dread pilot was still in a coma and would have to be sent to a major medical center on Mejere. They wouldn't be seeing her again for a standard year, maybe more. He thanked Lorin for letting Dita use her room, then spoke to each of the others briefly, women and men alike, and finished by pretending to be envious of their cushy 'vacation' time, warning them not to make excessive demands of the poor medical staff but to hurry up, get better and get their lazy asses back to work. He walked out, followed by jeers and laughter.

He made his way to the cargo bay/hangar and joined the others working on Dita's Dread. All of them watched him curiously, obviously wanting to ask questions but uncertain where to start. After half an hour or so the Taraak man called for some help from where he'd crawled underneath the port engine. He pointed out a seized bolt, they positioned the tool, checked alignment, braced their feet, and pulled. It resisted for several seconds, then broke loose with a loud CRACK.

The man looked around cagily, then whispered, "What did that woman do to you, Major? Back there in Engineering. Did she…bite you?"

Hibiki broke out laughing. The ridiculous idea that Dita would try to eat him, the memory of Barnette biting him in the throes of passion, the crazy things Taraak men were still worried about after a lifetime of outrageous propaganda…he couldn't help himself. It was some time before he recovered enough to answer, "No!"

"What's so funny, Commander?" a woman's voice reached them from beside the spacecraft.

He was still laughing. "This guy thought Dita was biting me, back in Engineering."

The hangar exploded with feminine laughter echoing off the walls as the two men crawled out from under Dita's Dread. The senior Lieutenant was the first to recover, at least enough to say, "She kissed him, you dumbass!"

"Uhhh…" He was warily keeping Hibiki between himself and the women. "What's that?"

The space filled with laughter again, plus mocking comments about clueless Taraak men who didn't even know what a kiss was. Soon enough, he was more irate than nervous and demanded grumpily, "Okay, so, what is it?"

They laughed some more, until Lieutenant Falos said, "Well, you're not going to find out by kissing me!" and the rest laughed even harder as they echoed the sentiment.

One of the others said, "Get Commander Tokai to show you, he knows all about it!"

"Not happening!" he yelled over the new round of hilarity. When it died down again he told the still-uneasy mechanic, "Look it up in that stuff the Firsts gave us about men and women."

They spent the rest of the morning climbing over, under, around and inside the sleek blue space fighter, making a long, long list of minor things that needed to be fixed, including a few that would become serious if not taken care of. It was lunch-time almost before he realized it.

There were two knocks, hard. Barnette thought about it, then sat up on her bunk. "Come in."

The door opened. Jura walked in and closed it. She looked strained, and upset, and like she hadn't slept well. At least she wasn't wearing her sword.

"Thought it was you." She motioned at the foot of her bunk. "Have a seat."

"No." Jura moved closer, stopped about one step away, looking down at her. "You owe me an explanation. And an apology."

Barnette sighed. "You're right."

"Well?"

She sighed again. "I'm sorry, Jura. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm really sorry I hurt you."

Jura frowned at her. "Anything else?"

"I'm not sorry I love Hibiki!" she said defiantly. "I'll never be sorry for that!"

Jura just looked at her for a short time. "So, when did you decide you wanted a man?"

"I… I didn't decide it."

"What the hell do you mean?"

"I always needed a man! But I was never allowed to know that."

Jura glowered at her, but didn't say anything.

"We were always told men were the enemy. They were horrible and evil and cruel and they wanted to hurt us, but it was a lie. Well, maybe some men are bad but Hibiki's not. He's a good man, and I love him like I never loved anybody, not even you."

"So you never loved me."

"I didn't say that! I just can't love you the way I love Hibiki. I don't think I can love any woman that way."

Jura glowered again.

"Didn't you always feel like there was something wrong? With us? Something missing?"

Jura didn't answer immediately. "Sometimes I wondered why you weren't…closer."

"Don't you see? There was something missing for me, and I didn't even know what. I'd never even seen a man. I thought there was something wrong with me."

Jura started to answer, then stopped. Barnette suspected she'd been about to say there was something wrong with her. Finally, "You should have told me."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just… I didn't know how to tell you."

"You knew how to tell everybody else!"

"I'm sorry about that too, Jura. I hurt you, and Hibiki, and I didn't mean to." She grimaced. "I was trying to hurt her, drive her away from him, so I could have him back."

Jura made something between a cough and a laugh. "Didn't work, did it?"

"No. It could never have worked. I was doomed the minute she came back. I think, maybe, he loved me, but he always loved her." She reached out, picked up a cloth, already damp, and dabbed at her eyes. "Now I'm just in the way."

Jura looked at her with, maybe, just the tiniest trace of sympathy. "None if it worked out so good, huh?"

"Not in the end, no." She raised the cloth to her eyes again. "But I don't regret it. To feel this, even for a few days, to know I can feel like this, it was worth it. It's worth anything." She sniffed. "No, I only regret that I waited so long."

Jura looked at her for a time. "So now what? You don't think I'll take you back, do you?"

"Of course not. I broke that. And, don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't go back if I could. We never really belonged together, I just didn't know it." She lowered the cloth and looked up. "I'm sorry I'm not who you need me to be, but this is who I am. Who I always was. Now that I know, I can never go back and pretend."

Neither of them said anything for a while.

"I'm sorry about everything, Jura. I never meant to hurt you, or anybody. It all just kind of got away from me."

There was another long silence. Finally, Jura said, "I guess we're done here."

She walked to the door and opened it. "Good-bye."

Barnette looked up again. "Good luck, Jura."

"Hmmm."

The door closed. She held the cloth to her face again.

There was a knock on the door and Commander Calessa's voice called, "Permission to enter."

Captain Magno 2 Vivan looked away from her computer displays. "Come in, BC."

The Nirvana's XO looked…annoyed. She stalked to the desk and announced, "Captain, I've been looking into some questions Gascogne and Meia brought to me, and the answers I'm getting are less than satisfactory. We've been here more than fourteen hours, they had six hours notice before that, but we still haven't got a repair schedule, we haven't been assigned docking space, and they haven't even told us when they're sending somebody to assess the damage. Our supply requisitions are being held up by 'inventory problems' but they're 'working on it'. I asked how they're managing to have 'inventory problems' with food, fuel, ammunition, spare parts and medical supplies, all at the same time, and they say they're 'working on it'."

Magno's expression had darkened throughout the narrative, and when it was finished she growled, "Passive-aggressive foot-dragging."

"That's my assessment." Buzam scowled ironically. "It just occurred to me that they never actually said they're trying to solve the problems, only that they're 'working on' them."

Magno narrowed her eyes. "It appears that we should take our business someplace else, Commander."

BC nodded. "I concur, Captain. Avalon?"

Magno nodded decisively. "Avalon. Tell these buggers off without giving them any actual grounds for complaint and get us under way."

A most incongruous sound came from the stern Commander as BC almost…giggled. "A subtle thumb in the eye?"

Magno chuckled evilly. "Not too subtle, Buzam. Wouldn't want them to miss the point."

Avalon was Magno Vivan the First's fanciful name for their former pirate base. It was farther out-system and not fully equipped to handle capital ships, but the Nirvana wasn't just any ship and they should be able to make do. They did have extensive Dread maintenance capability. At least they would give it their best, unlike Industrial Facility Delta-Two which was set up for major ship repair.

From her station on the Nirvana's bridge, Commander Calessa established a comm channel to the shipyard asteroid floating less than eight thousand meters away. A Taraak officer appeared, wearing a smug, officious expression, obviously preparing to relish yet another opportunity to ever-so-politely tell a ship full of women to get stuffed. She had mentally dubbed him Major Asshole during their first conversation yesterday, and he hadn't given her any reason to revise that opinion. She was glad she had decided to use her Buzam voice instead of switching off the voice modulator.

Major Asshole had barely opened his mouth when BC's synthesized voice, practically dripping with sarcasm and scorn, announced, "Delta-Two, it appears that you are unable to meet our requirements. We'll leave you to straighten out your confused scheduling and your remarkably wide-spread 'inventory problems' with all the efficiency we've come to expect from the Taraak Army. I sincerely hope that you'll be adequately prepared the next time a battle-damaged ship puts in here for repairs. In the meantime, we'll seek assistance from a Mejere station and see if they can't do just a little bit better. Nirvana, out."

BC reveled in the sight of Major Asshole puffing up with growing outrage and indignation during the harangue, then disconnected just as he was opening his big mouth again to protest. There was no reason for her shipmates to endure any more condescension, evasions, or thinly veiled insults. She pushed more buttons, and now a much more pleasant voice sounded throughout the ship. "Due to unforeseen difficulties at Industrial Delta-Two, we are taking the Nirvana to Avalon. All departments, prepare to get under way at once."

Buzam turned to her left with a nasty grin. "Lieutenant Midori, we did record that, did we not?"

The comm officer grinned back. "Yes, Ma'am."

The grin got just a bit nastier. "Good work. When you have a minute, forward copies of all our communications to me, for…review."

Celtic Midori's grin turned nasty, too. "Aye, aye, Commander!" Somehow or other, those recordings would make their way around the Nirvana, get back to Mejere, be passed on to Taraak, and cause all sorts of trouble. Maybe the next Major Asshole would be a trifle less tempted to fuck over allied ships for his own amusement.

Within five minutes Gascogne, Lieutenant Omiren Jarunako and Meia reported Ship Services, Engineering and the Dreads ready. The current patrol flight would catch up with them on the way. Another frame appeared, with a new face. "Vanguard group ready to get under way, Commander."

BC recalled his name after a few seconds. It would seem that Commander Jaze Rojan was substituting for Major Tokai while he and Dita were…otherwise occupied. Buzam suppressed another temptation to giggle. Instead, she called out, "Lieutenant Bolmar, get us under way for Avalon."

The duty helmsman replied from his station, "Aye, Commander, setting course for Avalon, two-three-six by plus-zero-point-three." Their view of the star system shifted as the Nirvana lined up for the trip. "Coming about, acceleration in eight seconds…five…we're under way to Avalon. Estimated time nine hours, forty minutes."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

There were three light knocks at the door. Barnette sighed heavily, then said reluctantly, "Come in." It opened and she smiled, relieved. "Hi, Meia. Have a seat?"

"Thank you." Meia closed the door, took two steps, sat on the bed and gazed at her reproachfully. "I kept your secret, for all the good it did." She could only hold it for a few seconds, though, before she cracked a smile and chuckled. "Really, Barnette, if you wanted to shout it out to the whole ship, you should have told me."

Barnette chuckled with her, ruefully. "I did not mean to do that. I… I was…"

"What did you mean to do?"

"Oh, hell, I don't know. Push her away… get him back, somehow…" She shook her head. "I wasn't ready for that, to just run into her, not then, not there…"

When she didn't go on, Meia asked, "What are you going to do now?"

"They've called a meeting in Hibiki's room after lunch, to decide what to do about…all of this." She sighed fatalistically. "Or, they'll decide. I'll be there, but I don't think I'll have much say in the matter." She sighed again. "Just being in the same room with both of them will be hard enough."

"That's not like you. Giving up before the battle's even started."

"What chance do I have? Everything I did to get him back just made things worse." Barnette coughed out one laugh with no trace of humor in it. "I've been fighting since yesterday, and I've lost every skirmish. I've taken massive casualties and the survivors are demoralized and out of ammunition. The whole campaign has been one long series of disasters, and prospects for the final battle are…dismal."

"Hey, now, there's got to be some hope," Meia tried to reassure her.

"I want him, she wants him, but there's only one Hibiki!" Barnette lamented as if she hadn't been listening. "Somebody's going to be shit out of luck and after the things I've done, why would he pick me?"

"Because he loves you?" Meia suggested.

Barnette shook her head miserably. "He loves her. All I've done is cause him trouble."

"He loves you, too. I can tell." Meia reached down and squeezed her hand. "What happened yesterday can't just erase that."

"I think you underestimate my proficiency at fucking up," she said dolefully.

"Come on, Barnette, nobody's that good at being that bad," Meia insisted.

"Oh, I'll grant you, it wasn't easy," she groused. "I had to work at it. Four— no, five tries, to completely fuck things up."

"I'm trying to cheer you up. Why won't you let me?" Meia said plaintively. "It's like you're determined to wallow in misery."

After a long wait Barnette said reluctantly, "I guess I don't want to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed. To find that he's just trying to figure out how to tell me he doesn't need me any more."

Meia shook her head. "I don't think he'd do that. I saw the way he looked at you."

"That was before…" Everything, she finished to herself. Before she came back, before he rediscovered his first love, before I turned into a madwoman. She squeezed Meia's hand. "What can I do? What do you think I should do?"

"Show him the Barnette I remember from yesterday morning," Meia urged her. "Be the woman he fell in love with, and hope for the best."

"I don't see a 'best'," she said hollowly. "Even if he did pick me, she'd still be right here, all the time. We just saw how much we need that VanDread, so they'll be together, a lot. He'd be…divided. Conflicted. Even if he didn't act on it I'd wind up getting suspicious." She coughed out another unfunny laugh. "You know me."

"Oh." Meia was taken aback for a few seconds. "Guess I hadn't thought it through that far."

"I've had nothing to do but think about it." She shook her head. "Everything's back the way it was three years ago, except me."

"You can't know that," Meia objected. "I've hardly seen Dita since she got back, and everything I remember is three years out of date. I"m sure she's changed in all that time. Is she still the same Dita we knew?"

"He doesn't seem to have any doubts," Barnette said resentfully.

"Then don't make him doubt you. I don't want to see any of you wind up miserable, so promise me you'll talk to both of them and try to work all this out somehow."

"I don't see how," she grumbled, then gave her friend a weak smile. "I know you're trying to help. I appreciate it, really. I just don't know what good it can do."

Meia sat deep in thought for a time, then said, "Neither do I, but there could be something." She looked at Barnette intently. "I do know you'll never see it if you don't allow yourself to." She gripped her friend's hand again. "It feels like you've closed yourself off to any possibility that there can be a solution. I think that would be a big mistake."

Barnette looked stubbornly unconvinced. Meia went on, persuasively, "Even if you can't think of a solution right now, maybe all of you, working together, can. I think it's worth a shot."

"Maybe you're right," she admitted grudgingly. "All right, I'll try. For all the good it'll do."

"Give it a chance. A real chance," Meia implored her. "And give Hibiki a chance, too. I'm sure he won't just… what is it they say? Dump you? He cares about you a lot."

"I care about him, too, but is that enough?"

"I don't know." Meia looked at her helplessly. "That's something I can't help you with." She half-smiled. "It's almost lunch time, though, and I can have somebody bring yours."

Barnette shook her head. "Not hungry. I had to force myself to eat breakfast. Thanks, anyway."

"Oh. Well, is there anything else you need?"

"For this to be over, one way or another," she said forcefully. "I want to know what life I'm going to have tomorrow. Even if it's not the one I'm hoping for. All this uncertainty has got me a little, um…"

"Unhinged? Deranged?"

She winced. "Oooh, that's harsh."

"I have to call 'em like I see 'em." She gave Barnette a little smile. "Hang in there. It won't be much longer."

"A couple of hours," she agreed gloomily. "A lot can happen in a couple of hours. Look what happened to us yesterday." We got drawn into a huge trap, came far too close to losing everything, and were saved at the last minute. Now only one of us is worried about losing everything.

"Now you're just being melodramatic," Meia admonished her. "I'm quite sure the ship will be fine, and nobody's going to die, or even wind up in sickbay. Whatever happens, you're going to get through this, and I'll still be here."

"Errr…" Well, that put it in perspective, didn't it? I guess she's right. Her lips twitched up in an ironic half-smile. "Thanks, Meia. I'll…keep that in mind."

"Good," she said, squeezed her hand again, then groaned slightly. "I've got to grab my lunch, then go on trying to put our squadrons back together. We've got a lot of Dreads down, and pilots too. I'll see you later."

She nodded. "See you, Meia. Thanks again."