Chapter 26 – History

'They say pain is an illusion

This is just a bruise'

A content sigh escaped the GS-4 as she finally caught her breath. The cold chill of the outside went ignored for Erika was still feeling heat that was generated only minutes earlier. Her head was still spinning and as she gazed at her king, she could tell he felt the same way.

A light snow had begun to blanket the Island of Kollsvik, although Erika couldn't see it. She had something far better to look at other than frozen water falling from the sky. She nuzzled her love softly, letting out a quiet "I love you" for what seemed like the millionth time. But he wasn't tired of hearing and he knew she'd never got tired of saying it. Ruby red lips smiled at Adolf as Erika peered into his dimly lit silver eyes. There was something she had always been meaning to ask.

"What's it like having light bulbs for eyes?" she said suddenly.

He blinked slowly, the light going out for a moment. "I couldn't tell you. I have alvays had zhem. I have never known vhat it ist like othervise. All I could say ist zhat it makes traveling in dark, zhick veather a good deal easier."

She pouted, unhappy with his answer. "Well... I was always told my eyes kind of glow. I'm the only GS-class who has blue eyes you know. Everyone else's were variations of orange or gray if you were a GS-6..." She sighed sadly after she said that as it reminded her of her sisters. Edith, Ella, everyone… where are you now? She wondered.

He took notice of her expression and frowned a bit. Erika rarely had bad moods of her own volition, and he debated briefly on asking what was wrong... He decided against it; if she wanted to tell him, she would. "... Zhey do glow." He said in an attempt to cheer her up, "In a different vay."

A smile became visible on Erika's face. "Well…" she began in a lustful tone, "aren't you a sweetie?"

The faintest smile came across his face as well for a moment. After a moment of silence he decided he could stand to elaborate a bit more. "Vhere I come from, it ist… a lot like zhis. Cold, dark... It helped to be able to see in dense veather, as it vas often zhat vay."

"I'm sure Germany is like Disneyland compared to this hell hole."

"It vas quieter…" His voice grew very quiet as he spoke, as if he were thinking.

"I'm sure it was happier too…" She watched him quietly for a few moments before giving him a gentle bump. "What's wrong?"

His brow furrowed into a straight line, "Nozhing."

Her gaze hit the floor after he had spoken. He had shut himself off to her. No… not this again. She thought they were past this; however she had gotten to know him enough to know that pushing him on certain subjects would not play out well for her. And being it his birthday, the last thing she wanted was to ruin it. Still, talking about their homes had brought her down a little. She wondered if any of them had made it out; had any of them been spared or where they all gone? It was then that she remembered Madison's words and her conversation with Caitlin and Connor about Sodor.

Sodor…

After all these years, she had still remembered the name. She also remembered their agreement that the three of them would perhaps someday end up there. She wondered if this was actually the place. Sodor and Kollsvik weren't remotely close to the same name and Kollsvik wasn't a land of the free. The fear of death loomed over each of them every day and every night. It rose with the morning sun and tucked the engines in at night after a long, hard day's work. The threat seemed non-existent to Adolf and maybe Sofie as well, but was she immune to Kollsvik's touch of death? She didn't know and she didn't want to think about it and instead rested her forehead against Adolf's.

"I wish I could take you away from here..." She said, "far, far away from here. Someplace where we can both be useful and not be treated like shit. A place where we don't have to sneak around in order to be together."

He sighed softly at the thought of it all, "Zhat vould be nice…"

"My friends would talk about this place where steam's still needed and no one had to worry about being scrapped or retired or overrun by diesels and..." She stopped as she suddenly realized how stupid she sounded. "But such a place doesn't exist... no one wants us... No one but Charlotte I guess but..." She frowned at the mentioning of Charlotte and looked up at him, "What's the deal between you two anyway?"

Adolf's eyes widened a bit- he hadn't been expecting such a weighty question so suddenly. "Vell, uh…" He swallowed thickly, looking off to the side for a moment. "Vithout her, I do not think I vould be alive now. Or I might very vell be rusting avay somevhere. Zhere vere others like me, zhough I never knew zhem... Over zhe years ve began to be considered too costly to maintain and vere easily superseded by zhe younger, faster, flashier engines. At zhe time Charlotte found me, I vas hopeless. I vas just… vaiting. To live, to die, to be left to rot. I vas not vanted by anyvone; Charlotte gave me a purpose. I owe her something, at least, for zhat." He paused briefly and sighed deeply. "I know she is far from perfect, or even close to any unorthodox form of ideal, but she did me a great justice, in her own vay. I cannot, nor do I deserve to have any complaint."

Erika couldn't disagree with that for she had done the same for her. Charlotte too had given her purpose and a proper home when no one else would. She also unknowingly gave her the love of her life and that was probably the greatest thing she could have given her. It didn't excuse her Boss's behavior and the way she rang her railway, however. "I understand," she admitted. "I was retired by my railway in 1957 and was left to sit in a shed for a year until I was placed on static display, outdoors in a field in Oregon with two others…" she smiled a little as she thought of Jackson and Jim and hoped they were still alive and kicking. "I met her before and she asked me to go back with her to her railway and at the time, I said no because I wanted to wait it out. That didn't work so I took her up on her offer the second time 'round. She gave me a home, a job… you and I couldn't be more grateful for that last one. I never thought I'd find myself in love again, especially after what happened before..."

"Before…?" he looked at her. It seemed it was his turn to be curious about his love's past.

However he came up empty handed as well as Erika went quiet. "I don't want to talk about it." It was funny how after all these years the pain was still there. The pain of losing Sam and using Aaron, the guilt from lying and the heartache of rejection was all still there. Even though Adolf's love eased the scars of the past, they were still there and just thinking about it would only reopen the wounds.

The BR59 went silent as well, seeming to have drifted off to his own world as a few white snowflakes managed to find their way into the shed. All this talk about their homes and their lives was bringing back some memories he'd rather forget. "How long…?" he muttered before meeting her gaze. "How long do you think ve have?"

"Until…?"

"Until ve cannot be togezher anymore."

Erika frowned in confusion. What was he going on about? Was something wrong? Was he ill? "What?"

"It's just zhat... I vorry for zhe future."

"Why?"

He frowned a little as he reconsidered his words. "Nevermind, I meant nothing by it. It's probably better just to enjoy the moment anyvay."

Now it was Erika's turn to frown. She wasn't going to let him shut down on her again. "Alright you, tell me what's wrong. What are you worried about?"

He sighed and shut his eyes, the immediate area around them going dark. "I don't vant to lose anyvone again."

Erika's mouth hung open slightly with a look of concern on her face. What did he mean? Lose whom, a past lover perhaps? Not knowing made her worry deepen. She waited patiently for him to continue, but he still didn't speak, appearing very solemn, almost regretful. She inched closer, nuzzling him gently as she tried to offer him some sort of comfort, to let him know that it was OK to talk. She waited and waited for a response but Adolf remained quiet, lost in his thoughts once again. He had shut down on her again despite her best efforts to keep it from happening. He was never one to just open up right and whatever was bothering him must have been something that had been bothering him for a very long time, and he wasn't the only one with inner demons if that truly was the case. A soft sigh escaped from the GS-4 as she spoke; perhaps if she went first he would open up to her again?

"I've…" she bit her lip. This was going to be hard, but she needed to tell him. Those in love didn't keep secrets from each other. "I've lost some people, and engines that I've cared about. I lost my first love to a human girl… then I used her engine in an attempt to mask the pain, only to find out that he loved me anyway. But by that time, I was being put into storage so we couldn't be together after the fact. I've lost an engine I'd very much looked up to as a mother, the one who brought me home in fact. But…" she took a rather shaky breath, doing her best to maintain her composure. "The one I miss the most… is my sister. We were going so fast and the curve was coming up. I told her we need to slow but she didn't listen and why would she? She had been at it for years and I was still learning... It all happened so fast." Her breath hitched a few times and tears prickled at the corner of her eyes, "I tried... I tried to pull her back but I wasn't strong enough and the coupling broke. I tried, I swear I did. I couldn't save my sister, all I could do was watch her go over the edge... screaming for help... And it's all my fault! We were only late because she was trying to cheer me up. They couldn't save her so they had to... scrap her. Just when we starting to get close, she was taken from me," she took on a more frustrated tone as she knitted her brow. "Everyone told me it wasn't my fault but it was. If I hadn't strung Aaron along, I wouldn't have been so sad when he left and she wouldn't have been late messing with me." By the time she had finished, Erika reduced herself to mechanical mound of tears. Her eyeshadow beginning to run, leaving black streaks as her tears flowed freely down her pale cheeks. She could hear her sister's pleas for help as loud as day, her mind replaying that dreadful night over and over again. "It's all my fault!"

Adolf watched helplessly as she cried the pain on his own features evident. This was the first time he had seen her in such a state and he did not want to see it again. Sadness and tears did not suit her, not one bit. He looked at her for a while, opening his mouth to say something, then closing it. Finally he managed a quiet, "I'm sorry." It was clear he meant it. Rarely was Adolf ever 'sorry', and even more rarely would he actually say it. He pulled forward a bit so their foreheads would touch gently. There was a short silence before he spoke again. "...You are not zhe only vone who has made a mistake." He sighed heavily, "I vas so young.. It vas only a few years after I vas built." He took a moment to think on where he ought to begin. "My first home vas a small town in Germany vhere I vorked pulling freight. Zhere vas anozher tender engine zhere, she vorked as my counterpart pulling coaches. Her name vas Katherine… zhe two of us vere very much like family. Rarely a day goes by zhat I do not miss her…

"It vas cold and icy zhat vinter vhen a fever struck zhe town. Zhe people didn't have vhat zhey needed to properly combat it, so I vas sent to retrieve a shipment of medicine from a neighboring town. Ve vere in such a hurry, and rightfully so- zhat sickness, vhatever it vas... It vas just..." He stopped again, closing his eyes. "I saw vhat it did to zhem. Zhey vould pale and zheir eyes vould sink, all zheir strength would drain and zhey vould just… die. As if it vere sucking the life right out.

"I vas so vorried. I had friends, people whom I loved who vere alright vhen I left. And I vanted to do everything in my power to keep it zhat vay. But on zhe vay back…"

It was so dark and bitterly cold. My lights were just powerful enough to penetrate the thick blackness before me. Were it not for my fire, I would have been frozen by the time we reached the last few miles of our journey. I do not remember how fast I was going, but I remember my crew struggling to slow me down. I knew if I did I might not have gotten there in time. The people were relying on me and I was not going to fail them.

Not long after we entered the home stretch, the blizzard intensified rendering my lights useless. I could not see… anything. Everything merged with everything else. Despite that, I was hopeful. I was almost home without any major setbacks.

"Easy there, Adolf." My driver called out to me as I felt my regulator being pulled back a bit. "We need to get there, but in one piece, ja?" He seemed calm, but I knew he was just as worried as I was, we all were. We all had loved ones who were in need or at risk, and we had lost so many already…

There was a rather tight turn up ahead, but with the weather none of us were sure of when it exactly came. It didn't matter. As soon as I felt myself beginning to turn, the rails beneath me began give way before collapsing altogether. It all happened so fast… all I remember is rolling and rolling and rolling as I was sent down then side. The sounds of my crew's screaming gave way to the sounds of trees snapping, metal bending and creaking… snapping. I could hear the freight vans behind me breaking as I tumbled down, unable to stop, the noises echoing throughout the forest. With each roll, I felt another part of me give and break away. I don't know what stopped me, but just before I did my tender was ripped from my rear coupler. The pain was unbearable. With one last roll I slammed onto my left side with a mighty crash.

And then everything was quiet… hauntingly so. When I came to I didn't hear my crew anymore. All I heard was the wind and whatever steam I had left seeping out of my right cylinder and chimney. I wanted to call out to them but I was in too much pain. I made an attempt to turn on my lights, but in that attempt my left eye began to spark before going out completely with a loud popping sound and the right soon followed, leaving me blind.

As I lie there, in pieces and unable to see, all I could think about was the medicine and those depending on me to bring it. Would help come in time, if at all? I did not know. I was so afraid. Not for myself, but for those who were in need. I was afraid I had failed them. As long as the medicine could get to home in time, it did not matter what became of me.

I must have been there for nearly half a day until the silence was broken by someone calling out to me followed by a few loud, frantic whistles. It was Katharine; I knew her whistle better than I knew my own. They must have sent her out after realizing I hadn't come home on time. I opened my eyes only to be reminded that I was without vision. Though I didn't need to see her to know how upset and worried she was. I could hear men approaching me.

"Adolf…? Adolf! Can you hear me?"

"Careful! He's still hot!"

"Adolf! Adolf, please don't be dead!" Katharine's sobs were heart wrenching to hear and I hated not being able to curb her fears.

I was on my side for days in the freezing cold as I listened to men beginning to salvage whatever they could. I found that I had sustained major damage to my front end connecting rods. I was apparently stopped by a rather large tree which had left a large dent in my dome and boiler. My crew had been ejected from my cab and suffered heavy injuries as well. But the worst part of it all… was that during the crash, at least half of the medicine was lost.

"By zhe time I vas towed back home in pieces, zhe fever had taken a heavy toll on zhe people. So many vere lost... So many lives vere just, taken… And there is novone to blame but me. It vas my fault."

Erika sniffed as she listened. So that was it. That was what had been haunting Adolf all those years and, although their scenarios differed slightly, they both ended in the same result. They had more in common than she had once thought. She couldn't imagine what it had been like to wreck and she hoped she was never lucky enough to experience something so scary. However, she pressed a rather salty but loving kiss to his lips as a gesture of understanding.

"Zhe railvay vas closed, and all of us vere sold off so zhe town could purchase vhat medicine zhey could. I never saw any of my friends again, but it comforts me to think zhey might be somevhere nice…" He was quiet after this, sharing a mutual silence with Erika - a moment to respect the other's sorrows and loss.

"At least you have that." Erika said quietly, "I don't know where my sisters are. Last time I saw Edith or Ella was... 12 or so years ago. Knowing my railway they're probably both gone... But," she smiled a little through her tears, "I have you now… We have each other. I love you and I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

A smile could be seen on his face was well, "Thank you, Erika." There was another silence between the pair before he kissed her, a gesture she willingly returned.

The gray light of early dawn was just lighting up the sky outside when Adolf opened his eyes. It was dark in the shadows within the shed, but he could still make out the figure of Erika close in front of him. Smiling a bit, he closed the space between them and kissed her softly as he returned the early morning gesture she had given him weeks ago. The black Daylight stirred a little, kissing him back before settling again, her forehead pressed against his. Adolf still had a good five or six hours before he had to go anywhere, and Erika's work didn't start for another hour at least, so Adolf, tired and content and so close to his beloved, also went back to sleep. Though it didn't seem like much later when he awoke again to the sound of workmen outside, and was a bit alarmed. How much time had passed? He nudged Erika.

"Erika? Erika, wake up."

He got an irritated groan in response followed by a sleepy, "Shut up, Caitlin," before she settled again.

Adolf frowned in unamusement, "My name is not Caitlin."

Blue eyes opened slightly to meet stern silver; she smiled tiredly at him and gave him a loving nuzzle. "Addie…"

"Guten morgen," he nudged her gently again. "I appreciate your company but you need to go. It's getting late."

Erika's smile faded and she looked at him sadly. "But I want to stay with you."

The black engine sighed, his expression going soft. He could no longer deny the fact that he felt the same and being stern with her wasn't going to work. It never did before and he should have known better. "I know. But if you get in trouble, ve vill get even less time togezher."

"Nothing could keep me away from you, nothing." She stared deeply into his eyes.

Adolf broke their gaze for a moment before looking back at her. "Charlotte could."

"I'm not afraid of her."

"You should be." The two engines looked down to see a workman looking back at them. The man tipped his hat with one gloved hand before returning to his quiet job of tidying up the shed, which has accumulated some junk in need of disposal. Adolf watched the dirty man quietly. He hadn't noticed him come in and consequently wondered how long he'd been there. The man continued, "She's a bitter old crone with a short fuse, better safe than sorry."

Erika chucked dryly. "Sounds like my older sister."

Adolf glanced over at the workman who was just leaving then back at Erika. He smiled at her, "Zhe sooner you go, zhe sooner you can come back. Until zhen, I vill miss you."

"I'll miss you too... mein großer, starker Engine…" she nuzzled him again. He returned the gesture before pulling away, waiting for her to leave. However, Erika decided to push her luck. "Küssen?"

Adolf raised an eyebrow before rolling his eyes, half annoyed. "Frau ärgerlich…" he muttered as he rolled forward and kissed her gently. "Now go avay. You're going to get yourself into trouble."

"Fine…" She managed to get another kiss out of him before backing out of his berth, looking as sad as possible as he grew further and further away. Adolf watched her until she was out of sight, with a quiet sigh he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Though her presence still lingered, he was missing her already…