All the party members are so close, and nosy, at this point; I don't see any way everyone wouldn't know what happened and have something to say about it.

(6) Justinian 28th

"Get out of my house!" I snarl at the pirate. She broke one of my windows, climbed in, and now stands in my bedchamber yelling at me. It's been three days and not nearly long enough since I've seen any of the rest of the group.

"Not a chance!" Isabela snaps back, stabbing a dagger into the arm of my chair. "I want to know what the fuck you think gives you right to treat Hawke like that! After everything she's done for you?! She's not some tramp scum from Darktown! She's the only reason you have anything!"

"Isabela." I growl, my fists tight and my markings bright with anger. She has no idea what she's talking about! I did this because I know Hawke deserves better!

"Oh, don't 'Isabela' me. I have the right to give you hell. Hawke is my best friend, and you destroyed her! She hasn't left her house! Our leader, the energetic, funny one? The only woman in Kirkwall who can match my biting wit? I can't even get her to smile. She won't go drinking with me, or accept the stupid odd jobs she used to love! You did this! You discarded her! And you know what pisses me off the most?!" Isabela pulls the dagger out of the chair and spins it in her palm. "She isn't even mad at you. So, I get to be furious for the both of us. And you get to shut up and take it. Should you decide not to, I'll shove this knife through your crotch. Actually, I might do that anyway."

I frown. No. That can't be. Ugh. Poor Hawke… I didn't intend for any of this to happen… I expected her to… This isn't what I wanted! "Isabela, you don't understand-"

"I understand plenty! You popped her and ditched! It's classic really. Honestly, it was probably bound to happen. I don't know how she lasted this long." She glares at me. "What I didn't expect was for you to be the one to do it. You didn't seem like the type. Plus, what kind of sick bastard plays someone for four years and then pulls that?! You've been, whatever your version of close is, with Hawke for so long; is this a game for you? Did you have fun?!"

"You think I planned this?!" I couldn't fathom treating anyone like that! Much less the woman I love!

Isabela gives her eyes a long dramatic roll. "Come off it! You don't accidently leave someone after banging them! I would know!"

I wring my hands painfully hard, my eyes dropping to the ground. I know that! I realize my timing was horrible and I made everything so much worse… but my memories… I just couldn't… I'm so weak…

"Here I was actually starting to think you cared about her! You yourself know she's not some casual fuck!"

"SHUT UP!" I scream slamming my hands over my ears and squeezing my eyes shut. I would never treat her like that! I didn't want to hurt her! I didn't do any of it on purpose! "I'M SORRY!"

Isabela freezes, shocked. "You what?"

I drop my hands. "I'm sorry. About all of it. I regret every second I don't spend at her side." I clench my teeth and level my gaze at the pirate, challenging her to ridicule me again. "I didn't want to leave her. The thought of her in tears crushes me!"

Her entire demeanor changes, and she furrows her eyebrows. "Then… Why did you run out? What happened?"

I sigh. I don't want to tell anyone about this, but I also I do not want her misunderstanding. "It was a combination of factors. The only one that matters is that I left because she deserves something real; I should be the only person who has to suffer my life."

"You…" Isabela shakes her head. "I said you were a strange man before…"

"It was an accurate statement." I snort. It's surprisingly freeing to talk about this… Ugh.

Chewing on her lip, Isabela thinks for a moment. "So, you're telling me, that none of this brings you pleasure? This wasn't your end game?"

"Of course not! I've gone through enough psychological torment for everyone in Kirkwall! I don't want to see Hawke suffer!" I slam my fist against the backrest of the chair nearest me.

Still not entirely convinced, Isabela crosses her arms. "You didn't just do this to have her first and piss of Anders?"

"No!" I roar, my markings igniting with fury. How dare she bring him into this!

She holds her hands up in defense. "Alright, alright. What then? You feel inferior?"

I take a breath, calming myself before answering. "Hawke should have the chance to be with someone who is good for her. She has wasted enough time on me."

The rogue takes a seat in my chair. "You know you can't make her unlove you. Leaving won't stop her from worrying about you."

Lowering my eyes, I take the adjacent chair. "I am painfully aware. Still, what would you have me do? I'm not fit for a relationship. I would rather her have the option to move on. She should move on."

"I see. I understand where you're coming from now, at least." Isabela pulls a flask out of her cleavage and takes a drink from it before handing it to me. I nod my thanks. "I can't say that I think she will though. Hawke'll be stuck on you. She already was… but now? She can't be shaken easily and now she's had a taste of you. If I had to guess, I'd say she'd die alone before giving up on you returning to her."

I take a long pull from the flask and hand it back to her. "Is it wrong that I find that relieving? Kaffas…" I am so screwed up.

Isabela chuckles. "Not if you're in love with her."

After a moment of my silence her laughter trails off and her eyes widen. "Oh. You're serious. You're in love with her."

"Look, leaving Hawke was the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't just go back and let it have been for nothing. I have to give her the opportunity to move on from me. I'm not good for her." I run a hand through my hair.

"Alright. I suppose you have logic there." Isabela searches for her words. "But promise me, if she still choses you, go back to her. If you don't, it will surely kill the both of you."

That's a good plan… I wouldn't want to stay away forever anyway. This will give me something to work towards in the meantime. And if she moves on… that's what I wanted for her. Looking Isabela in the eye, I nod agreement.

Isabela hops out of my chair, returning her flask to its hiding place. "Good. And, sorry about yelling at you. It was uncalled for; I didn't know."

I wave her away. "Do not apologize for standing up for Hawke. I respect you more for it."

"Thanks." Isabela smiles genuinely as she makes her way out of my room. "Also, about the window, that is my bad." She throws over her shoulder.

That it is. And she's fixing it. I move to my chair. If only everything could be repaired as easily. Replacement would be welcome at this point. Ugh. Why does this have to be so painful for both of us? I would have thought it would have been less difficult considering we spent three years separated… It's just different now. Everything has changed. Not just between the two of us, but in all aspects of my life. It isn't even that I need closure from my past, I just can't tolerate how it was snatched from me again. I can't help but wonder if the reactivation of my memories had something to do with Hawke's magic reacting to the lyrium in my skin… Even if that did cause it, it doesn't matter. I've known Hawke long enough to realize she is not to blame. She would never hurt me. I exhale and rise, wandering downstairs and retrieving a bottle of wine. Not the way I've hurt her. I rip the cork out and down a substantial portion of the bottle as I return to my seat. Kaffas. How is it that to do what is best, you so often have to wound the very person you're trying to protect? Having people in my life is so much more difficult than being alone. I'm terrible at interactions, all the emotions are confusing and most of them are awful, and there never seems to truly be a correct plan of action. When I was on my own, I did what kept me alive and kept the mages dead. It was simple. I take another drink. Now all the lines are fuzzy. I choose to be miserable to give a mage a chance at a better life, yet in doing so I have crushed her. I scrape my fingers along the arm of the chair. I just hope I haven't destroyed her spark… Hawke, I'm so sorry… One day I will understand how to fix this.

After a few hours, a second empty bottle, one that contained some kind of whiskey, rests beside me as I stare up at the ceiling from where I lay sprawled on the stairs. I think… the spider webs are thicker. They have to be… or the spiders died? I squint, but my eyes are not particularly capable of focusing at this point.

I hear my door swing open, but I don't bother to move, I'm too drunk.

"What did you throw out the window this time Broody?" Varric's voice sounds out from a few feet below me on the stairs. "Must have been big to bust out your whole window. I saw it as I walked past and had to ask. Whatever it was is gone now, there wasn't any sign of anything in the street. Aside from glass that is."

The window? I didn't… oh yeah. Trying in vain to raise my head, I manage, "Pirate."

The dwarf skirts me and takes a seat on the step above me. "You threw a pirate out the window?" He raises his eyebrows.

I shake my head. "In… window."

"So, what I'm getting is, you threw a pirate in through the window." Humor fills his voice.

I wrinkle my face. Not getting it… I cup my hands in front of my chest, indicating big boobs.

"Oh! Isabela broke in, huh?" Varric laughs. "Can't say I'm surprised there. She did look pretty irate the last time a saw her."

I nod. "Indeed."

"Did she yell at you over what happened with Hawke?" Varric crosses his arms.

I grimace and cover my face with my hands. Hawke… My shoulders begin to tremble as I fight to push away thoughts of what I've subjected her to.

Varric sighs. "Shit. You're worse off than she is… So much for adding to Isabela's reprimand."

Moving further from the dwarf, I roll onto my side and face away from him.

"Look, I realize that you probably aren't listening to me. And you most likely won't remember anything I say to you. But, this will get better." He exhales, clearly not wanting to say these things, and runs a hand along Bianca. "You're not the only one who gave up the one you love. It hurts like nothing else, but when you see that they're better off, it's worth it. Besides, we can always hope it'll eventually work out. Hell, even if it doesn't, that hope and those days when it did will keep you going." Varric stands to his feet and climbs down the stairs. "I'll leave you to what you were doing." He pulls open the door and pauses again. "And don't drink yourself to death. If you do, it'll kill her, and things will never improve for you."

Those words do a fair job of sobering me up. He's… probably right… When the dwarf is gone, I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and uncover my face as a single tear slides down my cheek.