Doc Martin and all recognizable characters belong to Buffalo Pictures. This is a work of fiction and for entertainment only. No copyright infringement is intended.
This was a hard one to write. Reviews really appreciated.
Chapter 26
On Saturday, while James Henry was taking an afternoon nap, Louisa decided to pop down to the village for a few "bits and pieces" as she liked to say. Martin, rather than working on a clock, decided he would read the letter that Luk had written to Emily. He brought the entire envelope downstairs and found himself reading the letter that Luk wrote to him once more before he started on the letter to Emily.
Chris Parsons had been Martin's friend for quite a while now and Roger Fenn since Martin had come to Portwenn. But this was something new. Would this friendship last or would Luk finally become just Martin's distant vicar, no more than a formal relationship defined by the parameters of medicine and ministry? The kind of relationship that Martin had noticed a lot between pastors and their "flocks." Martin found that he truly hoped not. He hoped that he and Luk could remain friends, close friends, although for the life of him he couldn't understand it. For goodness sake, he wasn't even sure that he believed in God at times! How could that kind of friendship last with a vicar of all people?
Well, he didn't have all day, did he? He would go ahead and read the letter to Emily. "My dearest Emily," it began. "This past year has brought so much joy to both your mum and me. The day that you were born and we first heard you cry, we were overwhelmed. You are the best blessing that God has ever given to us. Your first year has been very special. We moved to Portwenn in Cornwall, England and have been welcomed so warmly in this tiny seaside village. Your caregiver, Anne, has a daughter named Nicole who has become a special friend to you. Your other little friend is James Henry Ellingham, the son of my friend Martin. James Henry stays with Anne also. As I write this letter, we are coming up to your first birthday and all three of you children are holding on, toddling around Anne's cocktail table and playing with blocks and books, kitchen pans and musical instruments. All three of you all seem to love music. Your eyes light up when I play my guitar."
Martin stopped reading for a moment, picturing Luk with Emily in his mind, both of them smiling and baby-talking to each other. He continued to read. "I can never tell you, Emily, just how much I love you. Just how proud I am that you are my daughter. When your mum and I are at home together with you, just reading to you or eating, or singing and playing, I feel as though I will burst sometimes just from the love I feel for both you and your mum. I thank God for you every day of my life and I look forward to watching you as you grow older. My prayer for you is that you grow into a young woman who, most of all, has a deep realization of how much God loves her. I pray that you find people with whom you can share your life who help you on your journey. My hope is that you always remember that I will love you always, no matter what, with a love deeper than any ocean. God grant you peace, Daddy"
Martin put the letter down beside him. He took a deep breath. In his mind he saw himself, coming in to Louisa in the pub the day that James Henry was born, he heard his mother saying that she had wasted forty years - because of him, he saw Luk raising the shell, the light sparkling on the water when James was baptized. And most of all he saw Louisa, lovely Louisa. Her face close to his as he took down her hair before he made love to her on their wedding night. Her beautiful smile that lit up his life. Her hands as she held James' tiny ones in hers. So much feeling, so much anguish, so much love, so much anger. His thoughts continued to wander as he watched his father pointing to the dark cupboard, Aunty Joan walking out in the field with him to watch the water, the bullies at school holding up his wet sheet, Uncle Phil letting him sit on the tractor, Luk and Natalie laughing with him and Louisa at a pub.
So many different feelings falling out of him like the shower over a waterfall - rushing, overwhelming, almost consuming him. Tears stung his eyes and a sob stuck in his throat, but he caught himself before he fell completely into the chasm. What would Louisa say now? Ruth? Luk? They would tell him to figure out what he was feeling. Now that he was so inundated, he thought he knew. He went into the kitchen and looked in a drawer to grab a pen and a piece of paper. He wrote "James Henry" at the top and held his pen over the paper. Then he quickly marked through James' name and wrote "Martin." He put the pen to paper and began to write quickly - "love, warmth, comfort, rage, helplessness, confidence, shame, happiness, admiration, loathing, fear," and last of all, thinking of Louisa he wrote "attraction."
There they were. On paper. All of the feelings that had gone through his mind after he thought through the memories. Martin remembered being held under water once by a boy at school and how good it felt when he came up and took a deep breath. This is how it had been - as if he was free and out from under a heavy burden. He looked down at the list and realized that now he could write his letter to James Henry. Now that he had named many of his own feelings he felt he could more easily write down the ones he felt for his son.
With lighter steps he went into his consulting room and pulled down his watermarked paper.