This is the last angsty chapter that's left in this story, so I hope you enjoy and thank you for all the wonderful feedback!
August 18th 2014. (Killian is 34)
Killian has been taking care of Leo on his own since the beginning, but this time is different. This time is harder, this time it feels impossible to even entertain the notion of getting out of bed, much less to deal with an exuberant fifteen month old that keeps asking about Emma.
"Dada", said fifteen month old says from the edge of the bed and Killian resist the urge to press Emma's pillow to his face and pretend he's not there.
The pillow still smells like Emma and it feels like a vicious kick in the gut every time he inhales, but he doesn't even want to think about the day he won't be able to smell her anymore; he welcomes the torture because the alternative is much worse.
"Dada", Leo repeats and Killian opens his eyes to find his son trying to clamber up on the bed, giving Killian an exasperated look that reminds him so much of Emma that his chest feels too tight, the tiny spark of hope inside him dimming a little bit more.
"Come 'ere, laddie", Killian says, his voice thick with unshed tears as he scoops Leo up and settles him in the crook of his bad arm, tucking the covers around them both.
"No sleep", Leo tells him as soon as Killian closes his eyes, rolling over and perching triumphantly on Killian's chest. "Mama?"
"I don't know where she is, sweetheart", Killian says, and he sounds tired and defeated even to his own ears.
Leo tilts his head to the side with a confused frown, then lies down with his head on Killian's shoulder, hugging his neck and humming under his breath as if he aims to soothe them both.
"We'll be alright", Killian says and kisses the top of his blonde head, absentmindedly rubbing his son's back and wishing he could believe in his own words.
August 30th 2014. (Killian is 34)
The doorbell rings and for a glorious moment Killian thinks it might be Emma coming back, but even before he remembers she had disappeared from the kitchen he can tell it's not her by the shadowy form he sees through the stained-glass of the door.
The disappointment is too great to hide so he gives himself a minute before he opens the door and greets Elsa as pleasantly as he can.
"Emma is still not back?" Elsa asks without preamble, her hands clasped together as if in prayer, and Killian steps aside, inviting her to come in and trying to figure out how to explain what had happened.
Emma had kept putting off saying goodbye to her friends, thinking she would have more time but August is almost over and it's damn time somebody did it for her; it's the last thing Killian wants to do, but he's left with no choice.
As per usual.
"Killian? Are you alright?" Elsa asks once they've settled on the couch, her hand squeezing his arm to get his attention because he's staring out through the window in an attempt to collect his thoughts and find a way to tell Elsa what happened to Emma without falling apart.
"Not really", he says and makes himself meet his wife's best friend's eyes; his sorrow must be written on his face because Elsa presses her hand to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears even as she shakes her head in an attempt to deny what she knows is true. "She's not coming back, Elsa."
"No, she is. She always comes back."
"Not this time, lass", Killian says, then carefully explains what he thinks had happened without revealing that Emma had known this was coming for months.
He couldn't protect her when it mattered, but he can at least make sure that her friends won't be angry with her.
"Are you sure she's gone?" Elsa asks once he's done, tears rolling freely down her cheeks now, her wide eyes begging him to tell her that there's been some kind of mistake.
"I'm sorry", Killian says and looks away because he's afraid her grief will expose his, shatter the barrier he'd built in the past few weeks because he didn't want Leo to catch on the fact that his mother is not coming back and his father doesn't quite know how to live with that.
"Oh God, Leo. He won't even remember her", Elsa says and Killian looks at her sharply, his jaw clenched so tightly that his teeth protest when he tells her that he will make bloody sure that doesn't happen. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean- I'm so sorry."
Emma's best friend is sobbing on his couch and Killian feels awful for snapping at her, but he can't offer her much comfort aside from an awkward side hug she endures for only a minute before Leo runs into the room and launches himself at her legs.
"Sasa", he yells and Elsa hastily wipes her face, greeting Leo with a big smile and gathering him in her lap.
"How are you?"
"Look", Leo ignores Elsa's question and holds up a toy car for her inspection. "Red."
"Do you like red, Leo?"
Killian finds it difficult to watch them like this; their two blonde heads bent together remind him of happier times; the trick tears at his heart, the mirage all wrong because Elsa is not Emma and the idea of her replacing Emma in Leo's heart is too painful to bear.
"Will you watch him? I need fresh air", he says abruptly and doesn't give Elsa time to object, his fingers touching Leo's downy hair before he heads for the hallway where the sight of Emma's red leather jacket nearly undoes him.
The sky is darkening with an impending summer storm but Killian starts walking away from the house nonetheless, shivering in his t-shirt and hunching his shoulders against the cold wind that blows through his hair and whispers in the trees guarding the sidewalks.
He walks quickly, trying to outrun the facts, but it proves to be a futile task.
Tomorrow is the last day of August and Emma did not come back, which means that aside for one brief encounter they will have next month she had told him about, he will never see her again.
The second Killian stops ignoring reality the world around him shifts so that it feels like he's trying to walk on a deck of a ship that's been caught in a storm, and then the sky opens up, rainwater mixing with his tears.
He doesn't stop walking.
The rain stops eventually.
He collapses on some bench and calls Emma's cell phone, listening to the sound of her voice over and over again.
I'm away at the moment, leave a message and I'll call you as soon as I come back.
"Come back, love. Just one more time, please", Killian says and hits redial as soon as the line goes dead.
September 8th 2014. (Killian is 34)
As soon as Emma disappears Leo starts crying, trying to wiggle out of Killian's embrace and attracting the concerned looks of other parents from the park.
Killian carries him away and tries to talk to him, tries to soothe him by rubbing his back and kissing his chubby cheeks, but Leo just wants mama and nothing Killian says or does can calm him down.
Somehow, even as young as he is, he senses that they have lost Emma and he's inconsolable, not even the promise of ice-cream enough to make him stop wailing.
Once they get home Killian heads straight for the bedroom and lies Leo down on the bed that's too big for just the two of them, works off his son's shoes and toes off his own before he lies down next to him.
Leo burrows against his side and gradually his sobs give way to even, soft breathing, and Killian wishes he could cry too and then maybe eventually he would be able to find peace, but he finds that he can't.
His eyes are dry even though his heart is raw, even though he feels like he's living in a dark whole where Leo's presence is the only light he will ever see.
Killian tries to think about the first time he'd seen Emma, tries to focus on the sound of her laughter that still sometimes rings in his head and the way she would roll her eyes when he was being ridiculous, tries to tell himself that he should feel blessed for having the privilege to know her and love her and call her his wife, but he does not.
He wants more time with her.
He wants years upon years, he wants to see her with tears in her eyes when Leo eventually finds the love of his life and she tells him "I do" and he wants to witness Emma's hair slowly turning gray as their grandchildren run around the kitchen table and refuse to sit down for dinner.
Killian wants what he cannot have, and the realization that he had seen the last of Emma hurts more today than it did yesterday because she was just here, he had just held her as her silky hair tickled his skin and her small hand held his with familiar strength.
Leo hugs his father's arm to his chest and sighs contentedly, his bangs falling across his forehead and making him wrinkle his nose in his sleep the way Emma used to do; Killian brushes the strands away and closes his eyes, finding oblivion and only a small measure of peace in his sleep.
September 20th 2014. (Killian is 34)
Killian feels like he's still waiting. He makes Leo breakfast and takes him to the park before lunch, then feeds him and puts him down for an afternoon nap, straightening up a bit while Leo sleeps and watches him play in the yard before dinner; all along it feels like the whole world is holding its breath for something.
It's been six weeks since Emma had disappeared which is double the longest time she'd ever been away, but, as morbid as it is, Killian can't help wondering what had happened to her body; if she's truly dead, why hadn't her body returned to him already?
A shudder slinks down Killian's spine and he grits his teeth because he knows bugger all about the post-mortem behavior of a time-traveler's body, but he's aware of the possibility that death might prevent Emma from traveling one last time, forcing Killian to wait forever; he's not sure that having that tiny glimmer of hope would be such a bad thing.
As Killian reads his son a bedtime story it occurs to him that he would surely know if Emma really was dead; their life is not a fairytale but it is a fantastical story, and in those lovers always sensed the moment the other one dies.
All Killian feels is absence, a hole in his heart where Emma had been, and a void so great he knows nothing and no one will ever fill.
"Daddy", Leo says and tugs on a chain hanging around Killian's neck, pulling him out of his reverie and making him realize he'd stopped reading from the storybook.
"Sorry, little love, but it's long past your bedtime", Killian tells him and lays the book on the bedside table before he gently tugs the chain with Emma's ring out of Leo's hand and tucks him in snugly, smoothing back his hair and giving one kiss goodnight to him and another to his stuffed frog. "Good night."
Leo is already half-asleep but Killian remains kneeling next to his bed until he's sure his lad won't wake up if he moves, then tiptoes out and follows the hallway to the living room where he gets the bottle of rum from the top shelf and sets it on the coffee table.
He doesn't even open it, just stares at it for a while, fighting the demons inside that try to tempt him to take a sip; they might think that someday they will win, but Killian knows for a fact that they won't because he loves Leo too much to let Emma's disappearance turn him into an alcoholic.
"I miss you so much, Swan", Killian whispers and returns the bottle to the shelf, then thinks better of it and pours the contents into the kitchen sink, deciding that it's better to be safe than sorry.
Thunder rumbles ominously in the distance and Killian falls asleep in front of the TV, and when he wakes up a while later he drops his prosthetic on the floor, covers himself with the blanket off the back of the couch and stays right where he is.
The couch might be uncomfortable, but his bed is even worse without Emma in it.
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