Forever yours
By: Emilio Burnfeild
Francis didn't feel his fingers any more and his feet were as numb as they could be. However, he would rather freeze then try to heat up. The constant chills down his spine and the shaking of his torso made it easy to focus on the pains in his limbs instead of the ones in his heart. But, despite how much Francis tried, he couldn't stop seeing the darkness around him. It made his mind wandered back to that eerie street where he found a lost and frightened boy.
Francis bit his inner cheek to gain some control of his emotions. He closed his eyes for a moment and then looked into the twilight. He wanted to see the black and grey wall in front of him but no matter how he tried he always saw Matthew standing there next to the bus stop.
Francis knew what he saw wasn't real. He was emotionally unstable and had been sleepless for almost two days straight and knew what the mind could do in a state of crisis. Yet, he felt the shame wash over him as if Matthew stood there knowing Francis was leaving him. Francis never passed him. Matthew was just always a few feet ahead. Out of reach. Francis wanted the scene to end. He wanted Matthew out of his head. He didn't want to feel the pain of having someone so close, yet so far away.
Matthew's figure faded, but only when Francis eyes had fogged to the point of tears.
"Get a grip." He told himself. "Keep going. Don't look back." He repeated these words in his head like a chant as he felt he could walk no longer. Francis dried his first tear in a haste in an attempt to stop the rest of the flood he knew was just beneath the surface. "It's cool Francis. You are going to find a new home, new friends and a new family and a new-" Francis finally burst when he knew he couldn't replace Matthew.
This wasn't suppose to happen. Not now. Francis had finally found something. Something he wanted to keep. He found something he thought was worth it. And now it was all destroyed. He couldn't keep Matthew. He wanted him to be safe but Francis knew that he would never be. How were they suppose to be together? Why did Francis let himself believe that this would be possible? He was just a big dreamer and could never catch on to reality. His past would haunt him forever and now it had it finally caught up to him. How could he not see that this was how it was suppose to be?
He had to pay for his crimes he didn't deserve to be happy, he knew that. And yet he felt selfish enough to think he could make Matthew his. That sweet innocent pure boy. He was like an angel in Francis hell of constant fear. But no matter at how you look at it, Francis would always be the demon. He would always be bad. No holy water could wash of his sins and shame, he was condemned to be filth with soil for as long as he dared to live.
It hurt. The decision of leaving someone behind had never been so painful in Francis heart. He cried his eyes out, he whimpered, he clenched his jaw and bit his lip, pushed his body further away but it didn't stop hurting.
He didn't regret meeting Matthew, he didn't regret talking to him, defending him, befriending him, he just regretted loving him. Because he had never loved anyone before, not in that way. And he knew now why he shouldn't have.
-x-
"Yes, sir I understand. Yes but-. Yes. No. No he does not." Matthew awoke to the sound of Arthur's voice. He seemed to be talking on his phone. The boy slowly opened his eyes. What time was it? He turned to check his clock but only found his brothers back facing him. Matthew yawned and stretched his legs and blinked his eyes awake. Why was Alfred in his bed?
He sat up and drug his hand over his face. There was something in the back of his mind he couldn't really grasp. Like a weird dream. Matthew then felt his cheek. It was hot and swollen. It hurt as he pushed it around. Why was it there? Then Matthew remembered the fall. He had hit the concrete floor in an apartment building. Francis' apartment. Francis.
The boy felt his chest compress as the memories of yesterday unwrapped in front of him.
"Hold on to me!"
"All you need to know is that you are in danger and I need to get you to safety, Matthew."
"Don't be frightened. I'll protect you."
"I'm sorry I had to drag you in to all of this. And...I'm sorry it had to end this way..."
Matthew grasped his own arm and pinched it. He felt it. It wasn't a dream. This was reality. He couldn't believe it. Matthew felt how his whole body seemed too loose all it's strength. Francis was really gone. He felt his eyes water up in his confusion. His heart lost it's rhythm as the first wave of angst hit him. Matthew didn't know if he was suppose to laugh or cry. This was so bizarre he had a hard time figuring it out.
He raised his hand to his mouth as he felt how he lost control of his breath. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A tear dropped down and Matthew shuddered as the feeling or regret in him grew. He wanted to forget yesterday ever happened.
"Matthew?" Alfred turned around as tears flood Matthew's eyes. The boy's covered his face as his brother rose next to him. "Hey..." Matthew felt a warm hand circling on his back.
"I hate this." Matthew said and sniffed and dried his tears as fast as he could. He turned to Alfred who lowered his brows and gave him a bitter smile.
"How are you feeling?" Alfred sounded calm but at the same time concerned. Matthew sighed and felt a sour feeling set in him. It hurt really bad. He wanted to somehow itch it away but he knew he couldn't. He had to focus on something else.
"I...I don't want to think about it." Then suddenly Matthew recalled why Alfred was in his bed in the first place. The boy felt his face redden a bit and how the embarrassment overtook him for a second. "And...I'm not...gay." Matthew muttered and turned his head away from his brother. Alfred chuckled lightly.
"Whatever you say, Matthew." His tone wasn't ironic but sweet. A silence passed before Arthur was heard again.
"I assure you, sir. Yes. Ta. Bye. Damn it." His feet drummed against the floor outside before the door to the apartment shut.
"Who is he talking to?" Matthew asked and turned to Alfred who placed his feet on the floor and stretched out his back.
"I don't know bro." He was speaking about someone. Francis maybe? The boy felt a tap on his shoulder. Alfred held Matthew's glasses in his hand. "Come on. I'll make us some breakfast."
-x-
"All done!" Alfred said cheerfully and placed the last pancake in the pile. Matthew looked up from his paper ans almost fell of his chair in chock.
"Alfred! How on earth are we going to eat that many?!" The American scanned the massive tower he had built for the last 20 minutes and nodded his head twice as he spoke.
"Maybe I went slightly overboard...Maybe not."
"Oh my god..." Matthew laid down on the table and let out a frustrated sigh. Alfred always did this. No matter what he cooked Alfred always made too much food. "How many times have I told you? You take-"
"Four eggs per person and one per-" Alfred interrupted and swing his wisp as he spoke.
"No!God damn it Alfred how are we suppose to finish all of these?" Matthew never thought he would look at his favourite food with a slight regret. The more he looked the more the pancakes formation seemed to tilt.
"Ah don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." Alfred said as he sat down and started to load pancakes onto his plate.
"You'll get a food-coma that lasts for days." Matthew said as he too started to serve himself.
"Challenge accepted!" Alfred said with a grin and drug the pile to his side of the table.
"No!" Matthew said and couldn't help but smile as Alfred and him both fought to obtain the plate.
"Oh, this is mine." The American said as he pulled harder.
"No way! You'll die if you try to eat this much!" Matthew laughed as Alfred laid back and made four more chins.
"Totally worth it."
"No!" Matthew lost strength in his arms as his laugh overtook him.
"Yolo bro."
"Oh please, Alfred." The boy smiled wide and shook his head in disappointment as Alfred finally won the battle. The American raised his fork and claimed victory with a speech.
"Don't worry my Canadian princess, I, the American and incredibly handsome hero, will save you from this tower of flour filled doom!"
"Ma princesse canadienne."
Matthew's eyes darkened as he felt his stomach twist. He had for a moment actually forgotten about yesterday.
"Oh, was that not funny?" Alfred asked as he noticed his brothers sudden downfall.
"Ah, no Alfred. I'm sorry. You just reminded me of was Francis said." Matthew lowered his gaze as the torment grew in him. He suddenly felt no craving for food any more and just wanted to lay down and wait the emotional wave out.
"He called you princess?" Matthew looked up and saw his brother lay back and squint his eyes. The embarrassment reached the boy's face.
"N-Not all the time! He just did it once...Or twice." Matthew sighed and stared down at the table. Damn, did he really tell Alfred that Francis had called him princess?
"What kind of weird kinks did you guy's have?" Alfred continued as he started to pour syrup on his pancakes.
"No! Jesus Christ. Not in that way. He just teased me with it."
"Tease, huh?" A smirk formed on Alfred's lips.
"No! I said it wasn't like that!" At this point Matthew felt his face turn red. Alfred just nodded once and then took his first bite. The boy reached for the syrup and coated his food in cheer frustration and in need to act casual. Only now did he hear the raging wind outside. Leaves swirled like ash over a fire along the street. The sky was dark and he was surprised it didn't rain.
"Hey." Alfred spoke softly like he didn't want to disturb the silence. "Did you guys ever...you know?" Matthew gained some courage and spoke despite his raised pulse and blushing face.
"What you are suggesting is very inappropriate and irrelevant, Alfred. But no. Not even close." Alfred stopped cutting his food and looked up directly into Matthew's eyes.
"How close did you get?" His innocent curiosity couldn't make Matthew mad, but still he got agitated enough not to answer straight away.
"Why are you asking me this?"
"I just want to know how close you guys were." Alfred's eyes didn't lose contact with Matthew's. The boy knew he wasn't going to stop asking unless he answered so he just thought about it for a second before he replied.
"Well...I never told him that I uhm..." Matthew played with his fork. He couldn't say it. He still couldn't say that he was in love.
"Did you kiss?" Matthew tensed up and saw the image of Francis lips next to his. He felt his body heat up by the thought and it took him a moment before he could respond.
"No. We didn't-"
"Oh my gosh you totally did!"
"N-No! He just...He kissed my forehead okay!" Alfred smiled brightly and clasped his hands together.
"Aww! That's so cute!"
"Shut up." Matthew looked down and started cutting his food.
"It's still a shame though." The American said and leant back in his seat. "You never got to kiss." Matthew looked up again. Alfred eyes had lost focus. He was thinking something, but Matthew didn't know what. His face was expressionless for a moment before he spread his lips a little and continued to eat.
-x-
The small paperplande flew threw the room and made it's way to the hall before it finally crashed to the ground. Matthew sighed and rose from his seat. He had made about twenty attempts to reach the end of the hall by now. The boy did anything to keep his mind busy. He didn't want it to constantly him of yesterday. Matthew bent down and fetched his paper when he noticed the TV on. Alfred must have forgotten to turn it off. The boy went to the living room and sat down in the sofa. He might as well watch when he had nothing better to do.
Comedy Central played reprice of South Park which Matthew had already seen so he switched the channel. National Geographic didn't seem anything to offer aether. Matthew zapped through numbers of different commercials, old soaps and movies before he reached some news.
"It seems as if the storm is going to reach Washington tonight at-"
Matthew filtered out the reporters voice pretty quickly and watched the animations of clouds and swirls on the side of the screen. A storm? When did that happen? Matthew was quite surprised that he hadn't noticed it before now. He was usually always updated on the weather since it determined on how he could travel to school. Apparently there would be snow if the cold allowed the rain to freeze while it reached New York. Matthew smiled faintly to himself. If he was lucky he might be able to create a snowman. After all Christmas wasn't too far away.
"And now to our next topic. The French Lilly, a European street gang who have spread not only to Egypt, Hong Kong but now also the U.S. A shooting was reported last night in New York were luckily few were injured. We turn to our expert-"
Matthew felt his heart skip a beat and how his stomach dropped. His eyes stared at the screen and he felt more sick by the second.
"..They are signified by a tattoo of their trade mark, The French Lilly. This trait is earned when new members by , I quote: sacrificing and committing to their deeds such as assassinations, kidnappings and torturing victims for information."
Matthew felt his head starting to spin. No, this couldn't be what Arthur warned him about. Francis couldn't be part of this.
"...not only, John. But we have a wanted man on the loose which is believed to have information on the gangs activity and locations."
The the characterization of the culprit lit up on the screen. A phantom photo popped up next to it. Long hair, relaxed eyes and that jawline. It was Francis. It could be no other.
"Mattie I-" Alfred stopped in the middle of the room as he saw Matthew's face. He instantly turned to the screen. He fell silent for a moment before he looked back at his brother. "Is that...him?"
"Does it matter?" Matthew muttered and rose from his seat.
"Hey. Don't be like that, Matthew." Alfred said gently and met his brother's eyes.
"Like what?" Matthew only stared back at him feeling the anger fume in him. The American was about to say something but dropped his gaze. The boy left the room but was followed by quick footsteps. "Matthew, I'm sorry I didn't mean to-" Alfred reached out and gapped Matthew's arm.
"Don't touch me!" The boy growled and shook his brother's hand of him.
"Calm down I'm not going to hurt you."
"Leave me alone." Matthew muttered as he turned to his room.
"I just want to talk to you."
The boy spun around and a gritted his teeth as a final attempt to make Alfred get off his case. "I don't want to talk, Alfred!" The American did back off for a moment but then sighed and lowered his gaze.
"I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry for everything I did to wrong you. I know you are upset but please don't close yourself up again. It's scaring the crap out of me."
Matthew scoffed and glared back. It was scaring Alfred? That's why he didn't want to see him mad? Because it made him feel bad? The boy bit his inner cheek to seize his anger but couldn't help his impulses but simply flung his arms up and shoved Alfred back.
"Fuck off." The American responded by grabbing both Matthew's wrist and pinning them to the wall. He then persuaded to have them stay there as Matthew tried to break free."Damn it. Let go!" The boys' eyes met and Alfred was speaking under his breath.
"Matthew, listened to me I understand that this is hard for you but we can fix this-" Matthew clenched his jaw but couldn't hold back any longer. He raised his voice and thrust himself forward only to be held back again.
"You don't understand anything, Alfred! You really think everything is going be okay just because you suddenly decide to care?" Anguish formed on Alfred's face and his grip loosened.
"I always care, Matthew! You are my brother for Christ sake!" Matthew threw his arms down and looked away from his brother.
"Oh shut up! You always tease me and make fun of me! Just because Arthur favourites you doesn't mean you can do whatever you like!" There was painful silence between them before Alfred tried to respond.
"But, Mattie I'm not-"
"We both know he likes you more then me!" Matthew's wrath didn't seize but only became more emotional.
"He does not!"
"Of course he does! Why else would he scold me for everything I do! Why else would he always get into my business all the time and point out every little mistake I do!"
"It's because he does care! He worries for you and want you to be safe and to be healthy and-"
"In what way does separating me from Francis make me any good? He didn't even know that he was a criminal before he forbid me from seeing him. Why did he want me to avoid the person that made me happy?"
"It's because he though he was-" Alfred shut his mouth and took a deep breath. He leant on the wall in front of Matthew before sliding down. He placed his hands on the sides of his head and shook it slowly. "I'm sorry, Matthew. This is all my fault."
"No." Matthew said in a low voice as Alfred's self blaming only intimidated him.
"Yes it is. I'm so so sorry." Alfred's eyes didn't meet Matthew's but simply met the floor.
"Stop. Just stop it okay. There is no way in hell this is your fault." Matthew felt his own pulse quicken as Alfred kept going.
"Yes. Part of it is."
"Don't try to act like a hero, Alfred!" The boy was about to burst out again when he suddenly saw the seriousness in his brother's face. His hands were knitted together in front of him and he spoke slowly.
"Dad thought you were doing drugs and that Francis was your dealer."
"Excuse me?" Alfred tuned and saw the disbelieve in Matthew's face. "Are you fucking serious?"
The American sighed and fiddled with his fingers. "There is a reason. Just hear me out. There is something I haven't told you." His hands started shaking and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself down. Matthew felt aggressive spirit sink as fear grasped him. "The concussion wasn't real."
"What?"
"The concussion I had to be treated for wasn't real, Matthew. I didn't hurt my head." Alfred almost seemed to become angry at himself as he rose up and swore loudly when he couldn't get the words out. "I was at rehab."
"Rehab?" Matthew couldn't believe what Alfred was saying.
"Yes. You know that my grades dropped? I couldn't keep up so I thought...I know it sounds stupid , and I was, but I thought that if I just was able to concentrate and study more it would help but it just got worse. I needed more time. I promise it was suppose to be a one time thing but it just spun out of control. I could be awake for god knows how long. I was able to study for hours on end and it worked."
Alfred looked down at the ground and pressed his lips together, refusing to look at Matthew. "Dad thought you had started doing what I did. He knew your grades where dropping, He knew you stayed out longer. He asked me numerous of times if I knew anything, if I had seen something but there was no proof. When you finally ended up at the hospital he wanted to make sure that you weren't taking anything so he had them doing blood tests on you but you hadn't any traces of it." He paused. Looking at Matthew in the corner of his eye's but then shifted them down to the floor again. "Dad couldn't just drop it because you just kept getting worse and worse. We saw something was wrong but neither him or I knew what. He wanted to know so bad that he tried to drag it out of you, push you till you confessed. But you never told him anything-"
"Alfred, you know I can't believe this." Matthew stood frozen in front of his brother. He thought that this couldn't be true. It was so absurd. Alfred curled his lips for a second but then got back to his melancholy state.
"I know. I wouldn't believe me aether. Then I guess I have to show you what I've hidden." He then put his arms back and drug off his hoodie. He threw it and then tilted the inside of his left arm to Matthew. Alfred didn't say anything but waited for him to react.
"Oh my god..." Matthew fell down to his knees and looked closer only to find the shading on his brother's arm was from numerous brown dots. They were all scars. Needle scars. "Alfred...how..." The boy couldn't get his words out. The whole situation just sunk into him as he watched his brother sit faced away from him.
"I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to know. Especially you. I knew what you thought of dad's drinking. I was sure you'd be really disappointed and start to hate me. But I needed help. I was so close to making my final exam for the year. And well then..."
"You told dad?" Matthew asked softly. Alfred drug his lips back a brief second and turned to him.
"No. I didn't. He found out."
"How?"
"I took an overdose." Matthew's eyes widened as he kept going. "He told me my heart stopped."
The boy leaned against the wall next to Alfred and drug his hair back. This was unbelievable. How on earth could this have happened without Matthew knowing? He should have noticed something, right? Matthew started to wonder how self absorbed he must have been.
"So, you hate me now or?"
"Oh. No, Alfred. Jesus Christ no! Why would I even..." Matthew felt guilty. Did Alfred really think he would hate him? What kind of person did he make out to be? "Did you really think I'd..." Alfred played with his hands and met his eyes.
"I don't know. You tell me."
"Shit. I'm sorry, Alfred."
"It's cool. We all have flaws." He responded and hit Matthew on the knee. "You know. I've got a crazy idea." Alfred chuckled and a grin stretched across his face.
"Huh?"
"We're going to find him."
"What?" Matthew couldn't help but laugh as Alfred giggled uncontrollably.
"We are going to find Francis and you are going to kiss him! Even if it's just a goodbye kiss you are gonna do it!"
"You are mad!" Matthew felt his stomach starting to cramp. Just as sudden as Alfred had lost it his smile disappeared.
"No, but seriously. We're going. Today."
"No, we are not. Why the hell would we?" Alfred pointed his fingertip to the sky and said in the most loud and obnoxious voice.
"One! You want to kiss Francis! Two-"
"I never said-" Matthew cried but was silenced by Alfred's hand.
"You're blushing so that means you want to. Two! I owe him. Three-"
"What?"
"Stop interrupting me! Jesus. Where was I...Oh yea! Three! You are going to be brought in to the police station for interrogation and be held in custody until he is found anyway so- "
"What? How do you know?"
"Dad said something like that on the phone this morning." Matthew shook his head and sighed.
"This is dangerous you know?"
"Yes I know." Alfred responded with confidence.
"I mean if we get caught-"
"We'll say it's my fault."Matthew shook his head and met his brother eyes.
"Alfred, why would you even do any of this?"
"He saved you didn't he? I don't care what he has done. He saved you and that's all that matters." Alfred lips curled. "And besides, I'd never seen such a bright smile on your face as when you talk of him."
"What do you mean by saves..Oh. You were listening." Matthew realized that Arthur and him might not have been so alone last night after all. Alfred nodded and took Matthew's hand in his.
"If bringing you two together can make up the shit that I've caused it's worth it. If you are happy then I'm happy Matthew." The boy almost felt as he was about to cry. His brother was really good by heart.
"Okay, but how do we even find him? Have you thought about that?" Alfred rose from the floor and drug Matthew with him.
"Yea. I've been preparing things all day! All we need to do is trace a call to him and we should get a lead."
"Okay but how do we find him?"
"I take my programming coarse very seriously, Matthew. And I might have downloaded some illegal stuff but I'm not playing by the rules so fuck the police." Alfred grinned and laughed together with his brother.
Ma princesse canadienne: My Canadian princess