Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle.
A/N: Hello everyone. Because easter holidays started today and I (have to go) will be gone to visit my parents, I won't be able to upload anything for the weekend and I just couldn't wait to show you this chapter. Let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except my ideas. Veronice Roth does.
I get better with every simulation I have to go through. It is taxing on the mind and I feel emotionally exhausted after my session but the fear doesn't eat me away afterwards anymore and I am even able to break out of the fear including my father. Maybe because I fought off Al I can now fight Marcus off as well.
We stand together, waiting for Lynn when a breathless Will approaches us.
"It's Al. He jumped." Four words and everything changes. Marlene goes pale and I school my features to not sneer. I never thought I would be able to hate someone so much I don't even feel the slightest sorrow for their death. Maybe I am biased and unfair and cruel but I cannot bring myself to be sad just the slightest bit.
Uriah and Marlene join Will on his way back. I stay behind, not quite sure if I really want to wait for Lynn or just need a moment to myself to calm myself down. He took the coward's way out. I try to find peace within me, to get rid of the girl I am since the attempted rape because I don't really like her all that much. There is a fine line between being indifferent and being cruel and I have the feeling I overstepped that line for quite a few paces.
So I focus on the Al who I met in the first week. The Al that cried at night because there had to be so much fear and regret within him. The Al who told me that he couldn't find it in himself to fight someone until they submitted to unconsciousness. And maybe I can feel sorrow for this boy. Not the boy who tried to rape me and hurt me but the boy who thought he is in love with me, with a girl that he barely knew.
Lynn comes out of the room and looks at me quizzically. I fill her in with as much words as Will used and she just nods. I think Lynn is a really empathetic being. She is all sarcasm, dark humor and crude remarks but deep down she can just feel things other people would miss. And instead of forming a sentence that is hiding her shock and sadness to placate my obvious indifference, she just nods grimly.
While we walk I try to remember how Abnegation treated people committing suicide. There wasn't one in my time there and even if there was I was too often at home or volunteering the crap out of me to know about it.
I think I overheard a conversation once between two old women, dressed in grey, their grey streaked hair up in the usual plain bun. The only thing not plain about them were their faces. I found all the creases and age spots really fascinating and beautiful. It made them so special, portraying their lives, letting them appear to be wise. Their hands were thin and you could see the signs of their work there.
They were speaking quietly behind me while I sorted through the distributions of the other Factions, arranging them according to their size. They talked about a man that both of them knew who committed suicide when they were still young. Apparently the other Abnegation found suicide to be an act of selfishness and because of that it was deeply frowned upon. The ultimate act of selfishness, putting the own life above the others, ending it to no longer help the people who really need help. They said that if you feel so sad and depressed to end your life you haven't tried hard enough to lose yourself in the work for the people around you. I can intellectually understand where they come from. Emotionally I felt bad for the boy finding it necessary to stop existing because there was too much pain and insecurity in him. Of course I held my tongue and kept my opinion to myself. Suddenly the two women weren't wise anymore but too conform to a system that forces people to think like them or not at all.
I follow behind Lynn the whole time because I have no idea where Dauntless holds their memorials. I am slightly surprised to find myself at the chasm. I am disappointed as well. The chasm was the place I would go to shut down my thoughts and be alone at and now I find out that Dauntless mourns – no – celebrates the dead here. I smell alcohol and the chatter even drowns out the rushing water. I get lost in the noise for a moment until I hear one voices that is louder then everything else.
"Shut up!" Eric yells, standing on something to let him overlook the crowd. "Today Albert, an initiate who hasn't even finished the second stage, proved to be really Dauntless." There is cheering and yelling again and all I can do is try not to vomit. How can he say something like that about a person who chose death over life?
"Albert took a step into an adventure not everyone is brave enough for. He walks unknown paths and proves his bravery every step he takes. So let us celebrate Albert, the brave!" I feel bile raise in my throat, my fist shaking next to me. Voices around me intone in different voices, deep and high, slurred and sober his name again and again until it isn't recognizable anymore. I hear the clattering of bottle against bottle, cheers and yells and laughter for a boy who tried to rape a girl and was a coward for choosing dying above living with his guilt. I turn around and leave. I don't want to hear it anymore and no memory of a kind boy making a wrong decision can change that.
I wander around again, try to walk off the energy and emotions I feel. I don't stumble anymore, my body and feet already used to the uneven ground of the tunnels that are like a maze. I wish I could put into words what I want and what I feel. I wish my life wouldn't be so complicated.
I sigh in frustration remember my own advice. Don't dwell on the things you cannot have. Ironically enough it was after a conversation with Al I reminded myself to remember that no wishing or yearning would change what is already in the past. It would just be a waste of time. So I have to adapt to the only life I will ever know.
Maybe it isn't my plan to live a simple life and I unconsciously walk from one disaster into the next because I want to fulfill that plan. Or it is my special kind of luck. Edward, Peter, Al, Eric. It seems all of my problems are rooted in my interaction with males. Oh, and Christina. But she seems to be a one on my catastrophe scale in comparison to all the other things going on. Peter is ranking low at the moment as well and Edward is gone though I sometimes see the scenes in front of my eyes again I am not as bothered anymore. Al is gone as well. I grit my teeth for the moment. Albert the brave – it just doesn't sit right with me that Eric put it that way.
Eric. What to do about Eric. Curiosity. Physical attraction. To be in love with him. A drastic change from everything I thought at the beginning but I don't regret it or wish for it to be different. Being introduced to him and getting to know him the slightest already changed so much for me that I dream about really knowing him and maybe knowing me as well. It's a bit frustrating that I seemingly depend on him. For the moment I gave up on the idea that my feelings for him are just a fleeting thing and accepted that I have to carry the burden of these feelings alone.
Many hours later I find myself at the chasm again not tired enough to go to sleep. Maybe it is against the rules to be out so late all the time but I don't care enough right now to worry about it and I don't think Dauntless is strict when it comes to small things like this. They want us to obey commands, true, but staying out late seems not like the thing I would be kicked out for.
The celebration for Albert finished mostly or was taken to the Pit. I don't think most people even remember his name at this point. They find excuses themselves to forget about their own stress and maybe even pain and losses. They enjoy their time together with friends and family, dancing, drinking, getting lost in the moment. I think I will do the same when I am a member. I know there are enough reasons in my past far away and recent and even now for me to search events and people I can forget with. For a moment I shiver slightly: If initiation is taxing on the mind how is life as a Dauntless? Or is it something else, some things in their past they want to forget? I don't know and will hopefully find out myself because that means I made it.
I stand against the railing of the chasm, the cool metal bars pressing into my hip and lower stomach. The noise of the chasm envelops me, the water again pulling me into a trance. Maybe Albert stood here when he jumped. What was on his mind when he took his last breaths? Guilt? Regret? I shake my head. It doesn't matter. Albert the brave. I scoff. Nothing can be further from the truth.
I hear footsteps behind me and I know a second later who it is. I don't turn around and I don't acknowledge him. I shouldn't be angry for the words he said about Al. No one speaks badly about the dead and he doesn't know what happened before Al took his own life.
I focus my eyes on the water beneath me, the dark waves crashing against the sharp stones, white foam like a crown. But I can't focus too long because I am so aware of him standing behind me, arms probably crossed, face indifferent. I huff in annoyance at my own awareness.
"Nice speech." I hear my voice and I am surprised of the sarcasm dripping from it. It is strained as well and I grit my teeth. At first Eric says nothing and the tension is thick in the air around us. Why, I have no idea.
"It's the protocol." His voice is calm and deep but there is an underlining note of surprise as well. Maybe he doesn't take me for a sarcastic person and I normally am not. I think my tiredness and bitterness are to thank for it. I stay silent and more feel then hear him approach me. His hand lays down on one side of the railing right next to me. The heat of his arm seeping into me even though he is a few centimeters away.
"Why are you here in the middle of the night?" I shrug.
"Couldn't sleep. You know, a friend of mine dying and all."
"I don't believe you and I am tired of your lies." He growls a bit, probably a bit pissed off because I lie right through my teeth for the second time in a short amount of time. His voice sends shivers down my spine and I could just pull my hair out because of this kind of effect on me. Until he appeared out of nowhere I was safe in my bubble. Now I am feeling vulnerable and I don't like it.
I already know how I feel about him. I accepted it and that Jules is right, that I am in deep. But I don't want him to know because it would make my vulnerability for the things he says and does even more dangerous, adding up to my momentary state I think I may break. I frown at my mind getting carried away again with musings about him and my feelings for a moment. Eventually I have to face him I tell myself. And I don't think I can just go like the last time to avoid him and my emotions or his. So I sigh and turn around brushing his arm, my back now to the railing, feeling small drops of water land on it, my arms crossed protectively in front of me.
"Why do you even care?" I say and instead of looking into his damn grey eyes, I look at his broad chest and then to something behind him. I hope he will just let me be so I don't have to lie again, so I don't have to face the tension in the air and not hear what he has to say. Maybe I can't leave but he can and I hope he will without approaching the things that seem to lay between us. I am not angry with him, I think, but with confusion comes lashing out if poked too much.
"I already told you and I am tired of you running away from it and ignoring it as well, Stiff." The way he spits that slang right into my face indignities a fire in me. I scoff at his response.
"I don't know what you are talking about." Out of the corner of my eye I see his hand gripping the railing harder, his knuckles white.
"I think I was wrong." He says and I am slightly taken aback by this response. I look in his general direction and see a fire in his eyes now as well. I don't need to point out that he needs to elaborate for me to understand what he means.
"You are weak. And you are a coward. A weak coward who doesn't want to talk and prefers running away from the things around you." His voice drips with venom and suddenly I am tired of evading him and feel like fighting. I feel daring again, just like the first time I saw him and he challenged us to jump off the damn roof. It's probably a mixture of his words and the events that took place – Al's funeral, initiation, his closeness – everything makes me explode.
"You know nothing, ok. If you want to talk, let's talk. Or even better you explain some things to me because maybe I am too stupid to grasp them." He doesn't back down when my eyes connect with his and I shouldn't have expected it. Maybe he is right and I am the coward? But my thoughts are drowned by the noise of the chasm and the words out of my mouth.
"Explain to me why I can't stop looking at you... or why I know you are in the same room the moment you enter it and I haven't even seen you. Or why I cannot stand to be with you and away from you the same time. Why can't I just stop thinking of you?" I know I sound slightly hysteric now and really desperate because I haven't spoken so Cleary about my feelings for him and the confusion they bring ever before but I don't care. The weight that nearly crushed me lifts with every word I say and I haven't said enough.
"I try to hate what you do to me! I try to ignore that you have this stupid effect on me. I try to put a stop to my hilarious feelings for you but can't deny them and they just don't go away. I hate my weakness and vulnerability around you and I hate even more that you saw it, that you know about it and know how to push my buttons... So, please, if you don't have answers for me or make it better in any way just leave me the fuck alone. I am tired of this shit as well." The last part I growl and I am surprised by my own use of so many swear words in one speech. And I am surprised I don't feel embarrassed or bad about talking to him this way. It just feels right to get it out of my mind. Maybe I can let go now, go on from here with a slightly bruised ego but a new determination in my steps.
But as always he doesn't react the way I thought he would. I thought he would growl at me again, telling me to mind my place here. Or I thought he would smirk at my childish outburst. Or I even expected him to just turn around because nothing I said affects him at all. Instead of all the possibilities he takes a threatening step forward and I press harder into the railing.
The boldness and anger I felt just a minute ago vanish with this one step and I stay pressed against the metal bars not able to properly breath. I look into his eyes then and this time I don't hide. I let him see a part of me that no one except Tobias has seen before. He looks startled for a moment, maybe taken aback by my brutal honesty, my show of vulnerability and I think I win and he will leave me alone repulsed by my words. But his body presses into mine without me realising he closed in on me. We align to another perfectly I notice perplexed but then I stop thinking because he titles my chin forcefully up, looking into my eyes and a second later kisses me and I kiss him back.
His right hand is in my hair, winding his fingers in the loose tresses. The left pressing me into him on the small of my back, away from the cold metal. All I can feel are his burning lips on mine. He isn't gentle or soft and nothing feels like I imagined a first kiss would feel like. But it animates me to go along, giving into him, letting him feel my desperation, anger and cluelessness.
Eric pushes further into me even though there couldn't possibly be any space left between us. His tongue ask – no demands – entrance into my mouth, making it even clearer when he growls in an animalistic way. He explores my mouth when I give in and our teeth are clashing before he calms down a bit, stopping his aggressive assault and continuing a bit slower, a bit more sensual but still with a dominant streak I think no female can withstand. I know I can't. He bites my lip playfully and I moan, feeling a burning sensation in my stomach. I don't know where he starts and I end anymore.
"Tris, I was looking..." The person interrupts herself and Eric breaks away from me. I look up slightly dazed only to be shocked a second later. Christina is standing in front of us, eyes wide, and mouth open.
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