Author's Note: So this is just a major rambling. It's also very AU, I took some creative liscense. I'll try to get something up that makes a little more sense soon. My thoughts are all over the place lately so my writing has been seriously suffering. Please read and review...let me know what you think!
The walls are slightly yellowed and the paint is cracked and peeling. You noticed a crack in the ceiling and for a moment your mind takes you away and you almost feel as if the crack is going to swallow you whole. Your chair is metal and uncomfortable and every time you make a movement it shifts slightly, but you're sitting in this circle with all these unfamiliar (so so so familiar) faces surrounding you. Your hands are shaking, but at the same time you feel more comfortable here than you've felt in such a long, long, long time and that thought scares you. A man is talking, whose name you can't remember even though he just said it not even two minutes ago, and you're drinking up every word he says because you know the words of these people could very possibly save your life. Suddenly before you even realize it the person next to you is finishing talking and its your turn and God, you're terrified, but you feel like if you don't speak you might as well just die, die die.
You close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath and suddenly your lips are moving and words are coming out and you're so very surprised (not really surprised) at what it is you're saying.
"I'm Rory and I'm an alcoholic."
And suddenly you're looking up and looking into the faces of those around you scrutinizing their eyes for the judgement you're sure will come, but it isn't there and you think how incredible that is, and then you see him. He's just walked into the room and he's stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of you, but only for a moment (for forever) and then he's grabbing a chair from against the wall and dragging it to the circle and sitting down. And you realize that everyone's eyes are still on you and you still haven't said anything after your name because all you can do is stare at chocolate eyes and messy black hair. And you're scared again, because it's him, it's Jess, and if there was anyone in the entire world you wouldn't want to see right now it would be him. But you also know that the words you want to speak are choking you and slowly killing you and if you don't get them out now you possibly never will. You feel your hands begin to shake again and in an effort to still them you slide them beneath you and sit on them. And before you know it you're talking and words are spilling from your lips and it's all coming out in a down pour of emotion and pent up words that you've never been able to say before.
You're talking about how you started drinking the summer after high school graduation and it was only now and then, at first, and then slowly it progressed into a daily habit. You talk about how you had to keep it hidden from everyone and you only drank when you were alone because the perfect facade of Rory Gilmore had to be upheld. You say your mother always held you on a pedestal and so did everyone else you've ever known. You were always perfect, princess Rory, with straight A's and you never did anything wrong. You were sweet and caring and never, never, never allowed to make your own mistakes. Any mistakes you did make were quickly blamed on someone else and everyone in your life has always treated you as if you were breakable, fragile. You're so, so, so tired of being treated breakable. You're human and you make mistakes and you want to be treated like everyone else.
You're rambling and you know it, but the words just keep on coming and the faces surrounding you are understand and chocolate eyes are staring at you intently, but gaurded (always gaurded). A tear slipping down your cheek as you say you've been sober for three months now and you've only been going to counseling and you didn't even know about anything called Alcoholics Anonymous because why would anyone ever tell the girl who never makes mistakes about something like that? You came across a pamphlet at your psychiatrist's office and suddenly you knew that's where you needed to be because the last three months have been the hardest, most hellish months you've ever been through filled with shaking and sweats and sleepless nights. And you're so tired, tired, tired of the bottle always being only inches away and tired of fighting it and tired of not having anyone there to understand.
You pass and since you were the last one to talk, it's Jess' turn now and you're afraid of what he's going to say. You're afraid that he's going to call you out and tell all these people (people that for the first time in your life are accepting of the person you truly are) that you don't belong here. Instead he starts to tell his story and you think maybe you always knew that he had a problem. You remember morning kisses that tasted slightly of stale whiskey and ciggarettes and you remember a night of begging to run away together (no, no, no...yes, yes, yes). He's talking about a girl that he'd been trying to escape from and never knowing when people really cared and you realize he's talking about you and he's talking about Luke and a part of your heart breaks, because for first time in your life you know exactly how he feels and you never, never, never wanted that for him. He's done talking now and the meeting is over and you're even more terrified because now you'll have to face him (reallly face him for the first time) and you aren't entirely sure you're ready for that. You don't think you're ever really ready for Jess, because it's Jess and deep in your heart you still love him (will always love him).
He doesn't say a word as he walks over to you, just spreads his arms wide and suddenly you're falling into him and your tears are soaking his shirt and he's holding you so close. His embrace is rough and filled with so much need you think you just might break, but he isn't treating you like you're breakable and he's telling you that you can get through this. He's telling you that if he could get through it, then by God so can you because you've always, always, always been the strong one. He's telling you that he knows you're feeling weak right now and he'll be strong for you if you let him and he'll never ever leave you again.
You think maybe you've finally found your home.
You've finally found your salvation.