I've sincerely dreaded this chapter ever since I started writing this story. It's taken me a while to prepare myself for this, but now I'm ready. This chapter depicts Loki and Erwin's POV of the fall of Wall Maria, where the manga begins. This will include loss of life, graphic depictions of the dead and much more. If you're sensitive to this sort of thing, tread cautiously.
Loki: 30
Erwin: 35
They knew it would happen someday, just...not in their lifetime. The Titans broke through the wall only hours after the Survey Corps returned from another failed mission. The day had started off so normal too. Loki had gotten Narfi and Vali up early that morning so she could say goodbye and so Lovino's bitch of a mother wouldn't sneak up on her while she was sleeping and start another rant. She was under orders to attend an inquiry in Erwin's stead while he and Shadis attempted another run with the rest of the troops.
Now that Loki was racing out past Wall Rose, past weeping and shell-shocked civilians in an attempt to rescue her children, she knew she never should've left them that morning. She should've just made Haji go and stayed at home with the girls. Maybe then she'd know they were okay. She dug her heels into her horse's flanks as Hanji rode alongside her.
"Leggo 'ali!" Narfi shrieked in outrage.
Loki jumped in her skin as she was readying her horse. She was to make an appearance in Trost for a military hearing and was bringing her subordinate Hanji along with her. Loki could hear her daughters screaming and sighed as she headed back into the house. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good. Those two were always bickering and at each other's throats ever since Narfi learned to walk. Loki walked inside just in time to see Vali dragging Narfi by the ankles out of the hall and into the living area.
"I'll let go when you tell me where you hid it!" Vali snarled.
And where the hell was Lovino's mother? She was supposed to be watching them while she was gone and Lovi was on patrol. Her question was answered when she walked into hers and Lovi's room, where that hag liked to spend most of her time snooping. She was checking the sheets for sex stains. Of course she was. God, why did it have to be her? She'd rather have a Hanji or Levi watching them, and that was saying a lot. Especially after what happened last time.
"I din' hide it! Momma! Vali's being mean!"
Loki rolled her eyes and headed back into the living area where her children were fighting. She walked in and stood with her hands on her hips and her eyes glaring daggers, and Vali instantly let go, blanching as she eyed her mother. Narfi looked in Loki's general direction, her unseeing milky eyes staring straight ahead. "'Ali's tryin' ta kill me, momma!" she yelled.
"I am not! Quit being such a baby!"
"Shut up, both of you!" Loki snapped. "Now, tell me what utter nonsense you two are going on about this time."
Vali pointed at Narfi. "She stole my journal!"
Loki paused and looked towards Narfi, who was walking towards her until she bumped Loki's leg with her hand and latched onto the fabric of her trousers tightly.
"Narfi...did you take it?" she asked warningly.
"No! I tole her Eren hid it wen he came over yesserday! She won' listen cuz she likes him!"
"Do you know where he hid it?" Loki asked, eyebrow raised.
"Under you and daddy's bed."
Loki looked expectantly at Vali and watched as she ran off to look. Several minutes later, she came in with the journal clutched to her chest. Her lip was quivering, so Loki knelt down to put a hand on her shoulder. "Is that it, Valentina?"
"Yeah."
"I tole you!"
"Narfi, I didn't ask you," Loki snapped angrily. "Now both of you apologize. Now."
"Sorry 'ali."
"Why do I have to apologize?!" Vali snapped.
"Vali, you were dragging your sister across the floor when you know she can't defend herself like you can. Do you want me to whoop your ass again?"
"No," Valentina pouted.
"Apologize to her."
"Sorry, Narfi."
"That's more like it. Now, momma is going to be gone for the day," she said, pulling Vali in for a hug and kiss. "Daddy will be home tonight, and I'll be home by the time Vali gets back from school tomorrow," she explained, giving Narfi the same affection.
"I don' like it when Nanna watches us," Narfi pouted. "She says mean things 'bout you and the house, and she says I'm a Bambino."
Yes! Finally, a family member that agrees! "It'll only be a little while, Narfi. Just do your best to deal with it. Like mommy does except with less bad words."
"Okay."
"Bye, momma," Vali said, taking Narfi's hand to guide her outside to the barn where Loki had walked to mount her horse.
"Bye bye! I miss you!"
Loki untied Dipshit and lifted herself up onto the saddle before slowly backing him out. "Momma will miss you too. I'll bring you both a gift to make this up to you. Bye."
Loki dug her legs into her horse's flanks as they neared where Wall Maria had been run through, quite literally according to witnesses who said something about an "Armored Titan". A grimace was permanently painted across her face ever since someone told her of what happened. She'd abandoned Hanji and the rest of the Corps at a nearby outpost where they were still trying to evacuate civilians. Loki had no time to save strangers though. She could care less. She had to get to her family. Teeth grit, Loki screamed at her horse and jerked his reins to the right. She could see rooftops just ahead, the destroyed wall just behind them.
A shadow fell over her from the left, and she felt her horse starting to slow as it spotted the 12 meter class Titan, watching them in an eerily calm manor with a curious look in its eyes. Loki swore. She didn't have time for this bullshit. She needed to find Narfi and Vali...or at least make sure they weren't dead. She jerked the reins to the side and forced her horse between the things legs, slicing where the Achilles tendon met the calf muscle. Thank God, it was a slow one. She felt the ground shake as it fell and pushed her horse on.
As they neared the rooftops, Loki fired the 3DM wires to her right where they embedded in the siding of a pub. As the wires jerked her from her horse, she looked around desperately. The place was pretty much abandoned. Everyone was either gone…or dead. That thought left a cold, unpleasant feeling in the pit of Loki's gut. She started pumping her legs at a full run as she darted across the roofs of houses and businesses, trying to conserve fuel. As she lunged from roof to roof, she didn't even bother loking to make sure there were no Titans nearby. Her eyes were locked on where the house was.
As she got closer, she noticed part of the house was buried by a piece of the gate. She could see the wall emblem in amongst the debris and settling dust. Oh God. Loki tucked and rolled to the ground and just...stared. It didn't seem possible that just a few hours before, she'd been right here saying goodbye to her girls. Everything was…in chaos. There was no other way to say it.
She felt her feet shuffle along as they carried her closer. She noticed the girls' pet cat hiding away under a piece of the roof. It hissed as she passed it, heading for the stable. That's when she saw several large splotches of blood. A limp head of red hair was in amongst the hay. Loki was drawn towards it and felt her gorge rise as she got close. Lovino was sprawled in the blood-soaked mess of horse shit and hay, his eyes open in wide eyed terror. His foot was up by his ear, and his arms were at awkward angles. His other leg was gone, bitten off. His gear had been used, his blades soaked in gore and dented with use. In her shocked state, Loki checked for a pulse.
Nothing.
At least he was trying to protect their family when he died. Loki continued into the house slowly, looking for her children. She froze as she neared the collapsed portion of the house. A small, olive skinned hand was sticking out from beneath the rubble, clutching a bloody journal tightly. Loki's eyes widened in disbelief as she shot forward and started ripping debris away. It was Vali. Her eyes were open and unblinking. Tear trails were blatant on her dust covered skin as tacky blood oozed from her nose. Loki sobbed and pulled her out of the debris, pulling her into her arms and cradling her to her chest. Her chest heaved as she screamed and sobbed into her child's hair, begging her to wake up. She didn't answer. She begged herself to wake up, begged any deity out there to make this all go away. Of course, no one listened.
"Vali, god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she sobbed into her chest with a loud scream. "Why?! Why couldn't it be anyone else?!" she screamed at the sky. "Why did you take her from me?!"
She heard something thump and noticed Vali's journal on the ground. Carefully, she opened it and flipped to the last page. She couldn't read anything, but the ink looked fairly fresh. The handwriting at first was normal:
"We heard a big boom. Then a bunch of screaming. Daddy told us to stay inside until he could find out what was happening. I can hear screaming from here. Daddy is back. He said to pack a bag. He said they barred the gate, but it won't last. I can feel the ground shaking. It sounds like a billion drums under my feet. Narfi is scared. She went to hide."
There is a splatter of ink and then a drop or two of blood, and then more words. This time the handwriting it shaky and hardly looks like her daughter's. She couldn't understand any of it, but she could see the desperation and fear in the way it was written.
"I'm stuck. It hurts bad. I can hear Narfi crying and daddy screaming. I'm scared. I want momma. They're coming."
Loki understood just enough to understand what had happened. Her daughter died, scared and alone, wanting her. Lovino had been an idiot and hadn't taken the girls out immediately. Now all of them were probably dead. If she'd been home, she could've gotten them out…gotten them somewhere safe. But she left, and now, because of that, she was holding her dead baby.
"M-Mo...mma."
Loki's eyes shot open. Narfi...Narfi was alive. She could still save one of them! Carefully, she laid Vali down and ran for the voice. She was further back in the debris. The sound was coming from where her room used to be. Loki found her daughter under her collapsed bed, her tiny body pinned at her stomach. She could see the slow ooze of blood that continued to grow, and she realized her baby girl wasn't going to make it. She was pinned, the bed likely holding her insides together. She felt the blood drain from her face as she collapsed to her knees, eyes wide and unbelieving. She was watching her four year old bleed out before her very eyes.
She sniffled quietly and touched Narfi's cheek gently, struggling to speak through the tears and emotion choking her like a fucking noose. "H-Hi, Narfi."
"M-Momma? Is that you?" she asked wheezily.
"Yeah," she whispered shakily. "Yeah, sweetie. It's me."
Her daughter looked in her direction in a calm manner. "I…can't feel anything. Am I gonna die?"
A sob ripped through her chest. Why did her daughter even have to come up with such an accurate conclusion? Why couldn't she just ask about why she was home early or whether she'd let Narfi help make dinner? Why did her three year old have to ask…if she was going to die? Three year olds weren't supposed to have to ask that sort of thing! "I-It looks that way, baby."
She frowned. "Is Vali dead? And daddy?"
"Yeah," Loki said through her tears as she bowed her head as if in prayer. "They're gone."
"Y-You'll be alone?"
Loki didn't answer. Didn't want to answer. Why was she so okay with this?! Why wasn't she screaming and fighting for life?! Why did she look so much like Erwin did when he was resigned to something?! This was a three year old girl! Why, in her last moments, did she look so much older? She sobbed and gingerly laid down next to Narfi, burying her face in her messy blonde hair as she tucked her baby against her.
"I'm sleepy, momma."
"I know, baby. Just close your eyes and rest. I'll be right here."
"Promise?"
"Yeah, I promise."
She felt Narfi nuzzle her neck, and she could hear her wheezing as she quietly sobbed into her daughter's hair. This wasn't fair! She wasn't supposed to have to see her babies die! That's not how it was supposed to work!
"Will you sing me something?"
"Sure, baby. What do you want me to sing?"
"Stay awake."
Loki sobbed as she stared to sing softly into her daughter's hair. "Stay awake, don't rest your head. Don't lie down upon your bed. While the moon drifts in the skies, stay awake, don't close your eyes." Loki could hear Narfi's wheezing breaths started to slow down, and Narfi began to get heavier. Loki hugged her baby tighter, trying not to remember holding her when she was so much smaller, when she'd open those big eyes while she nursed as Loki hummed. "Though the world is fast asleep, though your pillow's soft and deep, you're not sleepy as you seem. Stay awake, don't nod and dream…stay awake, don't nod and dream."
Somehow, Loki managed to curl herself around her daughter, heard her last, peaceful breath as her muscles fully relaxed. After too long without hearing or feeling anything, Loki sobbed loudly, screaming and cursing everything about this world and herself. She didn't know how much time passed as she sobbed and cradled her baby in her arms. It could've been only moments, or days or hours. Loki wanted nothing more than to die here with her daughters. There was no point in living anymore. Not without them. Before them, her life had been so empty and without light. Now, she found herself enveloped in darkness once again.
Then she heard something. Was that...that was a scream for help. For a while, Loki refused to get up. Why should someone else get to live while her children died? But…Narfi and Vali wouldn't want her to think like that. Wiping her eyes, Loki slowly laid her daughter down and stood. Reluctantly, she left the house to find her horse there waiting outside.
Loki steeled herself and jumped on the horse, steering him in the direction of the screams. As she weaved her way onto the main road, she saw a small child, likely no older than…no! Not here! The girl was running from a small Titan, and Loki shut down her mind. She wasn't alive anymore. She was already dead and cold. She felt nothing. Growling under her breath, she kicked her horse into high gear and started weaving through the bodies and debris. The Titan was gaining on the child. Loki grinned darkly and stood in her saddle. She pushed her horse forward and jumped, using the gear to swing herself up to its shoulder until she could reach the neck. She put every ounce of her rage into that cut, felt her blades connect with something odd as she ripped through the flesh like it was hot butter. As the Titan began to collapse, Loki shot off its back and caught the child around her waist, making her scream. Loki shot herself skyward until she was lined up with the horse. Once he was under her, she released the wires and grimaced as she dropped uncomfortably into the saddle, feeling her hip shift and pop audibly.
"Hold on!"
As quickly as the multitudes flooding into the walls of Trost, the news of the fall of Wall Maria had spread. The heightened fear of the Titans was as expected as the influx of bodies to feed and house. Resources were slim even when they still had the lands now lost to them because of a three year drought. Now these people had nowhere to go and no one to take them in. He could only hope Loki had made it inside. In all the commotion during their hasty retreat, he'd lost track of her and hadn't yet been able to take time to check the returning roster.
Suddenly, the door to his new office began to rattle. His eyes shot up in time to catch sight of a familiar mane of reddish brown. She was covered in sweat and muck and blood, and her eyes looked distant and haunted. He didn't like seeing her with that look. She looked dead to the world as she quietly shut and locked the door behind her, sitting down like nothing was the matter. He noticed she wouldn't make eye contact. Wouldn't speak either.
"Loki?" he asked cautiously.
"They're dead."
Erwin's heart stopped, and the paper in his hands fluttered to his desk. "What?" Surely he just hadn't heard her correctly. There was no way…
"Narfi. Vali. Lovino. All of them are dead."
"How do you-"
She slammed her fist down on the wood and stood, her eyes suddenly feral and filled with unshed tears that were slowly overflowing. "Because I saw them damn it! I saw Vali crushed under debris! I saw Lovino mangled outside the fucking house! I held Narfi as she died pinned under her fucking bed! I sang to her until the last fucking breath. I fucking held-" she sobbed.
Erwin, at some point, stood up, shoving his chair back until it toppled over. She lunged forward, screaming at him and beating his chest with her fists. All he could do was let her as he struggled to wrap his mind around what he just heard. His niece and daughter...both of them were dead. His world stopped, honed in on this one moment as he absorbed the information she'd thrown at him. Tears swarmed his vision as his world crumbled around him. He wrapped his arms around her then, pinning her to his chest as she strug. He sank down to the floor with her sobbing and screaming in his arms while he fought back emotions of his own.
He pulled her head into his chest so she couldn't see it when he was unable to hold it in any longer. He was quiet as he cinched his eyes shut, letting streaks of silent tears drip into her hair. He shuddered softly as he remembered the births of bouth the beautiful little girls he considered his own. He remembered when Lovino put Vali in his arms for the first time. He remembered when she walked to him instead of Loki in the training yard. He remembered the way those eyes would light up when she saw him. He'd never get to see that again. Then he remembered his little Narfi. The way he taught her to walk with a guide stick, the way she'd smile when he told her stories…how tiny her newborn body was curled up on his chest.
They remained there, crying together long after the candles had run out of wax. After a while, Loki began to calm, and Erwin's own tears began to stop coming. It seemed wrong that he could become so numb so quickly. He felt guilty that already, his mind was struggling to find a new way to survive without the things he loved. He begrudgingly reminded himself that he always knew this was a possibility It didn't make it any easier though.
"They're really dead," she whimpered quietly, lying motionless in his arms, having long since stopped her wailing.
"I know," he choked out as he kissed the top of her head. "I don't want to believe it any more than you."
"I want to be dead too."
"I know. We'll...we'll get through this."
"How do you know?" she asked despondently. "How can you be so sure?"
"We don't have a choice."
This was rough to write. The song was "Stay Awake" from the Disney musical Mary Poppins. The mystery girl will be playing a bigger part in this story, so keep your eyes peeled in amongst all the tears.