A/N: I'm so grateful for everyone who's reading and reviewing. You have no idea how much it motivates me to keep going. So, for those of you who are also reading my other work in progress (The Climbing Way), you know I posted a ball of angst earlier tonight. There's some relief here in this chapter of When I Grow Up, at least. Finally, I've received some reviews in Spanish, so here's a message for my Spanish-speaking readers. I wish I were bilingual, but for now, I have to depend on internet translator bots:
¡Gracias por escribir! Cuando traduzco sus comentarios, aprendo algo de español!
there's a blaze of light in every word, it doesn't matter which you heard
Mark gives her space in the morning to recover, to decompress, and she drinks coffee in solitude while her boys burn off energy on the hotel's green roof. And then he makes himself scarce so she can cuddle Max, drinking in his sweetness and his innocence. As she has been so many times, she's grateful that Mark knows her well enough to know exactly what she needs.
She puts everything else aside then because it's Thursday. The day of Derek's hearing: she swallows hard when she thinks about it. He has to get his license back. He has to, and then her father will leave town and the tornado her parents blow into her life every time will have been worth it.
They pack for the hospital as they have been each day here, their new routine. Mark takes her aside briefly before they leave the hotel, while Max is occupied on the floor of his room attempting to select which dinosaurs will accompany him to Seattle Grace today.
"Tell me you're okay waiting until we're back in New York to talk to someone," he says quietly, "and I'll believe you. Otherwise we'll find someone here. But I need to know."
His blue eyes search hers. She lifts a hand to his cheek, enjoying the feel of his stubble. "I'm okay, Mark. Really."
He kisses her.
"Hey, buddy, that's too many," he says over her shoulder as they pull apart, and Addison turns around to see a beaming Max holding a bulging armful of what looks like at least fifty rubber dinosaurs.
Once Max has whittled down his dinosaur army, he consents to travel to the hospital with them.
Addison is aching to see Annabel, and in another indication of how well he knows her, Mark offers to take Max to the playroom so she can see Annabel alone first.
"Can I see Bel too?"
"You sure can. But a little later, okay?" Mark ruffles his son's hair.
Addison can't resist squeezing him one last time before sending him off with Mark. Her baby, their good luck charm, the child they dragged across the country so their family could stay together. He looks remarkably unscathed – thankfully – his blue eyes bright, his expression cheerful, his sandy hair sticking up in the back where his father mussed it.
"I love you," she tells him, even though it doesn't feel like enough.
..
"Hey, sweetheart, how about a little walk?"
Her other baby - her taller, older, almost-seven-year-old-baby - agrees immediately, and Addison is pleased to see she can already cover more distance with less exhaustion than yesterday. They pause for a break as they re-enter Annabel's room. They really did a good job with this wing; Addison is pleased with the welcoming, homey furniture and the combination of soft and bright colors, all child-friendly.
She sits down on the comfortable loveseat-sized chair by the window and lifts Annabel carefully into her lap.
"Is that okay?"
Annabel nods, leaning against her. She smells clean, like baby powder, and she's cozy in the fluffy robe they brought her.
"Daddy and I missed you last night," Addison says, stroking her soft dark hair. "But you were okay here, right?"
"Yeah, I was good. Dr. Girl-Shepherd slept over."
"She did?" The rolling cot on the other side of the room already looks freshly made again; Addison hadn't realized.
"Uh-huh. And she read to me and stuff. She's does all the voices and everything."
Addison feels tears pricking her eyes. These two weeks in Seattle have shown her the very best of people she thought were gone from her life forever.
"I'm so glad, Bel."
"Mommy … am I really going out of here tomorrow?"
Addison glances down at her. They've been purposefully avoiding telling her exactly when her discharge would happen, not wanting her to count on a particular day and get upset if it had to be postponed.
"I hope you can leave the hospital tomorrow, sweetheart, but we're going to have to see what your doctors say in the morning."
Annabel nods against her.
Addison plays gently with the collar of Annabel's robe, keeping her tone casual. "Did someone tell you that you were going home tomorrow, Bel?"
"I heard people talking when they thought I was asleep."
Addison's more concerned with what she might have overheard than who said it. "Did they say anything else?"
Annabel reaches up to touch her mother's necklace. It's a series of gold links, a piece Mark gave her years ago. Addison waits patiently while her daughter's small hand plays with the jewelry, prompting her gently after long moments pass.
"Bel?"
"No," Annabel says, her small hand playing with the jewelry much as she used to when she was small. "No, they didn't."
Addison files her hesitation away to explore later.
"I wanted to get here in time for breakfast, baby. I'm sorry I missed it."
"It's okay." Annabel releases her necklace and smiles up at her mother. "Dr. Grey had breakfast with me."
"She did?" Once again Addison finds herself blinking back tears. Her tear ducts are a bit out of whack from the events of last night, perhaps. But Derek's medical career is on the line today. Even taking the time to examine Annabel when she has a team of residents is impressive; spending extra time with her daughter was above and beyond.
"Yeah. She's nice. But I don't think she likes eggs very much."
"Why's that?"
"'cause when I took the thing off," her little fingers mimic removing the dome top of a hospital bowl, "she went like this." Annabel presses her hand to her mouth and widens her eyes. "Then she ran out there." She points to the door.
Tired and nauseated, then. Addison's heart flutters.
"But she was okay," Annabel says, maybe mistaking Addison's silence for worry. "She came back and she was funny and played Go Fish with me."
"That sounds really fun, sweetie. Dr. Grey is pretty terrific, huh?"
"Yeah." Annabel lounges against her mother. "I'm kind of tired."
"Close your eyes, Bel." She kisses her daughter's head, feeling the warm weight of her little body increase on her lap the way it always does as her children transition to sleep.
She strokes Annabel's hair steadily, purposefully, her mind spinning.
They couldn't conceive, wasn't that what Meredith said? Then again, she also said they'd only done one round of IVF. And she'd declined a second round. Without knowing her numbers she can't speculate on probability, and the last thing she wants to do is add stress to Meredith's day. Or to Derek's. And she knows it was, understandably, a sensitive point between them.
Just like she knows that she hurt Derek, years ago, when she wasn't ready to try. Not the first time he asked. Not the fourth. Eventually he stopped asking, but the damage was done. She was defensive, and he was resentful.
"Addison." All three syllables are resonant with exasperation; he's been saying her name that way a lot lately. He follows her into the living room, but not before pouring a scotch. "All I said was that Lizzie is pregnant again."
"Yeah." She sits on the couch and folds her legs underneath her. "But you said it with a pause."
"A pause?" He shakes his head. "Come on, Addie, I already have to answer for everything I say. Now you're going to nag me about what I don't say, too?"
"I'm not nagging!"
"Fine, you're not nagging." He holds his free hand up in surrender, his tone mild. "You want a drink?"
"Yes, please."
He brings her a scotch and she takes it even though she would have preferred gin. He kisses her cheek after she drains the glass.
"Can we start over?"
She studies her hands for a moment. That's a complicated question. "Derek … not everyone is cut out for kids."
He glances at her, looking like he's preparing himself for battle and none too happy about it. "We don't need to have this conversation now, Addie. It's been a long-"
"Bad parents screw their kids up," she cuts in, her voice shaking a little.
"You wouldn't be a bad parent." He sounds surprised. "Come on, Addison, you're fantastic with kids. All my sisters' kids prefer you to me."
"Well, that's because they're smart," she says, and smiles when he nudges her shoulder with his, pretending to be offended.
"Look, Addie, you're a completely different person from your parents."
"Maybe." She blinks back tears. "But I'm still screwed up."
"You're only a little screwed up." He says it affectionately, removing the empty glass from her hand and pulling her onto his lap. "And mostly in a good way."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he says, and she kisses him, seeing the intent in his eyes and laughing a little. She slides off his lap onto the couch and he settles on top of her. She closes her eyes, pushing thoughts of their discussion to the back of her mind. It tends to make them fight, and this – well, this is much better than fighting. She sits halfway up to strip off her sweater, then pulls him back on top her for more.
"Derek," she pushes on his shoulders when she feels him fumbling with his belt. "Condom."
"It's okay." He runs his hand along her side, dipping from waist to hip, kissing her throat.
"Derek, come on." She hears the metallic movement of his zipper and tugs on his sleeve to get his attention again.
He glances down at her. "Let's just chance it."
"Are you kidding me?" She pushes hard on his chest this time. "You know I can't be on the pill right now-" she's been dealing with migraines for the last few months – "so you need to wear a condom. It's not negotiable."
"Of course not," he says bitterly, pushing himself off her and onto his side next to her on the oversized couch. "Why should anything in this marriage be negotiable?"
"That's not fair." She reaches for her discarded sweater, suddenly feeling exposed.
"Addison," he sighs, "don't be like that."
She scowls in response. "Like what?"
"Okay, just … come here. And take that off."
She sighs. "I'm not in the mood."
"What else is new." He pulls her into his arms anyway. "Okay, you win. There's always tomorrow, right?"
She knows what he's doing, and she feels a little manipulated, but it works: in his arms, protected by the warmth of his body, she starts to feel like it's actually okay.
"Don't cry," he sounds faintly amused as he kisses the top of her head. "Not when my pants are unzipped. It's not good for my self-esteem."
..
Mark joins her in Annabel's room after dropping Max off. She's still holding their daughter on her lap in the loveseat. Annabel's sleeping but Addison is awake, stroking her hair and letting gratitude that she's all right spread through her entire body.
"Hey," Mark says softly, leaning over to kiss the top of her head. "You want me to…."
She nods, and Mark lifts Annabel off her lap slowly and carefully enough not to wake her before crossing the room and setting her gently back in bed.
"Amy slept over," Addison says quietly, resting a hand on Mark's chest as they stand in Annabel's open doorway. "Did you know … you did, didn't you."
"You wanted someone she knows to stay with her, Addie."
"Yeah." She looks down. "Thank you, for that. I need to thank Amy, too."
"We can thank her with that hotel room we keep forgetting to reserve," Mark suggests. "She's still technically homeless right now."
"True."
Mark wraps an arm around her waist. "That guy – what's his name? Karev. He was looking for you."
Addison studies his expression. "You don't like him?"
"Of course I like him, he's part of why Derek made it into that OR." Mark glances at her face. "Okay, fine, he's kind of a wise guy. Cocky."
"Yeah. Reminds me of someone else, when he was younger…."
Mark shakes his head at her. "I don't know what's worse, that some fresh kid reminds you of me or that you think I'm old."
She grins at him, linking her arm through his. "I think you're perfect, you know that."
"That's more like it."
..
She finds Karev in the third-floor room they've been using unofficially for prep, Mark heading back to the hotel to check in with Derek, who's working out of the remote office.
Karev looks nervous, pacing the carpeted floor in dress loafers that look uncomfortable. "The hearing starts at two, right?"
"Right." Addison nods. "They're making the lab tech go first. Poor guy. And then I think you're next."
"They're saving Derek for last, huh? Sadists." Karev shakes his head. "Are those clowns from NatMed in town yet? I was wondering if you'd seen them."
"Just one that I know of," Addison says, "and my father is taking him to breakfast as we speak."
Karev raises his eyebrows. "Is that …"
"Shady?" Addison shrugs. "Haven't all our best plans so far been pretty shady?"
"You know something? You're all right," Karev nods thoughtfully. "Yeah. Especially for a New York snob."
"I'm not a snob," Addison protests, indignant.
"Please, your shoes probably cost more than a semester at U of I." His tone is amused, though, not aggressive.
Addison glances down. She's wearing simple black pumps, three inch heels in case she needs to testify in person at the hearing, where she has a feeling every inch will count.
She raises her eyes to Karev's. "Your point?"
"I don't have one." He shrugs, then looks slightly embarrassed.
"What now?"
"Do I, uh, look okay for my testimony?"
She studies him briefly. He has the filled-out physique of a former athlete who doesn't spend much time on the field anymore, the kind of guy whose neck usually looks too big for a tie. Nonetheless, he's piled into a reasonably well-fitting suit – off the rack, obviously. Navy. His shirt is white, his tie red.
"You look very patriotic, Karev."
He glances down and his face flushes. "Crap. Well, I have time, I can see if I can borrow a tie from-"
"I'm kidding," she says hastily, feeling a little bad. "You look great."
He waggles his eyebrows at her. "How great?"
She shakes her head. "Not that great, sorry." She laughs a little in spite of herself. "Are you always this inappropriate with people you've just met?"
"Nah. Only the really special ones. Hey, Montgomery," he calls when she starts to leave. "You do know we didn't just meet, right?"
She turns back to him. "Right, of course. We had a road trip, and quality time blackmailing the general counsel."
"You'd better not use that word at the hearing," he shakes a mock-scolding finger at her. "But no, that's not what I meant."
She knits her brow. "I don't understand."
"When you flew out here for those twins," he says. "Like eight years ago or whatever. I'm Meredith's friend, remember? It was a big deal when you were here. Everyone thought you came to Seattle to try to win Shepherd back."
"I didn't."
"Yeah, I know that. You got out of here pretty quick. We threw back most of the tequila at Joe's after you guys signed the papers. And you must have already been pregnant with Junior up there, right?"
She nods. "Yes. I was pregnant with … Junior. You and your friends weren't very welcoming, if I recall correctly."
"Do you have something to say?" She snaps it out finally, after the third time she catches the tall blonde intern giggling when she turns her back.
"No, Dr. Shepherd. Well, actually, I do have a question. … What?" the blonde hisses to the beefy intern next to her, who has the look of a college wrestler, when he elbows her.
Addison raises an eyebrow. "Spit it out, then."
"Did you really cheat on Dr. McDreamy with his best friend?"
"Did I – wait, McDreamy?" She pauses, unable to keep herself from making a face. "Do you really call him that?"
They nod, not even bothering to look embarrassed. Interns. All in all, she supposes it's better than Dr. Firecrotch ... but she did enjoy assigning that particular intern a full week of bowel disimpactions at Bellevue.
McDreamy, though. She supposes he is pretty dreamy from a distance. She could tell this young woman who knows nothing about her life that Derek – like most things, like Addison herself, too – isn't as dreamy close up. That after eleven years of marriage she still hasn't broken him of the habit of clipping his toenails in the living room or that he leaves sweaty gym socks in the master bathroom or that he refuses to kill the centipedes that encroach on their basement in the summer because they have too many legs.
But at the beginning, when she was the one with distance, he was dreamy. In the middle, before things went south, when his blue eyes softened every time he looked at her, he was dreamy.
Two things happen, then: first, she feels tears start to prick her eyes as she realizes all of that is past tense now, like her entire relationship with Derek, all sixteen years of it. Just … over. And then she decides these interns don't need to know anything, because marriage is private. It's intimate in towering, life-altering ways but also in tiny, undignified ways that are still for her alone to know.
For now, at least, she reminds herself, thinking of the young woman with the wide, feline eyes.
So she schools her expression into the one that most intimidates her residents at home and draws up to her full height plus the four inches her shoes grant her.
"Dr. Stevens, I truly hope you're as thorough in the OR as you are with hospital gossip. But, just to set the record straight… yes, I did cheat on … McDreamy," she pronounces the name with no small level of mockery, "with his best friend. So yes, I am an adulterous bitch." She nods with satisfaction at their uncomfortable expressions. "I'm also, if you'll pardon my honesty, a phenomenal surgeon, and I'm only here for a week so your chance to learn from me is limited. In other words, you will truly miss out if you think my personal life is more interesting than my professional one. So… are you scrubbing in, or not?"
"Yes, please!" The blonde is blushing and, as it turns out, she's pretty good. But more importantly, it's the most Addison has felt like herself since she flew to Seattle.
It doesn't last, of course, because Derek snaps "stay away from me" when she tries to approach him outside the elevator bank. She bleats "the papers" because she's been carrying them around all day and he just looks right through her. She goes up to the roof and sits on a cold, damp wrought iron bench, alone. Gathering her knees to her chest – she won't be able to do that in a couple of months, she realizes - she calls Mark to tell him she can't wait to come home.
"We were protective of Mer," he admits.
"Understandable. So you were one of the interns who thought I was Satan," she muses. "I forgot about that."
"Well, I also thought you were hot."
"Give it a rest, Karev."
"Sorry," he says, not sounding sorry at all.
"Oh, you are not." She can't help smiling at the twinkle in his eyes. "Anyway, you've definitely made up for my first visit on this trip. Hey," she remembers something, "whatever happened to the bl-"
"I should go get my notes from my office," he interrupts her quickly. "Tell Junior I'm down for another game of checkers this morning if she'll stop going easy on me."
..
She peeks in on her daughter, who's still resting, and is chatting with her nurse when she sees a familiar dark blonde head walk past the room.
"Meredith." She excuses herself quickly and jogs down the hall. "Do you have a second?"
"Sure."
"I know you're busy. Just – I wanted to thank you so much, for what you did with Annabel this morning."
"Of course." Meredith looks surprised.
"She, um, she mentioned you weren't feeling great."
"Oh, that. Not my most dignified moment." Meredith laughs shortly. "But I have a two-year-old who likes to take his diaper off in public, so I might not have the best concept of dignity right now."
"Yeah, I remember that stage. It passes. Toilet training, though? That pretty much lasts forever. And getting them to aim…"
"Some guys never seem to learn that."
"No." Addison smiles, thankful that neither of the men with whom she's shared bathrooms has had that problem. Meredith is smiling too. They exchange a quick glance of agreement and Addison decides that this is the weirdest moment since her arrival in Seattle.
Well, until Meredith leans slightly against the wall and Addison finds herself in the awkward position of evaluating her ex-husband's new wife's breasts.
Meredith glances at her and Addison blushes. How do men do this without getting caught? She reminds herself to ask Mark later.
"Um, Addison, is everything okay?"
"Yes. Sorry. I just…" Addison decides the most prudent course is to keep her suspicions to herself, for now at least. "… wanted to wish you luck, too. He deserves his license back, Meredith."
"Thank you, Addison. And I agree."
"I bet you can't wait until the hearing's over," Addison offers conversationally as they walk together to the elevator.
"Oh, you have no idea. Teri's already planning to stay over tonight so we can recover. There's a bottle of tequila with my name on it. I haven't done that since Thomas, but everything's been so crazy that we've hardly had any time alone, which means I'm pretty much-"
Meredith stops, seeing Addison stare at her. "Sorry. Was that weird for you? It must be weird. I shouldn't have said anything."
Addison is confused for a second, then realizes that Meredith misunderstood which part of her plan caused her concern.
"No, it's not weird," she says hastily. "I promise. Go, um … get some!" She smiles weakly and then pumps an awkward fist in the air.
Now it's Meredith's turn to stare at her. "Okay, then. I'm going to head down and-"
"Meredith."
"Yeah?"
She runs quickly through all the risks and all the possible ramifications. Would she want to know? She thinks of Meredith's plans for tonight.
Yes. She would want to know.
"Can I talk to you for one more second? In private?"
..
"No way," Meredith says when they're closed in an empty exam room. "No. Addison, I can't get pregnant. I told you that."
Addison nods slowly. "I know you did. I do some fertility work in my practice and I know how difficult this can be, so I was hesitant to bring it up…"
Meredith presses her lips together. "It's just not possible, that's all."
"You've been more tired than usual lately."
"It's been a crazy week."
"And you threw up this morning."
"Hospital eggs are gross."
"And your breasts look bigger than when we first got to Seattle."
Meredith glances down. "Thank you. Yours look pretty good too."
Addison stifles a laugh. "Come on, you know what I mean."
"I know what you're getting it, yeah, but it's just not possible."
"You said your last period was more than six weeks ago."
"Right, but I also said I'm not regular."
"So you haven't been using protection."
"Well, no." She blinks. "Not for more than a year now. But my AMH is point-six, Addison. I have like three eggs left."
"Look, Meredith, like I said, I don't want to interfere. But … I was a Lisiewicz fellow; he pioneered some of the newer IVF techniques, and he used to have this saying."
"What's that?"
"'It only takes one egg.'"
Meredith is silent for a moment.
"I see a lot of pregnant patients, Meredith," she says quietly. "I have to make a lot of judgment calls and I'm very rarely wrong. Pretty much never, in fact."
"So, how did you and Derek fit both your egos into one house?"
Addison can't help laughing at that. "Look, I don't want to push you, but I thought you'd want to know … and I can help you take a test, if you want."
"You can't steal a pregnancy test," Meredith sighs. "We're already in enough trouble."
"You're right. I can't. But what about the low-cost clinic attached to the hospital? We can find one there, can't we?"
"I can't believe we're doing this," Meredith mutters as they cross the misty parking lot to the walkway that leads to the attached clinic, where they schmooze their way into a private room and Addison fiddles with the empty cardboard box.
"Do you want me to…"
"Watch me pee?" Meredith sticks her head out of the door of the attached bathroom. "I'm all for this modern relationship thing with my husband's ex-wife, and I think it's great that my kid loves your kid, but there are some lines we can probably leave un-crossed."
"Fair enough." Addison hovers outside the door. "Um, let me know if you need help?"
"If I need help peeing on a stick?" Meredith calls through the closed door. "You do know I'm a brain surgeon, right?"
"Right." Addison folds and unfolds the empty box nervously. If Meredith isn't pregnant, then that means she put a woman who's struggling with fertility through the emotional rollercoaster of a test, on this of all days … she swallows hard. Meredith has been so good to them. The last thing she wants to do is hurt her.
She checks the time again. It should be done by now.
"Meredith?"
Silence.
"Meredith, you okay in there?"
When she still doesn't answer, Addison takes a deep breath. This was a mistake. It was overstepping, and a mistake, no matter how flawless her record is with pregnancies. No matter how much she wanted to help. Derek is about to stand in front of a panel who will determine the entire future of his medical career, and Addison is about to break his wife's heart.
Damn it.
She needs to try to help her through this.
Knocking softly on the door, she makes her tone as gentle as she can. "Hey, Mere-"
But Meredith pushes open the door before she can finish, her expression unreadable.
Addison takes a step back. "How are you doing?" she asks softly.
"I don't know," Meredith says slowly, holding out the stick. "You tell me."
Addison takes the stick from her hand. The blue cross is unmistakable.
A tangle of sound follows, in a blue: one of them is laughing and one of them is crying – no, both of them are laughing and crying.
"I guess I'll take a pass on the tequila tomorrow," Meredith says when they've calmed down.
"Not a bad idea." Addison smiles at her. "You'll have plenty of time for that in … oh, about eight months."
They embrace and Addison feels a rush of joy, not that different from the way she felt when she watched her own stick turn blue when she was pregnant with Max. Meredith is small and Addison feels a bit like a giant holding her, but her grip is fierce and she squeezes her back with relief.
"Don't say anything to Derek, okay?" Meredith draws back, grabbing a fistful of tissues to blot her eyes.
"Of course not. …you already have a plan about how to tell him?" she asks when she sees Meredith's thoughtful expression.
"I do, actually."
Addison is intrigued. Meredith doesn't seem like the type to set up cutesy pregnancy reveals like some of the parents she avoids in the upper east side playgroups.
"I should get back."
Addison nods, and watches the other woman rinse and then carefully wrap the pregnancy test in clean paper towels, tucking it into the pocket of her lab coat.
"Hey, Addison?" They're making their way across the misty parking lot again.
She turns around.
"Thank you," Meredith says huskily.
Addison blinks back more tears. "You're welcome."
"And I'm sorry I said that about your ego," Meredith adds. "Well, yours and Derek's, I mean."
Addison waves a dismissive hand. "Don't be. We had to buy an entire brownstone for our egos," she admits, "and a house in the Hamptons, too, and we still didn't have enough room."
They're still laughing when they get to the front entrance of the hospital.
Reviews make the world go 'round. Please let me know what you think! (Even/especially if you're not a regular reviewer.) Regulars: you rock so hard there are no words.
Hat tip to mandyg67, who's been all over Meredith's pregnancy since day one.
Title lyric from one of the many verses of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah