Because of You
Chapter 26
Bella's POV
I hated my body. I hated that it couldn't do something that should have been completely natural, and I hated myself. I hated myself for how I'd treated Edward, and I hated myself for allowing old demons to gain control of me again.
After our failed IVF attempt, Edward and I concentrated on getting back to "us". To who we were, and what was important to us, because first and foremost, it was Edward who mattered the most. It had always been Edward, and I couldn't let anything ever threaten to come between us again.
I didn't work without Edward; it had become evident enough the years we were apart, and I shouldn't have had to keep reminding myself of that. At the same time, I was tired of seeing so much pain reflecting in his eyes; pain because of me. I had to realise that I was more detrimental to Edward than anything or anyone. More than his sister and more than his mother, because Edward had given me his heart, and with it came the power to do a lot of damage to him.
. . .
I took a week's break from the restaurant and when I came back I was met by scores of bouquets of flowers; reminding me again how close-knit Forks really was. How the people closed ranks around their own.
It was such a touching gesture that it immediately brought tears to my eyes, but by that point, my emotions were still so raw, and I was struggling to contain them.
Ang and Sue pulled me back from the brink of completely falling apart, but thankfully, I was too busy to focus on much else than the customers. I'd planned it that way; it was a Friday and I was in for a thirteen hour shift.
I didn't really get the opportunity to stop and think until midday, when Ang dragged me with her to the back courtyard for lunch.
"How you feeling, B?" she asked me gently, after a moment of carefully gauging me; that familiar look of concern consolidating across her face.
"Oh..." I shrugged, looking down at my sandwich and picking the grain absently from the bread, "I'm okay. It is what it is, you know?"
Her hand came to rest on my shoulder, and glancing up I met her gaze. "You know I'll always be here for you guys."
I nodded a little too quickly, the emotion already hopelessly compromising my expression. "I know...
"I'm just glad Edward was able to talk you out of leaving," she added, her tone almost turning wry, but it was as if she'd pulled the plug on me and I was instantly flooded.
"Oh, god, Ang," I all but sobbed, my heart for one moment feeling like it was going to fragment, "I can't believe how badly I hurt him. He just stared at me with-with this betrayal shining from his eyes."
"Oh, B, he understands what you're going through. He really does," she assured me, squeezing my shoulder, and I knew she was right.
He did, but the pain that broke from Edward that day because of me, threatened to haunt me for a long time to come.
"I've put him through so much—he deserves some kind of husband of the year award," I mumbled, scoffing to myself almost ironically as I swatted the tears impatiently from my eyes. Ironic, because Edward and I hadn't even made it through our first year as husband and wife.
For a moment Angela only gazed at me, smiling sadly before she began; her voice softening delicately, "B, what you guys are going through most couples couldn't possibly imagine, but I know with all my heart if anyone can get through it, it's you and Edward."
I nodded again, unable to hold her gaze as tears slipped silently from beneath my lashes. "Thanks, Ang."
I had no doubt Edward and I would get through this; I just had no idea what kind of impact a childless future would have on the two of us.
We ate in silence for several minutes. I knew there wasn't much Ang could say, and I didn't want her to think she had to keep reassuring me. As it was, when she broke the silence it was to give me the out she'd offered me several times already.
"B, are you sure you're up for Lil's party tomorrow? Ben and I will completely understand if you're not."
I shook my head, wishing so badly I could take it. I wasn't ready, I wasn't even close to being ready, but at the same time, I didn't want what Edward and I were going through to impact the lives of others. Ang was my best friend, and Lilly was my Goddaughter. I promised to be there for her despite her dire warnings of the amount of babies and expectant mothers attending.
"No, it's fine, Ang. I'll be fine, and how could I miss Lilly's first birthday?" I insisted, forcing the conviction to my tone. Conviction I should have been feeling in place of so much cowardice.
Still, it was so hard to believe a year had passed already. A year since Lilly's birth...and a year since I'd lost my second baby with Edward.
"I just don't want you to be too confronted by something that's so close to home for you guys," Angela explained her reasoning once more.
Once more giving me the out I so desperately wished I could take.
"I'll be okay," I assured her one more time, coming no close to convincing her than I had the several times previously, before deciding to change the subject. "I can't believe she's going to be one."
"I know," Angela agreed, her tone inherently brightening before it warmed. "It went so fast. Ben already wants me to have another—" she cut herself immediately off, her eyes widening and her face immediately flooding with guilt, before she severed her gaze from mine. "Oh, god, B—I'm so sorry. How insensitive of me!"
"Bloody hell, Ang. That was only really awkward," I tried to make light of it, to make light of what I was sure was going to be one of the many faux pas I'd be subjected to the next day. Of people tiptoeing around me afraid to say the wrong thing and upset me, or worse; avoiding me altogether.
It was an approach a few of the locals had already taken. Jessica Crowley, for example, had stopped coming to the restaurant altogether, and considering she once came four days a week, religiously, her absence wasn't exactly subtle.
Of course, I pretended I didn't notice and went back to work as usual, until I began wishing everyone shared Jessica's method of dealing with me. It's not that I didn't appreciate their heartfelt condolences and prayers each time I rang up their order, or was cornered in the parking lot. I did; I just hated the reality it continuously forced me to accept; that Edward and I were becoming known as that "unfortunate childless couple".
It seemed a ridiculous title to give a pair of newlyweds, barely twenty-seven years old, but for me and Edward it had already stuck, and was beginning to feel like a foreshadowing.
People didn't talk to me and Edward casually, or randomly anymore. Now all conversation came with a motive. So, I listened patiently, forcing the smile to my lips as my many patrons relayed various IVF success stories of obscure friends of relatives who'd apparently gone through the procedure before us, while never letting on that all these damn anecdotes did was serve as a brutal reminder of what Edward and I struggled with on a daily basis to overcome.
A struggle I still feared would get the better of us.
. . .
Edward was due back from work around 5:30pm. He was late, and since it was an occupational hazard for his line of work, I wasn't too concerned. Still, he usually let me know when he was running late, and I didn't fully breathe easy again until I saw his car pull up in the parking lot.
Only, the moment Edward stepped from the truck I immediately knew something was very wrong. It was in his posture; his entire body of muscles. He was tense—rigid. Something was absolutely fraying him.
My heart paused in fear, and with my eyes not deviating from his approaching form, silhouetted as he was by the nearby street lamp, I made a hasty explanation to Sue before practically running to meet him.
Thankfully, I got to him before he entered the restaurant, because the moment my eyes met with the completelyoverrunintensity of his, he quite literally crumbled.
In the next moment he engulfed me to him, his entire frame trembling, seemingly uncontrollably.
"Honey, what is it?" I exclaimed, the alarm flooding my voice causing it to catch.
He only shook his head, attempting to speak, but all that came out of his mouth was stuttering. And still he refused to let me go, squeezing me to him as his body continued to shudder against mine.
"Edward..." I began softly, fighting to keep my tone from completely breaking, "come around the back and we'll talk. Okay?"
After a long pause he nodded, eventually releasing me, before I grabbed his hand and led him around to the courtyard. He was almost unsteady on his feet while he pressed the heel of his palm into his eyes. I suspected he was attempting to shield me from the presence of his tears as he wiped them roughly from his face.
After dropping down in one of the chairs, he buried his head in his palms, looking so completely broken that it echoed immediately through me; making me feel so incredibly helpless.
Cradling his head against me, I practically curled myself around him before pressing my face against his hair. He'd recently had it cut, and gone was its usual mayhem.
"Did something happen at work?" I breached gently.
For the longest time he didn't speak a word; he only choked back his emotion and tried in vain to stop his body from shaking before he finally relented. "It was a bad day today, baby, but...I-I can't talk about it right now."
"Okay...do you want to go home? I can get Sue to lock up," I put to him, running my fingers through the short spikes of his hair.
He shook his head adamantly, rubbing once more at his face before forcefully drawing his breath back through his nose. "No," he answered, his voice continuing to waver regardless. "I'll stay and help. I'd rather keep myself occupied."
My heart paused and ached in my chest. He'd had bad days at work before, but I had never seen him like this. It was really worrying me.
What could possibly have happened?
"All right," I replied reluctantly, before a heavy sigh left me. The pain coursing through him was so intense it was practically tangible, and it was really beginning to affect me. "You want me to get you some dinner?"
"Yeah..." he answered, nodding simultaneously and attempting to pull himself together.
Whatever it was that was shredding him was breaking me, and seeming to sense it, he pulled us both to our feet before bending down to kiss my lips. It was brief, clumsy, and almost desperate, that it did nothing to quell my rapidly building alarm.
Turning, I wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezing him tightly to me and burying my face against his chest. I felt his hands gather in my hair, grabbing fistfuls of it, before his lips dropped against the top of my head.
"I'm okay, baby," he whispered, but I knew he wasn't, and even as he continued to reassure me that tsunami of inevitability continued on towards us.
"Okay..." I pulled back from him, hastily wiping my eyes before I could meet his; they were burning and overrun with an incredibly intense pain that I paused, the words dying on my lips. "Edward..."
His hand rose and cupped my cheek; his thumb slicing a path through my tears. "Not yet, Bella," he all but pleaded with me, and I wasn't altogether sure of his meaning. Because, between the two of us, he could have been referring to any number of things.
Closing my eyes, I nodded briefly in understanding, before turning toward the back entrance of the diner; grabbing his hand behind me.
"Okay, go and grab a seat. Is there anything you feel like?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder at him.
"I don't care," he mumbled, half shrugging; his smile almost becoming warm.
He left me in the kitchen, squeezing my side gently before he headed into the dining area. I watched him go, becoming increasingly tormented by him before I forced my focus back to work; only half succeeding.
I'd prepared beef ravioli for him earlier, and as I reached into the refrigerator to heat it up, Ang came back into the kitchen, her expression alarmed.
"B, is Edward okay? He looks completely shattered," she exclaimed in all but a whisper.
I shook my head, feeling the frown deeply crease my forehead. "Something happened at work and he won't tell me what," I answered, distracted before a thought suddenly occurred to me. "Turn on the TV."
Picking up the remote control from inside one of the kitchen drawers, Angela clicked on the small portable television set and scanned through the channels until she found the local news.
We quickly discovered the source of Edward's pain.
I immediately froze, my eyes glued to the small screen before my breath left me and the spoon I was holding fell from my hand; clattering to the tiled floor below.
There had been a murder suicide in the Olympic National Park, south off Hurricane Ridge Road, the news anchor reported in a sombre tone, before switching to the journalist on location. A man and two young children had been found unresponsive with carbon monoxide poisoning, the middle aged reporter in the brown suit explained, and there in no more than three or four frames was Edward, bent over a tiny shirtless body as he performed CPR, an inexplicable expression encompassing his face, while the identity of the baby was blurred out.
I gasped, reflexively stepping backwards, my hand covering my mouth in absolute horror.
"Oh my god," Ang uttered from beside me, expressing what I couldn't; my voice had completely failed me.
In the next moment, I whipped my head around to the restaurant, searching for Edward. I found him sitting slumped in one of the booths off to the side. Uncle Billy sat opposite him, his hand on Edward's shoulder as he spoke to him. Edward only nodded despondently, before his eyes seemed to instinctively rise and catch mine.
He shook his head, his expression this time seeming helpless. Not yet, Bella, I heard his voice echo in my mind; something his eyes appeared to immediately reflect.
I nodded; he wasn't ready to face it. I wasn't sure if he ever would be, but right now he wasn't.
"Who would be that evil—who?" Ang's increasingly angry voice invaded my thoughts, pulling them from Edward.
I turned back to her, shaking my head. "There's no words," I spoke quietly.
"That poor mother," her voice quivered in empathy, before she picked up the remote control and switched the television off in disgust.
"He did it to spite his ex-wife, no doubt," Sue commented, shaking her head to herself as she pounded on the ground meat. "Not everyone who has kids deserves them."
It was a double meaning; I'd heard it a lot the last several months. Stories of negligent parents followed by the standard expressions of pity. As if the fact that horrible people being able to have children, whereas Edward and I couldn't, was meant to be some kind of comfort.
Of course, the injustices of the world weren't going to change the problems with my fertility, and I was on the verge of reminding Sue of this when Uncle Billy walked into the kitchen; a wearied expression etched into his weather worn face.
"Bella, I spoke to Edward's boss a few minutes ago. He's giving him the weekend off. I suggest getting him away for a couple of days—he's really struggling," he relayed, before taking a heavy breath and turning to flash Sue an awkward, welcoming smile.
I nodded.
"Thanks, Uncle Billy. I will," I said with a sigh, before cupping my palm around my forehead, wishing I'd decided to start back at work on any other day other than this one. "I'd take him home now, but he wants to stay busy."
"I can understand that," he admitted, before bending down to plant a kiss on my cheek; a belated welcoming. "After he's eaten I'll take him out for a couple of beers. I'll swing by and pick up Jake, too. We'll get his mind off it for a while."
"You want us to make you dinner as well, darl?" Sue put it to him just as I flashed him a grateful smile.
There were no words to express my gratitude for the fact that my uncle had taken Edward under his wing. Especially considering Edward's past with Jacob, and in light of the absence of Edward's family.
"Oh," a smile broke quickly across his face before he blushed, "well, why not."
"I'm making Edward beef ravioli, Uncle Billy. Would you like the same?" I asked, pouring the premade meal into a pan to be reheated.
"That'll be nice, Bella." He smiled warmly before returning to the restaurant opposite Edward.
"B ..." Angela broke my concentration a moment later, her tone gentle. I turned to her. "I don't expect you guys to come tomorrow after what happened with Edward today. You two deserve some time away. We'll catch up after the weekend."
"Oh, Ang..." I said with a despairing sigh. It had completely slipped my mind.
"You don't have to say anything. I completely understand, and so will Ben." She flashed me a sympathetic smile. In fact, she was being so gracious that I suddenly felt terrible.
This was the out I had wanted, but not at the expense of Edward, at seeing Edward in more pain. At the same time, Uncle Billy was right. I had to get him away.
"You're being too nice about it, Ang," I acknowledged softly; which only made me feel worse.
"Bella, some things are bigger, and what happened today is one of those things. You need to look after your husband—and yourself," she stressed, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and squeezing me briefly.
I nodded, inhaling back the threat of more tears. I was a complete basket case these days. I cried at the drop of a hat. "Thanks, Ang. We'll drop by when we're home to give Lilly her gift."
Flashing me a warm smile, Angela quickly kissed my cheek before picking up the waiting order and disappearing back into the restaurant.
"She's a good kid," Sue spoke up from beside me; silently relaying her support by slinging her arm around my neck and nudging me before turning her attention back to the Irish Stew she was preparing.
I needed a moment to breathe before I fell to pieces, so quickly serving up two plates of beef ravioli, I headed into the restaurant to Edward and Uncle Billy.
Edward looked just as dejected, but as I placed his meal before him he managed a smile, with some of his charm creeping back into it. Then curling his arm around my waist he buried his face into my side for a moment.
"Thanks, baby," he mumbled after realising me, before with an inward sigh, I left him to return to the kitchen.
A half an hour later he let me know he was going out with Uncle Billy and Jake. He appeared reluctant, so reluctant I had to practically force him out the door to leave. He was back again just as I was locking up, but he was no less on edge than he had been that afternoon.
When we got home it was obvious Edward still wasn't up for talking, and not wanting to push him, I ran him a bath before feeding Buddy and tidying the kitchen from breakfast that morning. By the time I climbed the stairs to take a shower, Edward was already out of the bath; the only evidence that he'd even been in it was the soapy, lukewarm bathwater that he'd forgotten to empty.
Turning on the hot water, I stepped under the spray, half expecting Edward to jump in the shower with me. It was his usual habit every Friday and Saturday night after we came home from the restaurant, but not tonight.
I found him lying in the middle of the bed, asleep on his stomach; a bath towel still wrapped loosely around his waist. And even in his sleep he looked tormented and so completely vulnerable that my heart once again ached in my chest.
Was this what our lives had become? Constant pain and heart ache? I couldn't bear it a moment longer. In fact, I could barely recall the last time Edward and I laughed together; really laughed. Everything around us appeared to be crumbling, and while we clung to each other, it wasn't for any other reason but to survive, to get through what had become of our lives together.
But while we'd always remain connected, we were in danger of losing sight of the significance of that connection. The affinity between us seemed to now come with a reason, a motive. We didn't make love anymore. Sex was therapy. To get Edward past his family, or me past my infertility; never just for us, between us.
We were too young to be so old, I thought as I watched his smooth, bare back rise and fall rhythmically in his sleep. Too young to be so consumed by the thought of babies, and too newly married to have such a dark cloud hanging over us.
Unfortunately, dealing with the death of children was an inevitability in Edward's career, so when it happened it shouldn't have felt like it was tipping the two of us over the edge.
But that's exactly what it appeared to be doing. Edward was tired and I was... I wasn't even sure who I was anymore, let alone what I was feeling. At the moment I knew only one thing; the one thing that mattered most.
Edward was my husband, and he needed me.
Being careful not to disturb him, I crawled on the bed beside him, curling myself into him. He stirred before rolling on his side and wrapping his arm around me, pulling me further against him.
I slept in his arms that night, like I did most nights, but this time it was different. There were no blankets, no clothes, no inhibitions; just Edward's naked body curled against mine as I cradled his head to my chest. He kept me warm and protected, physically, while I embraced him, releasing him from those overpowering emotions of his. For just a moment.
He didn't tell me about what had happened that Friday at work, but he didn't need to.
In the morning we drove to Seattle to stay with Rose and Emmett for the weekend. Emmett was one of the few people who could get through to Edward in times like these, while Rose and I had become good friends. Plus, being around EJ made me appreciate the fact that Edward and I were still childless. It's not that he was a horrible child. He just had endless amounts of energy; exacerbated by the fact that Emmett was constantly feeding him sugar. He was exhausting just to watch.
And it wasn't an accident that he was an only child.
By the time we arrived back in Forks Sunday evening Edward and I had found ourselves again; amongst the chaos of the last several months we rediscovered what was important. But it's funny how the universe works. Because of the tragedy that happened Friday, Edward and I missed Lilly's first birthday party. Most of the young families of Forks and surrounding towns attended. Sam and his wife, Emily, were there, announcing the happy news of their pregnancy, just as Ang and Ben did the same.
I suspected this was the main reason why Ang had given me the out I had so desperately wanted; to spare me from the pain of a happiness that was not promised to me and Edward.
I was happy for Ang, and Sam too; I really was. As much as it stung I wouldn't begrudge anyone of happiness, or wish upon them what Edward and I were going through.
But still...it was as if the universe was also playing a cruel game with my emotions. Pregnancy and babies seemed to be constantly around me.
Mocking me.
There wasn't anything I could do about it, and it would be completely counterproductive to dwell in self-pity, so I got on with life with Edward and the restaurant. I kept the smile plastered on my face with each new pregnancy announcement or birth of a new baby, while the panic quietly simmered just below the surface.
Edward kept insisting that we do another cycle of IVF. At another infertility clinic, of course, but I wasn't ready to put myself through such an emotional gamble, and I still couldn't reconcile spending so much money on something that wasn't guaranteed. Not to mention putting so much strain on the two of us and our marriage. But Edward was insistent; he wanted to give me a baby more than I wanted one, it seemed, and so to placate him I promised him I'd consider it again after a few months.
It would have been so much easier if I just wasn't ready for kids yet, and maybe if I had no fertility issues that would have been the case. But with a childless future looming over me, it came with a sense of desperation to try and rectify it while I was young, before my age would become another hurdle.
At the same time, I still carried that yearning to replace the babies I'd already lost; still haunted by faces that shouldn't have been as familiar as they were. I carried that ache everywhere I went. It even followed me into my dreams, and it never dulled. Edward was able to distract me from it for a lot of the time, but even he couldn't take the burden of it from me, as much as I wished he could. Because they were apart of him, as well.
For the next week at the restaurant Angela could barely look at me, and I absolutely detested the fact that I was inhibiting her happiness; that she couldn't share it with me.
"Bloody hell, Ang!" I finally snapped after it continued into the following week. "I forbid you to feel guilty because you're pregnant!"
She opened her mouth to reply, her expression more and more culpable that it was really beginning to upset me, when my phone rang, effectively cutting her off. After an exasperated huff in her direction, I picked it up and glanced at the screen; it was a private number.
I usually let my message bank pick up unknown numbers; especially since the fateful day that Jazz rang and proceeded to holler down the receiver at me. But needing an excuse to delay this conversation with Angela, I answered it, stiffly and full of frustration.
"Hello, Mrs Cullen?" a middle aged woman asked politely.
"Yes...?" I answered.
"This is Victoria Reed from Pacific Northwest Fertility. I'm calling to confirm your appointment with Dr Stewart for next Monday the 18th."
I hesitated, my heart pausing. "I...I'm sorry?"
"Mrs Cullen?—Mrs Isabella Cullen?" she clarified, beginning to sound uncertain.
"Yes."
"And your referring doctor is Dr Carlisle Masen?"
For the second time I faltered, my mind beginning to race. "Dr Masen is my father in law."
"Dr Masen has referred you to Dr Stewart for infertility treatment, due to"—I heard the sound of papers being rustled—"obstructed fallopian tubes. Are you aware of this?"
"Yes, I mean, I have obstructed tubes, but...no, I wasn't aware of the referral," I admitted, dragging my fingers over my brow and into my hair in growing confusion.
"Do you require fertility treatment, Mrs Cullen?"
"Yes."
"Okay, my advice is to keep the appointment, because the fact that Dr Stewart was able to squeeze you in is something of a miracle. The average wait period to get in to see him is two years," she disclosed, her tone lowering, emphasising the importance of it.
"I-I'll have to speak to my husband about it, first," I explained.
"Okay, I can hold the appointment for twenty-four hours while you talk it over with your husband, dear, but no longer than that. I'm sorry. Dr Stewart is extremely busy."
"I understand," I replied, my hands beginning to quiver as my eyes met the wide anticipation of Angela's.
"If you can call me tomorrow to either confirm or cancel your appointment that would be great. My name is Victoria Reed, Dr Stewart's receptionist. Do you have a pen?"
"Ah—yes," I said quickly, pulling a pen and notepad from my apron before scrawling down the number she relayed to me.
When I hung up I turned fully to Angela, my mouth falling agape.
"Edward's step-father has got me an appointment to see Dr Stewart!" I explained in almost disbelief.
"The Doctor in Seattle? The one with a huge IVF success rate?" she prompted me, her voice straining in her growing excitement.
I nodded, my hand all but subconsciously flattening over my stuttering heart.
"B...!" Ang exclaimed, struggling to keep her voice lowered, before she grabbed me and proceeded to jump up and down. "I'm so happy for you!"
"But, I don't understand," I admitted, shaking my head, after untangling myself from Angela's enthusiasm. "We haven't spoken to Edward's parents in years—at least, I haven't."
"Do you think Edward spoke to his father to ask for advice, or something?" Ang put to me delicately this time.
I shook my head again, but was immediately doubting myself. I had pushed Edward so far that it was entirely possible he had.
I wouldn't know until I could speak to him, but he wasn't due home from work for another three hours. I could call him, but he was often en route in the ambulance somewhere and couldn't take calls. Of course, I could call his station, but that was generally only for emergencies.
I tried his phone anyway, and just as expected, it went straight to his voice mail.
He called back almost two hours later.
"I'm sorry, baby, I was busy all day today," he explained apologetically. "I'm about to head home—what's up?"
"Oh, nothing," I lied. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."
He chuckled softly, before teasing me, "You're getting sappy in your old age, gorgeous."
"Stop it," I murmured my voice dropping affectionately." I'll see you soon."
He arrived home twenty minutes after I did, and after playing with Buddy for a couple of minutes in the rear yard, he came through the back kitchen door. "Hey, baby," he greeted me, his smile already tender and broadening. He engulfed me to him, planting his lips to mine briefly but repeatedly, before releasing me to yank open the door of the refrigerator. "Three kids almost drowned today"—he held up three fingers in emphasis—"three," he stated with a heavy sigh, grabbing a beer and shutting the door with a thud, before rummaging around in the utensil drawer for the bottle opener. "The first thing we're doing when we have a kid is teaching him how to swim."
"Yeah," I said softly, nodding my head in agreement as I leaned against the doorframe watching him.
With his beer opened, he was back in the refrigerator searching for something to eat, or more for the leftovers I usually brought home for him. After grabbing the small plastic container of chicken carbonara, he peeled back the lid and brought it to his nose. "Oh..." he uttered in appreciation before placing it roughly in the microwave and pressing the reheat button. This is when he turned to me, his brow quirking. "You okay, babe? You're quiet."
"I'm fine," I replied, half shrugging and flashing him a warm smile, before switching the coffee machine on. "I got an interesting phone call today," I mentioned casually.
He paused and glanced up at me, only appearing minimally curious. "Oh, yeah? Who from?" he asked, shoving a forkful of pasta in his mouth.
"From the Pacific Northwest Fertility clinic confirming my appointment," I answered, placing his coffee in front of him before taking the seat opposite him with my own.
He stopped mid-chew before swallowing, his forehead bunching. "I don't understand... Have you decided you want to do another cycle?" His tone brightened.
I shook my head. "No, this appointment was made on my behalf by Carlisle."
This time his expression completely smoothed out before he straightened his back. "Oh...r-really?" And he didn't appear surprised by it. Not at all.
"You didn't know anything about it?" I put it to him, my brows raised.
"No, I mean, not about the appointment," he confessed.
"Edward..." I sighed, dropping my forehead into my palm, "did you ask Carlisle to help us out?"
"Yeah," he conceded, his eyes lowering to the fork in his hand that he allowed to slip from his fingers onto the plastic container. "I asked him to see what he could do."
"Honey..." I sighed helplessly, before he glanced up and again met my eyes, "you didn't need to do that."
"I did," he countered seriously. "In case you haven't noticed, baby, we're not doing so great."
I was immediately assaulted by a wave of emotion. I fought to hold it back regardless; even as I watched it reflect in Edward's expression. "Does he expect anything from you in return?" I asked, my voice catching.
He broke my gaze, biting down on the inside of his lip and looking distracted for a moment, before picking up his fork and continuing to eat. "He wants me to think about making amends with my mother...and-and Alice," he answered quietly, without emotion.
I only watched him for a moment; watching as the vein down his forehead began to bulge, giving away the fact that he was a lot more troubled by this conversation than he wanted me to know.
"And you'd do that?" I asked him, my voice this time completely breaking.
He looked up, his expression this time becoming compromised. "Bella, come on. Of course I would."
"Are you sure?" I whispered, reaching out to grab his hand before he coaxed me around the table, pulling me onto his lap.
"I'm sure," he promised me, dropping his lips and nose to the curve of my neck as his breath completely left him. "I mean, what would it really mean? Seeing them once a year—getting an annual Christmas card? I can put up with that, baby."
"You know with Alice it'll never be that simple," I reminded him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders.
"We'll move to Tasmania," he murmured, a small smile curving on his lips.
I laughed softly, kissing the side of his head, before resting my brow momentarily with his. "I don't know..."
"Baby, look at me," he said seriously, leaning back to gauge me. "Forget them. This isn't about them. Do you want to try again?"
"Of course I do," I admitted quietly, my heart faltering at the very idea of it, "but...a new cycle means paying for everything from scratch."
He only grinned as if immediately dismissing it. "Rose helped me get a settlement check from the last clinic. They reimbursed us for eighty percent of what we paid out."
Rose was studying at Seattle University School of Law, and was already notorious for her intimidating approach. I can only imagine she would have been all too keen to flex her muscles by helping Edward out. And it explained all the phone calls Edward and Rose had exchanged over the last few months. At the time, Edward had rationalized it by telling me she and Emmett were having problems, but I should have known, and Edward is a terrible liar.
"What?" I exclaimed, surprised. "Why didn't you tell me?"
He shrugged as if it was no big deal, but I couldn't deny that I was upset that he'd taken it on himself and kept it from me.
"At the time I didn't want to bother you with all that stuff," he explained himself, before his smile once again returned. "And I wanted to surprise you."
"Honey!" I reproached him. "You can't—"
"Baby, come on, you were barely talking to me there for a while, remember?" he tactfully pointed out, reminding me once again how terribly I'd treated him.
I only sighed, deeply, wearily, before bowing my head against his.
"We have the money..." he emphasized, pulling back once more to meet my eyes. "So, what do you think? You want to do this?"
I paused for a moment to properly process it, while my heart continued on a frenzied trajectory of both fear and hope, but deep down I knew I couldn't waste such a huge opportunity.
If I was being truly honest with myself, I wasn't ready to concede defeat just yet, and despite the lack of guarantees, the needles, the hormones, and absolute trauma that was threatened with it, I really wanted to try again. I wanted to lose myself in the anticipation of what was one of my deepest desires one more time, because the promise of what it might result in far outweighed all the heartache if it failed.
To have that piece of me and Edward in my arms.
And so, taking a momentous breath, I broke into a completely accepting smile; feeling it grow wide across my face. "Let's do this."