short filler chapter because I'm trash

Last night, I knew what to say
But you weren't there to hear it
These lines, so well-rehearsed
Tongue tied and over-loaded
-The Academy Is, About a Girl

I get home and hurry inside. Mom calls out to me, and I tell her I'll be right back, and taking the stairs two at a time, I make it to the bathroom just as I start to gag.

I throw up everything in my stomach, and then I can't stop dry heaving.

When I finally catch my breath, and I start crying. I can't help it. It's just has bad as it was the first time. Despite the nightmares, I never truly thought it would happen again.

If the guys hadn't been there-

I stop myself right there. I don't want to think about what could have happened. It didn't happen, so it's fine.

I reach over and turn the knobs in the tub. I debate for a moment, and then turn the cold water completely off, allowing only hot water to fill the tub. I strip out of my clothes quickly and throw them aside. I slide into the water, and every part of my body is screaming for me to get out, that the water is too hot, but I force myself to stay.

When the tub is full, I turn the water off and grab the shampoo. I wash my hair twice, and my body three times. I still don't feel clean. I drain the water and fill it up again, still only using hot water. My body must be used to it now, because it feels almost nice.

I lay down, leaving only my face out of the water. I'm surprised mom hasn't called for me, or came looking for me. I'm surprised she didn't have something to say about me ignoring her. I'm sure I'll hear about it later.

I start crying without warning. I screw my eyes up tight, trying to stop the flow that's coming fast, but instead I sob. I don't want mom to hear me, so I take a deep breath and slide under the water.

I'm not sure if I'm crying anymore, considering I can't feel the tears falling. I could just end it. Why wait until graduation?

My lungs soon start screaming for air, and I oblige without meaning. I should just cross the bridge and leave. No one would find me then.

I lay there until the water gets cool. It's getting dark, and any minute dad will be home and I'll have to go down for dinner.

I force myself out of the tub. I get dressed in a fresh dress, because nothing in this world can make me put that dress on again until it's washed.

After dinner, I go to bed. I don't have any nightmares, and I'm grateful. If I had a nightmare, I don't know what I'd do.

When I wake up in the morning, I move on autopilot. I dress, eat, leave, without thinking. I talk to Christina on the way to school, but my mouth works separately from the mess going on in my head. I just want things to be quiet for a while. I just want everything to stop. Why can't everything just stop?

The day goes by in a blur, as does the next one, and the next one, and the weekend. It's easy. It's almost like a break. I go to school and I go home. When I'm not focused on one of those two things, I don't focus on anything at all.

I don't know why it hits me, but I realize I never thanked the guys for helping me. If they hadn't shown up-

Again, I force myself to stop thinking about it. I try to push it all out of my mind, but the guilt has settled in my stomach, and it gets so heavy that by Thursday I force myself to go outside. At first, I try convincing myself I'm just going to the bridge, but when I end up at the treehouse, I know I've just been lying to myself.

I stare up at it. How long has it been since the last time I was here? It looks smaller than I remember.

I stay until dusk, and then go home.

The next day I go again, around the same time. I can't force myself to see if anyone is there, and no one sees me. The guilt isn't gone, but it's loosened.

I leave earlier than usual Saturday, and after I make my way by the treehouse, I go to the bridge. This stupid bridge.

I take a step forward. I haven't stood on it since that day we left town. I feel pressure behind my eyes, but I force it down. I'm not going to cry over a stupid bridge.

I stay there until I have to leave. Mom doesn't ask where I've gone, and it seems very unlike her. But I don't give her any information. I just go up to my room and go to bed.

nothing says -shitty filler chapter- like no dialogue