Jagadamba regained consciousness in Carl's arms.
He smiled at her and touched her face.
She grimaced and slapped at him and said, "Get off me."
She pushed him away. It hurt his feelings but he kept it to himself.
A couple of them offered to spill the tea but after hearing Bushrod was her cousin, Jagadamba decided she was not ready to hear it or read it. It devastated her.
Soon, they returned to Alexandria.
With tail tucked and metaphorical hat in hand, Abraham grimly announced, "The good doc is donezo. Arrow through her noggin."
Head in hand and reeling at the realization he could have lost three family members today if Jagadamba had met that rabid gaggle of Saviors instead the merciful one, Rick said, "Negan."
"Most definitely," Rosita confirmed. Jagadamba overheard and was floored.
I have no one to talk to now, she thought.
She became inconsolable.
Rick still tried anyway.
Instead of pushing him away like she usually would have done, she held on tightly and buried her face in his chest as she wept.
Carl overheard and his devastation was quiet. The woman who saved his life was dead.
I encouraged her to go. This is my fault, Carl thought feeling irrational guilt.
He reached out and put his hand on his wife's back to let her know he was there.
She shook him off. She knew him touch.
Carl took off to go help Daryl dig Denise's grave. During that time, Jagadamba had her daughter in tow when she went to go speak to Achilles.
Rick was with her.
When she stepped in front of his house, she had expected to see all Priyanka's shit strewn about out of rage. When she did not see that, she knew he had known for years.
Aware of the hideaway key, she allowed herself in. She could hear them arguing loudly.
Dare was wailing. He was a sensitive sort. He hated tension. This will one day change.
Jagadamba called out, "Achilles. Get down here now."
He had been dreading this moment since he discovered she knew.
He sheepishly and humbly came down the steps. He knew how fearsome the pint size sister could be when she was angry. She was a force of nature.
"Jagadamba," he began before being interrupted.
"Did you know she was my birth whatever and that she lied about our parents not making back home?"
"Jagadamba. You have to-"
"Did you know about her?"
"You have to understand. I love you. You are my sister no matter what. I remember the day I met you. It is my first complete memory.
But, I also love your mom. I just do. Just like you love Carl. You can't explain it. You just do."
"Don't you dare compare us to you. It's not the same thing."
"Fine. When you ran away, she had a major breakdown. She tried to kill herself. She almost succeeded.
I saved her. She
told me you were her child. I didn't believe it at first. Then she explained it and all the pieces fell in place. I know you are hurting and the world doesn't make a lot sense-"
"No. What doesn't make sense is that you had some life altering info but you were too busy thinking with your dick to divulge it to me."
"She asked me not to. Plus, I didn't think you would react well to the news. I didn't want to lose you. Like I said, I am your big brother and nothing changes that."
"A big brother protects you. Puts you first even if it hurts. Bigelow is a big brother to Boy. To," she silently nodded to Carly-Jayne.
She continued, "To me. Carl is a big brother to Judy. You are not my brother. You are selfish and a bully. You are nothing more than my third cousin. We are barely related at all," she turned and walked away.
Rick lingered. Achilles didn't argue or go after her. He felt guilty and knew she was right. Rick sympathetically patted him on the shoulder.
Once outside, Rick asked, "You think maybe you were a little harsh on him?"
"No. I take it you do?"
"He was in a precarious position. He toed the line and fell off the side but the fault doesn't rest on him. It was her secret to tell. Not his."
"I know you have always had a soft spot for Achilles. I get it. Maybe I am being too hard on him. But, so? Everything and everyone is hard on me always even before the apocalypse.
I am pregnant with twins that I didn't plan for who are making me so sick it's abusive. I got pulled over by murderers today. Almost died three days ago. Got beat up. Sexually battered. Everybody abandoned me. Found out my parents made it home and that my sister lied about it. Oh, wait. My sister is actually my female parent. And I am the product of two horny teenagers. Not two adulterers. So, upside.
My mother is really my grandmother. My dad is actually my second cousin. I find all this out on my birthday.
I found out my whole life has been a great, big fucking, disgusting, ugly, unnecessary lie up until this point.
Me and my husband, your spoilt brat, my ain true love, my asshole nightmare are not getting along.
I have to deal with his hormonal, pregnant, who has every right to hate me and does ex. My psychiatrist was mowed down. I got to put the Pharaohs at ease. And to top it off. I am forced to do all this sober when all I want right now is down a fifth of Smirnoff 100, couple joints and maybe a bump or three of coke. And I can't stop thinking of my son. Or your wife. She wouldn't have let you leave me there.
So, excuse me for being a bit irrational and little harsh. I think I am coping pretty well, asshole nightmare, Sr," she threw the Uno cards at his feet and stormed off.
Rick wanted to but he didn't care enough to follow her. He had had enough of being disrespected for one day. Plus, it wasn't like she has lying.
Meanwhile, Michonne had lingered behind in the infirmary under the guise of wanting to look after Eugene.
However, she was actually after the morning after pill. So far finding it was a no go.
Eugene, never the dummy said to Michonne, "In all my time knowing you we have scant said a paragraph to each other. Now you want to be personal Mary Seacole?
Which leads me to enquire why did you dally? What are you really looking for?"
"I don't think you would know."
"I used to help her with inventory."
"The morning after pill," she sighed.
"We are out of ECPs. Besides, you have not been around and its already been three days. Unless, you have had congress with someone else. In which case I don't care but just stating a fact. Have you?"
She scoffed at Eugene.
Then left out in a small panic. She knew tubal ligations weren't always complete. There could be a space in one of her fallopians. She could still be releasing eggs. And voila a baby.
And since she and Rick have yet to have unprotected sex. She knew any potential baby would definitely be Carl's.
The idea terrified yet intrigued her. She knew there was no way Carl would be willing to keep it secret. He would claim his child consequences be damned. Plus, she knew it would be gorgeous to boot.
She thought, You are getting ahead of yourself. You are not pregnant. Your tubes are still tied. True, we had lots of unprotected sex. Hot, awesome sex. No. No. We fucked. But, I am not pregnant. I am not. It's too early to tell anyway.
Michonne was still deep in thought when Jagadamba came up to her and bear hugged her.
"Auntie, I don't care what the shit in the box may or may not say. You are my aunt. And you are the only person in my family who has never betrayed me or lied to me. As such, I need your advice," she said on the verge of tears again. Her damned hormones kept her crying.
Jagadamba's words made Michonne feel base and unnecessary like fame for a Kardashian.
My God, she can never find out. It would destroy her, Michonne thought.
"About?" Michonne asked.
"In private," Jagadamba motioned for Michonne to follow her into the church.
She did.
In clipped tones, Jagadamba asked, "Should I forgive Carl without a fight?"
"Yes. He is really tore up about what he said to you. And angry about the fact Rick left you there in the first place. You're basically what Carl and everyone fought about earlier," Michonne knew she really was at least half the reason.
"I get that feeling but I am afraid if I forgive him, I am gonna have to forgive Priyanka, too. Achilles, too. And frankly I don't want to."
"Then don't. Just forgive your husband, the father of your ch-children," she almost choked on the word.
Michonne added, "What did Achilles do?"
"He knew," she pouted.
Michonne thought about it and replied, "I am not shocked. Explains why he was so tolerant of her. He felt sorry for her."
"Why would he feel sorry for that bitch?"
"First of all, we are in a church. Don't swear. Secondly, Priyanka endured a lot when she was pregnant with you."
"No more than I did. Or am now."
"I don't know. Her mother made her tell your father that she miscarried and that she didn't love him anymore. Or else she would lose her inheritance and you would never have one.
She sent Priyanka away to California. They made her life miserable."
"With uncle Rami and aunt Khadijah lived. They were always so cold and nasty towards me. Especially that tired old bitch. Biddy. I mean biddy. That explains everything. Well, I take that back, their son, cousin Siddiq was cool. And so handsome. He made me feel safe."
"Jayne pretended to be pregnant to protect you both and her reputation. If you were her child, her parents could not disown Priyanka or you. Jayne's inheritance was her own."
"They lied to me because of money? That's what my life meant to them?"
"Uh, it's not an unsound reason. During that time, without money, how were they supposed to care for you? Magic?"
"Okay. Point taken. My father. Who was he? I know he was your cousin. What's my real last name?"
"Anthony. Same grandfather. His dad was Bushrod's and I's uncle," she said.
"So. That hasn't changed. Good. At least that much about me is still true. What happened to him? His name."
"Nimrod."
"I know he was the first king but that is an awful name. What happened to him? I have seen pictures but no one has ever talked about what happened to him. I just know he died."
"I, uh, I was twelve when I found him. I was visiting my brother. Bushrod fostered him after his folks died in a car accident. He lost his right arm. He was left-handed. That doesn't make it any better."
"Like Carl lost his right eye. We like our toys broken. Gives them character. I am left-handed, too," Jagadamba sniffled.
"He didn't let his handicap stop him. He was popular and handsome. So, fricking intelligent. He was like a brown Ferris Bueller. He even played soccer. I am guessing your mother-"
Jagadamba growled, "Female parent. Incubator. Container."
"She must have been his dream girl. She is uncommonly attractive. Like you are."
"She'll do. I know enough about her. I want to know about my father."
"He was always there for me. Kids used to torture me in middle school. I was skinny, dark-skinned, nappy headed. Nerd. He always made me feel special. You got that gift. You feel make people feel like they matter. To this day if I feel low, it's his voice I hear when I want to feel better. His middle name was Andre."
"You named your son after my father. Wow. But, still you are beating around the bush. How did he die? You said you found him. Found him how?"
This was a very painful memory for Michonne. This was the moment she knew was capable of becoming detached. Hard.
So, in the spirit of that she decided to get right to it, "He had been gone awhile. He hung himself. The night before I heard him and Priyanka arguing. He begged her to take him back. That he could never love anybody but her."
"So, she killed my dad by proxy."
"No. She was a scared fourteen year old obeying her mother because she wanted to keep you. Today made me see her a little differently. She didn't make Nimrod do anything. He autonomously elected to end his own life. No one can make another person do that. Because if so- you and me would have been dead such a long time ago. Been dead. So dead."
"I tried to die after I avenged Mohinder. The same way my black half succeeded. I am half black.
I always embraced my Punjabi side more. But, I realize that is only a quarter of me. Not half. I am a black woman. To be honest, I have never fully accepted my blackness until this very moment.
Regardless, I always thought of myself as an other with pride. Nobody was my combination. But, to discover I am partially European- German is disheartening. Especially given what I know about Priyanka's family. Ever hear of Ilse Koch?"
"Nazi war criminal?"
"To say the least. She had people turned into lampshades. Their skin."
"I figured. Well, I read."
"She was called the bitch of Buchenwald. She is her granddaughter.
She found out at school doing a project. Her father had changed his last name to Richter. He was a geologist. Hence the Richter Scale. So, she says anyway. Who can believe her anymore?"
"You know her dad committed suicide, too. Like a month after Nim did."
"Because Jayne left him? How vindictive."
"You shouldn't judge him. You are named for him."
"How? I have an Hindu name."
"Not originally. Jagadamba is your first middle name. You were born Alice Jagadamba Boudica Richter. Alice Richter."
Jagadamba let out a mirthless chuckle.
"Because of course I don't know my real name. Makes sense because my life is great big cosmic joke with no punchline," she got up and walked away.
Michonne followed.
"I can't imagine how this is for you," This was the only thing Michonne could think to say.
"My life was ruined from the word go. I hate her. I hate them all."
Michonne knew she couldn't let this stand.
"She's still your mom. And my brother and his wife. Your grandma raised you. They all loved you and protected you. Even Priyanka. Especially Priyanka. Imagine what sacrifice it must have been to hand you over. You were the prettiest and sweetest baby. Come to think about it, she was always possessive of you. I know you are angry with her about your son-"
Jagadamba so sarcastically interrupted, "And you are so, so crazy about Mike and Terry?"
Michonne resisted the urge to bloody her nose and instead said, "It all boils down to this. Do you want to be Bobby Darin or Jack Nicholson?"
She looked confused.
Michonne continued, "Like you, their mothers were actually their grandmothers and their sisters their teenaged mothers.
Now Nicholson took it as an act of love and dedication. He didn't let it turn him into a victim. Darrin however, let it destroy him. Put him in an early grave. So, are you Jack or Bobby?"
Jagadamba took a deep breath and softened. But, didn't say anything.
Michonne gently said, "You don't have to like or even love her but you have to respect her. Because if you don't, how can you possibly have any respect for yourself? You can't hate her. If you do, you hate yourself."
"I don't hate her at all. I have always loved her with all my heart. My first word was not momma or dada. It was Priya. To me, she is the most beautiful, funniest, smartest and awesomest woman I know, other than you.
I used to think the world of her. But, starting the day she took a detour away from Shane and Lori- she has been breaking my heart every since.
She doesn't respect me. Carl doesn't either for that matter."
"Why do you say that?"
"At least I got one. Who says that to an orphan? Let alone their pregnant wife?"
"I heard he gave as good as he got."
"I mean, yeah. I said some regrettable things to him. But, he called me a slave. Said girls like you. You'll get over it. He tried to use my child against me. He pressed all my berserker buttons."
"How did he try to use C.J. against you?"
"Told me he wasn't going to bring her to the Hilltop to see me. That if I wanted to be around her, I would have to come home."
"He told me you wanted to stay."
Jagadamba was growing a little frustrated with Michonne being so diplomatic. But, she remained respectful.
"I know Carl is important to you. I know the two of you and went through some bad shit together and you are so bonded as a result. But, I need you on my side. I am your kin."
"Why is it necessary to pick a side? All I see is a young couple in love who rushed headlong into a marriage and parenthood without understanding one another first.
There was bound to be some friction. But, I know Carl and you are going to work it out. You two need to be patient with each other."
"He never let me down before. Carl was always my rock. I could count on him no matter what. I just wanted him to be there for me. Sympathize. I just need him to be there for me even when it's inconvenient for him. I just want my husband to feel like home. Is that so lame?"
"That is the direct opposite of lame. I understand," Michonne paused for a moment then said, "Come on. Are you hungry? Want some pancakes. . ."
Meanwhile, Bigelow was with Enid.
"I can't believe Denise is gone," she said mournfully.
"I didn't know her too well. Other than the fact she was helping you and Jagadamba."
Enid had an audible reaction to hearing her name.
"You're angry with her. I get it," Bigelow said talking her hand.
She laid her head on his shoulder and said, "No, you don't."
He kissed the top of her head and said, "Explain it to me then."
Enid cleared her throat.
"Well. I had leukemia when I was eleven. They thought I was terminal so one of the nurses with my parents permission signed me up for Make A Wish. And my wish was to meet Jacie Tony.
A month went by. Then another. I had sorta given up on ever meeting her.
Then one Friday as I was returning back from chemo, there she was waiting for me. Seeing her made me so happy. Elated. I had been crazy about her all my life. She was my girl crush since the first time I saw The Polka Dot Princess. I had all the posters, dvds, shirts, socks, magazines, cds, dolls and what have you. She said in one episode just survive somehow. That kept me alive even during the apocalypse. After my parents died, that dumbass saying is all I had to fuel me. I so desperate I ate a raw fucking turtle.
Anyway, I was going by Grace then and she made me feel like I could do anything. That maybe I could live. So, I did. I improved after her visit dramatically. She corresponded with me for about a year. Until the world ended. I was in remission by then. She never brings it up. But, I know she remembers. It is the way she looks at me sometimes. Like I am the broken wing bird and not her."
"So, Jagadamba saved your life," he said feeling really grateful to the girl he saved at the moment.
"No. God did. He just used her as a catalyst. All I am saying is I loved her way, waaaay before I loved Carl. She told me we were in this together. Sharing him I mean. Next thing I know she marries him. Mar-ries him. I thought like an idiot she was my friend. I was never her friend. I was just a tool she used to get at him. It was all about him. Carl was her endgame. I was collateral. Even back in the day, I was a publicity. A tax write off. It hurts. It hurts so bad. And now we have children in common. So, there is no escaping her or him. I mean could die or they could, I guess but screw that. I don't want that. I don't know what to do or how to feel."
"I think you are handling it as you can all things considered. If it were me, I would've punched her in the face. Pregnant or not. You feel betrayed. And you should."
"And unloved. So, unloved. Maybe one day my kid will love me. But, I know there is no guarantee. My luck, he or she will love her more than me or be a daddy's little whatever."
"I love you," Bigelow said.
She scoffed, "You barely know me."
"That's not true. I know who you are. You're a young woman with a good heart who cares way more than you should about people who don't care about you as much as you do them. You have been hurt. You have lost."
"That's everyone," she said.
"No. A lot of people don't come through to the other side. They give up or become evil which is another type of giving up. My father did that. He clearly always harbored dark, disgusting, pathetic and violent fantasies about J.B.
Anyway, you keep going even when have no reason and you are loyal. You're funny. Sweet. Kind. Mean in a sexy way. You didn't have to make Mohinder's headstone but you did. You could have made Jagadamba's life hell but you didn't. You are a real woman. You are a survivor. And I love you. So there."
Enid blushed. Though, flattered, she had to be honest.
"I like you a lot. I really do. You're a good man. You're a bonafied hero. But, I don't love you yet. I am on my way to. You're awesome. I am sorry."
"Don't apologize. I would find you disingenuous if you said you loved me. Especially since you are blatantly in love with another man and heavy with his child.
That said, do you respect me?"
"Very much. Why?"
"Well, that is all that's required of a wife in the Bible. A man is required to love her but she only has to respect him."
"Husband and wife? What are you saying?"
"Marry me."
Enid was gobsmacked.
"I don't know what to say."
"Say yes," he said.
"I-I- I need time."
"Understood."
"We haven't even had sex yet. I just need a little time."
"If you want we could change that right now. I am game if you are."
"I bet."
"Seriously, I will give you the time you need whether it's a week or next year. I want to be your husband. And I need you to be my wife," he kissed her hand and left.
Enid sat astonished, honored and confused. She wanted to say yes but her feelings for Carl were right there on her skin. She wanted to see his reaction as well as Glenn and Maggie's before she said yes.
An hour later, Carl saw Jagadamba leaving Rick's house and followed her to what was unbeknownst to her- their house. Nobody had told her that Carl moved all his belongings into her place.
She noticed a plethora of baked goods and poorly wrapped boxes, piles of baby stuff and homemade cards of congratulation and birthday felicitations in her dining room. It had mostly came from the Pharaohs.
When she got up to the bedroom, she exclaimed, "Why is all your stupid shit in my room?"
"I moved in the afternoon he didn't bring you back. I didn't want to be anyplace you weren't."
"Oh, and so when you came back yesterday, you decided you were going to what? Continue to impose your will on me? What makes you think I want to be around you?" Though, Jagadamba had calmed down considerably, she kept up pretenses to see where his head was.
"You wearing my ring. You kept the twins. You were on your way home."
"To be with my child. You told me this was the only way I could see her. And after the tornado yesterday, I was scared for her. And Tommie. Marco. Ana. And maybe even you. Given your lack of depth perception, you might not have known how close it was or wasn't," she cracked.
Carl decided to take the high road and instead said, "I was swept up in it. So, was Michonne. It was like an evil rollercoaster. We were stranded. Didn't make it home until this morning."
Genuinely concerned, she asked, "Her stitches?"
"Yes. I did them," he was proud of his handiwork.
"I taught you how," she grinned suggestively to him.
"You did."
They stared at each other for a minute. Their sexual tension was palpable. They stepped to each other.
They kissed fervently before she pulled away and screamed at him.
"You let me down and you judged me. I need a partner who will listen to me. Take my pain seriously. Who won't threaten or emotionally blackmail me. You accused me of not loving my daughter."
"I said you didn't like her. You don't turn a compound and two outposts into structure fires to protect someone you don't love."
"My point exactly."
Carl said, "I also need things from you. A partner that trusts me. Who won't go for the jugular every time I don't agree. I am not those other guys. I don't deserve to be treated that way."
"You told me fuck you. And said at least I got one. You knew that would hurt me down to my everything."
"You told me repeatedly that you wanted to murder my children. If that wasn't bad enough you wanted to leave me and move away. You wanted to basically annul our marriage. That's worse than divorce. Annulment is like saying we mattered so little to each other that it shouldn't exists.
And you made fun of, no. You were vicious about my eye. The thing that almost killed me. Apart of my body is gone. I feel like the Phantom of the Opera on a good day, babe. This is my face, Jagadamba.
Before two nights ago, during the past two months, you had made me feel so good about myself. You are literally the most gorgeous human being I have even seen and by extension you made me feel like I was too.
I was actually starting to believe you. Then you snatched it all away. I feel so ugly and paranoid. That's not fair. That's how I felt before you and Enid," he said tearing up.
"You tore me down, too. You made me feel like used goods. I don't want you to see me as merely a victim of rape. You called me a slave. That is a mighty strong word."
"I know. What happened to you angers me in a way I can't express. I wish I could murder those two motherfuckers. Wear their faces as hats. I hate what happened to you.
You are strong. And wonderful and you don't give up. You blow my mind. I know I could not have endured what you have and still be sane. Alive. But sane? That would be asking too much. I would be so crazy."
"I get it, Carl."
"You are everything I wish I could be. And everything I want our children to be."
"Really? I am actually batshit. I just hide it really well," she said.
"No, you are not crazy. The other day, I was simply telling you I understood some of what you have endured in this life and you acted as if I peed on your cereal and told you it was milk. I wasn't trying to hurt you intentionally not until that last thing I said. But, you were trying to hurt me. And you succeeded," he pouted.
"So, did you. Now what?" She asked.
"We can either forgive each or-"
"Move on," she said reaching out to touch his hands.
"I am not ready to move on. I don't think I ever will be," Carl said placing her hair behind ear.
She ruffled his hair with both hands. She said, "Me neither."
He put his arms around her waist and pressed her body against his.
He broke one hand free and put in the back of her hair. He pulled it tightly, not at the roots but someplace in the middle as not to hurt her. She liked the playful roughness just like her aunt did.
He brought her face close to his and kissed her in a way he never had before.
It was not a sweet buss by no stretch of the imagination. It was angry, lustful and just a bit hungry. She liked it.
She squealed when he threw her down on the bed. Soon, he was on her ass like white on rice.
In between kisses, she hauled off and punched him. Hard.
Hard enough she made his lip bleed. To his surprise, he liked being hit.
She licked off the blood.
This sent them into a frenzy. They didn't even bother getting completely undressed. Carl pulled his pants down around his knees and his wife's around her ankles. Soon, they were one flesh.
She dug her nails in while he used a different stroke then usual. He kept his movements short and snug. Pounding. Not somewhat gentle and long and quick strokes that she was used to. He was definitely more seasoned pro than lucky amateur.
She honestly didn't mind. It felt good. And who doesn't want to get beast fucked on their birthday?
Seven minutes passed. She had came already. He was damn near there. He began to breathe heavily. He attempted to soldier through it and breath through his orgasm. She felt so good to him that he knew that wasn't going to happen.
So, he pulled out and squeezed the head of his member so he wouldn't ejaculate just yet. A dry orgasm. Something Michonne had taught him how to do.
"What are you doing? Looks painful, " She asked.
"Something I read. It doesn't hurt. I don't want to come yet. It is like holding in a sneeze but in my dick. I have been practicing."
"With who?" She said kicking him playfully. But meaning it.
"Myself. Just hold on a sec."
Her husband's new way of being intimate was beginning to alarm her.
Like her, Carl was a quick study. By benefit of being a thespian, she could read something and retain it straight away. He, however was more of a visual learner. Physical. He had to see something done in order to do it himself. She knew he had been intimate with someone else excluding Enid.
This meant one thing to her- someone had taught him his new technique. And she knew from his own admission that he had only been alone with one other person during the past twenty-four hours.
She was about to name the other Miss Anthony in her mind but he began to kiss her and about five minutes later a second orgasm took her mind right off it. She chose to stay off it.
Minutes later, he let himself finish and he screamed like someone had fire under his balls. It felt intense.
Jagadamba said as she caught her breath, "F-u-u-uck. Goddamn. That was unreal. Nigga'. That was so good I swear as I was climaxing I saw a title card that said directed by Joss Whedon float by. What got into you?"
"I don't know. So, that's angry sex? Huh. Cause if so. Maybe we should fight more often," He had a goofy smile on his face.
"Yes. I guess. I saw it as make up sex. I am not mad at you anymore. Are you mad at me?"
"I was hurt. I was never angry."
"You shook me like a newborn. You were angry, boo."
"Okay. Fine, maybe a little. Okay, a lot. I am over it.
I love you and I don't want to fight. It is stupid to fight. I almost lost you three times this week. Those two woman hating assholes, I almost ran you off and the Saviors today. Denise's dead. " He said snatching her up and laying her on his chest. They were still half dressed.
Jagadamba began to weep again and cough.
Carl knew what the coughing meant. She was about to be sick.
"She was my friend. I told her so much. I have nobody to talk things out with anymore."
"Before our hormones got in the way, we used to be best friends. Told each other everything. I told you things I never told anyone at the Hilltop. Not even Michonne. I trust you more than anyone alive in this world."
She sniffed him and snuggled.
Not addressing what he said, she replied, "I like your stink. But, you're a little dirty. You got to wash your ass. Wanna shower together," she did not want to talk about her feelings, she knew sex or at least nudity was a great distraction.
He whispered no and said gently, "Tell me something deep down. No matter how dark."
With her sable, soul piercing peepers as wide as saucers, the beauty seriously inquired, "Are sure about this?"
"You told me what happened to your son. I can't imagine anything being harder than that."
She couldn't really argue with his point.
Jagadamba took a deep breath- sucking the air in hard with her diaphragm as if going against Phelps for the gold.
She cracked her neck and fingers and spoke with a tone heavy laden with everything that was and is wrong with the world, "Okay, then. I will tell you in full Technicolor, sticky, detail about the first time I met Bigelow . . ."
During this time, Elliot caught sight of Daryl brooding on his front porch as cleaned his weapons.
She sashayed her way over to him.
She reclined against the railing and stood with one bare well tanned leg on a step. She had on tight white shorts and a matching halter top.
"Sorry for your lost. I heard about that doctor lady," Elliot said.
"Why are you sorry? You didn't know Denise," he said not looking up at her.
"I know. You just look like you could use a little company."
"I'm fine."
"I'm Elliot Kinsella," she extended her hand.
He finally looked up at her. She gave him a shy, half smile.
She looks like an older Beth. Goddamn. Just got bigger tits. Even kinda sounds like her, he thought.
He took a deep breath and half-heartedly gave her his hand to shake.
"Oh, come now, Bubba. I know one could do better than that. My daddy always said nothing says more about a man's character than his handshake. My Michonne is crazy about you. So, you got character. Show it."
He gave her a firm handshake, almost too hard.
"There you go, tiger," she sniggered at him.
He grinned back however momentarily despite himself.
Old habits, He thought. They continued to talk.
Meanwhile, after vomiting for thirty minutes or so, she told him that and then some.
Shit so terrible he knew whenever he managed to fall asleep there would be nightmares about it.
Still, he did not show her his distress or disapproval for some of the things. He showed her understanding and support.
After nearly two hours of confession, there was a knock on Carl and Jagadamba's bedroom door.
Oh, thank God, Carl thought as the knock became more aggressive.
"Jag, I will answer it," he said hiding relief.
It was Boyardee. It was the first time he had ever been glad to see her.
"I need to talk to your babymama," she said rudely.
"She's my wife and I say you can't talk to her like that."
"I was talking to you like that. Not her."
"She's my wife and I am her husband. You have to respect that whether you want to or not. No babymama or babydaddy bullshit. It's hella disrespectful. And I know for a fact. You are better than that. She told me what you did. What you risked sneaking her food and water. You are not a bitch. So, stop pretending."
Looking mortified, Boyardee turned to Jagadamba and asked, "You told him ev-er-y-thing?"
"Yes."
"Wow. And you didn't run out the room stark, raving mad? Maybe there is something to you after all, Opie.
Anyway, the Pharaohs what to see you. They are taking about congregating in the church. They want to hear what our next move is."
"Our next move is whatever Rick's next move is. I am not in charge anymore."
"I tried telling them that. They didn't want to hear it. Especially Suchin and her faction. Probably something to do with the fact you told us to prepare," Boyardee hunched.
"I did so, so when they inevitably find us in the next couple days. Hopefully weeks- when they take half our shit that we still have some usable shit left. I didn't roar and rampage through three states to lose everything. My livestock. Our crops. The instruments, the state of the art sound equipment. My Gucci thigh high boots. They have real gemstones and gold thread in them. Oh, man," Jagadamba pouted. She did not want to lose everything she had worked so hard for. Again.
She continued with head in hand, "I am not, I am not up to speechifying right now. I literally have my own problems. Tell them we will meet tomorrow or two days from tomorrow. After my daughter and husband's dual b-days. Maybe. I just want to be alone with Carl and the rest of my family for awhile. I am so tired of doing stuff for other people all the time. Never anything just for me. Just by benefit of being a mom, it's not about me. Plus, it's my birthday. Fuck those guys. They can wait."
"My sentiments exactly," Boyardee said.
"Thanks."
"Oh, what do you want for dinner? You know we are throwing you one at Rick's place. Damn, he's hot. I just can't say that enough. That hair, those eyes, that ass and them legs. They're so bow, they make Jensen Ackles look straight legged."
Carl asked, "Who?"
"Dean Winchester on Supernatural. Jason Teague on Smallville. Alec on Dark Angel. The first Eric Brady. The second hottest man that ever lived. A real man. Come on, man. You gonna make me lose respect for you again."
"Only ever watched it those seven times Jag was on it. She played an evil archangel. Bartholomew? Right after her contract with Disney was up," Carl said.
"That's acceptable. I guess," Boyardee laughed.
"It was fun. Those guys were so super nice. Jsquared had both been teenaged actors themselves so they had a lot of good advice. Especially Jared. He loved to talk and laugh. Jensen was more introverted. Mischa was the shit. So kind and handsome. I am a sucker for blue eyes. Most of my scenes were with him. They even gave me their personal phone numbers. We got so do tight, I told them my real name," a flash of regret about the life she would never get to lead hit her hard. She swallowed it and said, "Anyway. Yeah, we will be at dinner. It would be rude not to show up at my own birthday party."
"Oh, before I forget. I heard about Priyanka. I don't what to say. It makes sense in a way. I guess. I am sorry," Boyardee said.
"I, uh, I don't want to talk about it."
"Fair. I see you later."
Jagadamba said nothing and stared down at the floor.
Boyardee left.
Jagadamba's bottom lip began to quiver.
"I am sorry tired of crying," she whimpered .
"It's okay to cry. Sometimes, it's all you can do."
"I thought I knew who I was. Daughter of two doctors who left a lot. Had a brother and a sis-"
She sat on the floor and looked every bit like a wilted daisy. He sat beside her. He had the caboodle box. He opened it and gave her the picture of the day she was born.
"Seventeen years ago today," he said before kissing her cheek.
She took it.
She examined the photo.
She recognized her infant self and the woman she thought her sibling her whole life.
She saw the way Priyanka looked at her. Like she loved her.
Jagadamba said in a voice barely audible, "Priyanka is my mother."
He said almost as softly, "You are not an orphan."
"She looks so young. Younger than me. She is so beautiful."
"You look her. But, you also look like him," he gave her the picture of Nimrod, too.
She cried when she saw him.
"I have seen this picture before. It's in my album. The one I won't let you see. I am duplicating it for your birthday. Sorry to spoil it."
"I got you and C.J. and the twins. Nothing is spoiled."
She half-smiled. She was still skeptical of his affections for her. She doubted everyone's.
"He was a cuter Achilles. His face is sweet. He looks Michonne. He even had dreads."
Carl shook like someone had walked over his grave when she said her name.
"He did," he said.
"When I see this picture and I think about everything. I can't put it together. When did she change? I felt loved by her. I did. I don't anymore. Not for sometime. Not since she took me away from you," she turned and put her arm around his neck.
"People make mistakes. Our parents made them and we will too."
"I killed a lot of people to protect C.J. I didn't tell you everything. He was already grooming her. He wanted to take advantage of the fact she craves male attention. You see how quickly she has taken to you."
"Yeah. I see the need like he did. I want to protect her and love her. Not perv out on her. I ,want her to know men are supposed to treat her the way I do with respect and kindness and love. I will never understand why do that to a child when there are so many willing adults? How evil and empty do you have to be to want to fuck a little kid? It's beyond sick. It's demonic."
"As someone who has experienced it twice. Very. And that's my quarrel, my real quarrel with Priyanka. She stopped protecting me. She counted on me to protect her instead. That is categorically unfair. I think about how she behaved during my son's funeral. After she gave birth. It like she was mocking me."
"I don't think she was. She feels guilty about Mohinder."
"She should."
"She said her shitty genes is the reason he was murdered. Since you inherited that from her side of the family."
"Seriously? So, she made it about her. Great."
"It is about her. You are her daughter."
"Hypocrite."
"How?"
"You're Rick's son. And you're constantly complaining about how everyone's making it about him. Going by what you just said to me, you owe your dad an huge apology."
Feeling a little a sentimental, Carl said, "Maybe I do."
"I don't owe her shit. Michonne said I shouldn't be angry. What the hell does she know?"
"What good will it do you? Nothing can be undone. Besides, she had no choice with Cort. He threatened to kill everyone but you. Even Carly-Jayne. And he was going to pass you around because I figure he figured he would have no one to answer to. For the second time in her life she was forced to give you away. I mean in a way, it kinda sucks being her. Somebody was always taking you away from her."
Jagadamba hadn't thought about that.
With a frog in her throat, she asked, "Why do you keep taking up for her? Did she blow you behind my back? I caught her doing that to Achilles once. She's a deep throater."
"Oh, God. Eww. Fuck, that is burned in my brain now. She's sort of my mom now. She's beautiful as all get out but hell, no. That is like accusing you of wanting my dad."
"He is downright pretty sometimes but I'd sooner cut my crotch out with a shard of glass. I have had enough middle aged dick to last me a lifetime. Well, until you get that old. Then all bets are off," she flicked his pierced ear. He winced.
"I am beginning to think you like hitting me."
"You know it makes you rock hard."
"So," he said smirking.
After a couple minutes in silence, she lied her head on his lap.
He caressed her hair and hummed how old are you?
She tapped his leg and said, "You still have not explained it to me. Why you are taking up for her."
"Because if I had your opportunity, I would seize it with both hands. And maybe my feet. Yes, she's a selfish, demanding, shady bitch. But, she is your selfish, demanding, shady bitch.
And for all purposes, she does love you. I mean think about it. She was always there. Never missed a birthday or a Christmas or a Valentine's as far as I know."
"No, she hasn't."
"Like, you said before, she always attended your award shows. Your recitals. She even moved here permanently to homeschool you when other kids made attending normal school impossible. Imagine how homesick she most get sometimes. She's English."
"She is extra British sometimes. Her accent gets so thick, I can barely understand what she is saying. Still, though. Why?"
"I am grateful to her. Your father, too. They made you. Since she is half of someone truly wonderful, how bad can she really be?"
Jagadamba let an honored little whelp.
"I love the symbolism of what you said. But, all bullshit aside -who am I? Cause I don't know. You seem to be full of wisdom today. Maybe you can tell me."
Carl took a moment to think about it.
He came up with a one word, "Mine."
"Yeah. I am not property."
"You are wrong. We both are. I belong to you and you belong to me. You are me. You're Mrs. Me. That is why you have my last name now. I asked and you accepted. You got to chose your name this time. A real marriage is better than being born. Because it a family you actually get to choose. Your parents are forced on you. I get why they say getting married is a type of death. Everything you were before doesn't really matter. You can make your own identity now. That's what we both should do. You're a Grimes now. Just focus on that. Don't let this beat you down. Don't over think it."
"They all lied to me."
"No. They all protected you."
Jagadamba sat up and looked at Carl skeptically. Michonne had basically told her the same thing.
"Did you really mean everything you just said to me?"
"With everything I got," he did mean it.
She hugged him hard before kissing him softly.
"Let's get into bed. I just need you to hold me. Please?" She asked.
He nodded and they got up.
She stripped down to her skivvies.
He followed suit.
They laid down. She put her head on his chest and her arm across his waist and snuggled him.
Ten minutes passed.
She was nearly sleep when she woke herself up to ask, "Wanna know why I got so angry with you the other day?"
"Yes."
"You were right about me being a slave to those monsters. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was also mentally, verbally, physically and psychologically abused. I am so ashamed of what happened to me. Some days more than others."
"It is not your fault. I can't say that enough."
"You're right. It's hers.
I know you and Michonne want me even forgive my Priyanka but it is difficult.
See, siblings are not always going to protect you; they are the ones that fuck you over usually. The Bible makes this clear in Genesis with Abel and Joseph. Hell, Moses and Ramses. They were raised as brothers.
So, there is a certain expectation of failure with sisters and brothers.
When I thought she was my sister, I had more or less forgiven her almost.
But, as a mom who actually did protect her kid. Shit. I protected Tomeka from having to consummate her marriage to that creep.. And she's not even my daughter. Not to mention Ana and Marco. They were hurting him, too. My mom gave me away."
"She had no choice."
"So she says. And top of that she knew how badly I wanted parents. She let me think they didn't love me enough to come home in time. But, they did. The last flight from England to the United States. Abraham and my Dad called in a favor and my Momma threw her money around. I have been thinking. This means Priyanka hacked their emails and changed them. The emails she showed me were false.
She intentionally took a detour so Achilles and I wouldn't discover her ruse. All this to supposedly tell me the truth? She never did. She still hasn't. Carly-Jayne and you and Glenn did. I know you want me to wipe the slate clean with her. But, I can't. It is not that simple. I avenged and protected my little ones. She can't claim the same."
"You are a better person than your bio mom. That almost goes without saying. But, you have to try."
"No, I don't."
"What do you have to lose?"
"Pride? My sanity."
"Babe, you never really had that to lose."
She punched him in the ribs.
"Ow. I do kinda like it when you hit me. But, seriously. She's your mom. And I admit my reasons are a bit selfish . You got a moment and I want one. Me and Priyanka have always gotten along. You need a dad. You and my Dad made a huge stride earlier. Together we can all be a real family. Nothing is better than that. Our children deserve nothing less."
Jagadamba couldn't argue with that.
Carl added, "The moment ever comes that she hurts you again. I will cut her ass down like a tree."
Jagadamba just looked at Carl with admiration.
She snuggled her head in the nook his chest and forearm.
She breathed him in and closed her eyes.
"Hmmm. Safe," she sighed smiling before quickly dozing off.
Carl held her tightly and felt closer to her than he ever had. He closed his eye and smiled.
He remembered the time before Michonne when he loved Jagadamba just because she was Jagadamba and not the niece of his heartbeat but when she was the heartbeat.
So, this made him wonder. Was it truly possible to be in love with two women? Could it be equal. And if not which one of them did he love the most?