She was poking around his closet one day when she found the fedora. She couldn't imagine an occasion where he'd wear such a thing, so she brought it with her to confront him in the living room.

"Where'd you get this?" she asked curiously, holding it out toward him.

He lowered the Haven Herald he'd been reading. A funny look crossed his face. "1955."

The thought of that did something funny to her stomach. "Must have been rather dashing," she said, trying to picture him wearing it.

"That was the general consensus."

His lips quirked, and she wanted to know what put that smile there. "You never told me what happened with Sarah," she said, trying to sound casual.

The tips of his ears went red as he rubbed at the back of his neck. "You kinda saw the gist of it."

"Yeah. And Howard making the Barn show us the two of you getting busy was not the best way that revelation could have gone."

"Sorry," he said as he squirmed a little.

She sighed. "I'm not mad. Considering all our problems, I can get over that. But I am curious. I've seen your moves, and it took almost a year for you to make any on me. So what made you jump the gun with Sarah?"

He studied her with a furrowed brow. "Sure you really want to hear this?"

She took a moment to consider. Sarah was a can of worms it often seemed better not to open. But they were running out of time to put things like this off. "Yeah, I really do."

He patted the sofa near where he was sprawled and she sat, worrying the brim of the hat between her fingers.

"I went to the Veteran's Hospital to find Stuart Mosley and Sarah found me at his bedside. She was so furious that I was disturbing her patient she grabbed me by the ear and dragged me out of there. I could hardly believe it. I knew Sarah would be in Haven at that time, and I knew she'd been you. I'd seen photos of Lucy. But to actually see her with my own eyes." He shook his head, and there was something about the fascination in his tone that made her want to snap at something. "Her hair was so red, and she had these tights curls and this southern accent. But her attitude … it was exactly the same as when I'd rescued you from that car and you pulled a gun on me. She wasn't taking crap from anyone, not even some tall stranger with a police badge. When I felt her pinch my ear it was all just incredible, and I told her so."

"You actually told her she was incredible," she said skeptically.

"Yep. Then I tried to leave but she told me I couldn't just call a girl incredible without explaining myself."

"So you explained yourself," she snapped, unable to keep the hurt from her tone.

She could see him tense up, but he didn't snap back. "All I'd wanted for weeks was to talk to you, but you'd kept pushing me away. Then there you were, eager to talk, and it was you, just without all the baggage. I was weak. So I agreed to meet you on the beach when your shift was over."

"Sarah," she corrected.

"You," he insisted. "It was you. The smile and the eyes and the personality. Different memories. Different experiences. But you. It was like I was entranced or something. My conscience was telling me to get the hell out of there but I couldn't pull myself away. Then you showed up with a blanket and a six-pack."

"How romantic."

His eyes narrowed. "Wasn't supposed to be romantic. Wasn't supposed to go as far as it did. Except we were already chasing after James so maybe it was. I don't know how all this cause and effect works. But there we were on the beach and you were just so unburdened."

"We had sex because I was unburdened?"

"You running commentary isn't helping," he growled. "Look, it wasn't some quick, dirty thing. It's just – when you first came to Haven you'd make stupid jokes and laugh at me and be shocked by all the quaint town traditions. Then after you found out you were Lucy and things got worse in town you became so serious. Once you got kidnapped you started pulling away. It'd been so long since I'd seen you happy. But Sarah didn't know any of that yet. She'd just come to Haven. She was telling me about being in the war and helping vets in DC. Even though I knew it had all happened to someone else I just wanted to keep listening to whatever she had to say, just to see her smile. I wished it was us on that beach. You and me. Laughing, with a couple of beers, just shooting the breeze. We were working together every day but I missed you. Then Sarah kept touching me. My hand, my face."

Audrey tried to imagine herself being so handsy the day she met Nathan – or anyone, really – and couldn't manage it. "That was pretty forward of her."

"Yeah. Know anyone else good at pushing boundaries?" He paused significantly and she had to give him that one. She shrugged, but she knew he was right. "Then she told me I was her first friend."

A spark of recognition coursed through her so strongly it was almost like an electric shock. "That's what I said—"

"—when Jess left. I know. Then she told me that on the front she'd learned to make the most of every minute she was given, and here we were together and all she could think was 'we have time.'" He reached out and grabbed her hand. "I wanted that to be true, so badly. Because all I wanted was more time with you. That's still all I want. But the Hunter was coming and I was losing you and I just wanted things to be different. Easy again. But I turned away because it suddenly felt wrong to be there with you when you had no idea what I'd become."

The phrase "We have time," was running through her head in a strange yet familiar accent, and she realized it was not the first time she'd heard it. Suddenly she didn't want him to just be telling her this story. She wanted to remember it.

"But you didn't turn away," she prompted.

"I started to. But then you said, 'Why do I always go for the shy ones—'"

Recognition blazed through her again. "I said the same thing when you wouldn't dance with me at your reunion."

"Yes. I told you, under the memories, you're really the same every time. And I couldn't bear to disappoint you. Just once, I didn't want to disappoint myself either. So I kissed you."

It was starting to make sense, logically, but she still didn't like it. "Show me," she ordered.

"What?"

She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "I want you to show me exactly how you kissed her."

"Why?"

"Because I want to remember."

Nathan shook his head. "Absolutely not. It's too dangerous. Last time you remembered something you ended up in the hospital. I shouldn't even be telling you this." He dropped her hand and scrambled off the couch, scowling.

But his logic rolled right over her. She'd made up her mind and wouldn't be swayed. She was so damn tired of people keeping secrets about her own life. She didn't want to put Nathan in the same category as Vince Teagues and Garland Wuornos. She crossed her arms and glared right back. "I don't want to be mad at you about this but I'm jealous. I'm jealous of myself, which makes no sense! Do you know how aggravating that is? But maybe I don't have to be. If I could remember what happened then maybe I could accept that me and Sarah are the same. I want to remember how our son was conceived. I want to remember the first time we made love. If I'm really Sarah, then those are my memories, and I want them back."

"I don't want to hurt you." She'd only ever heard that pleading tone in his voice when her welfare was on the line. As much as she was grateful for his protection, she couldn't let it hold them both back.

"It'll be all right," she said softly, letting her ire drain away. "The headaches weren't that bad when I remembered Lucy."

"That was only twenty some years ago, not fifty, and the doctor warned that any further trauma could be dangerous."

"If it starts to hurt, then we'll stop, I promise."

He heaved a heavy sigh. "Why are you always so willing to put yourself in danger?"

"Says the man who throws himself in front of guns and psychotic machines just because he can't feel it." She rolled her eyes. "Neither one of us are all that great at protecting ourselves. But this isn't about that. I need to understand how all these people I used to be affect who I am now, and since you have firsthand knowledge of that I need you to help me."

She stared him down, and could see the exact moment he relented. "I don't like this."

She grabbed his hand and tugged him back down to the couch. "I know." She ran a hand over his hair before dropping the hat in place. It really did look quite dapper, drawing attention to his cheekbones and the blueness of his eyes. "Now kiss me, you time traveling stud," she said in her best Southern accent.

He made a face. "Sarah didn't sound like that. And I wasn't wearing the hat at the time."

She smirked. "Keep it on. It'll help us get into character."

"Can't believe we're doing this," he muttered, but then his hands were on either side of her face and he was kissing her like he was drowning in it, a desperate man whose thirst hadn't been quenched in far too long. She realized that's what he'd been then – lost, yearning, knowing what he wanted but not how to get it. She tried to imagine how Sarah must have felt to have a near stranger kiss her like that. The rush of power that would come over her. Except she wouldn't know that she was the only one in her decade that could make him respond like this. She opened her mouth to him and he took full advantage, tilting her head to get better access, and she moaned in the back of her throat, unable to stop herself. She understood now, after a kiss like that, how things had gone as far as they did.

"Wow," she raved when he pulled away, and his eyes narrowed.

"That's what she said."

"That's cause that was some kiss. What happened next?"

Then he was kissing her again, and it was softer, familiar, more like he kissed her now, and when he broke from her mouth his lips traveled across her jaw and down her neck to linger at the hollow of her throat.

"Okay," she hummed, finding it hard not to get lost in the moment.

"You said, 'There's something different about you, stranger. I've never had a man kiss me like he knew me when we'd met that afternoon.'" His voice took on a strange tone as he said it, soft and fond, as if he was trying to mimic the gist of her accent but not the specifics.

"Then?" she asked, her throat dry.

"Then you touched my face."

"Like this?" She ran the backs of her fingers across it slowly, tracing his brow, his chin, his cheekbones, watching the way it made his eyes flutter shut and something inside him relax, before finally tracing his lips with the pad of her thumb.

He swallowed. "Just like that."

"And then?"

"Then you started unbuttoning my shirt."

Anticipation coiled in her stomach as she followed his directions. She'd always known where this was going but she hadn't expected it to affect her so strongly. But she could almost feel Sarah's nerves, the rush of this unexpected encounter coupled with some strange relief that this was finally happening.

He gently grabbed her wrist. "Not here."

"It's your couch, Nathan. The door's locked. I think we'll be okay."

Something flashed in his eyes as he shook his head. "Not here on the beach."

"Oh." She couldn't tell what was real and what was the game anymore, and that unsettled and excited her simultaneously.

"Tell me your car isn't far."

She giggled, and she wasn't sure where such a girly sound came from. "My car's right down the road. Maybe we can take this there?"

"Yeah," he breathed and she laughed and this time it was definitely Audrey, because his lack of smoothness had always amused her, made him more genuine.

"We can really take this to the car," she whispered, and he went adorably crimson.

"Uh," he stuttered. "I'd rather stay here."

"Fine. What happens next?"

"Climb into my lap."

"Yes sir."

He led her through the motions, but half the time she knew what he'd suggest, because it was exactly the way she'd respond. They spent a long time kissing, as if he was thrilled by that but frightened to go any further. But once she spread her hands across his chest he moved his to her shoulders, pushing the fabric away. "This was easier when you were in a dress," he grumbled.

She laughed, but he grew bolder now and it stole her breath as he eased her back onto the couch and continued with their foreplay. He slid her jeans down her legs, kissing a line across her thighs, his tongue swirling circles against her skin. His eyes were so dark with lust, and she knew he'd done this countless times now but she tried to imagine how it would be the first time, stuck in his world of numbness for so long, finally alive and feeling. He reached out to touch her face, mirroring the pattern she'd traced on his own earlier. Then he uttered a single word, soft and sweet like a caress. "Sarah."

With a blaze of clarity she could feel the leather of the seat beneath her, smell the ocean in the air, hear the gulls and feel the sunlight. She was Sarah Vernon, caught up with a handsome stranger in the most magical moment of her life, and she knew what came next.

"No one's ever said my name like that." The accent was strange in her ears, but it was also perfectly natural.

"No one's ever felt this way." Then his eyes widened and he seemed to come back to himself. "That's exactly what Sarah said."

"I know. I remember," Audrey panted.

The illusion waivered as he pressed a hand to her forehead. "You all right? How's your head? We should stop."

She felt none of the side effects of her previously recovered memories. But need was swirling through her like a twister, amplified by the two women waiting inside her head, a different part of her anatomy threatening to combust. "Don't you dare, Wuornos," she demanded. "I'm fine. But I won't be if you don't make love to me right now."

"Bossy," he countered fondly, and that wasn't how the script went. But then he was moving inside her, both of her, and there was only him, her constant through the ages.

Afterward he grabbed the afghan from the top of the couch and wrapped it around them, even though they were still half clothed. He pressed his head into the crook of her shoulder, and she could remember him doing it, both with Sarah and the first time he'd made love to Audrey.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked.

She gazed up at him, their bodies still pressed together and the hormones still flowing through their veins. "Think it's impossible to be mad at you at the moment." Her body was sated, but her mind was also uncharacteristically calm. She thought back over what she had just experienced, and the entire memory was there now, from the moment she'd seen him in the hospital. Beneath the undeniable attraction – good Lord, that hat – there was an inexplicable familiarity that made less sense to Audrey than it did to Sarah. She knew why Nathan found Sarah familiar. But even though their futures were entwined, why would that extend before their first meeting?

But it was mostly that familiarity that had prompted Sarah to let things get so far. She was all about seizing the moment, but she had a good head on her shoulders and she rarely let a moment evolve to that particular conclusion. As a nurse, she knew full well the potential consequences of such a tryst. But the way he'd looked at her, the way he'd leaned into her touch, she just hadn't cared.

"I did seduce you," she hummed, smiling at the memory.

"I didn't put up much of a fight."

And he hadn't, really, but that was all right. She did understand better now that she'd been Sarah. Now that she recalled every toe-curling detail, she found it impossible to fault him for it.

"I'm not mad. You always know how to take care of me." Her voice dropped, making the simple statement lascivious.

"I aim to please," he quipped.

She laughed against his chest. "That you do."

He was still wearing the hat, though it was wildly askew. She straightened it, smiling at his feigned consternation.

"So you remember all of it?"

"Yep. Not everything about Sarah," she clarified. "Just our little backseat tryst and what led up to it."

"And you really feel fine? No headache?" He brushed the hair back from her forehead, lingering.

"I feel better than fine. Best way to recover lost memories, hands down."

"I hope that won't work on too many of them." He paused, seemingly to realize what he said. "I'm sorry. That's selfish of me."

She shrugged. "It's all right. I don't exactly like the thought of there being a bunch of people still running around Haven that one of my former selves were involved with. That's one of the reasons I wasn't madder when I found out about James. If my former self had a kid, I'd rather you be the father than Vince or Dave or someone I may have passed on the street and not even known. I just wish I'd found out differently."

"I didn't know how to tell you." Pressed together on the couch there was no way for him to distance himself from her, but she could tell he wanted to. "Once I got back to Haven it felt like I'd betrayed your trust. I'd been with you without asking and I couldn't stand the thought of you hating me for that. We weren't talking much anyway, so I just kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry."

"I know," she said with a sigh. "I don't like it much, but I get it. We both have a lot to be sorry for. It's a good thing the makeup sex is pretty phenomenal."

He huffed a loud breath through his nose. "Yeah."

She wished she could spend the rest of the day like this, but they had plans with James later and she had to go see Chris to look at some photos he'd taken when he went back to Ms. Nightingale's collection. He made her feel so content. In any incarnation, apparently.

That idea took hold and wouldn't let her go. "What if I'd come out of the Barn this time as someone else?" She pushed herself up on her elbow so she could see him better. "What if instead of Audrey Parker I'd been … I don't know … a bartended named Lexie?"

He frowned. "What's Lexie like?"

She considered it. "She's more carefree. From somewhere out west … Arizona, maybe? She's … sexy. Long hair. Tight clothes. A little bit slutty. And she makes a mean Screaming Orgasm."

"What?" he choked, and she laughed at his mortification.

"It's a drink. Didn't you go to college?"

"Not the same one as you, apparently."

Her laughter faded, the situation getting less and less funny the more she thought about it. "How would you have felt about her?"

"Parker." He reached up to pull her back against him but she resisted.

"Just answer me, Nathan."

"I wanted you to be the one to come out of that Barn, Audrey. I used to have nightmares that you wouldn't. Even though there was no precedent for you staying the same I prayed for that, every night – and I don't even believe God cares. I wanted you to come back you, with your tough girl attitude and your blond hair and all the memories of everything we'd been through together. I wanted my partner, my friend. I am so grateful, each and every day, that you're here with me now."

She blinked stupid, girly tears out of her eyes. "And if I wasn't?"

She could see how much the idea of that pained him, and it helped, somehow. "It would depend on what this Lexie person was like. But if she was anything like you – and history seems to suggest that she would be – if she was brave, and strong, and didn't put up with any of my crap, and was willing to help the Troubled, whatever it took – then I think, as long as you came back after a few years instead of a few decades and I wasn't old and kind of creepy, that I wouldn't have been able to help falling in love with you again."

His words took root in her heart and swelled, pressing on her lungs. "I would have missed Audrey, and I would have hoped that she could remember you somehow, but I wouldn't have been able to turn my back on whoever you were now. I'd want to find a way to keep you safe, and in Haven, with me. I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth."

She collapsed against him, wrapping her arms around him and holding tight.

"Are you upset?"

She shook her head against his chest. "I dunno. Not at you," she assured. "I don't like not understanding who I am. Even as we fill in the pieces it just gets more confusing."

"I know who you are."

Her heart fluttered the same way it had the first time he'd said those words to her. He'd always been her rock, giving her strength when she had none left of her own.

"What were you going to say that day? You never finished your sentence." She had an idea, but she'd always wondered.

"Because of you I can face each day, knowing someone's got my back. Knowing you're watching out for the people of Haven, doing everything possible to help them, and the least I can do is help you with that."

"You're pretty good at that."

"You helped me too. Long before you ever touched me. You didn't let me wallow. Reminded me how to smile. Gave me a purpose."

"Helping the Troubled?"

"Loving you."

She blushed and pushed at his shoulder. "You're such a sap."

He smiled at her, unbothered. "Your curse was that none of the curses could touch you. You were a witness to the damage Morgan did, and you just wanted to help, and the only way to do it was to sacrifice yourself, again and again. All those identities the couple in the Barn gave you … they were coping mechanisms, to try to protect you from all that pain you couldn't stop."

But that was exactly what she found most troubling. She knew Audrey's memories before Haven weren't her own but she still clung to them, because as unhappy as most of them were she liked who they'd made her into, all the little quirks that made her the woman lying there in Nathan's arms. She didn't want that to be just a construct. "I like Audrey Parker."

"So do I." He punctuated the statement with a kiss. "The Barn's gone. She'll always be there now, and I'm glad. But you don't need to be afraid of who you are underneath that. I'm not."

"But I am. I'm terrified. You didn't read that journal. She was so hopeless, Nathan. And he hurt her so badly, whoever he was."

"I'm not him." His fingers wrote promises on her skin, starting at her hands and sweeping upwards. "And I'm not letting anyone hurt you like that. This time, whatever happens, you're not alone."

She nodded, unable to contradict him about this when his determination was so evident. She didn't mention how alone she'd be if the Guard forced her to kill him, or if something else unexpected happened. She wanted him to promise her this, because if some tragic moment came she wanted him to mean it.

He kissed her almost lazily, and then he gazed down at her with admiration. "There's a Seadogs game this afternoon. We should take James. We can introduce him to one of Haven's finest traditions."

She didn't care much for baseball, but she cared plenty for her boys, and she figured the other spectators would probably be too wrapped up in the game to care too much about the scandal of her and Nathan being out together.

Spending a day out in the sunlight with them both felt like just what she needed.

Obviously none of this is season 4 compliant. (How I wish Audrey's past was actually something like this in canon!) Also, I'm getting really nervous about the end of this season. Can we get a renewal notice, please? Because if Haven ends with next episode, I'm afraid I might have a stroke.

Huge shout out to Kcp2833 for being such a consistent reviewer. Thank you so much for always letting me know what you think!