A/N: I don't own anything. I'm just fuckin' with the 'verse.
Rated M for a reason. Please don't read if you're not at least 18.
I love RemyKilday.
Much love and hugs to HammerHips, my Schwoogie-Muffin.
Chapter 25: With The Wind Comes The Rain
Darkness, depression
A wind of thought flows through my mind
With it comes aggression
Peace I cannot find
I try to control my feelings
I burst out crying
My life is peeling
I wish that I was dying
Darkness, depression
A wind of thought flows through my mind
With it comes aggression
Peace I cannot find
With the wind comes the rain
With the wind comes the rain
With the wind comes the rain
With the wind comes the rain...
-"With The Wind Comes The Rain" by Godsend
Jasper POV
After Sage woke me up that morning, I hadn't been able to get back to sleep. Grimacing, I sat up and took a look around my room. She was right. Considering the neat-freaks we both were, this was pretty damn bad.
I hauled myself out of bed and into the shower, scrubbing myself clean, then I shaved and dressed before tackling the mess. Most of it was easy. It wasn't like I was Peter… Peter would eat something in bed, set the plate aside and leave it until it had grown hair and he had to name it.
No. I'm definitely not as bad as Peter.
I didn't know how Charlotte dealt with that.
By the time Sage came back, I had it under much better control. "Hey." I greeted as she leaned in my doorway. "How's shit?"
She gave me a quavering smile and I could tell that although the tears had long since stopped, she'd been crying at some point.
"Better." She answered and her voice was hoarse.
I stared at her for a moment. "How's Michael?" her face fell and she moved to lay on my bed, her knees bent and legs dangling over the end. "Oh."
Color me happy.
With one of those big fuckin' boxes of crayons… the 120 count.
"It was just… time." She sighed. I laid down with my feet toward the head of the bed, my head next to hers.
"How'd he take it?"
She shrugged. "Well, I guess… all things considered. I told him it wasn't working… he kissed me goodbye… and I left."
"Do you regret it?" I asked, turning my head so that the tip of my nose grazed her cheek.
"No… and yes…" she rolled her eyes. "I regret that I hurt him… repeatedly… but it wasn't right and I don't regret cutting him loose so he can find that girl who can be everything he needs."
I nodded. "Makes sense." And then a thought struck me. "You were safe, right?"
"Jazz!" she whined.
"Seriously! I mean, you don't want to cut him loose only to find out a month or so down the line—"
"We didn't have sex, Jasper." She cried, face red. I couldn't tell if she was embarrassed we were discussing her sex life or embarrassed that she was still a virgin.
Regardless, it shocked me into relative silence. "Oh." And then I cocked an eyebrow. "I thought—"
"We just fooled around." She groaned. "Jazz, please… This is weirding me out." She reached up and unconsciously threaded her fingers in my hair. It was a gesture she rarely used, but one that I knew brought her comfort. It brought me comfort too. Sage touching me in any way always brought me comfort.
I closed my eyes and smiled, reaching up and imitating her. "I missed this." I murmured.
"Me too." She took a deep breath. "What time is it? I'm starving."
"Lunch time." I answered and rolled away and off the bed. "The usual?"
She smirked. "Duh."
I rolled my eyes. "Pick out a movie. I'll go order us up some grub."
We spent the rest of the day watching old Liz Taylor movies and spooning the way we did before Alice and Michael got in the way, falling asleep in the early evening and not waking until the next morning.
For some reason, waking up with Sage still in my arms felt like a new beginning, a fresh start for us. It was a way for us to leave behind all the bullshit of the past six months and move on, be better friends for it.
Smiling, I buried my face in her sweet smelling hair. It was the first time in weeks that I had held her or hugged her and she didn't smell of traces of Michael's aftershave.
Pure bliss… she smells like her again.
"Jas, are you smelling me?" came a whiny groan from the pillow next to me.
I smirked into her hair. "Yeah. I like the scent of your shampoo."
"You're so weird." She rolled over and peered at me from under her bangs. "So… you're birthday's coming up." She lifted her head and propped it up on her elbow. "Anything you wanted to do?"
I shrugged. "Thought we might go up to Napa."
She smiled. "I'd like that."
"Good. I wasn't actually giving you a choice." I snarked.
"Fuck you, Whitlock." She groaned and rolled out of bed, stretching as she went. She reached her arms up over her head and bent so far backward she created a sort of rounded L out of her body. I winced when her hips, back, and shoulders popped. "Oh, fuck me sideways, that felt good." She rasped out through the constricted muscles.
"That's so fucking gross, Sage." I moaned. "I hate it when you do that."
She laughed. "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe that's why I do it? To watch you cringe."
"Bitch." I ground out, rolling onto my back and stretching. "So… Are we heading to Lompoc next week?"
"Yeah… I mean, I'd like to." She scowled. "Emmett still doesn't like me going down there."
"He giving you shit about it still?" I practically snarled.
"No… he just… doesn't speak to me for a few days after we come back."
I shook my head and rolled out of bed. "Sweetie, you need to not let him get to you."
"I know." She grumbled quietly then yawned. "Shower time." She walked into the bathroom, closed and locked the door behind her, and I heard the shower switch on.
My phone rang then and I checked the Caller ID: Peter.
"Fucker." He greeted before I'd even had a chance to say "Hello".
"Asshole." I answered back.
"So she's finally rid of the Power Tool. You must be ecstatic."
How the hell does he know this shit?
"I take it Sage called Char then?"
"No. I just got this niggling in the back of my brain that says she dropped the Power Tool like a bad habit and your way is free and clear."
I rolled my eyes. "One, she's sad over it. I think she really cared about him. Two, I'm not gonna move in when she's been single for all of twenty hours."
There was a noise that sounded like a raspberry and then, "Please! I moved in on Char before that dick Alistair was even out the fuckin' door! Well… Of course I did, she left him for me, but that's not the point. The point is—"
"The point is that I will do this my way." I cut him off. "Now back off, Fucker."
"Well excuse the fuck outta me. Fuckin' Emily Post needs to make a house call, apparently, because you ain't got no manners to speak of."
I snorted. "Coming from you, that's a compliment. Oh… we wanted to come up next week."
"We could have lives you know… We could be going out of town or—"
"Peter! Stop being an ass or I won't give you that blowjob later!" Charlotte's voice resounded in the background.
"Shit, Baby, that ain't right!" he cried, then sighed. "Fine. We'll see you next week… for your birthday."
I'd scheduled my one week of vacation from the ranch to coincide with my birthday simply because I'd been working on my birthday for the past three years and it was time for a break. Rosalie had wanted to do a big dinner in the same fashion as Sage's, but I wasn't interested.
We would leave for Napa on Monday; my birthday was on Wednesday; and on Friday, we were set to drive straight down to Lompoc. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Emmett hadn't been thrilled in the least.
He and I had a chat Sunday evening. Apparently he was glad Sage's relationship had ended, he'd felt it had been moving too quickly. All I could do was internally smirk. He'd never bothered to speak to Sage about her relationship with Michael, let alone the breakup. All he knew was third-hand… from me to Rose and Rose to him.
I'd suggested maybe he should show a genuine interest in Sage's relationships if he wanted to weigh in on them, but he'd simply pulled a face.
Monday morning, however, did not go as planned at all. I awoke to screaming and shouting at quarter to six and groaned. The shouting was getting closer and I rolled my eyes, climbed out of bed, and strode to my bedroom door.
"You need to just fucking let it go! Stop reopening the wounds! You don't fucking get anything out of going down there!"
"It's my choice! If I want to have a relationship with Dad, it's up to me! You don't have a right to—" Sage was cut off by a loud thud as something slammed into something else followed by a yelp and I yanked my door open, fearing I'd allowed him to manhandle Sage in my reluctance to butt-in.
Sage was backed against the far wall of our sitting room, Emmett blocking her way to her bedroom, his fist lost in a hole in the drywall of our hallway.
"Emmett, back up and off her now or I will drop you where you stand." I warned quietly.
"Fuck off, Jasper." He grunted over his shoulder.
"No. You just fuckin' put a hole in the wall and you've got your sister scared again."
He made a psht sound in the back of his throat before saying, "I only did what you always do when you want to get her attention. Seems to work great for you."
"I smack a palm against something, I don't fuckin' punch anything! And I only do it when she's keeping shit from me!" I cried defensively.
I'd developed the habit when Rosalie and I were kids. When she was in charge of babysitting me, I was often left to my own devices because she never wanted to be responsible for me. Whenever I'd ask her when Mom would be home, she'd blow me off. I'd learned quickly that a sharp slap to any hard surface would generally catch her off-guard enough to make her pay attention. It was a reflex to do it with Sage when she was blowing me off or holding things back, but right then, with Emmett comparing it to him punching a wall, I felt sick for doing it.
"Right." He scoffed. He cocked his head back toward Sage and removed his fist from the wall. "Now you listen good, Sage Anne. I've entertained this bullshit for too long. You waste money and gas and time going down there to see some guy who didn't care enough about you to stop drinking."
"He's always cared about me." She whispered, so low I almost didn't hear her, but there were tears in her eyes.
I heard Emmett suck his teeth a moment. "Who walked you to school every day? I did. Who beat up Gavin Truesdale when he pushed you down in the dirt on the playground? I did. Who read to you each night and woke you up each morning and fixed you breakfast and helped you pick out your school clothes? I did."
"Emmett, I was six!" she cried.
"Who went out and bought your first box of tampons for you? I—"
She cut him off immediately. "Amelia Aro." I did a double-take on that one, but let it be.
He brushed it off. "Fine. Second."
"Rosalie Hale." She answered again. "Just because you were there doesn't mean you actually participated." She ground out. "You don't get to decide that because you've occasionally done a selfless act and taken care of me that you get to call Brother on me. He's my dad, even if you don't want him. He's proud of me when you're not; he's happy for me when you're not; and he's just generally happy to see me, even when you're not. Even when he was drinking, I know he loved me. And I've never been a burden to him."
Emmett's back and shoulders tensed. "You're not a burden." He whispered.
Sage scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Right." She imitated the tone he'd taken with me perfectly. It had to be a McCarty thing, because sure as I breathe, Rose and I couldn't muster that much disdain, loathing, and sarcastic "Fuck-Off-ishness" (Sage's word, not mine) into just one word.
"Sage, why would you—" he began, but she shook her head.
"You don't get to ask that, Emmett. You lost the right to get an answer to the question during that Family Session with Carmen."
He inhaled sharply. "So let's try it again… have another."
"I don't want to!" she yelled so suddenly we both gave a start. It wasn't whiny, it wasn't petulant, but it expressed exactly how she felt. "I don't care if I ever fix shit with you anymore! You don't listen to me, you don't care what I say or how I feel or what I think! You never will! So why the hell would I want to fix shit?" she didn't wait for an answer as she stormed back to her room and slammed the door. I heard the lock click.
Now, Emmett's usually pretty perceptive with our traveling between each other's rooms through the bathroom, but he either didn't care or didn't notice the light padding moving across tile behind the wall. I, on the other hand, heard it perfectly. I also heard my closet door open, something shift, a soft thwump, and the door closed softly again.
"Just go, Emmett." I muttered. "I'm tired of you fightin' her on this. Seeing your dad has been good for her. I'm not doing this with you again."
I turned on my heel and headed back into my room, locking the door as I went. As I looked around, Sage was nowhere to be seen. I half-expected her to be curled up under my down comforter. It was her favorite hiding spot whenever Emmett was being a dick.
There was a soft humming sound coming from the direction of my closet. Raising an eyebrow, I strode over and opened the door. Sage was sitting at the bottom, one of my old BDU jackets wrapped around her shoulders. She'd slumped down into it so that half her face was obscured by the jacket, her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be talking to herself.
"Sage?" I asked. She ignored me and continued murmuring quietly to herself. I knelt down next to her. "Sage?" her eyes squeezed shut even tighter and she tensed so much that her muscles began to spasm. I leaned forward, pressing my ear to her cheek so that I could hear what she was saying.
"I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place…" over and over and over and over.
I inhaled sharply, wrapped my arms around her, and scooped her up. She never broke the rhythm of her mantra as I carried her quickly to my bed and sat down with her.
"… not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place."
I pressed a quick kiss to Sage's forehead and held her tightly. "Don't go to the Dark Place, Sweetheart. Come back here and be with me." I whispered.
"I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place."
"Please, Sage. Please, don't do this." I stroked her hair and she sunk even deeper into the jacket. "Sweetie, please?" I begged.
Her eyes sprang open at that and found mine immediately. Her face crumpled as I pulled the camouflage off her and tucked her head under my chin. "Jasper…" she sobbed, fisting my shirt.
Sage POV
Jasper and I hadn't intended to leave for Napa until 10AM, but I'd woken up early and couldn't get back to sleep. Of course Emmett had been up making coffee. I'd forgotten it was his Monday to go into work early. And of course, as soon as I smelled the liquid caffeine, I'd bee-lined up the stairs for the coffee pot.
"You're up early." I froze momentarily before turning slowly away from the coffee pot to find Emmett watching me with a quirked eyebrow. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."
"Uh… yeah…" I mumbled, turning back to the coffee pot. I pulled down a mug and poured myself a cup of coffee before turning to the sideboard and picking up Jasper's pack of cigarettes. Emmett rolled his eyes, but said nothing as I padded out to the patio.
"Sage, can we talk?" he asked, stepping out after me.
I took a long drag to buy myself time before I answered. "Uh… sure." I exhaled slowly, blowing the smoke away from Emmett. "What's on your mind?"
Emmett considered me for a long time before he finally answered. "Do you need to be medicated again?" I cocked an eyebrow at him and gave him a sidelong glance before turning my attention back to my cigarette.
I hadn't actually meant to pick up the habit as heavily as I had. It used to be that I could go weeks or even months without a smoke, but the worse things got with Emmett, the more confusing they got with Jasper, and the more depressing they got with the Me in my head, I found I was needing nicotine more and more to take the edge off. I started every morning with coffee and a cigarette now. I frequently bought cartons of cigarettes to replace the packs out of Jasper's stash that I was constantly stealing.
"Now why would you ask that, Emmett Wade?" I sighed, not bothering to look at him as I took another drag.
"Because I think you're slipping." He answered honestly. I could tell he was worried. I could tell it had taken everything in him to leave me alone while I sorted through my feelings for Michael and that Jasper was at least partially responsible for Emmett backing off. But he obviously hadn't missed that I had not appeared for meals, that I was dropping weight, that I was tired.
I shrugged. "It's nothing a few sessions with Carmen won't fix." I answered nonchalantly, stubbing out the cigarette and lighting another. I'd need more nicotine if I was adding Emmett to the morning mix.
"I don't believe that, Sage Anne."
"I didn't ask you to."
He sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. "Sage, I'm only trying to help."
"Somehow, I doubt that." I snarked, trying to hold back a laugh and inadvertently choking on smoke.
"I think you should stop going to see Dad." I didn't respond. "I mean it."
"I appreciate your opinion and will place it in the Round File." I answered, taking another drag.
His brow furrowed. "The Round File?"
I nodded. "Yup." I exhaled more smoke and nodded to the large economy-sized trash can at the edge of the deck. "The Round File."
Emmett's eyes darkened immediately, but I didn't care.
Unfortunately for everyone, including me, I was Not Caring about a lot of things these days. It seemed that along with my revelation that I did not care for, could not care for, would never care for Michael, came the revelation that it was quite possible I cared for very little indeed.
Except Jasper.
Yes, except him.
Moving on.
"I wasn't asking." He replied harshly.
"Glad I didn't assume you were."
Oh yes… I forgot how much fun our early morning, pre-sixth cup of coffee fights could be…
I think Uncle Charlie once threatened to lock us in the Forks PD for a weekend.
Oh… wait… he did that. That wasn't a threat.
It also wasn't fun.
I sighed and took another drag. "I'm not asking for permission because I don't need it. I don't particularly care what you think. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it. As it stands, I don't and I'm not." I winced as Emmett's palm immediately slammed down onto the railing.
Oh wow. Channel Jasper much?
At least when Jasper does it, I don't actually fear that my face is next.
I watched surreptitiously and took the last drag before stubbing out the cigarette. I knew it was coming, I just had to wait for it…
Wait for it…
Wait for…
"You will not go down to Lompoc anymore."
There we go.
"OK." I answered off-handedly.
"I mean it!" he growled.
"OK." I answered again. I took up my mug, turned on my heel and headed back inside. I placed my mug in the sink and headed back toward the basement door, only to be stopped abruptly by Emmett's hand on my shoulder, spinning me around so quickly I lost my balance and toppled to the floor. "Ow, Emmett! What the hell was that for?" I yelled.
"Stop being such a bitch and actually listen to me! Do you think I do this shit for my health? Do you think I get some sort of sick pleasure out of having to take care of you and boss you around and parent you? You're nineteen years old and I'm entirely too young to be a parent to a teenager!" he screamed back. He took a deep breath and held out his hand to me, but I slapped it away and stood on my own.
"I think you get off on having some degree of control over me! I think you've been bossing me around so long you don't know how to stop!" I recoiled quickly and threw up my arms to shield my face as Emmett's hand flew back, but he caught himself in time.
"I think you're ungrateful. And I think that if Dad knew the whole story, knew about your depression, your need to be medicated, he'd be with me on this."
Oh fuck no.
He did not just use my occasional need for the odd happy pill.
"Fuck you." I grumbled.
"What was that?" he asked angrily.
"FUCK YOU, EMMETT WADE MCCARTY! FUCK. YOU!" I screamed before turning on my heel and storming down the stairs.
"You need to just fucking let it go! Stop reopening the wounds! You don't fucking get anything out of going down there!" he yelled, thundering down the stairs after me.
I stopped in the sitting room.
Bad.
Fucking.
Move.
Emmett placed himself at the mouth of the hallway, blocking me from getting to my room.
"It's my choice! If I want to have a relationship with Dad, it's up to me! You don't have a right to—" I raged back, but he cut across me when he punched the wall and his fist embedded itself in the sheetrock. I gave an involuntary yelp just as Jasper's bedroom door whipped open and he stalked out.
"Emmett, back up and off her right now or I will drop you where you stand." Jasper snarled.
"Fuck off, Jasper." Emmett grunted.
"No. You just fuckin' put a hole in the wall and you've got your sister scared again."
Emmett made a sound in the back of his throat and lazily replied, "I only did what you always do when you want to get her attention. Seems to work great for you."
"I smack a palm against something, I don't fuckin' punch anything! And I only do it when she's keeping shit from me!" Jasper yelled.
"Right." He scoffed. He looked back at me and removed his hand from the wall. "Now you listen good, Sage Anne. I've entertained this bullshit for too long. You waste money and gas and time going down there to see some guy who didn't care enough about you to stop drinking."
"He's always cared about me." I whispered, fighting back the tears that were threatening to escape.
Emmett's eyes narrowed at me and he asked, "Who walked you to school every day? I did. Who beat up Gavin Truesdale when he pushed you down in the dirt on the playground? I did. Who read to you each night and woke you up each morning and fixed you breakfast and helped you pick out your school clothes? I did."
"Emmett, I was six!" I yelled.
"Who went out and bought your first box of tampons for you? I—"
"Amelia Aro." I answered before he could claim it.
It was the truth. I'd gotten my first period the second day we were in Galveston. I'd been completely freaked out because, let's face it, Uncle Charlie and my brother weren't going to discuss it with me and Bella hadn't yet gotten hers. Amelia had found me sobbing in the bathroom at two AM. I thought I was hemorrhaging or had developed Ovarian Cancer at the tender age of twelve. She'd gone straight out to the all-night pharmacy and bought me pads and tampons and taught me how to use them. It wasn't nearly as embarrassing as it could've been, though it was pretty bad.
He brushed it off. "Fine. Second."
"Rosalie Hale." I answered again. "Just because you were there doesn't mean you actually participated." I growled. "You don't get to decide that because you've occasionally done a selfless act and taken care of me that you get to call Brother on me. He's my dad, even if you don't want him. He's proud of me when you're not; he's happy for me when you're not; and he's just generally happy to see me, even when you're not. Even when he was drinking, I know he loved me. And I've never been a burden to him."
Emmett tensed at my words. "You're not a burden." He whispered.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Right." I imitated his tone with Jasper.
"Sage, why would you—" he began, but I cut him off with a shake of my head.
"You don't get to ask that, Emmett. You lost the right to get an answer to the question during that Family Session with Carmen."
It was the truth. We hadn't even made it ten minutes without him berating me, telling me how I should be grateful to have a brother who was looking out for me; how I should be thankful because not all brothers cared; how I should stop pitting Jasper and he against each other.
Just the previous week, Carmen had given me a quirky little funny statement to work with and remind me of how to handle my issues: "Don't let anyone should all over you."
I remember very clearly thinking that it applied to the situation perfectly.
He took a deep breath. "So let's try it again… have another."
"I don't want to!" I yelled so sharply both men gave a start. "I don't care if I ever fix shit with you anymore! You don't listen to me, you don't care what I say or how I feel or what I think! You never will! So why the hell would I want to fix shit?" I didn't wait for an answer, instead marching to my room and slamming and locking the door. I didn't stay put though.
I couldn't.
I quietly walked through the bathroom and into Jasper's room.
I wanted to hide.
And I remembered that feeling. The wanting to hide.
To be invisible. Truly, completely invisible.
Not invisible in the sense that my brother only noticed me when it suited him.
Not invisible in the sense that I was unpopular with kids at school.
I wanted to be invisible in the sense that I wasn't here. On Earth. At all.
Jasper was still in the hall with Emmett. I needed him, but I needed to hide too. I opened his closet quietly, shifted a suitcase over to the side and sat down in the corner before closing the door again. I raked my hand through his shirts and coats until I found one of the forest green standard issue BDU jackets he'd kept. I recognized it immediately because I'd written my initials in permanent marker on the inside seam of the left arm. He'd worn that exact BDU jacket to his Basic Graduation.
I yanked it down off the hanger and wrapped it around me, pulling it tight and sinking down into it before closing my eyes.
"I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place."
Somewhere in the distance, I heard the bedroom door open, and then the closet door, but it wasn't really registering in my attempts to keep grips on my sanity.
"I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place."
"Sage?" Jasper sounded so far away. "Sage?"
"I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place."
I felt something press against my cheek, soft and cool, and there was the sensation of my stomach dropping as he hoisted me into the air.
"I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place."
Something warm and soft touched my forehead and then I heard, "Don't go to the Dark Place, Sweetheart. Come back here and be with me."
"I will not go to the Dark Place. I will not go to the Dark Place." In my head, I was screaming it. I couldn't understand how Emmett hadn't pounced on me for this. He knew what any mention of the Dark Place meant… but Emmett wasn't here and he wasn't pouncing. Jasper was here. He was holding me. He was begging me not to go to the Dark Place.
"Please, Sage. Please, don't do this. Sweetie, please?"
I opened my eyes and immediately locked onto Jasper's. My bottom lip trembled and tears sprang to my eyes again. Before I could stop him, he'd yanked the jacket away from me and crushed me to his chest, tucking my head under his chin.
I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and let the sobs rip through my chest. "Jasper…"
End Note: Leave me a review, I'll send you a teaser