AN: Thanks go to mama rocks for such an incredible BETA job on this chapter and for putting up with my stubbornness. :D
Chapter 26 - Harsh Realities
Ianto opened his eyes, blinking rapidly as the soft light of the room struck his irises and caused his vision to clear. He stared rather unfocused at a lamp on his bedside table, then closed them again as he momentarily snuggled his body further under the warmth and softness of the sheets.
Even though he was still mostly asleep, something about the sight of that lamp bothered him. However, the exhaustion continued to cloud his thoughts, denying him the lucidity to understand what was wrong. Just as he was about to drift back into a blissful state of unawareness a thought finally flickered through his mind, making him open his eyes wide in shock.
'That's not my lamp.'
It took him a few seconds to actually comprehend where he was. After a minute more, his sleep addled mind began to clear a little and he sat straight up in bed, his body completely tense. The more he began to wake up, the more intense his embarrassment and shock began to grow.
Images of the previous night's activities with Jack assaulted his mind as well as the sound of his own voice begging Jack to let him come and pleading with him to fuck him. His hands came up to cover his face, horror shooting through every cell in his body.
'What the bloody hell is wrong with me? Why the fuck did I beg?'
He thought somewhat manically as he turned towards the other side of the bed.
'Thank the bloody hell he turned me down.'
Ianto tilted his head in slight confusion as his hand dropped down to the empty space beside him, feeling the still warm fabric run over his fingertips. He toyed momentarily with the idea of dressing and slipping out of the hub, but quickly discarded it. Jack had to have gotten up recently for the bed to still be dissipating his body heat. There was no way he'd be able to slip out if Jack was in the Hub. The best he could hope for would be for Jack to return and go back to sleep. Only then could he maybe escape without having to worry about confronting the other man.
He shook his head and glanced longingly towards the cover that hid Jack's bedroom, then lay back down somewhat reluctantly. He really didn't want to imagine what type of fuss Jack would kick up when he discovered Ianto gone, but he also didn't like the thought of having to wake up next to the older man in the morning. That would seem like a relationship, it would be too intimate.
Ianto closed his eyes quickly as a shadow crossed over the edge of the bed, cast down from Jack's office. There was a faint squeaking sound that resonated through the small room, which he assumed was Jack climbing down the ladder. He drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly whilst trying to ignore the way his heart was pounding heavily against his ribcage. There was a slight rustle of clothing that indicated Jack was getting undressed. He felt the mattress dip slightly and nearly groaned in frustration when the sound of Jack's voice echoed softly into his ear.
"You're awful at pretending to sleep, you do know that right?"
He cracked his eyes open to find Jack's face right in front his, the bright blue of his eyes sparkling with a faint tinge of mirth. He was staring at Ianto with his eyebrows raised, his torso propped up on his elbow, seeming completely at ease with the situation. Ianto rolled his eyes, then sighed as he shifted to lie on his back, avoiding touching the other man in any way.
"What time is it?" he asked while he attempted to cover his movement.
Jack chuckled softly, reached over to him and pulled Ianto against him, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist and spooning their bodies together. Ianto sighed again, trying to relax within the circle of Jack's embrace only to find that he couldn't. The whole situation felt way too intimate. He could still envision his licentious behaviour and hear his words from earlier echoed through his mind. Sexual encounters were to be expected, especially considering it was Jack, but anything else seemed like a betrayal so soon after losing Lisa.
"About four in the morning. I wouldn't have gotten up but an alert went off. Turned out to be Myfanwy biting on a cord that was in her nest, but I took a look around anyway. It'll probably have to be fixed later."
Jack's hand raised and Ianto felt his fingers caress the nape of his neck drifting slowly back and forth, sending chills down his spine. Ianto just barely had enough presence of mind to remind himself not to tense up at the feeling. He tried to focus on the rough sound of his own breathing as the air moved heavily in and out of his lungs. He was so intent on staying in control that the soft sound of Jack's voice startled him, making him jump slightly. He opened his eyes, briefly trying to remember when he'd closed them and turned towards Jack's questioning gaze.
"What's wrong Ianto?"
Ianto closed his eyes again, slowly. He drew in a deep breath intending to tell Jack that he needed to leave, to go back to his loft and convince himself that he wasn't going completely batty. Instead, a question spilled from his lips, making him cringe.
"Why did you reject me last night Jack?"
He had no bloody idea why he'd asked the question, because he'd certainly never intended to address the issue.
'As a matter of fact,' he thought rather erratically, 'I don't want to fucking know.'
He shifted his body again, pulling away and looking Jack straight in the eye, afraid to hear the answer. The fear didn't stop his curiosity from growing, especially when he saw the expression on Jack's face. Jack stared at him rather quizzically, a frown marring his features in a way that Ianto had never seen before. Silence stretched between them, drawing out longer and longer, until Ianto was nearly ready to roll out of the bed, throw on his clothes, and flee back to his loft as quickly as possible.
"That wasn't a rejection Ianto." Jack said suddenly, his head turning away so that Ianto couldn't read his eyes.
"I just didn't think you knew what you were asking for. I still don't. Despite the fact that we've discussed this already on some level, I get the impression that you don't realise the implications of having sex with another man."
Jack turned back towards him, his eyes studying Ianto, almost as if he was trying to measure if he actually believed him.
"What a load of fucking rubbish Jack."
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Jack winced as the words left Ianto's mouth. As much as he hated to admit it to himself, Ianto was right. He wasn't being completely honest and it was certainly obvious. The issue wasn't entirely with Ianto, it was also with himself. Something about being with Ianto scared the hell out of him, even more than his own immortality did. From the first time he'd touched Ianto, he knew that the young man was a lot more open to the sensations then he even knew himself. He was honestly starting to worry that his attraction towards Ianto wasn't as blithe as he'd first thought, even after that damn wristband wreaked havoc.
'Not that I can't blame myself for that fucking snafu as well.'
The musing crossed his mind almost fleetingly.
"Ianto, maybe we should get some more sleep. Three hours can't be nearly enough for you. As much as I hate to admit it, you're acting odd, almost to the point that I'd get suspicious again if I didn't know any better."
Ianto glared at him, his blue eyes looking like shards of ice, sending a chill deep throughout his body and nearly causing him to recoil. Instead of reacting he smiled at Ianto, ignoring his own thoughts as he berated himself. Ianto yanked away from him and rolled out of bed, grabbing his clothes and tugging them angrily onto his body.
Jack made no move to stop him. He was honestly too stunned to try. He knew he had no right to be confused, but he couldn't figure out why Ianto was so upset. All he had done was make a comment about them needing more sleep. As Ianto began to climb up the ladder to leave his room, he repeated what he said in his mind and finally figured out exactly why Ianto was so upset. Not only had he managed to hurt him hours before, but now he'd also made it sound like he didn't trust him. As much as he would like to think that Ianto knew better, he knew the young man still had doubts that Jack had forgiven him for the whole Lisa fiasco.
Jack scrambled out of his bed not bothering to get redressed and took off after him. By the time he got to the main part of the Hub, the elevator was on its way up to the tourist office. Without thinking of what he was doing he ran to the invisible lift, climbed onto it and used his vortex manipulator to start it moving.
The moment it reached the sidewalk, he saw Ianto storming up the stairs from the pier. He took off running towards him, only slightly feeling the cold misty rain that was coming down from the sky and beginning to condense on his bare skin. He caught Ianto just as he reached the top of the stairs, breathing a little heavier than normal. Ianto glanced at him, obviously not very focused on who he was and turned away heading towards the street. Just as Jack was about to call out to him Ianto froze and turned towards Jack staring at him with his mouth agape and his eyes open wide in shock. The expression would have been almost comical if Jack wasn't so worried about what Ianto had been thinking when he'd stormed out of the Hub.
"Are you fucking insane Jack? What the bloody hell are you doing? Has your mind gone completely barmy?"
Jack walked up to him and grabbed him, cupping Ianto's chin between his palms. Ianto tried to pull away but Jack wouldn't let him. Instead he saw Ianto's eyes shoot around the Plass somewhat worriedly. After a moment he relaxed slightly and his gaze locked with Jacks.
"You need to at least go inside and put something on. Beside the fact that you'll catch your death, you can't go running around starkers in Cardiff! You'll get arrested! You're lucky there's no one around..."
"Shut up Ianto." he said softy and with a little more forcefulness then he'd intended.
Ianto's mouth snapped closed so hard that Jack actually heard his teeth clash. He stared at Jack with just as much anger and frostiness as he had in his bedroom, before struggling to pull away. Jack tightened his grip and looked him directly in the eyes. Ianto tensed up but stopped struggling after a moment, still glaring at him coldly.
"I didn't mean that the way it came out. I do trust you Ianto...probably even more than you realise and more than I should, considering everything that has happened in the past few months."
Ianto was still glaring at him, but Jack saw something in his eyes shift minutely, just enough to give him reason to continue with what he was trying to do. He stepped closer pressing against the heat of Ianto's body, only now realising that he was actually cold. Ianto tensed up, but didn't try to pull away from him. Jack took that as a good sign and released Ianto's chin, wrapping his arms around Ianto's shoulders, pulling their bodies flush against one another.
"You don't trust me Jack. No one does anymore. I understand why, I honestly do...but I wouldn't change what I did. I was trying to save her. She loved me..."
Ianto's eyes shuttered closed, his voice coming out so low that Jack almost had to strain to hear him.
"...and I loved her more than anything and anyone."
Jack rested his forehead against Ianto's, gazing at his face with concern. He knew the young man couldn't see it, but he obviously felt something because he relaxed heavily against Jack. Suddenly he pulled away, his eyes opening to lock on Jack's.
"So you see Jack, I really do understand. After everything, I know that I need to earn that trust back. I'm honestly starting to wonder if it's even possible. The moment I think I'm making progress, you say something that completely eradicates it and shows me just how much you don't trust me."
Jack sighed and leaned forward, close enough to brush his lips over Ianto's but not quite pressing them together. He let his breath ghost against Ianto's as he spoke, low and barely audible.
"Ianto, there's something I need to tell you...something that you might find hard to believe."
TBC
AN:Just to let you know, the next chapter is almost done so it shoudln't take near as long as this one. :D Reviews appriciated!